Secular Confessions

[Bridget]

Erin, I bet your dh is really grateful to have you. You seem like an awesome lady.
I don't hear that from dbf. Ever. I'm sure he would like to hear more positive things as well. I try but it's HARD. I will tell myself I'm going to try not to get on him but then he just pulls the most ridiculous crap and I can't not say anything. We lack intimacy that is for sure. I'm pretty sure he just thinks I'm a nagging biatch. And I see that in me around him and don't love it about myself. Hence, (to use your word, Erin) my plan of just chillin and letting him do his thing without letting it bring me down.

[girlwonder]

Okay - this is crazy!!!! I watch what I eat, never eat fast food, exercise at least 3 times a week, yet somehow in the past month I have gained EIGHT pounds!!! I had my thyroid checked last year and am on meds for that and my metabolism measured as higher than normal yet somehow I have gained eight pounds in four weeks.

I am starting to feel like there is no point in worrying about what I eat or exercising at all. I am so sick and frustrated right now.

[daylilies]

Oh no Katy! What kinds of things do you eat? Do you eat a lot of bread or pasta? I blow up like a balloon when I have too much of that. I'm really cracking down on myself though. Josh is funny lately, for some reason he's very concerned with what is healthy and what's not. He says Mommy, you need to eat healthy food so you can be all the numbers in the world and we can always be best friends. Aw man...that was the day I stopped eating fast food. Had a nice sickening steak and cheese sub first.

[3andMe]

I have gained 8 pounds in the past month, too. I am attributing it to having a period every 3 weeks and never really losing that 5 pounds of bloat plus all the extra wine and pasta I was having due to my dh troubles, but I still don't like it. All of my pants feel tight, and I'm going to be wearing a bikini this weekend. Boo.

Katy, what about getting your TSH levels checked again? If it's been a year since your thyroid has been checked, it is probably worth re-evaluating. Barring that, I would suggest trying actual calorie-counting every day for two weeks, trying to maintain your weight loss calorie goal which is really difficult, both in counting every single thing you put in your mouth and in actually feeling satisfied with that small amount of food. But it gives you an idea if you're actually close to that, or if you're taking in more than you'd realized some way or another, and for me it helped me realize that even a handful of pine nuts as a salad topping can make a calorie difference that isn't needed, or that I can mix a little water with my oil and vinegar salad dressing to help cover the salad, instead of putting more actual dressing. This is when dh was on his strict diet. Also, two weeks of strict control might make enough of a difference to help motivate you to continue. But I would still get your thyroid checked first.

--------------------
Thanks for checking in on my DH troubles. We're back to normal. We talked some, and he said he didn't want to have any kind of a separation, and that he didn't agree to it, and he was making some changes in his behavior. He outlined some examples, and I realized that he had been actively trying to make positive changes, which was good. I am not seeing very much of him, because he's been coming in just in time for the kids' bedtime most of the time, and weekends we're each taking care of twins and baby separately and switching, and we're not talking much because he lost his voice a week ago, but now I'm just teasing him and saying things like "Just say nothing if you agree with me."

We are going camping together soon. I'll let you know how that goes.

The most positive thing dh has said to me in recent memory is when he compared me to Sisyphus, because of the endless laundry I do. I can't remember if I told you all that. Or I think I did and deleted it.

Bridget, I hope all is well this weekend.

Gwenn, sorry to hear about the fight. I agree, it seems like men and women differ about these things, and even if the need or want is there equally, it seems like how they go about them or how they prioritize them or even how they communicate about them is completely different.

Sorry about the long post. I got off work early and have a couple of hours to do errands before picking the children up from school, and what am I doing? APA! But before I go, I want to ask your advice about food-related issues. I don't ever make my kids eat everything on their plates, we rarely have desserts (and when we do I say "save room for dessert" instead of "eat all of your dinner so you can have dessert"), and I try not to use food for rewards or punishments, except for the brief period of potty training with the mini m&ms.

