Secular Confessions

[Bridget]

Could you meet up with her for a coffee or something like that so you can talk face to face about it?

I wish! She is 2 hours away and neither of us have reliable childcare and we are both so busy. We get together with kids only these days. Maybe I will call her. However, I do know that a letter would not seem cold to her. We're letter writing friends. Always have apologized to each other in letters and had a lot of heart to hearts through letters. We are weird like that. Determined to get along like gangbusters. Her and I lived together for like 10 years, with a few breaks where we lived with boyfriends or whatever and sometimes we had other roommates too. We never fought. I can count arguments on one hand. We squashed any slight disagreements and moved on. I have faith we can survive this too.

[pinkcat1326]

I want to join y'alls secret Facebook page... This is my Favorite thread on APA, I read it every day and feel like a part of everyones lives..... I am personally not secular, but I feel like this group is the closest to my ideals that we have here on APA... I feel like I would have all of y'all as friends in real life....

Sorry to be such a secret stalker, if it is OK maybe I could join in and post more?

[Gwenn]

In that case, Bridget, letter writing makes sense.

[Gwenn]

You're welcome to join in here ... I'm actually not secular myself but I fit right in with the girls here and no one has objected to my posting here so far as I know!

[pinkcat1326]

Yay! I guess it is about time, I was starting to feel creepy stalkerish because I have grown to care so much about all of the ladies here in the thread that I find myself worrying about all of you - and I have never even posted in here!

[Gwenn]

Well, join in so we can get to know you!

[girlwonder]

Yay! I guess it is about time, I was starting to feel creepy stalkerish because I have grown to care so much about all of the ladies here in the thread that I find myself worrying about all of you - and I have never even posted in here!

Welcome! I don't post a lot, but this room is the only reason I am still visiting APA.

[missychrissy]

I was raised in a family that shouted from room to room so I thought it was normal -

We do some shouting from room to room here. Mostly it's me yelling, "DINNER!!!" If I have to ask or tell them something, however, I will go find them. Or text. Actually, now that I think about it I've been texting 'dinner' more than shouting lately because the girls get so far spread out that they're often outside of yelling range.

I wish! She is 2 hours away and neither of us have reliable childcare and we are both so busy. We get together with kids only these days. Maybe I will call her. However, I do know that a letter would not seem cold to her. We're letter writing friends. Always have apologized to each other in letters and had a lot of heart to hearts through letters. We are weird like that. Determined to get along like gangbusters. Her and I lived together for like 10 years, with a few breaks where we lived with boyfriends or whatever and sometimes we had other roommates too. We never fought. I can count arguments on one hand. We squashed any slight disagreements and moved on. I have faith we can survive this too.

Me & my cousin Melly are just like this and I would totally write a letter like you described to her if we had a similar situation.

I want to join y'alls secret Facebook page... This is my Favorite thread on APA, I read it every day and feel like a part of everyones lives..... I am personally not secular, but I feel like this group is the closest to my ideals that we have here on APA... I feel like I would have all of y'all as friends in real life....

Sorry to be such a secret stalker, if it is OK maybe I could join in and post more?

Of course you can join us!! Welcome!

[Smplyme89]

I want to join y'alls secret Facebook page... This is my Favorite thread on APA, I read it every day and feel like a part of everyones lives..... I am personally not secular, but I feel like this group is the closest to my ideals that we have here on APA... I feel like I would have all of y'all as friends in real life....

Sorry to be such a secret stalker, if it is OK maybe I could join in and post more?

Welcome I played stalker for a while before I posted too

School starts on Monday... I think I am officially freaking out! DH has been my cheerleading and keeps telling me I can do it, but I don't believe him

[missychrissy]

Your dh is right...you can do it! I'm very excited for you! I did it with 3 kids, and then had Conner in the midst of it and only missed 2 weeks. If I can do it, you can too. I loved school. If it weren't so expensive, and if I didn't need a paycheck, I'd go to school forever. And this is coming from a high school drop out. College is completely different--it's much better. Good luck!

Oh-and what are your classes going to be?

[Smplyme89]

OMG is it freaking expensive! I'm getting federal funding this year, but I'm thinking with DH working we won't next year so I have no idea how we'll pay for it Oh well it will work itself out...

