Secular Confessions

[AmeriBrit]

Thank you, Suja, for doing a recipe thread! I have been loving trying new meals recently! The only veggies we don't eat around here are eggplants and brussel sprouts.

Great news about your interview, Lydia! I hope you get the job!

Man, I'm so hungry right now; we're eating lunch with the in-laws today. They are watching all 3 of my SIL's kids while she and her husband go away for the night, but the food isn't ready yet and I sooo could eat my arm off right now. It's the typical boring English food, though: roast chicken, mashed potatoes, carrots/broccoli with gravy and yorkshire puddings....

[missychrissy]

It's the typical boring English food, though: roast chicken, mashed potatoes, carrots/broccoli with gravy and yorkshire puddings....

mmm...that's my kind of food right there. It's not that I won't eat other stuff, but I simply don't have time for chopping/cutting, measuring and mixing.

L-I hope they make you a good offer. I'm glad it went well.

[demigraf]

L, fingers all kinds of crossed for you! It's great that you even interviewed and set the wheels in motion for change.

Ash - how far is Watford(?) from you? I just read about how the Harry Potter set recently opened to the public, and now I nerdily dream of going.

[demigraf]

Had a rather big argument with DH last night. We made up already, but what I hate the most about fighting is when he tries to BS me. I spend 90% of the time during our disagreements calling out his distorted versions of reality & the way he "spins" things to be right, when it doesn't even matter to me if he's wrong if he'd just be honest. Whenever I talk about something being a hardship on me, he tries to play up how hard things are for him, so instead of being sympathetic, he's essentially trivializing what I have to say. I think I'm the one who escalates things often because I won't accept his line of defense. I need tips on keeping my patience when calling out his duck-and-weave tactics. I feel like I'm fair, but I do start to yell after one too many excuses. I don't know what's worse - if he knows he's spinning the truth or if he actually believes his BS. We hugged and apologized to each other, but I have to say (and told him as much) ...every time he tries to deflect and evade during a fight, I trust him a little less. It just seems like I'm trying to talk and he just wants to win.

Ok. I'm off to a playdate w/ B's best buddy & a 1700 lb pumpkin. Happy Saturday.

[missychrissy]

I'm so sorry Myles. I wish I had advice. I think that's something I'm struggling with myself.

[Ky'sMom]

My charger broke so I'm computerless and posting from my phone until I get a new charger tomorrow. There's a political thread elsewhere on APA and I find myself thinking "I wish Erin/Ky's mom would respond so I can just "ITA" because it's too hard to formulate a reply on my phone."

Anyway I made a mental note when L posted about her job interview to wish her luck that day and failed, because in another FWP, I can't remember people's birthdays or other important events without FB reminding me. Congrats on a great interview and hope there's room to negotiate a nice high salary and some computer time too.

LOL!! I have been out of town on a business trip and I wasn't able to check in until this morning. But I did TA with your comment!!

Haven't gone back and read everything for the past two days. You ladies have been chatty!!

But did see about your PT issues Mandy and our job is the same way, you have to take PTO time first and if your workman's comp exceeds your PTO you can get short term disability first, then long term. But going to your therapy appointments usually doesn't apply as PTO time, not at our company. You would just get that time as a part of your regular work hours. Our workman's comp insurance department requires that the provider submit a form/report on the PT indicating how long the PT will last and when a re-assessment will take place. Usually PT is done for a minimum of one month, maximum of 6 months. The only time most of our employees use PTO is when they cannot come into work at all due to their injury before PT begins with a provider.

Erin

[Gwenn]

DH and I had a similar argument recently.

L, good luck with the job - and I wanted to add about the fiction/nonfiction issue, make sure you keep at it with both. Narrative skills for literacy rely heavily on fiction so it's important not to neglect that side. Fiction teaches lots of skills that nonfiction doesn't teach, even though nonfiction seems at first glance more "educational." So keep doing what you are doing. There's my unsolicited preachy advice for the morning. Sorry!