When the twins were little, when they started throwing food off their plates I'd take away their plates briefly and then give them back to let them finish. Since they were always small, I wanted to make sure they ate as much as they needed. Now that they're older and I want them to start having better table manners and I'm not as concerned about their weights, I've told them that if they start playing with their food or if they leave the table I will assume they're done with dinner.

DS usually plays a little. DH will move his plate a little bit and I'll remind him, "Are you done? Then you should eat your food." Then he usually buckles down and starts eating. Sometimes he stops eating and starts playing and we take away his plate. He usally protests a minute and then goes to wash his hands.

One night DD finished all of her food and asked for seconds and I was bringing them to her when DS stuck his finger near her and she grabbed it and bent it. DH said, "Well, you hurt your brother so you're not going to get your food." She started crying about how hungry she was. I talked to him later about how it seemed like it wasn't an appropriate punishment because we normally use time-outs for that sort of thing, and I don't like using food as a reward or punishment, but he pointed out how hypocritical it was for me to say that because we take away their food if they play with it too much or if they leave the table. So he was totally right, and I admitted it, but it still seemed very different to me.

Last night DS stopped eating his food about 10 minutes into dinner, and eventually got up and left the table even after I coaxed him to try some of his favorites that were on the plate. So I removed his plate, at which point he became very uncharacteristically hysterical and said he was still hungry and how he couldn't believe I took his plate away. DD offered to share her food, and he refused it. DH came home to this scene of DS wailing about how hungry he was and how I took away his food and wouldn't give it back even though he said please, and again reminded me about how I'd said I didn't like punishing with food.

I don't know what to think about all of this. Our meal time is pretty loose. We don't have that many rules of behavior. I don't think removing a plate after fairly obvious signs of being done or messing around is all that different at age 4 than removing a plate from a 15-month-old who is throwing food on the floor (and yes, 4-year-old DS still does that sometimes too), but if this is wrong, then maybe that is wrong. Or I don't want this to be right just because it's me who came up with it. I know there are moms or moms-to-be in this section who run the gamut from being totally laissez-faire about this sort of thing to those who would probably insist on this and more, like using a fork instead of hands and not sticking a tongue out with food on it. I would be interested in hearing what you think, because last night's hysterical meltdown made me feel terrible, but I don't know what I should do about trying to instill semi-good behavior at the table otherwise. We tried behavior stickers for table manners for a while, and that didn't work. We tried to do rewards to go out to eat at restaurants, because they certainly aren't really ready to eat publicly the way they are now and they love eating out, but that didn't work.

Perhaps I was just thrown for a loop because of the hysterics. I remember a thread not too long ago when people were discussing the restaurants that didn't allow children and someone posted how her 4-year-old was very well-behaved but still had a tantrum once a month or so. Mine just don't. They have their moments, but not tantrums, not hysterics. Every once in a while they cry, but it's because someone's taking a toy or someone hurt them or they are sleepy, and stuff like that hardly ever happens out in public. I can't remember the last time either one of them cried like this.

Stay tuned for my next novel! Coming soon from Bantam House.

[AmeriBrit]

Hmm, Lydia; that's a toughie. I don't like to punish with foods. With Travis, I usually have to coax him to eat his savory by promising a dessert. I know that's probably the wrong thing to do but he insists he only likes sweet things, yet he'll eat his dinner to get a sweet! So, sorry, I'm not being very helpful right now.

I've just written my 150 word personal statement for the application for the teaching program I'm applying to...well, it's a first draft. I'm really tired now, so I think I'll go to bed....I'll chat more in the morning...sorry for the brief post...I promise to chat more tomorrow, all!

[daylilies]

I don't like to punish (or reward) with food unless the infraction has to do with food...like not finishing a meal. Josh likes to snack all day and not eat his meals. So he can't have a snack immediately after, if he does that.