This college does Quarters so I am going to be doing 2 classes per Quarter. I am taking Intermediate Accounting and Business Law. Doesn't that sound exciting?? I really enjoyed it before when I was going for my A.A. and I am hoping I don't have too hard of a time getting back into the swing of things...

I'm sure it will be hard at first, but it WILL get better. The older N gets and the more independent he gets the easier it will be (so I hope) Have I ever told you I give you MAD props for going to school with 3 (than 4!) LO's!!! It amazes me still that you did that!!

[Gwenn]

Good luck, Christina. Going back to school after leaving college the first time was the best thing I ever did. I did keep going, and someday if I can afford it I'd love to go back for a PhD!

[missychrissy]

I don't mean to brag about it, but rather point out if I could do it in those circumstances then you sure can. I am of at least average intelligence and school was very easy for me. Managing my schedule was the hardest part, but Rich was integral in that. If he didn't step up and pretty much take over with cooking, cleaning, kids, I might not have pulled it off. Or not as well as I did anyway.

[daylilies]

Pinkcat! I remember you--don't know if you remember me--I was KateS back when we used to talk

I missed a lot...again...I had to pick up my SIL from the dentist in Boston and I was gone all day. I wanted to say to Jennifer that I have a terrible sense of direction too. I tell everyone I can't live without my GPS and it's true.

Bridget, I'm sorry you're having a conflict with your friend and her DH, I missed whatever you deleted but I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[Smplyme89]

You should brag Chrissy, I would! You are SO right about DH being integral! I've already made him well aware that he is going to have to step up BIG TIME! He helps me out as much as he can, but since he works so late (8-9 at night) it makes it really hard for him to do too much. It will take us some time, but I'm sure we'll get in a groove soon enough. My mom is also a huge help and I'm sure will take Nolan on the nights DH works late if I need to do some schooling. My issue is that I have such a hard time asking for help and feel this "need" to do everything myself. It's the stubborn independent side of me that I have a hard time curbing

[Ky'sMom]

I also went back to school after being out for about 7 years. I always knew I would go back though. Like Chrissy I just loved it. I also wish I could be a student forever. My professors offered me a fellowship or student teacher position if I decide to come back if they have the funds to support me in such a way so I would have minimal costs associated with getting a Masters then Ph.D.

I am seriously considering going back. I actually am going to go visit my old department head sometime next month after the fall semester starts. I live about a mile from the college I went to so it is easy for me to get over there, but really I'm embarrassed that I haven't been back to visit since I graduated, that was in 2008. I thought I remembered posting in this thread right after I graduated. Someone had asked me something and I didn't answer for a few days because so many people came from out of town for my graduation and I was just beat! I remember aching for autumn to come in here. I even went back to the beginning of this thread to see if it was still there, but I didn't see it so maybe I am imagining things.

But go for it Christina. Learning is a lifelong process. Also if you are majoring in business or accounting there are tons of scholarships available out there for that career path. Make sure to get top notch grades and during your first year be dilligent about scholarship searches. I was in a similar position when I went back. Though I had to cash in my 401K from the bank to pay off some old debt I had to my university to go back and used some of that to fund my first semester. I took out a loan for the second semester but the rest of my time at school was all scholarships. I went to a private school as well that was 15K off campus per year (which is cheap in comparison to a lot of private universities). I got over 30K in scholarships once I started searching. I probably applied to about 200 different scholarships and grants.

ETA: I remember you said you work for a bank. Check to see if they have tuition reimbursement. The bank I worked for had reimbursement for those who studied in the financial or business fields, this included accounting. They may pay some or all of your fees and tuition at some banks.

Erin

[Smplyme89]

My work does do tuition reimbursement (actually just brought it back this year!) I am only "technically" part time (even though I work FT hours ) So the reimbursement is only $2500/year which does help some. I need to get back into looking for scholarships. I have applied to SO many last time I was in school and never was awarded ANY The worse the economy gets the harder it is to get funding for school. Thanks for bringing that up though, I need to get motivated and get on that again.

