Secular Confessions

[Bridget]

I already told this story in Sawyer's birth room but dbf yelled at Kai yesterday for accidentally hurting him while they were playing and I could see that Kai was humiliated so I scooped him up and carried him down to the school where he started to cry. He asked me if I would stay downstairs with him until he was done because "daddy gets mad at me when I cry".
This made me so angry for Kai. When I tried to talk to dbf about it he was not receptive and his mom had the nerve to try to say something during this discussion, sticking up for dbf. I asked her to please stay out of it. I told her she does not know how it is. She is not here every day.
It still makes me upset to think about it. I will not have my boys thinking it's not ok to cry.
Oh, and when I spoke to him about it today he said, "Of course I tell them not to cry. I don't want them to be sad." As if making them stop crying changes the fact that they are sad. It's so frustrating to deal with a person who is nothing like you as a parent. And it's not small differences. I'm telling Kai he is beautiful and that it takes courage to cry while his dad makes him feel like he has to hide to do it.
I hate this.
ETA: After everyone went to bed last night I explained to her my concerns for the way dbf is with Kai and she was very understanding. Today she played with Kai a lot alone in his room. I know that is because I told her I was afraid Kai gets lost in the shuffle around here. It meant a lot to me that she took my words to heart and gave him some special attention.

[Ky'sMom]

So happy that DBFs mom took what you said to heard Bridget. It can be hard with MILs about their sons especially.

And I know you probably didn't mean it that way but I did imagine you whispering into Sawyer's little ear that he should wake up so you wouldn't have to have sex with his dad (it made me giggle, the thought of it). It is crazy that your BF would even say that you use the baby not to have sex. My DH said the same thing about Elle when she was an infant but she didn't even wake up multiple times a night, I was just tired and went to bed and he would want to have sex at 3am when I had to get up at 6 and so I would tell him no because I was tired.

So sorry about your day Chrissy. I hate it when I cannot get things done like I planned and I also hate it when people are lazy just to be lazy. I had a similar day last week when I came home to a garbage smelling house after I asked DH to clean the kitchen. So instead of cooking dinner that day I cleaned the kitchen because it needed a deep, thorough cleaning. DH was apologetic though and said he really didn't think it was a big deal not to clean it up in a timely fashion so he did clean it up for a few days in a row to make up for it.

I admit though, I have woken up DH when he is laying around after drinking. I didn't smack him awake but when I knew he was hung over or something I made sure to make a whole lot of noise and encourage the kids to sing loud songs.

Erin

[Gwenn]

Bridget, that makes me so sad for Kai. That's sweet boutnyour MIL, though, and I'm glad she listened to you.

Erin, I can just see you banging around when your DH has a hangover! Remind me never to cross you.

[missychrissy]

Aw Bridget, that really hurt me for Kai's sake too. I'm very glad your mil was so receptive. Just maybe she can work on dbf with you?

I'm not sure Rich was drinking at all...maybe some of his bad temper I blamed on drinking and it was just him. Not saying that drinking isn't/wasn't a problem, because that definitely exacerbated it. I dunno...I'm also not blind to the fact that I carry a lot of resentment toward him right now and maybe he was just tired after working Saturday and then helping people move on Sunday and that's why he was 'being lazy' on the loveseat. I'm not making excuses for him because as far as I'm concerned, I'm done. I just don't want to put 100% of the blame on him and I don't want to be angry at him for things that I shouldn't be angry about. If that makes sense.

[Bridget]

Chrissy, one thing I think is really great about you (among many) is that you are able to take responsibility for your own part in things. You seem very rational and fair.
That said, how many times have we all be tired and want to lay on the couch and take a nap? When the children need to be fed and when the children need something from us we have to suck it up and get up. I think it's unfair of him to lay there and ignore other's needs. Tired or not. I mean, it's not like you were at the spa all day. You were working too.

[missychrissy]

I appreciate you saying that Bridget. I'm afraid I'm not as good as owning up to my own share of things when it comes to Richard. I do try, but everything is such a mess that I question my own point of view all the time.

But you're right about needing to take care of the kids even when we're tired. I guess my own guilt is preventing me from being upset with Rich because I wasn't exactly taking care of Conner's needs either. I was more focused on getting the laundry done at that point.