[Gwenn]

So I just finished catching up and am going to go back through the thread to respond to posts directed at me, but I wanted to comment on Lydia's food dilemma first, because the psychologist at the presentation yesterday was talking about this sort of thing - actually the topic was "Behavior management for challenging children." Anyway, he talked about the stages of cognitive development - are you familiar with Piaget and the preoperational/concrete operational stages? Basically a preschooler is usually in the preoperational stage which means the child is able to think SYMBOLICALLY but not yet LOGICALLY (although that is developing). So a child in the preoperational stage may not understand the connection between punishment and reward if it requires a logical process of thinking through. Logically, misbehaving = punishment (dinner is over). However, for a kid in preoperational that logical step isn't strong so he said it's extremely important for the consequence to be connected to the behavior. Therefore, something more appropriate to his model would be you hurt your brother --> you lose access to your brother. In school I would make a child leave the table and sit by me but would never, ever take her food away (in school if I confiscated food as punishment I could probably be sued or fired, so that's not an option for me). Strangely enough, yesterday afternoon a coworker of mine with two grown sons said when they fought or hurt each other, they lost the privelege of being together in the same room - so one could stay in the first room with the TV and the other had to leave and choose another activity. She said it worked like a charm. But I would say that what is bothering you about this punishment is that it is not the food that was at issue, and the concrete connection between her dinner and hurting her brother was missing (where throwing food --> dinner confiscated is a direct connection). Does that make sense?

ETA: And hysterics, when they aren't due to a communication breakdown, are generally due to a failure to be able to logically think through the situation and see the connection between action and consequence.

[Gwenn]

Was it you that said her dh got all excited about a baby food making processor?

LOL - yes, that was my DH! I think that got lost in here somewhere. He really does want a baby.

Oh by the way, Tuesday was Josh's second to last swim class of the session. His teacher recommended we take that class again but said he might change his mind and let him take the one where I don't have to go in with him. I hope he gets to move up! We'll find out today.

Yay Josh! Good luck in the class on his own!

I think that it's common for both to want a baby but one (usually the woman) to want it much more. I know for sure that is our case. I know he wants one but not like I do and why I have done the majority of the work for the adoption. I did make him write his own autobiography though.
We had a number of times of drama dealing with this....but the worst was this past new years eve. My BFF had just had her baby like 2 days before, another girl was pg at work, I started drinking heavily and just basically had a major meltdown that resulted in him also crying because he couldn't stand seeing me so hurt and not being able to fix it. It was after that we got started on our current route. Which we at first were going to start in July/August but I got antsy and talked him into the March/April home study group.

Isn't the RE appt in like a week or two? I don't think that it is unreasonable to ask him to wait until at least after that and you guys can see if the issue is something small and easy to fix. Waiting a few weeks or a month doesn't mean that one is stuck forever.

Yeah, the RE is Tuesday the 23rd so we'll see how it goes. I didn't really want to get into everything with DH because it stresses me out, but it's easier to talk about it in here. I think we're feeding off each other - he's had a very hard time every time I am let down once again. Things haven't worked well in the bedroom for us this month and I suspect the level of anxiety is getting to him and he doesn't want to go through it again.

He's been looking for a guard unit to transfer into now that he's done with FL. Our state is locked in for deployment a couple of years from now. It actually be to a much safer area and for a much safer mission than he had last time, but for DH that is a bad thing. If he gets locked in he can't go anywhere else (like to the job he wanted in Georgia) and he wouldn't get to do things that would look good on his military resume in the meantime - he says it could kill his career. He was actually speaking with another state's guard (we would be near Katy) and they really want him to join - so much so that one of the NCO's sent his resume out to a few places like the counter drug force to find him a civilian job which would be amazing, actually - and it would be work he loves and wants to do. But - and this is the kicker - they deploy this.January. I told DH quite honestly that I almost didn't survive the last deployment and if he leaves again and is gone until I'm 39.5 (so ruling out any possibility of motherhood before I turn 40) I don't know that I could mentally survive it. He said that if he does go, we could use the money he would earn to pay for IVF so we could be certain to have a baby. I just became furious because in his mind, this is both best for his career, and the best way for us to have a family. I just lost it because for me, IVF is an absolute last-ditch, desperation measure when everything else has failed and we don't even know at this point that we need IVF or that it would even work - and Jan might mean he leaves town in October or even sooner so we might not even have time to get through a cycle before he has to go! He said I was being too negative and coming up with "reasons" for him not to do the things he needed to do - but I just feel like he is not making me a priority (although in his strange way I think this is how he is trying to help us start our family).