I really need to decide whether I want to get my B.A. in Business Administration with a Specialization in Accounting or just go for the B.A. in Accounting. I initially wanted to be a CPA, but with the economy the way it is I keepthinking maybe the B.A. in Business Administration will have a wider range and I might be able to get a job easier. I don't know though. Right now I am just taking classes that overlap in both so I still have some time to make up my mind.

[Gwenn]

DH and I went to dinner at this Thai restaurant tonight and planned a grocery trip afterwards. The waitresses all seemed to speak just enough English to take our order and not a word more - I was interested actually in how well they managed with a very specific vocabulary. Anyway, one of the waitresses stopped by our table to refill our water (by saying "more water, please?" - obviously repeating what she had heard customers ask - and yes, I do spend my time analyzing the communication skills of people I come in contact with randomly!) After filling the water, she asked twice if I wanted a box for the two small bits of meat left on my plate. DH told her "No, thank you, we're going somewhere else next." We rarely take food home if we aren't going directly home because the weather is so hot here, even at night, the food will spoil if it sits too long.

Anyway, after DH said that, the waitress very visibly struggled to put some words together and managed to come up with "I wish ... I want ... I wish I travel ... You travel for me?" I gave her a big smile and told her we wished we could take her with us. Okay, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here because plenty of waitresses will make small talk about wishing they were somewhere other than at work, but I immediately thought of all those women you hear being kept as slaves (in Alabama, of course ;) ) and was about to make a comment about it under my breath to DH when he beat me to it by saying she was probably living in a sweatshop somewhere. She really did look very emotional when she said that to us. We didn't know quite what to do, but we ended up leaving a huge tip - $8 for a $30 meal. $8 won't make any difference and if she's oppressed she won't get the money anyway, but we couldn't think what else to do. I hate that I even thought that.

[AmeriBrit]

Bridget, a letter sounds like a good idea then since you're such good friends with her. I wish people still wrote to me. I don't even get e-mails any more since everyone is pretty much on facebook. Even when my mom sends me care packages, she just sends stuff with no letter. I always include a letter when I send her pictures of the boys. We do talk on the phone a lot, so she probably figures there's no point.

Mandy, i'm still laughing at that Alabama joke. But that is really sad if you think that girl really was part of a slave trade or sweat shop type thing. Omg, speaking of such, there is a new shop at the local mall that sells work out clothes and it's called 'the sweat shop!' I did a double take when I first saw it. That just seems wrong, doesn't it?

[AmeriBrit]

Since my phone has done its usual double post, i'll go ahead and say hey to pinkcat. I'm glad you decided to post. Do tell us more about yourself!

[Gwenn]

Yeah ... That seems wrong!

[demigraf]

Hi, pinkcat.

Bridget, I think a letter would probably go over well, then, since it sounds like you two have precedents. How nice to have a friend like that. She's very lucky to have you too.

Gwenn, your story indirectly reminded me of the time I spent in Southeast Asia, where the sex trade (some co-erced) is totally just out there in plain view. I thought it was so awful (and I was having a hard time to reconcile that type of suffering inflicted on other humans reduced to just objects prevalent in mostly Buddhist cultures). And the sad part is that I know what I saw was the somewhat "sanitized" version of the trade intended for tourists. There were other, less fortunate girls who serviced the lower sectors of society. I have no idea how bad their conditions must be, however I read in the paper while in Thailand about some girls who didn't make it out of a fire because they were kidnapped and chained to their beds. It's so awful. I'm really sorry if that was too disturbing a story to tell here. Every day I thank my lucky stars that I was born into the "privilege" of parents who loved me and took great pains to make sure I would be ok in this life.

[AmeriBrit]

That's really sad, Myles. Over here, we hear about the Eastern European girls that get sold in to the sex trade like that, but it's not talked about a lot.


A funny from this morning-Travis and I were in the kitchen and I was getting him some cereal. Cash had already eaten, so he was in the living room. Travis had come to the kitchen with his lovey (a blue little cushion that is shaped like a lamb that he calls "pillow.") As I was pouring the cereal, I turned to see Cash walking in to the kitchen....and he was carrying a cushion off the couch and had the biggest smile on his face (as if to say, "look at me, I have a pillow, too!") It was just so sweet!