[Ky'sMom]

FWIW, I feel your DH should have at least let you know that he was tired or cranky or whatever and that he really didn't feel like helping at the moment. Even if you get upset about that, at least was honest and you know why he wasn't working.

I have asked my DH to do this for me because he gets into what I call "tude-y moods" and if he needs some time to de-tude, he can have it because usually when I complain that he isn't doing something while he is in one of those moods he will get all touchy and grouchy, which in effect will make me grouchy and defensive and argumentative. So it is easier for me to have him say "babe, I need some time to myself for a while if you don't mind." Usually I don't and I give it to him. He also gives it to me when I need it.

But I agree if something MUST be done, like tending to the children or even if there is a huge mess and it must be cleaned, it needs to be done and I will make sure to give him some extra time to himself after that.

I also think you are great for seeing all points of views Chrissy and I fear you are like me in a sense as I always try to figure out someone else's POV to the point that sometimes it seems I am making excuses for them and blaming myself for everything. In a way I do because I feel that I am the only person in control of my life. My mom is always telling me to stop reasoning away someone's behavior.

Erin

[AbbeysMom]

I admit though, I have woken up DH when he is laying around after drinking. I didn't smack him awake but when I knew he was hung over or something I made sure to make a whole lot of noise and encourage the kids to sing loud songs.

Erin

I know this is going to make me sound like a control freak, but we generally have a dry house, not by DH's choice. I told him very early on that I grew up with a parent who had a severe addiction, and I didn't want any of that cr*p in our house. He can have a beer when we go out to dinner, but no alcohol in the house. I couldn't live with someone who was a drinker, I can smell it on them and it just makes me physically sick.

[3andMe]

I read Bridget's and Chrissy's stories last night very briefly on my way to bed and I was so sad. I have to say, although my dh can occasionally be impatient, and he has his moments of going to the bedroom and lying down and he doesn't really do housework, he is remarkably receptive to anything I say about improving our child raising or communication techniques. And as a matter of fact, just last night when DS wasn't going to sleep and kept coming out to the living room to announce mundane things over and over again for hours, like "I just got a drink of water" or "Do you know a megalodon has really big teeth?" and I was getting a little exasperated, he was the one to remind me that DS couldn't help it that he couldn't fall asleep and we should try to gently guide him. And on the occasion that he does drink, he generally becomes more pleasant and chatty. It almost makes me want to pour him a cocktail upon his homecoming.

DS has been staying up later than we have been sometimes. It's really weird. It's like he can't shut down.

Mylah, if you have the day off today, I'm going to meet Krystal5 and Maiya at a Castro Valley playground with some water features this afternoon to take advantage of the last of the warm weather. I also invited some people from my twins club, but I don't know if any of them will be able to make it. Email me if you want the address.

AbbeysMom, good to see you back.

[missychrissy]

I hate that I made you sad, even on a small level. I'm just so aggravated, and sometimes I do wonder if it's just me...so I post these little 'horror' stories in an attempt to justify to myself that no, my expectations aren't too high.

On a happy (?) note, Conner didn't seem phased much by his father's lack of attention. When we were all going to bed Rich asked Conner for a kiss. Conner pointed his butt toward his dad and made a fart noise with his mouth and laughed. He said, "there's your kiss dad." lol

[Bridget]

I know this is going to make me sound like a control freak, but we generally have a dry house, not by DH's choice. I told him very early on that I grew up with a parent who had a severe addiction, and I didn't want any of that cr*p in our house. He can have a beer when we go out to dinner, but no alcohol in the house. I couldn't live with someone who was a drinker, I can smell it on them and it just makes me physically sick.

I don't think it makes you sound like a control freak. It makes perfect sense to me. I'm afraid maybe dbf thinks he's been blindsided. When we met I was a partier and we went out drinking all the time. I mean all.the.time. I definitely would have been defined as a raging alcoholic for all of my 20's. But I always knew that phase of my life was phase. I knew that when I had kids I'd be done with all that craziness. I don't even have the slightest desire to be intoxicated. I do, however, have a glass of wine or a beer almost every day. I fear dbf cannot have fun unless he catches a buzz.

I could not imagine being hungover and trying to take care of my children. That sounds like worst nightmare material.