I think he emailed the commander back and told him he needed until after my RE appt to decide (didn't say why) but I haven't heard about it since. I think he realized it wasn't good for me but that's why he's feeling depressed and stuck now.

I hate this - we are in love with each other but I have to wonder if there is a point where things just don't work despite both partners' best efforts? I really hate to suggest that, but it's crossed my mind.

Dbf left this morning. I almost feel relieved. Whatever happens now is completely out of my control.

That does seem wrong about the balloons, too.

[Gwenn]

Ugh, I should have posted all that in private but it followed the conversation here. Oh, well, there it is.

[missychrissy]

My DH frequently tells me that he doesn't know what he would do without me and I am the best thing that ever happened to him. It makes his idiot moments more bareable.

Erin

I love that your dh appreciates you.

Rich is always saying nice things like that to me too, but I'm finding that I don't want to hear it. I hate to say this, but I'm hanging on to irritations and resentment against him and I just can't shake it. I know we're both stressed and have had one heck of a year...but there was stuff before that. I've been saying, "when ____ happens, things will get better" for what feels like years now. It can't be healthy. It hurts to admit that. Things do usually get better, but it also feels like the 'good times' cycle is shorter and the bad times cycles are more frequent and last longer. I'm totally at a loss as to what to do. And again, I'm absolutely not interested in marriage counseling at all. I know that's probably like putting a nail in the coffin of my marriage, but that's how I've felt for the last 6-8 months.

Okay - this is crazy!!!! I watch what I eat, never eat fast food, exercise at least 3 times a week, yet somehow in the past month I have gained EIGHT pounds!!! I had my thyroid checked last year and am on meds for that and my metabolism measured as higher than normal yet somehow I have gained eight pounds in four weeks.

I am starting to feel like there is no point in worrying about what I eat or exercising at all. I am so sick and frustrated right now.

I think L had great advice. Tracking calories helped me a lot too.

L-imo, I think that you were right in that your dh was suddenly using food as a form of punishment that already had other established means of discipline. Since you always had the rule about not leaving the table/messing with the food or you lose your plate, then that wasn't anything new or different. Consistency is the most important aspect of parenting. I think it would be more detrimental to change things up at this point. Just my thoughts.

Mandy had excellent input too of course! I love reading stuff like that. I find it very interesting.

[Cosmosmom]

Well I tend to be a bit more strict than most here I think except maybe Erin. When I had kids all day every day the years I did day care at home, we did eat at the table and we practiced manners. I did not allow standing in the seat, throwing food on the floor (once past baby age of course because they always tried to "share" with the doggie). I did not ever force anyone to eat but also was never a reward or punishment. We tried to keep things simple and calm. Once one of the kids started messing around, I would ask if they were done. No, and they were told to stop whatever it was and finish lunch. If they said yes or kept messing around, lunch was just over. didn't make a big deal or use as punishment...it was just a "ok guess you are done". And I did not give a snack until the next snack time. I knew that they were not going to starve in a 2-2.5 hour period. did this a few times and even the really stubborn one started to eat lunch nicely most of the time.

I usually had 3 other kids...2 were siblings...plus my sister was my helper.

