Secular Confessions

[Gwenn]

Okay, I'm going to link to the video because it explains the mechanism well. The idea is that it communicates to the child that there are certain expectations throughout the day, some fun and some not so fun, and lets him know that if he gets through the not-fun stuff, something more fun is coming. This actually starts pretty low with strategies I would use with kids who are non-verbal communicators and obviously that doesn't apply to Josh. If I would recommend any of her schedules in the video for you/Josh, it would be the last most advanced one, but I would actually make one differently for Josh if I set out to make a schedule with him in mind. I'd probably use digital photos from a camera combined with written words underneath and have him check off as she showed at the end. You could put it in a small binder or notebook that would fit in your purse.

The idea is you are communicating a sequence of ideas in advance so he knows he has to get through certain things to get to other fun things. It doesn't mean you have to have a rigidly planned day, and it also doesn't mean you (being Mom) can't make changes to the schedule as needed. The point is he will see those changes. And when a day is different, it helps him understand how a day will be different so he doesn't freak out when he has to stop doing something he likes even though something more fun is coming.

If you don't like the schedule idea, a timer is another option. Let him know he has a certain amount of time (whatever works best for him - 1 minute, or 3, or 5) until playtime (or whatever) is finished and he has to do the next thing. Then set the time on your clock. With my kids I've had success using this both with fun things and with NOT fun things. It really helps them knowing that an experience they don't like (like work time) will be over soon. I often set a digital timer and set it out so the child can see the numbers go down and he knows when it's time to stop working.

[daylilies]

Thanks, I will check it out

[daylilies]

I liked the video. They do that last one at preschool. (not individually but it's up at the front of the class every day) But I'm still not sure how to deal with challenges as they come, like when I have to pick him up from somewhere and he's not ready. I've tried the timer and he still fights it when it goes off.

[demigraf]

Ooh, I can't wait to check out the link you posted, Mandy. I've been trying upgrade my fargin' iPhone all day, and managed to crash it, so now I am restoring it to a virgin system. Lord knows if I'm gonna have to replace all the apps I downloaded, including the ones I paid for. The only reason I was so bent on upgrading was because I want to put the Livestrong app on my phone, since I feel like I need to do SOMETHING to be more mindful of my eating/exercise habits. And even then, my contract is up at the end of the month and I'm considering replacing the phone/plan altogether since my reception is lousy in my house...(*stops to take breath*)

Kate - Josh sounds a lot like Bodhi, only more mature and I guess that's why you expect him to behave more, which makes sense. I am eagerly taking notes from all these discussions. After every toddler temperament quiz I've taken says that Bodhi is a "spirited" child, I'm very close to taking it to heart. And there are books out there like "Raising the Spirited Child" that you might want to check out if you're hesitant to seek advice from professionals at the moment. One of the moms I know has a 6 yr old who is "spirited" and she describes him always the one to want more, more, more. She felt the book was a lifesaver.

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-S.../dp/0060923288
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-S.../dp/0060952407

I don't know if these books are old news to you, but they're something I plan to check out. I'm still in the "toddlers will be toddlers" mindset at the moment.

So before too much time passes, I want to share the funny conversation I had with a girl at the coffee shop the other day:

Girl: What can I get you?
Me: Oh, I'd like a small coffee in a medium cup and a chocolate croissant...against my better judgment.
Girl: <smiles, then stops to chat with a regular customer>

Girl: Did you say you wanted a medium coffee in a large cup?
Me: Oh, no, a small in a medium cup, please.

Girl: <brings me my coffee> Let's see, what else am I forgetting?
Me: <opens mouth and starts to answer question>Girl: Oh, yes, your better judgment.
Me: <laughing> Yes, we both forgot my better judgment this morning.

Sorry for the overshare, but I don't keep a journal anymore (haven't had the time in 3 years), so APA is pretty much my repository of all the things that happen to me.

Hi, christina. I hope Nolan is progressing and school doesn't get too much in your way.

Bridget, how did it go when M came home yesterday?

L, I'm sorry you were having a rough patch, but I'm glad you felt better the next day. The other morning, Bodhi was having a moment of frustration and was crying. He opened his arms, seeming to ask me for a cuddle. I asked him what was wrong, and he wailed "Evwee-ting and evwee-buddy!" And I just thought: oh, honey, I have so been there. (And I giggled to myself because he was having a little toddler crisis). It felt so good to be able to tell him "mama's here", like it semi-made up for all those times I didn't have somebody to reassure me it would all be ok.

We all need to have our moments.