[Gwenn]

Erin, what you are saying makes more sense to me. But my state and employer rarely make sense.

[missychrissy]

That's how it was when I got hurt at work. Any appointment I had related to that, I just got paid and didn't need to use my own time. Not sure if it was law or the fact that I was civil service at the time or what.

[AmeriBrit]

Ugh, so I e-mailed my sister a few weeks back because every time I talk to my dad, he always asks if I've spoken to her and when I tell him no (it's been 9 months), he'll tell me how much it breaks his heart...and I know it must because I think of how I'd feel when T and C grow up and would want them to be the best of friends...any how, so yeah, I e-mailed her and she never responded. So, I thought I'd try one more time to be nice to her and she replied today that she'd gotten the previous e-mail but that "She was giving me what I wanted by staying out of my life." What a drama queen! I think I'll just drop it and tell my dad that she's being her normal self and I ain't got energy to deal with that kind of behavior from an adult.

[missychrissy]

Next time Dad brings it up, tell him to pressure her. You'd done what you could.

[AbbeysMom]

New charger!

Hey Bridget, I'm sorry if I missed this in the flurry of posts, but how did your Dad and brother take hearing that you wanted to move to Hawaii?

Myles, sorry to hear about the argument. Your DH sounds like a panic arguer that will do/say anything to get out of trouble once his argument-adrenaline starts rising. I think a lot of guys are like that. Which is why I have to stalk my DH like prey before I bring up any issue I have, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. usually it involves baking a lot, overwhelming his senses with the smell of cookies, then asking him non-chalantly how to "solve a problem".

So I guess men can be a pain, but so can I. I sounded like a foul-mouthed Cathy cartoon earlier today when I was ransacking the house looking for my bag of dark chocolate.

[missychrissy]

So I guess men can be a pain, but so can I. I sounded like a foul-mouthed Cathy cartoon earlier today when I was ransacking the house looking for my bag of dark chocolate.

That'll do it! lol

I used to be better at managing my emotions. I feel like I'm slipping a lot. That means some of my own unhappiness is my own doing but right now it's so hard to know what's me and what's him. I still feel like a break would do us good, but there's a housing shortage now due to the significant flooding. I'm stuck...maybe it'll work out to be a good thing but from where I am right now I'm afraid it's just going to make things worse and put our relationship into a totally salvageable wreck. Ironically, that worry doesn't upset me in the least.

[daylilies]

Myles, I feel the same way about talking to my DH. It's gotten to where I can't even share a funny joke or something that I feel is relevant to us because he'll just play devil's advocate, try to point out how it's not funny or doesn't make sense.

When it comes to having discussions with him it's the same way. Josh recently shared a little bit of information about DH, that one time when DH grabbed Josh to stop him from doing something, that bothered Josh, and I tried to point it out to DH later and he didn't even seem to feel bad about it. I asked him to please try not to put his hands on Josh anymore and he said "(shrug) I'll try to do better" He doesn't realize he's already setting up to have a bad relationship with Josh.

[Ky'sMom]

My DH is the same Myles. He is very defensive. I admit, I am defensive as well when it comes to certain things. Mostly if he is trying to tell me that I am doing something wrong in my parenting of Ky. He thinks I'm "too easy" on Ky but really I am the primary disciplinarian, I make sure he (Ky) gets done what needs to be done, I tell him about sex (even recently about porn), about pretty much any and everything because DH is too embarrassed to talk to him or doesn't know what to say. Ky is actually probably my primary focus right now because I know he is coming up to his pre-teen/adolescent years and I want him to have all the information he needs to weather the storm that is approaching. DH thinks I should be punishing him all the time for nothing. And I get upset sometimes that he is trying to tell me what to do, and a few times I have lost my cool but usually I just ask him to intervene, without getting upset with Ky and to be a better example. I cannot do it all with our son and really DH should take more of a role in his life since he is a man and more than likely Ky will end up more like DH than how I would like him (Ky) to be. I have resigned myself to that but I figure Ky will be a nicer, more compassionate, more in tuned with himself DH if that makes sense.