[missychrissy]

We also didn't drink at all while the girls were really little. When I was pregnant with Conner, Rich started drinking occasionally then, and it quickly spiraled out of control. Toward the end of my pregnancy I made it clear it was either me or alcohol. He behaved for a while...then I don't know what happened. I did start going out occasionally (like once every 3-4 months) with my sister-in-law, and then Rich started drinking again. It's definitely a real problem for him and it's been going on now for 2 years. I've decided I've had enough, but I can't leave till November at the soonest. Now that over 75% of my town was destroyed in a flood, I don't know if there will be any homes/apartments available to me then. We shall see.

[Smplyme89]

Chrissy Conner makes me laugh, he sounds like such a sweet, funny boy I'm sorry about, well everything

DH is not a drinker so I guess I got lucky in that regard... Although he does have other vices

Bridget I don't think theres anything wrong with having a beer or glass of wine or two on occassion. I enjoy a glass of Kahlua on occassion, its been a while though!

[Ky'sMom]

Chrissy Conner makes me laugh, he sounds like such a sweet, funny boy I'm sorry about, well everything

Me too!! Conner is hilarious with his butt kiss LOL!

I do not hardly ever drink, maybe 3 or 4 times per year if that, usually twice per year. DH likes his beer though and I don't mind him drinking, I just don't like how useless he is the next day when he is hungover from drinking too much. DH is really pleasant when he drinks, we have interesting conversations and he enjoys my wittiness when he gets a couple beers in him. He is just very laid back when drinking which is why I don't make a big deal out of his drinking. Plus he usually doesn't drink very much, for him anyway and like I said he is very pleasant. I always think that at one point we may find out he is an alcoholic and I'd feel bad because he is so nice that I never encouraged him to stop drinking. But I doubt it since he only drinks a couple times a week and only gets stone cold drunk when he goes to a party.

Erin

[beanpop]

I have about one beer a day here too and so does DBF. I'll go days without it though and I don't see anything wrong with it.

Chrissy, I'm so sorry you're going through all this

Now that I know a few of you guys better I should actually start posting in here more often

[Cosmosmom]

Wow been busy at work! One person has been out with a sick child so I'm doubling up on searches that he would have been doing.

chrissy, sorry that you are going through that. I'm so lucky (most of the time) to be married to a neat freak. Wasn't feeling so lucky when he was freaking out about getting a fleck of white stain on the house when we were staining the deck...deck is white, house is a darker blue. I mean it was a TINY dot....I just wanted to get it done and over with. He's always picking up after me and Cosmo...and i'm not messy by any means.
now if dinner was left up to him, we would be eating chex mix and peanuts.......
It will be interesting to see how it goes once we throw in a kid into the mix. Better I think now than had it happened 4-5 years ago. I think that having to have it be so hard to have a child and having to wait so long, I think has made him want it so much more and will appreciate it more.

As for weather....I was laughing about that. We have already had a couple of days with highs in the 50's and a couple of nights with a hard frost already. This weekend looks perfect though and I have company coming....highs around 70 and nights in the 40's. No air needed and no heat needed yet....I love free weather.

[Smplyme89]

Wow been busy at work! One person has been out with a sick child so I'm doubling up on searches that he would have been doing.

chrissy, sorry that you are going through that. I'm so lucky (most of the time) to be married to a neat freak. Wasn't feeling so lucky when he was freaking out about getting a fleck of white stain on the house when we were staining the deck...deck is white, house is a darker blue. I mean it was a TINY dot....I just wanted to get it done and over with. He's always picking up after me and Cosmo...and i'm not messy by any means.
now if dinner was left up to him, we would be eating chex mix and peanuts.......
It will be interesting to see how it goes once we throw in a kid into the mix. Better I think now than had it happened 4-5 years ago. I think that having to have it be so hard to have a child and having to wait so long, I think has made him want it so much more and will appreciate it more.

As for weather....I was laughing about that. We have already had a couple of days with highs in the 50's and a couple of nights with a hard frost already. This weekend looks perfect though and I have company coming....highs around 70 and nights in the 40's. No air needed and no heat needed yet....I love free weather.