[Bridget]

Kate,
I think you're a good mom too. We're all pretty clueless, I think. No two kids are the same and there is so much info out there. I hope the schedule helps. I'm going to take a look too.

I yelled at my kids today. Kai bit Savana and she punched him in the face. Wtf?
They were both crying the second I raised my voice and they said I scared them which I'm sure I did since I don't often yell. I did apologize but also said when they hurt eachother it makes me so upset that I yelled without even thinking. So we made a pact that we'd all stop yelling/punching/biting.
I think, for me, the punching and biting should be easy to give up.

[daylilies]

Cute story Myles
I hadn't heard of those books, I'll look at them. I've always been told he's just a normal kid which doesn't help me feel better that I can't handle him and other people can and seem to still want more, LOL
Like, he's an easygoing kid around most people except me and DH. The only difficult behavior he's exhibited to anyone else is at swim lessons. He's great at school, great at church class, great with babysitters and neighbors and strangers at the park.

[Bridget]

I also think that is typical for kids to behave for other adults. I took care of a little girl for years and her mom would tell me stories about 2 hour meltdowns at home and I'd never even seen the girl cry outside of physical injury.

Myles, M just acted like nothing happened. And I didn't have the energy to bring it up again. He knows how I feel about the particular issue at hand. That's all I can do.
We are supposed to go camping next week and I'm trying not to be annoyed that he invited his friend and wife. Maybe I'm a snob but she annoys me. She's a non-listener. I cannot conversate with people I can tell are not really listening. Plus I know they, along with dbf, are just going to throw back cocktails and that's just not my idea of camping with my kids.

[3andMe]

Kate, how your kids behave at home is not really an indication necessarily of how they are in public. DH used to worry that dd was a little sociopathic because of how grabby she was with toys and how unwilling she was to share and how she didn't seem to demonstrate any empathy. I would tell him to relax, that all kids were like that, and developing empathy is a long and gradual process. And then he would point out that ds was not like that (comparisons really are odious, and it's hard when you have two very different kids of the same age).

And then dd got old enough to start really being interested in and interacting with other kids at the playground, and you never met a sweeter, kinder, more generous person. In public. She will find a ball on the ground and see a baby and run over and say "Here baby, do you want to play with this?" The other moms look at each other and go "Aw" or grimace at their own kids who are stealing the other kids' toys. But at home, she is still insanely grabby and even if she is not interested in a toy, even if she is doing something completely different, if another child starts playing with something she will run over and want to take it.

My point is that what other people see and what you see is not always the same kid.

[Gwenn]

I liked the video. They do that last one at preschool. (not individually but it's up at the front of the class every day) But I'm still not sure how to deal with challenges as they come, like when I have to pick him up from somewhere and he's not ready. I've tried the timer and he still fights it when it goes off.

You know, when you're in the moment of the behavior crisis it is MUCH harder to deal with and I don't always have the answer. My first year or two of working I said the same thing to one of the more experienced teachers. Her answer was that when we're in the moment, we just have to deal with it, but really the best way to deal with it is to plan ahead and prevent those meltdowns from happening as best we can. Probably more than half of what I do involves manipulating the environment to prevent meltdown before it starts. I've heard the same thing over and over from people with far more experience and credentials than I do - don't get in the habit of responding to crisis because then you are just moving from crisis to crisis. Prevent the crisis.

But the best and most experienced of us all (which certainly isn't me) have moments of crisis that we just didn't prepare for. In the moment you just get through it. Sometimes you need to stand your ground, and sometimes you just give up and give hugs. Whatever you feel works best.

Sorry for the overshare, but I don't keep a journal anymore (haven't had the time in 3 years), so APA is pretty much my repository of all the things that happen to me.

Thanks for the overshare! In a similar vein, I decided to get a milkshake the other day from the drive through. They had two sizes, and it seems like stores always have bizarre size names like small, large, or jumbo but no medium. So I didn't want to predict which the two sizes would be named, so to head off any discussion I said "I'd like the smaller of the two sizes." Then the girl asked "Do you want that small or large?"

I've thought about starting a journal a few times, but I realize I have nothing to say I don't say in here!

Also, I'm trying to decide if I should upgrade my mac to Lion and I'm scared to do it. Your post didn't help.

I yelled at my kids today. Kai bit Savana and she punched him in the face. Wtf?
They were both crying the second I raised my voice and they said I scared them which I'm sure I did since I don't often yell. I did apologize but also said when they hurt eachother it makes me so upset that I yelled without even thinking. So we made a pact that we'd all stop yelling/punching/biting.
I think, for me, the punching and biting should be easy to give up.