But usually when I have to talk to DH, to head off his own defensiveness and changing of subjects, or trying to put whatever issue I want to discuss with him back onto me and making it my fault, I tell him before hand that I need to talk to him about (insert subject). I let him know I will speak to him about it at (insert time). I tell him via email, text, or in person if I am planning on speaking to him later. During the conversation, I let him know that I am not trying to upset him or make it seem like he is at fault but that I want something to change. Recently we had a discussion regarding our new chore chart. I let him know via email that I did not feel like I could consistently depend on him to do things and that it upsets me. I don't exhibit this anger towards him, which is why he hasn't seen it, because I don't like to b itch about things that I don't feel are major issues in our relationship. I don't see chores/cleaning as something to get upset about so I do my best not to show my anger in having to be a constant maid in our home. During our face to face discussion I let him know about the chart I created. I showed it to him and told him that I wanted him to do certain chores or specific days, without me having to ask or remind him to do them. I let him know that I do a lot without anyone telling me to do those items and that I expect him, as a grown a ss man to be able to do the same. I respect him as an adult and my husband and because of that I expect him to be dependable in our home and to help out. I told him (like I do with all of these sorts of conversations) that I do not want to argue with him about this or to hear about what I did or did not do in the past. We are moving forward, not backward and I want our home life to run as smoothly as possible and for our home to be a haven to all of us and anyone who visits.

DH was receptive to this and he didn't argue with me, even though I could tell he wanted to bring up how I was a horrible house cleaner after I had Elle for about 6 months. He always brings this up when we have discussions about chores and then we get into an argument over how much I was doing during that time and other times I was a SAHM versus him working his 2 or 3 jobs that he worked during that time, all of it is unproductive so I currently refuse to go there anymore. When he does bring up the past in that fashion, I tell him in a calm and steady toned voice that I think we should talk later because the conversation is turning into an unproductive argument and when he is ready to speak about the now and the future then he knows where to find me. If not, I will speak with him about it again (insert whatever time I feel he will have cooled off).

So that is how I go about things with DH. We have had very nice, not as argumentative conversations regarding our issues, either mine or his when he comes to me about something, since I decided to not argue about the past or bring up anything that is not related to what we are discussing. If the conversation goes somewhere else, I immediately stop it and we will have to try it again another day. Usually I will send him a text or email telling him how we went astray and that I would hope we could try to focus once more on the subject during our next encounter.

Erin

[Bridget]

Myles I could have written that post. Dbf is the queen of spinning things in his favor and when I call him out he gives me the whole "watch out, she's psychotic" look.

Molly, thanks for asking but I actually did not tell them. They were both in funky moods and it just wasn't the right time to bring it up. Did I tell you all that my brother is volunteering at the hospice care center that took care of my mom during her last days? I am very proud of him. I just hope he is emotionally ready. I know he is feeling like he wants to channel is energy/emotions into something positive and productive instead of drinking so much so I wonder if he is able to handle it. I haven't noticed him drinking less. He's sort of a tortured soul. I worry about him.

Oh and Molly, lol about the chocolate! I know I am pretty difficult too. Dbf actually tells me I'm a biatch all the time, and that I am mean too. He says it while smiling so I know secretly it's one of the things he loves about me if that makes any sense. I'm just really sarcastic and I call him out a lot which his friends used to always tell me that no one ever did that to him before I came along. I know he wishes that I was softer and babied him more but I just don't have it in me to coddle adults.