[daylilies]

That's really sad, Myles. Over here, we hear about the Eastern European girls that get sold in to the sex trade like that, but it's not talked about a lot.


A funny from this morning-Travis and I were in the kitchen and I was getting him some cereal. Cash had already eaten, so he was in the living room. Travis had come to the kitchen with his lovey (a blue little cushion that is shaped like a lamb that he calls "pillow.") As I was pouring the cereal, I turned to see Cash walking in to the kitchen....and he was carrying a cushion off the couch and had the biggest smile on his face (as if to say, "look at me, I have a pillow, too!") It was just so sweet!

Aww!

[Bridget]

Thanks for all the advice, ladies.

Gwenn, that is really sad and I would have had the same thoughts.
Mandy, Sweatshop is really in poor taste in my opinion. Especially because most of the places at malls probably aren't too far off of that in the countries the clothes are made!

Yesterday I took Savana and Kai for their first ever bike ride in the street. They bike in circles around the driveway all the time and a few times I have taken them to the park where a path leads around and it's totally flat. We have a neighbor who is a grandpa to a little guy about Savana's age who rides a two wheeler really well. Dbf made a comment to me last week (in front of the kids) at how that kid was so good at riding his bike and our kids *should* be able to do that. ARGH! I pointed out to him that I've been seeing grandpa take that boy for a bike ride several times a week since he was on a tricycle. My insinuation was that he (dbf) could be doing that with our kids. He has the time. I mean, sheesh, they need to practice to master the skill!
Anyway, Savana was telling me all day yesterday she wanted me to take the training wheels off her bike. She is nowhere near being ready for that. I figured we could start by mastering hills and getting confident with brakes and steering. Our road has a long slow hill and she freaked on the hill and put herself in the ditch any time she gained any speed. She also went extremely slow on the flat parts to where she'd lose all momentum and have a hard time getting started again, saying her legs were tired. I kept encouraging her but she was just so down about the whole thing and kept saying she was bad at it.
When we got home, dbf was in the driveway and asked me how they did. I said they both did great and we need to keep practicing. Savana said her legs were tired. Now I know dbf doesn't mean to be discouraging and thinks he's teaching some huge lesson in the grand scheme of things but he said, "You're never going to be able to ride a two wheeler if you're complaining about your legs being tired with your training wheels. A two wheeler is much harder."
After I got Sawyer out of the stroller and Kai a drink of water, I found Savana down in the laundry room doing puzzles. I asked her if she was ok and she said she just wanted to be alone because dad made her really sad when he said she'd never be able to ride a two wheeler. In my heart I wanted to go scoop her up and tell her she was going to be the best bike rider EVER. But she said she wanted to be alone and I think it's good to self reflect so I left her and quietly checked on her in the next 40 minutes or so she was down there. I felt so sad for her.
We are ride our arses off until the end of summer!
Dbf has all these things he wants his kids to do and be but doesn't put the time in. Grrrrr.

[missychrissy]

Erin, we graduated at about the same time. I finished my classes in December 07, but graduated with the June 08 class. I remember there were a few other 'student mommies' with me but I couldn't remember who. I can't believe it's been 3.5 years already.

Mandy, I don't even know what to say to that. How awful. I hope she was just sad because as a waitress perhaps she can't travel much right now simply because she can't afford to.

Cash is heart-melting-ly cute!

Bridget-Rich would say something similar to Conner. He's been really bad about that lately and I'm not sure what the deal is. There's a 3 year old that Conner knows that can ride a bike. Conner doesn't seem bothered by it, but Rich had to point out that Colten was younger than him. It broke my heart.

[3andMe]

DD has been able to swing and pump her legs for a while on her own, which is pretty young to be able to do it. She's also been highly motivated and we've practiced for a long time because she LOVES swinging and every time she did it I coached her about pumping her legs and guided her to do it, and she is pretty coordinated and ahead with her gross motor skills. And almost every time we're at a playground and she's swinging away independently going "Whee hee! Woo hoo!" a Dad will invariably glance over at her and suddenly decide that his kid HAS to learn how to pump his legs because DD is doing it. And he'll say "Look how she's doing it! Just do it like she's doing it!" And the kid will obviously stop enjoying the swinging experience when the dad starts getting more and more in his face about how to do it right just like that little girl is doing it.