I hope so!

Cute story Myles
I hadn't heard of those books, I'll look at them. I've always been told he's just a normal kid which doesn't help me feel better that I can't handle him and other people can and seem to still want more, LOL
Like, he's an easygoing kid around most people except me and DH. The only difficult behavior he's exhibited to anyone else is at swim lessons. He's great at school, great at church class, great with babysitters and neighbors and strangers at the park.

Yes, but those people aren't mom and dad. I know I was totally different with everyone else as a child than I was with my parents. My mother will finally admit now that she found me very difficult as a child (and I was her 3rd) but I was an angel for everyone else.

[Ky'sMom]

I am really freaking tired today and yesterday I went to bed at 7:30 pm to be awakened by Elle asking for watermelon at 9pm. No one had come and bothered me and I was both grateful and upset since I had things to do and didn't get my Wednesday chores done and now I won't have a chance to do them until next Wednesday (because I am just like that) so now my kitchen floor will not get mopped for another week.

DH had a surgery on Monday, I don't think I mentioned it here but his insurance increased to $600 a month so instead of keeping that plan he switched to a cheaper plan that calls for a deductible of $500 and since it doesn't change until the end of the month, he went ahead and scheduled the surgery and an MRI for his knee that he hurt a while ago so that we wouldn't have to pay anything in the future. So now DH is pretty useless and I have to do everything and just a few days of it has really worn me out! I figured he could have at least awakened me yesterday since it was Elle's bath day and I didn't give her one before bed so had to do it in the morning, which she hates.

But anyway, enough about me.

I wanted to give hugs to L and wish the twins a happy belated birthday. Four year olds are my favorite age of all kid ages. People think I'm nuts but I really love four year olds and I think it is a really fun age.

Mandy, you news is very exciting concerning the adoption!

And Kate hugs to you. I also think it wouldn't hurt to takieJosh to a child psych. I agree that all kids act differently with their mom in particular. My mom always used to tell her daycare parents that. Kids are more comfortable and secure with their parents so they know they can behave in a certain way and their parents won't treat them badly. They don't know about other people, so in a way, them misbehaving is a compliment to how secure they feel with you LOL! I remember her telling this to me when Ky was around 2.5 years old. I thought he was a holy terror then, but really now that I look back on it, he wasn't that bad and I miss his little chubby hands and cheeks and poked out lip of all things.

Bridget, I also think you are a great mom and are super strong to put up with the silly lies of your BF. My DH is very honest but lied to me once and I don't trust him like I used to and more than likely will never again. His reputation is ruined in my eyes. I know it would be difficult for me if he lied constantly about stupid things. My brother and his girlfriend are liars like that and I don't even like talking to them because of it. His girlfriend is worse than him, but I dread calling them so their son, my nephew who is visiting, can talk to them because they are such liars and procrastinators and exaggerators. It is just clownish to me. I just got off the phone with her and I had to sigh before I called because I knew she would come at me with some lies, and she did. I'm happy that my nephew will be going home soon so I don't have to speak to them as much for a while and I feel horrible about that, especially my brother whom I love dearly, but I just cannot stand the lying and I know eventually I will tell them about themselves and it will mar our relationship. They are now lying and making up excuses about why they didn't buy a ticket to come and pick up my nephew. I bought my nephew's ticket on the day that they wanted to come and get him and they were supposed to give my mom money to buy it with her credit card (because they don't have credit or debit cards or a checking account) but they never gave it to her so now I have a non-refundable ticket for my nephew and will more than likely have to pay for him to fly as an unaccompanied minor since they did not follow through and lied about what they were going to do. Liars are just exasperating.

And my DH is also one to not do exactly as he says when he is running an errand. But he will tell me what he did like he "went to the bar, then to the blues club and watched (insert certain musician) play a couple songs, then to Walmart for dog food and met (insert loser friend's name) so hung out with him in the parking lot of the Shell gas station and talked for a while (insert funny story about a bum asking them for money and DH's interestng come back) and then came home" this is a true story BTW of one of his escapades. He was suppose to get dog food from Walmart and something I needed to make dinner and it took about 3 hours and he got the dog food but not the ingredient but it didn't matter since I had finished cooking by then of course. I was kind of upset but the story was funny and he is always apologetic and doesn't lie so I let it slide probably more than I should.