[Ky'sMom]

DH says I am mean as well sometimes. Other times he thinks I'm sweet as pie. I just smile at him. I can be a biatch and I admit it but usually I am cool as ice. I rarely let anything bother me and my coolness bothers DH more than me b itching at him. He would rather me nag him than ignore him. He has told me that I think that I think I'm better than him and that I think I know it all. None of that is true. I don't think I'm better than anyone. I actually am very critical of myself and am constantly rationalizing away my mind's constant criticisms of me. It is an all day battle for me sometimes. On the thinking I know everything, I personally see that one as a compliment. I will thank him for thinking I'm so smart by giving him a kiss and gushing to him how wonderful it is to have a man who thinks I know everything. Personally though, and I have told him this, I don't think I know much of anything. The stuff I do know, I see as useless so IMO I know a bunch of useless information. He keeps insisting though that I know everything and I keep holding that as a compliment, which upset him LOL.

I would so baby DH if he wanted me to baby him, but the way I would do it, I know he wouldn't like it. I am very dramatic, I remember a college professor of mine said I have a dramatic flair and should have taken up acting as I go overboard when I am doing something I don't normally do and I would go all out with the babying - cradling, feeding, kissing cheeks, pinching legs, talking about how cute he is - I would just go all out and he would hate it and I would show an evil grin!!!

In our house though DH is the overly emotional one. In my dad's lingo I'm just too smooth to get all overly emotional. Even when I do get upset, I don't usually get loud or go crazy. I will just look at him like he is nuts and he knows to leave me the hell alone before I go crazy B on him. And really I've only gone crazy B on him maybe 3 times in the twelve years we have been together.

That is so sweet of your brother Bridget. I don't know if I could handle volunteering at hospice. Even though I don't have any fears of death, the emotional part of the process, dealing with it daily, would be a lot to bear. I would worry about him as well. It is still so soon after your mother's passing and I would worry that the pain would still be too raw and seeing others suffer similar illnesses may just be too much for him. But it is so sweet and brave of him to volunteer to help other families during such a difficult time in their lives.

Erin

[Bridget]

Between the 3 kids I was up at least 12 times last night. Kai sleeps with dbf for pete's sake! And he comes all the way downstairs to ask me for a drink of water! I told dbf this morning when I passed him in the hallway that he should talk to Kai and let him know that it's ok for Kai to wake him up if he needs something. He said, "We just have to tell the kids they cannot get up in the middle of the night anymore."
...And so I got my answer as to why he trudges all the way downstairs so ask me.

How was everyone's weekend? We went to a pumpkin patch with my dad. Savana had a really hard day. She just couldn't make any decisions and was generally in a sour mood. I could tell my dad was annoyed and that made me sad. I've never seen him like that before.

[missychrissy]

Ugh. That sounds like something Richard would say too Bridget. I hate that!

I'm sure your dad was just having a bad day too. I hope Savana is feeling better today. It's hard when they don't enjoy those little trips as much as you hoped.

We had a terrible day yesterday. It was going good at first. I took the kids for a ride to see the autumn leafs. I let Bobbie drive my new car and we went up to her college. We stopped off for french fries on the way back. When we got home though...ugh. Conner saw the McDonalds bag and started crying because he wanted food too. I offered to take him to Wendys for fries and Rich snapped at me, "Can't you wait?" He was peeling potatoes for dinner. I was stunned for two reasons-he never snaps at me and I was just going 4 miles down the road to get a small order of french fries. If he really wanted to go that bad, I didn't need to be snapped at. I still don't understand what all that was about.

Then Bobbie and Sydney were yelling at each other and again, I don't know what it was about but they were being brutal. I lost my temper and said I didn't know why I tried to do anything with them because they're still miserable. I even mentioned (even though I know better) that I used all my own weekly allowance on them and that I give them everything I have and it's just not enough. I only let myself have $10 cash a week and leave everything else in the bank. I use it to buy coffees here and there or something from the snack machine at work. If I spend it, it's gone and I never go to the atm for more. I used that to get their french fries because I wanted to give them an extra treat (we almost never eat fast food either). I just felt like it was wasted effort.