I usually butt in at that point and tell them that it took about six months of practice before she learned how to do it, and that I had to hold her legs and guide them while she was swinging and move them forward and backward, and that I was highly motivated to teach her to swing independently because all she wanted to do was have me push her on the swings but I had two other kids at the playground, and that most kids learn sometime between 4 and 6.

Mylah, when I was in Thailand by myself I spent an evening or two hanging out with some of the bar girls. Not exactly learning the sex trade, but being in the scene. I helped lure some guys in to the bar. The owner of the bar was like WTF? But realized I wasn't hurting anything. The girls were really nice.

[missychrissy]

Hm...I've pointed out other kids doing things as examples when my kids were trying to learn something new. I hope I didn't seem like I was pushing them or acting like I wanted mine to do whatever the other child was doing, because I've never felt that. Perception is a tricky thing though and it's possible I could have appeared to be trying to get my kids to compete.

and L. I can't even fathom what that must have been like. You've definitely had an interesting life so far.

[Ky'sMom]

I always feel so bad thinking of all the people around the world who have such oppression filled lives. I remember seeing a documentary on PBS about some Eastern European families who were staying in the outskirts of Rome and the family had a 12 year old boy who they basically pimped out to be a prostitute because they said that was the only way they could make any money. The boy even spoke of how he didn't like it but was happy he could do something to help his family financially. It was very heart wrenching.

Christina, I am about to go on a scholarship bananza for my younger cousin within the next week. I will keep you in mind as well. My cousin is also majoring in business and it is well known in my family at how neurotic I was about not ever taking out another student loan and how I went crazy looking and applying for scholarships. Can you write essays well? I found that is the main factor in winning a scholarship. Even when my grades weren't that great (when I went back to college my cumulative was only a 2.61 from me not applying myself back in 1998) but I managed to win some scholarships before it rose by the next semester (I got a 4.0 for 4 semesters straight to bring up the 2.61 to maximize scholarship opportunities). I wrote some kick a ss essays during that time and I even had one of the people on the scholarship committee call me and tell me how interesting my essay was. It was for a scholarship from Foot Locker and I had to describe what I had learned working in the business world and how I would apply what I had learned in future endeavors.

And my DH is in the insulting-kids-makes-them-want-to-be-better camp of dads as well. That is basically how I see it and DH and I have had detailed discussions about this phenomenon and he insisted that him calling Ky a cry-baby or telling Ky how someone else younger or weaker could do something better, would encourage Ky to try harder to "beat" that other person. I think it is just the competitveness of men and in a way Ky is very competitve, but he doesn't like to be insulted, like any normal person. DH didn't believe me that it hurt Ky's feelings until probably about 4 months ago when he made fun of Ky for not being able to do something that one of his older cousins could do. I didn't hear the conversation as I was out of the room and when I asked about him, DH said Ky went to his bedroom to play. My friend was over and told me that DH had insulted Ky, and my friend even said to DH, I bet he is up in his room crying. He told DH about how is own stepdad used to do things like that and how much it would hurt him and make him hate his stepdad so DH called Ky to prove to my friend that he was not crying, and sure enough his face was covered in tears. I am getting teared up thinking about it. DH apologized wholeheartedly to him and promised him to stop doing that and how he didn't want to make him feel like that. It really bothered DH to see him crying like that, you could tell he was crying very hard. I am happy my friend, a guy, could talk some sense into DH and he hasn't done the insulting since that time.

Erin

[daylilies]

I do that too, like when Josh was at swimming lessons I tried to have him watch the other kids, if he wasn't interested in trying it himself yet. But I think the difference is when you start saying things like "that kid can do it, why can't you?"

One thing I personally have to learn is that kids can get over fears or difficulties all on their own (or at least without parents pushing them) For the longest time Josh wouldn't go down slides or climb in those high tube maze contraptions you see at Chuck E Cheese, etc. I never pressured him or anything and one day he just decided he liked it. Now I can't get him out of them, which is a problem when I want to leave the gym and he's hiding in the one they have. It was the same with swimming. Something just clicked that day he started paddling around without me holding him.