Erin

[Cosmosmom]

Well, first update is that the mother is apparently working with an adoption agency, and I have the info to contact the agency. Which I think is great for her. I'm wondering, though, if it would change things from our end. Seems like the agency can set her up with a list of parents who are already waiting, so why would she use us? Well, we'll see. I'll probably contact the agency tomorrow.

I am just catching up but HAD to reply to this. Doesn't matter about the agency having already waiting families. In the US, the birth mom has all the say in who chooses for parents for the baby. The agency is not about finding babies for waiting families but matching babies to the right families.

I would much rather a birth mom be working with an agency to make sure that she is getting the support and counseling necessary for her to make the right decision....helps reduce a bit of risk when they have had that support.

[Cosmosmom]

Just popping in to say hi. We drove yesterday morning is such god awful rain storms....we stopped getting contact with the road and had to get off and stop for a while. But made to the grandparents house ok. Yesterday and this morning, grandma didn't really seem to realize that we were there....but this afternoon she opened her eyes and saw us there and said our names. They seem to have her fairly comfortable and I think she seems to have made peace with things. We are really worried about grandpa...he's 90 and has never been alone...they were married I think at least 65 years.
First experience I have really had with hospice....OMG, I don't know how those who work there do it. when we lost the uncle last fall, it was quick...we didn't get to say goodbye but I think that was easier than just sitting there watching and waiting. But the family has all been around so that is nice too.
We got to drop Cosmo off at my parents this afternoon...they are about 45 minutes south. It's just easier to not have to worry about someone (like grandpa) letting her out since the yard isn't fenced or having to be around for her medicine.

The good side is that everyone got to see the finished portfolio and were VERY impressed. All said that they would pick us. Not like they are biased or anything LOL.

I did change the meeting with the social worker....was supposed to be Friday the 5th but now will be the 12th.

Chat more when I have the time.

[daylilies]

Mandy, I hate how places have different sizes like that. The only place I know how to order from comfortably is Starbucks LOL

Thanks for all the advice guys. I just have a hard time taking each incident on its own and not going "OMG not this again" and just feeling very weary about it.

[Smplyme89]

Nolans appointment for the sweat test is on Monday. I am SO over doctors appointments it's not even funny I don't think I told you ladies, when we went back to the specialist on Tuesday he had lost 8oz The medicine is helping, but he is still dropping weight. They want to check him for cystic fibrosis. Hence the sweat test. I'm also going to have to go get a container from the lab so I can freeze his poop so they can check. They think he might have an enzyme deficiency. He can have the enzyme deficinecy and NOT have CF which is what I'm hoping. I just want my baby to be rolly-polly with thunder thighs, is that too much to ask for

[Bridget]

Nolans appointment for the sweat test is on Monday. I am SO over doctors appointments it's not even funny I don't think I told you ladies, when we went back to the specialist on Tuesday he had lost 8oz The medicine is helping, but he is still dropping weight. They want to check him for cystic fibrosis. Hence the sweat test. I'm also going to have to go get a container from the lab so I can freeze his poop so they can check. They think he might have an enzyme deficiency. He can have the enzyme deficinecy and NOT have CF which is what I'm hoping. I just want my baby to be rolly-polly with thunder thighs, is that too much to ask for

[Gwenn]

Nolans appointment for the sweat test is on Monday. I am SO over doctors appointments it's not even funny I don't think I told you ladies, when we went back to the specialist on Tuesday he had lost 8oz The medicine is helping, but he is still dropping weight. They want to check him for cystic fibrosis. Hence the sweat test. I'm also going to have to go get a container from the lab so I can freeze his poop so they can check. They think he might have an enzyme deficiency. He can have the enzyme deficinecy and NOT have CF which is what I'm hoping. I just want my baby to be rolly-polly with thunder thighs, is that too much to ask for

I'm so sorry.

I am just catching up but HAD to reply to this. Doesn't matter about the agency having already waiting families. In the US, the birth mom has all the say in who chooses for parents for the baby. The agency is not about finding babies for waiting families but matching babies to the right families.

I would much rather a birth mom be working with an agency to make sure that she is getting the support and counseling necessary for her to make the right decision....helps reduce a bit of risk when they have had that support.

Oh, I totally agree that she is getting great support from the agency and that can only be a good thing!

I'm still doing a lot of thinking about this. DH and I talked again last night and I'm just doing a lot of thinking. I haven't made a final decision but I think we've probably decided to wait. As I said, I have the RE appointment scheduled and we are going to try that one way or the other. I feel and so does DH that if we're going through the RE I want to do that before I turn 40, but if we adopt we don't have to worry so much about my age. So we really want to focus on the RE for now and then look at adoption in a couple of years if it doesn't work. I looked at the site for the agency she is using and they sound excellent. I feel like the birth mom is in great hands and will be able to find a fabulous family who has already made a firm choice to adopt, and I want those families to have a chance. I just hope I don't end up regretting that choice, but that's where I am for now. DH seems to support whatever I say last. Not that he doesn't care, but he's really being amazingly supportive.