I probably spend a lot of time thinking about how meals are going to go because I don't want to create food issues in our kid. DH is overweight and I'm even more overweight. and even more, I'm awfully picky and was 10x worse as a kid before I met DH. I really want meals to be peaceful and learn mindful eating. And not so picky....good news is that DH and I eat pretty balanced now and have veggies daily. Dh and I do not eat the table hardly ever but I wish that we did. With a child though, all meals except picnics will be at the table as a family.
I 100% am against forcing eating. I know someone who makes her daughter eat at the next meal the veggies she refused at the last one. I disagree with that. Even as picky as I am, if I get hungry enough, i will try things I don't care much for like at others homes. I know same friend often makes 3 different meals....I disagree with that also. I cook one thing and we eat it. Tonight I had a taste for something and made it even though DH wasn't in the mood for it so much but he ate it. Only once in a while do we make different things to eat, like maybe a leftover scrounge around night. I don't love brussel sprouts but they are DH's favorite. So when I make them for him, I will eat them even though I prefer broccoli.

It does come down to what one is comfortable with. I know some don't mind snacks while walking around. when i was doing snacks, they were at the table just like lunch. The two moms of the kids I had were also both fine with how we did things at our house so that was good.

And our family has more recently been this way with my young cousins....

[girlwonder]

I went down the Google rabbit hole today trying to figure out what is up and now I have a suspicion that I may have Celiac disease? I have at least 10 of the symptoms listed, and it is related to thyroid disease. I don't know, of course, but I will call my dr. tomorrow to try to set up an appointment to get a blood test. Or maybe it could be some sort of food allergy thing that causes your body to crave beyond reason the things that you are actually allergic to. I do feel that I am close to being diabetic because I have been having crashes that I feel are directly related to sugar/carb intake. Anyway, I will have to call the dr. to see is she has any suggestions. Anyone know anything about celiac/food allergies or alternatively, Weight Watchers vs. SparkPeople vs. food diary?

How sick am I that part of me wants it to be a disease so I can say to my mom that NO! I am not just over-eating mindlessly and like a big fat pig and there is a reason beyond my weakness as a human being that I am gaining weight. Whew. Of course in reality I would much rather it be just me eating too much than such a terrible disease. My mom can be pretty judgmental and rude about weight issues. When I told her about my diagnosed eating disorder in my early 20's she said "Oh, everyone has one of those!" Like it was okay?!? Ugh. I hate this.

[girlwonder]

L - I would chalk up the hysteria to a one-time thing. Sometimes I think they just have off days. Maybe explain again the rule so that it is fresh in his mind. We are pretty laissez-faire at this point about table/food stuff. The only thing we try to stick to is that if she is done eating that she goes to her room so we can finish our dinners in peace.

[Bridget]

Lydia, the rules you try to enforce at the table sound exactly like mine. The reason I think it's different than the way your dh used it is because taking the plate when the child plays is sort of using the whole "natural consequences" method. Throwing food and such is directly related to dinner rules. But maybe that's just semantics because I tend to be able to construct a way to make anything apply to the natural consequence rule. For example, today Savana and Kai both blatantly ignored my requests (more than once) of them to stop jumping from the couch to the futon while the babies were playing on the floor and it was dangerous. I told them we could not go back to the fair this afternoon because theywere not following my directions regarding safety and at the fair I need to trust that they are going to follow the safety rules.
But back to the subject at hand. I probably give too many chances at the table because I have that same fear that maybe they are still hungry and I am taking their food. One thing I have done down in the daycare is move the child to a table of their own if they are being too disruptive. Often the child is more than happy to move and they do much better that way.

Oh, and I will say that in order to have dessert, they must eat some of the other things (not have to finish) because it's important to have a balance of all things. I think that's reasonable because it's true. I will say the same if they just want to eat bread, or only fruit.