That is the truth, it really makes you appreciate an LO Which the time we STC pales in comparison to how long you've been waiting

Reminds me of something really cute DH did the other day. He came walking out of his shed with a fishing pole (a little person one) and started talking about how he can't wait to take Nolan fishing, etc. I asked him where he got it from, apparently he's had it for 5 years waiting for me to give him an LO He's such a sappy daddy

[demigraf]

That's so sweet of your DH, Christina.

I am a lot like AbbeysMom, having grown up around addiction and have incredibly low patience for it, actually. Maybe even am a little impatient with plain old drunken behavior. For me, "I was too drunk/hungover" is generally not an acceptable excuse for not being able to do something that is expected of a sober, functioning individual. I respect those of you who have found a way to live with buzzed living in your home, because I'm normally "never say never". I am a stickler about that, however. DH doesn't really know that, though, because I've never had to put my foot down about it; in fact, I've never seen him drunk. I guess my years growing up around alcoholics made me naturally gravitate and marry a guy who is a very light drinker.

Summer has finally come to San Francisco. The weekend was two perfect beach days, and the city was hot and "sundressy" today. I'm sorry I missed your invitation to go to Castro Valley, L. I hope to see you soon and that you had a fun time.

I have jury duty on my birthday on Wed.

I confess, Bodhi dropped something heavy on my foot yesterday - somewhat deliberately - probably because I was paying more attention to my sewing. I yelled "Owwwwwwww" so loudly and fiercely, and gave him such a glare that it made him cry and I'm pretty sure I scared him. I quickly explained to him how much he'd hurt me and I was sorry that I yelled, but he had to stop being rough with me, and I'd try not to yell anymore (taking a queue from a story Bridget shared in here once - thx, mama!). That was another moment where I felt like I don't know WTH I'm doing. I don't know if yelling did great harm or any good whatsoever, but it did NOT feel right.


chrissy, I'm sure you'll find *something*. I am keeping optimistic for you.

[demigraf]

Btw, I got a handwritten note from the "mother's helper" explaining she flaked Saturday because her dog was attacked and had to go to the vet and her phone got lost in the scuffle. She didn't have any way to contact me. It was a nice note, and I'm glad she sent it, because she is also a teacher at B's preschool, and I would not want to keep him there if she had completely just blown me off. I hope her dog's ok. My dog had a minor procedure to remove a tumor today. She's doing ok, though she did puke on the rug, which led Bodhi to pretend to puke like a dog for a good part of the night.

[AmeriBrit]

Myles, that's good to know that the girl had a valid reason for not showing up; OMG about B mimicing a puking dog! That would be funny and gross all at once! lol I hope your doggie recovers quickly!

On the drinking topic, DH and I don't drink much at all. My parents are both heavy drinkers. Well, my mother doesn't drink at all any more since she got all religious but my dad still does. I never thought I'd drink at all, but I do enjoy a glass of wine every now and then and sometimes a nice glass of cider is nice to have after a long day. I've seen my DH drunk 2 or 3 times after we've been out with friends. He's hilarious. He turns in to his alter ego, aka Barry White! He sings and dances and makes everybody laugh. I think I've only ever been properly drunk just once in my life and that's when I was out with DH and work friends and by the end of the night, I went to the bathroom and fell asleep on the toilet and then on the train ride home I puked up loads and loads....eeew.....good times!

I was talking to my mother the other day and she was telling me that my Grandma on my dad's side had said something to her about the Bible being made up stories and she'd lectured her on it all being true, so I told her that lots of people think the Bible is fiction and she acted like she didn't realize until now that I don't believe in any of it. She was all like, "But you used to go to church." So I said to her that I don't now...and she was all, "I'll pray for you." I think she's distressed now! Oops.

[daylilies]

I'm glad you heard back from your helper Myles. I hope her dog's okay! Sorry you have jury duty on your birthday-happy early birthday though!

I don't think you yelling at Bodhi once is going to damage him much ;)

I'm reading that book Room that everyone has been going on about. It's very interesting and a nice perspective since at the beginning of the book, the boy turns 5. I thought it would be too depressing but so far, it's not.

[missychrissy]

I confess, Bodhi dropped something heavy on my foot yesterday - somewhat deliberately - probably because I was paying more attention to my sewing. I yelled "Owwwwwwww" so loudly and fiercely, and gave him such a glare that it made him cry and I'm pretty sure I scared him. I quickly explained to him how much he'd hurt me and I was sorry that I yelled, but he had to stop being rough with me, and I'd try not to yell anymore (taking a queue from a story Bridget shared in here once - thx, mama!). That was another moment where I felt like I don't know WTH I'm doing. I don't know if yelling did great harm or any good whatsoever, but it did NOT feel right.