Then Rich started in that he would have liked to have gone for the ride too. I was like...why didn't you say so? Or just get in the car when we were going? It wasn't like we sneaked off. So I yelled at him that I wanted my own place, not because of that but where the argument went after he gave me grief about wanting to come on the ride too. And when I went outside to smoke and cool off, he said to Bobbie, "Thanks a lot Bobbie." As if it's all her fault! So we had more arguing outside about that.

The last thing Bobbie needs is to have her father try in any way to insinuate that our relationship problems are because of her. I can't express the level of resentment I feel toward him right now just thinking about him saying that to her. It's so typical of him though-if I get irritated with him, he takes it out on the kids. Usually it's just with a negative attitude, but this time he's really gone too far. To give Bobbie credit, she stood her ground and shot back at him that I've been mad at him for two years. That's true. I just hope she doesn't think about what he said when she's having a bad day and start believing it.

[Bridget]

Oh, Chrissy. My heart just hurts for you. It really does sound like you try so hard to bring joy to your family and it sucks that it blows up like that. And on Richard for saying that.
How long do you have to wait before you can move out?

[missychrissy]

Financially, I could move out now. Our mortgage is caught up. But due to the flooding our area had there's a housing shortage so nothing is available. There's only a 2 bedroom 'bungalow' available right now. That means tiny/small...I'm not that desperate yet. I'd prefer a 3 bedroom but could manage a 2 bedroom if it were large enough. I guess right now it's a waiting game to see if anything comes up that I can afford that will allow pets.

I know they're bringing in FEMA trailers though because there are still families in shelters because there really isn't any place for them to go. over 75% of the homes and businesses were destroyed. One lady that rides my bus was telling me this morning that she feels lucky-she's going to have a working furnace the first week of November. They had to get numerous quotes and most places were saying they were so busy they couldn't possibly do the install till late December, early January. So yeah...I'm stuck.

[3andMe]

I've had a cough for about a week, was starting to get better with just residual stuff in my lungs, and then blam woke up yesterday with a swamp in my lungs and my entire chest hurts again. I think I've got some secondary infection.

Still, on Saturday I took the twins out pretty much all day to the Richmond Homefront Festival at the Rosie the Riveter/World War II Home Front National Park. It was a free event, and even had free bounce houses and a free (little) train ride. We toured a WWII Victory Ship, looked at an antique car show, and went on an amphibious truck tour around the Bay shoreline. That was awesome, especially because we saw some dredging going on with some heavy equipment. DS was in heaven. I had a lovely day with the twins, and they were really well behaved. The second we got home they started fighting with each other, but up until then, they were charming and lovely and nobody tried to run away and people were complimenting me. In case you're wondering, I gave no lectures on World Wars.

I'm sorry for all of the stressful weekends you all have had.

In case it balances out, Sunday morning dh slept in really late and we hung out for 3 hours waiting to see what we were going to do and then he left with the twins for the day and all I did were chores and felt my lungs with every step and breath.

[missychrissy]

I've had a bad cough for over a week now. It's going around here and everyone that had it before said it would last 2-3 weeks. Mine is getting slightly better. I think.

[Ky'sMom]

I had to do a lot of work this weekend. I went on a business trip from Thursday through Friday and left work early on Wednesday. On Wednesday I found out a bunch of paperwork had not been audited for our upcoming inspection so I had to come in on Saturday and file some things and look in our books and hope that all the paperwork I found was just copies. It was not so I had to bundle up a few thousand pages and take them home with me to audit on Sunday.

DH and Ky went camping this weekend and didn't get home until Sunday morning. Elle and I spent that time together going to parks and to my aunt's house and just talking and hanging out. She is such a nice sweet girl. She kept getting mad at the park because there were too many people there. She was glowering at the wild kids with her what I call her "old lady look." It is very stern and mean looking. I feel for her future children to have to view that look LOL. We left the busy park and went to our local neighborhood park where there weren't too many kids. The first one we went to was downtown near all the tourist attractions and since it was 78 degrees everyone was out enjoying the weather. Elle had a great time at our local park and didn't show her old lady look to anyone except a little boy of teacher I know who was screaming too loud.