[missychrissy]

Oh Katy I wish I had some advice. I really encourage you to pursue things with your dr though because it really could be a medical issue. I'm not sure what all is out there that causes those symptoms, but maybe it is something easily treated.

And boo on your mom. How awful of her to say such a thing.

[Bridget]

I went down the Google rabbit hole today trying to figure out what is up and now I have a suspicion that I may have Celiac disease? I have at least 10 of the symptoms listed, and it is related to thyroid disease. I don't know, of course, but I will call my dr. tomorrow to try to set up an appointment to get a blood test. Or maybe it could be some sort of food allergy thing that causes your body to crave beyond reason the things that you are actually allergic to. I do feel that I am close to being diabetic because I have been having crashes that I feel are directly related to sugar/carb intake. Anyway, I will have to call the dr. to see is she has any suggestions. Anyone know anything about celiac/food allergies or alternatively, Weight Watchers vs. SparkPeople vs. food diary?

How sick am I that part of me wants it to be a disease so I can say to my mom that NO! I am not just over-eating mindlessly and like a big fat pig and there is a reason beyond my weakness as a human being that I am gaining weight. Whew. Of course in reality I would much rather it be just me eating too much than such a terrible disease. My mom can be pretty judgmental and rude about weight issues. When I told her about my diagnosed eating disorder in my early 20's she said "Oh, everyone has one of those!" Like it was okay?!? Ugh. I hate this.

I think we posted at the same time. I hope you can figure out what is going on.

[missychrissy]

I never used to buy sweets at all. Maybe once every other month or so. They were very few and far between...till the girls started having AF visit. They crave chocolate something fierce (Bobbie and Jessica do). I never experienced anything like it. Bobbie is worse. Or, she's more vocal about it. But anyway as a result Conner gets more sweets than his sisters did at his age.

[Cosmosmom]

I went down the Google rabbit hole today trying to figure out what is up and now I have a suspicion that I may have Celiac disease? I have at least 10 of the symptoms listed, and it is related to thyroid disease. I don't know, of course, but I will call my dr. tomorrow to try to set up an appointment to get a blood test. Or maybe it could be some sort of food allergy thing that causes your body to crave beyond reason the things that you are actually allergic to. I do feel that I am close to being diabetic because I have been having crashes that I feel are directly related to sugar/carb intake. Anyway, I will have to call the dr. to see is she has any suggestions. Anyone know anything about celiac/food allergies or alternatively, Weight Watchers vs. SparkPeople vs. food diary?

How sick am I that part of me wants it to be a disease so I can say to my mom that NO! I am not just over-eating mindlessly and like a big fat pig and there is a reason beyond my weakness as a human being that I am gaining weight. Whew. Of course in reality I would much rather it be just me eating too much than such a terrible disease. My mom can be pretty judgmental and rude about weight issues. When I told her about my diagnosed eating disorder in my early 20's she said "Oh, everyone has one of those!" Like it was okay?!? Ugh. I hate this.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I have weight issues but know that I'm eating more than enough and way too many carbs and alcohol.

As for the questions. I have used all of those and think that WW online is by far the easiest. Spark people is probably second best but I find the calorie counting harder than points...though at least that is free. I did lose weight the few times I managed to stay on points and count them for a whole week.

my friends mom went gluten free and also found out about an egg allergy...friend said mom has been feeling much better and has lost weight going g-free and no eggs but that is a hard diet.

for more info go to www.medlineplus.gov and stick in celiacs....you will get very reliable medical info there. It's where I go first for my library users that are patients. I LOVE that site.

Also, do you know what you TSH is exactly or are they just saying that it's "normal". Labs will tell you normal is like 5 or 5.5 and under. Reality is that most people who are normal are closer to one, under 2. I am hypothyroid too and we keep mine around 1.5 ish. Have you recently changed how you are taking the meds...time, with food or something else? That can affect things too with thyroid meds.

One last thought I had would be to give it another month. Seems like I recall reading that after plane travel, it's common to hold onto water more and your trip wasn't that long ago I think?