That sucks about having jury duty on your birthday.

Everyone makes mistakes Myles. It's the overall picture that will have the impact on his life. But I know it sucks when you realize you didn't respond 'perfectly' to whatever happened. Try not to beat yourself up. He'll likely not even remember it.

Btw, I got a handwritten note from the "mother's helper" explaining she flaked Saturday because her dog was attacked and had to go to the vet and her phone got lost in the scuffle. She didn't have any way to contact me. It was a nice note, and I'm glad she sent it, because she is also a teacher at B's preschool, and I would not want to keep him there if she had completely just blown me off. I hope her dog's ok. My dog had a minor procedure to remove a tumor today. She's doing ok, though she did puke on the rug, which led Bodhi to pretend to puke like a dog for a good part of the night.

Good to know. I can see how it would be easy to lose my cell phone in that situation...or at least not think about where it is clearly.

I was talking to my mother the other day and she was telling me that my Grandma on my dad's side had said something to her about the Bible being made up stories and she'd lectured her on it all being true, so I told her that lots of people think the Bible is fiction and she acted like she didn't realize until now that I don't believe in any of it. She was all like, "But you used to go to church." So I said to her that I don't now...and she was all, "I'll pray for you." I think she's distressed now! Oops.

I hate conversations like that! I try to avoid them. I really worry about my maternal grandmother worrying about my soul. She's so sweet. I know she'd cry by herself and pray for me...in a genuine way. I can't stand the thought of causing her any pain.

[3andMe]

Mylah, don't worry about not making it. It was very hot, only a few of the sprinklers were on, and nobody else I invited showed up either which was kind of a relief because my kids were ready to leave a little earlier than 4. We were all pink-faced and sweaty and feeling kind of crummy, and there were a bunch of 10-year-olds playing with the twins' sand toys. I encourage them to share, but these kids came and kind of took over.

Your Bodhi-imitating-dog-puking story reminds me of a few weeks ago when baby S. had an ear infection and then while we were all eating dinner he managed to throw up 3 times. DH and I kind of grimaced at each other and then methodically kept on eating, because who knows when we'd be able to eat again. Baby S. probably threw up from a sensitive throat and coughing and not from tummy troubles, because each time he went back for more food, ate some, and then would cough a bit and throw up again. At the end of the meal, when I was cleaning up, I turned to baby S. and laughed at him, "That was SO gross!" and opened my mouth and stuck my finger inside in a gagging motion. Well, he thought that was just delightful, and went around for the next week making the same gagging gesture.

I'm glad your mother's helper was not a total flake and wasn't in pieces in a dumpster somewhere.

Also, I was very cranky yesterday. Maybe it was because I put a piece of IKEA furniture together with 3 kids. I actually put two end tables together with DD last week, just the two of us, and it was awesome. She learned to follow the directions, select the correct number and type of screws, and drive them in. With both twins there, it was impossible. It wasn't so much that DS was there, it was just that there was two of them so they were both competing to hand me stuff and grab stuff, so if I needed four long screws all of a sudden the entire parts bag was flying around and they were each trying to hand me everything and they couldn't just lay them on the floor and they couldn't be satisfied with four screws and if one of them was putting one in the other one was constantly whining or asking when it was going to be her/his turn. I couldn't even think. It was awful. I turned into a drill sergeant. "I need FOUR screws. FOUR. NO MORE. I want them next to the bag, on the floor. No where else. If you want to help, that's what I need you to do. It will not help if you get me other parts when I don't need them. It will not help if you get me more screws." Sigh. I recently read a Q&A by someone entitled "My girlfriend and I just put 12 pieces of IKEA furniture together in one weekend and we are still a couple. Ask us anything." So it's well-known to be a stressful experience.

Our house used to look somewhat nice before the twins came along, and then we got rid of a lot of stuff because they were such climbers. We gave our end tables to my sister, my couch and loveseat to my mom, and we took most of our furniture out of the living room. All that's in the living room now is the couch and a little box with books that they can stand on to look out the window. I'm sick of it, and baby S. seems to be a little better about climbing and careening head-first off of things, so I'm gradually adding things back in. Yesterday we put together a storage bench.