All in all we had a pretty good weekend. I'm having some allergy issues where I keep sneezing multiple times, like 20-30 times in a row and it is making my head hurt so I broke down and took a Claritin today and I feel better.

Chrissy and L I hope you both feel better soon too.

Erin

[missychrissy]

Cripes Erin! How the heck did that happen?! Did someone mess up at work? It sounds like you managed to still have a good time with your girl, despite having all that extra work

[AmeriBrit]

Will post a longer post from my laptop in a bit but realised I hadn't answered your question before, Myles. About how far I am from Watford. We're in Leeds, which is a 5 hour car drive or 3ish hour train journey from London.

[AmeriBrit]

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[AmeriBrit]

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[demigraf]

Ash, adorable how you've dropped your "zeds" from "realised" and probably a whole bunch of other words you spell, you kooky ex-pat. Next time, I'll have to find a place on a map, which'd probably be easier for all of us than asking you to describe your coordinates (since I knew you were near Leeds).

Erin, I just realized that it was Elle who had the "old lady look" and not your Aunt. LOL. That's much funnier than what I'd originally pictured. I hope the weekend wasn't too stressful for you in the time you were able to work in some auditing work. I hope you only had to spot-check those 1000 pgs. And - despite what you say - the way you describe your relationship with your DH is actually very cute. I could easily seeing it being a very funny sitcom. There seems to be a lot of warmth between you too.

My weekend was pretty good overall. DH was overnight in Tahoe for a bachelor party that revolved around cycling the lake. I did the Half Moon Bay Pumpkin festival with B & and friend, where B somehow managed to lose a helium balloon I'd double knotted to his wrist. That was heartbreaking. He tried to run after it into the crowd, and cried tragically when I stopped him, but we ultimately got him another one. He was crazy and overstimulated the rest of the day and skipped his nap, which led him to wake me up between 4-6 am, but sleep in 'til 9a. Sun morning, we had a surfing playdate with another surfer mom (we watch each others' kids while one's in the water), but she had to cancel last minute, so it was just B & I at the beach, which was very relaxing. Later in the afternoon, we took my parents to tour this early 20th C country estate with a massive formal garden called "Filoli". The weather was beautiful, and everyone had a really pleasant time walking around the grounds.

L, I love the area around Rosie the Riveter. We went to an anniversary party on the same site on a nice day at the Craneway Pavilion, and that space is just gorgeous for events like that. One year, I'd love to try to see the 4th of July Fireworks from there. Some Oakland friends have asked us to come out for the Piedmont Costume Parade on the 29th, so we'll be in your area that day. I immediately thought to myself that I hope you'll be there so I can see your kiddos in their costumes. B is going to be a crocodile and putting on his costume at least once a day.

Chrissy, I'm so sad for you this weekend. Your kids are uber-smart and I don't doubt they'll come to a point where they absolutely get what a wonderful and devoted mother you were to them. They'll be your friends and look out for you. It may still be a few years, but I truly do have a feeling that the best is yet to come for you and your relationship with your children. As for Rich, though. He's a grown man, and you both will probably benefit from that time apart. I hope you get that distance and space to reflect on what you both want really soon.

Bridge, . I hope you get to make up for the lost rest over the next couple of days.

[demigraf]

Also, Ash. I can really relate to the pressure your dad is putting on you to speak to your sister. It looks so much easier to "bury the hatchet" to outsiders looking in. I hope he just respects that you will handle this, and accepts that the daughters he raised will work things out in their own way. Feel free to share with us if you want to talk through your position on the matter and what you want out of it. Believe me, I know how confusing and frustrating it can be!