[girlwonder]

Thanks, for the shoulder everyone!

Jennifer - we got back about a week ago, so I think too long to be holding on to that weight. I have never noticed a weight issue after flying before.

I think I just need to call my dr. and get a thorough workup, including a new thyroid test. My endocrinologist said once a year, but I am feeling so whacked out that maybe I can call and schedule one sooner.

I read that celiac can emerge after pregnancy, childbirth and major surgery (c-section!) - I have felt completely out of control of my body since I had JoJo. Nothing works the way it used to, and it doesn't respond the way it should. I just feel like all my systems are failing or something. But maybe I am just being over-dramatic? I don't know. I'll call the dr.

Oh and the TSH - I need to dig out my test results to see. I know when I was first diagnosed, by TSH was 98, so waaaaaaaaay out of normal range.

[Cosmosmom]

Mandy, for me at some point I decided that DH was more important and us having a good relationship was more important than if we ever had a child. And I think that I really meant it, much as it killed me to think about not ever having a child.

I don't really understand the whole career thing since I'm not knowledgeable at all about military...but I kind of think that maybe he should go for it for his sake and yours (it's not fun to have a spouse feel so down and stuck career wise and when that spouse is a man, it's even worse i think!) after you appt. What I'm thinking is that if his swimmers are not the issue, you could get a store of them and do IUI's while he gone. Not ideal of course but he could maybe be back by birth. If it is him and you decide on donor...again could try it while he's gone. And certainly IVF is a good option. It wasn't really for me but I know that the stats of success are much lower when the woman is overweight like me....really the biggest negative about that is the money.

I really believe that there could be some ways for you both to get what you want and need. I do wish that you guys had more time to figure it all out.

[Gwenn]

Jennifer, THANK you. I think I've been feeling a little "depressed and stuck," too. Thanks for reminding me that there are options, although they might not be my first choice.

I do think it's important to keep him mentally healthy. And honestly, I know that if we learned that we absolutely could not conceive a child, could not adopt, or anything I would be happy to spend my life with him ... so why is it so hard? It just is. I think part of it is that biological clock is really something else when you're edging closer and closer to 40. Yuck.

[3andMe]

Katy, I do know some about celiac disease. It is very easy to get a blood test for that, as well as a blood test for allergies to food (in general, although it won't tell you which ones specifically). We actually just got DS tested for all that. It's pretty simple and quick.

If you are having cravings for carbs and sugar, though and you are satisfying them more than you used to, that might explain some of the weight gain and even more of the cravings. I know, even without a diagnosed illness, and even without considering myself weak, that if I start doing anything that gives me a particular extra reward (like Reese's miniature pb cups), I'll start thinking about it more often, it will occur to me more often, I'll give in and have it as a special treat more often, and it will set up this wonderful or nasty (depending on how you look at it and what it is) feedback cycle where the treat becomes more of a craving the more often it's indulged. I have to go at least two weeks without sugar or chocolate for it to become less of a habit, and during those two weeks I think about it nearly constantly.

Here is an article about the dopamine reward system and sugar addiction. I can't vouch for the guy, but it seemed pretty easy to read and that's basically how it works. If you have a history of an eating disorder (and shame on your mom for dismissing that!), then it's probably even harder for you.

And FWIW, you're not alone in wanting it to BE something. Half the time we come up with normal tests on people, they're very disappointed.

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Thanks for all of your input about my food issues. I couldn't figure out if I was being unjust, or hypocritical, and I tried to articulate to dh why what he did was so different and Gwenn said it so much better than I did and Bridget said it very concisely (which will always help with my dh as well). And finally, I agree with Katy that the hysteria was probably a one-time thing, as he also threw a tantrum when I had him wash his hands and put on his pajamas. It's just been bothering me over time that I might be doing something (taking away their plates) that in principle I don't want to do (punishing with food) when it never occurred to me before DH brought it up.