[missychrissy]

Kudos to you L for even trying it with the twins. That stuff drives me crazy when I attempt to assemble it myself.

[Ky'sMom]

So glad your mother helper had a good reason to not show up Myles. I hope her dog is okay. And I too think it is hilarious and gross at B puking like a dog LOL!! Did he make his stomach go in and out like they do?? I would have been cracking up!

I don't know why drinking doesn't really bother me. I grew up around a ton of drinking and drug abuse and addiction, but I guess I never saw alcohol in the same way I saw crack or heroine and my dad did both of those and I saw a lot of crackheads as a kid. To me that was just not acceptable, for myself or for anyone who I was around. I remember my DH, before we were married probably over 10 years ago, went somewhere with one of his co-workers. Back then DH used to smoke marijuana sometimes and would put in money with his friends to get $5 or $10 worth and this friend said he would buy the stuff for them and the friend ended up buying crack and wanted to share some with DH. Luckily DH is not a moron and didn't do any with that "friend." That friend was from the suburbs and DH grew up in Chicago and also saw a lot of the crack epidemic back in the 80s so also has a fear of that drug. He couldn't believe it that someone in this day and age would smoke the stuff. It still amazes me that here in Atlanta it is still very prevalent. Where I am from, you rarely see people on crack anymore, I think because those in my generation and a little younger saw too many people, mostly our relatives and parents suffer so much from the effects of that drug that we just are afraid of it and don't tolerate it in our lives. My dad was a drunk too but he was better after he stopped using drugs and was still drinking than he was on crack. He stopped drinking a couple years after he stopped doing drugs so he has been completely sober for a long time now, over 20 years but in my mind I just don't see alcohol the same as hard core drugs because I saw so much devastation from those sorts of narcotics versus alcohol.

And Ash, I had a conversation similar to the one you had with your mom with my own mother about 4 or 5 months ago. She called me all in a frenzy to ask me whether or not I believed in god. I told her no and that I never really have, she was just in disbelief and also told me she would pray for me and wanted me to keep an open mind about Jesus. I told her I have an open mind about pretty much all things but that I doubt I will ever be religious. It is too far fetched to my mind, even as a little child it was too much for me to believe was any different from a fairy tale. I used to try to make myself believe it because that was what we were suppose to do. I see god like I see Santa Claus, imaginative and magical and fun to believe in but not true. She didn't seem too bothered by my explanation and hasn't said anything about my lack of religion since then. I couldn't believe she didn't know I wasn't religious, I am pretty open about it and have told her before. I think she just thought I was kidding or something.

Erin

[Ky'sMom]

Wanted to add, I despise putting together Ikea furniture. I actually bought Elle a dresser from Ikea a couple years ago. We bought three of them then and I put one together. DH put the other together and both of us were so worn out with putting those freaking things together that we just said a collective f putting that last one together. It sat in a closet for over a year. DH was bored one day and put it together for me.

We also just put together a bookcase in our hallway, one of the Expedit bookcases, the really big one you can use as a room divider. It was MUCH easier than the dresser and took less than an hour. It also sat in its boxes for about 3 months until we mustered the energey to mess with it. It went together so quickly though I felt bad for not assembling it earlier and having so many books in my upstairs hallway in boxes (they'd been there since we moved in this house in 2007, I am very bad at putting up things and am a horrible procrastinator about these things).

Erin

[daylilies]

Oh man I get anxiety just thinking about putting together furniture. I could never do it with Josh, or even with DH. I need to be in my own little bubble with no distractions or it makes no sense.

[Cosmosmom]

Uggg, I just had a long response written and lost it. Boo.

[Smplyme89]

Myles I'm glad that the helper let you know what happened! and I'm sorry about the jury duty on your bday that stinks

I tend to avoid the "religious" conversatiosn if at all possible. I only know a handful of people who are "hard core" religious so I don't really worry too much about it. I don't think my mom still even realizes that I'm not a believer, I know I have made my fair share of remarks around her, but as to whether or not she thinks its "for real" is another story

[Smplyme89]

Uggg, I just had a long response written and lost it. Boo.

Oh I hate when that happens!!!