Gwenn, I can see very much why you'd be upset. IVF is not the easy solution for when you're done with all the other things you want to do instead of having a baby. It's not like you're making up reasons to keep him here. I do think they (men) don't have the same sort of dedicated timeline that we do (when we're thinking about having babies and our childbearing years), and I think you're being generous with him in your willingness to understand his motives.

(Have I used enough parentheses yet?)

[Gwenn]

I work very hard to try to understand people. That said, it doesn't mean I always respond in a mature or understanding way.

[3andMe]

My favorite quotes from tonight:

"You have a doctoral degree and you can't figure out how to put away laundry?"

"I just find women's clothing somewhat daunting."

[Bridget]

I find it a little daunting myself.

[missychrissy]

That's a cute quote L

LOL - yes, that was my DH! I think that got lost in here somewhere. He really does want a baby
....

I hate this - we are in love with each other but I have to wonder if there is a point where things just don't work despite both partners' best efforts? I really hate to suggest that, but it's crossed my mind.

I'm sorry I missed this response. But I thought it was your dh that said that, and to me (not knowing him personally) it seemed to scream that he does want a baby. Just generalizing here, but most men aren't as all gung-ho outwardly about the prospect of a baby. It doesn't lessen their desire and excitement about having one though.

As for his work--ugh. I think Jennifer really touched on that well. My heart aches for you two. Not an easy situation to be in at all.

Last night I mentioned to Rich that I might just find my own place because I think we're at the end, and like you said it isn't for lack of love. For us, it's that we're two very different people with very different approaches to everything. I feel like I'm always battling him to see things my way and I'm just tired of it. I'm not talking about the little things either...some of the big stuff that we had going on was made worse by his reaction and attitude about it all. His response was a sarcastic, "Why are you doing this now?" He thinks because we've moved that things should just be better? I dunno. Then he went to, "I get it. I'm not good enough for you." Which I never said, implied, or even thought. I gave up.

And honestly, I know that if we learned that we absolutely could not conceive a child, could not adopt, or anything I would be happy to spend my life with him ... so why is it so hard? It just is. I think part of it is that biological clock is really something else when you're edging closer and closer to 40. Yuck.

Great big Mandy.

I work very hard to try to understand people. That said, it doesn't mean I always respond in a mature or understanding way.

You're human. It's ok.

[3andMe]

Back to Katy--if it's been a year since you've had any kind of thyroid tests, I still think that should be the first step, no matter what.

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Me: What words begin with the letter O?
DS: Too!
Me: Do you think that begins with the letter O? Sound it out. Tuh tuh tuh TOO. What sound does that first letter make?
DD: T!
DS: But if you spell it backwards, it begins with O!

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[daylilies]

Lydia! That's brilliant!

LOL at the laundry comment. DH has problems sorting laundry too. He says if I think he's doing it wrong I should do it myself

I really make an effort to understand DH and be kind to him. But the second he comes home, it's like...the atmosphere changes. You can just feel his dissatisfaction and I think it's rubbing off on me.

[daylilies]

I'm sorry about you and Rich Chrissy. But is it possible with all the stressing things going on now that it just seems magnified? Could you wait until the dust settles a little, things get back to somewhat normal and look at things again? I think when it seems like everything is going wrong at once you just want to get away from whatever you can. I'm not doubting your feelings at all and I know you've been having trouble with him for a long time but maybe this isn't the best time to make a big decision about it.

[Gwenn]

I'm sorry about you and Rich Chrissy. But is it possible with all the stressing things going on now that it just seems magnified? Could you wait until the dust settles a little, things get back to somewhat normal and look at things again? I think when it seems like everything is going wrong at once you just want to get away from whatever you can. I'm not doubting your feelings at all and I know you've been having trouble with him for a long time but maybe this isn't the best time to make a big decision about it.

ITA with this. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Chrissy.