[AmeriBrit]

Myles, that was a funny story. I enjoy reading when everyone shares random parts of their day.

Yesterday was a gloriously sunny day, so we took all 5 of the grandkids (my 2 and SIL's 3) across the fields to the pub. I don't think we'll be doing that again with 2 strollers! It was nice, though. We sat on a hill under a tree and enjoyed it for a bit. I mentioned about going to the pub with the kids and one of my English friends that moved over to America a few years ago commented about how social services would get called on him if he took his kids to a pub over there (I don't think he really likes being in America but lives over there because his wife missed her family over there). It made me realize how much I do enjoy the English culture and how well I fit in here.

Christina, I'm sending you good vibes in hopes little N can start growing soon!

[missychrissy]

Nolans appointment for the sweat test is on Monday. I am SO over doctors appointments it's not even funny I don't think I told you ladies, when we went back to the specialist on Tuesday he had lost 8oz The medicine is helping, but he is still dropping weight. They want to check him for cystic fibrosis. Hence the sweat test. I'm also going to have to go get a container from the lab so I can freeze his poop so they can check. They think he might have an enzyme deficiency. He can have the enzyme deficinecy and NOT have CF which is what I'm hoping. I just want my baby to be rolly-polly with thunder thighs, is that too much to ask for

Oh My heart hurts for you.

And you too Kate. I know it doesn't make you feel better to hear that Josh sounds like other kids, but he does remind me of Conner a lot. If I didn't already go through some of this with my girls, I know I'd feel exactly like you do. And I cannot tell you how many times people told me that all kids act different with other people than they do with their parents, especially Mom. They know they can act their worst and you'll still love them. They're always pushing the boundaries and testing the limits.

I don't mean to sound dismissive or that your concerns aren't valid because I don't feel that way at all. There's nothing wrong with seeking help, but I totally understand your resistance to do so.

Did I ever tell you I participated in a parenting program when Bobbie and Jessica were very little? It was when I was single and I went to a group every 1st Monday of the month. There was other stuff that we did individually with our mentors throughout the month, but all us women got together once a month for an education night. I really enjoyed it a lot and I'm positive it made all the difference in the world for me and my kids. That's one of the places where I heard that kids will act different for other people. Different as in 'better' Stinkers!!

I really do empathize.

[3andMe]

Nolans appointment for the sweat test is on Monday. I am SO over doctors appointments it's not even funny

I am so sorry!

[missychrissy]

On a happy note, Jessie's counselor said last night she's ready for discharge I was stunned, really, but I guess he's talked to Jessie about it for a week or two already. She's kept it to herself, the brat!

Jake has tested her regularly and thinks she’s more than ready. He said for one, if she were still using she wouldn’t be doing summer school. She wouldn’t care. Like when she was actually in school and smoking pot-if she didn’t ‘feel’ like going to class, she wouldn’t. That would still be going on now if she were using. She’s getting up at 5:30 a.m. to go to summer school and she’s not missed 1 class. He said pot-heads don’t do that if they hate a class as much as Jessie hates Global. They go get high instead.

There were other indications. Me, I have thought she was being truthful and ‘good’ lately but then again I was blindsided by the whole thing to begin with so I wasn’t trusting my own instincts or gut about her at all. I always said we’d go as long as the counselor thought she needed it. I’m really putting my faith in him more than myself or Jessie. She knows I still don’t trust her 100%. That part is going to take a long time.

[Smplyme89]

Chrissy that is awesome news I am WAY behind and guess I missed that she was in counseling

[missychrissy]

Chrissy that is awesome news I am WAY behind and guess I missed that she was in counseling

Thanks. And yeah, it all stems from stuff that happened over the winter. On 1/10 she ran away. It was sudden and unexpected and absolutely terrifying because we had no inclination so we didn't know it was by choice. Then a few weeks after that she broke down and admitted to me that she had been smoking pot daily for 7-9 months.

I feel like we might be coming to the end of that dark tunnel. At least with her.

[AmeriBrit]

That's fantastic, Chrissy and sounds really promising that she's turning things around.

I'm sitting here eating Cheerios out of the box with Travis. We're being lazy today.

[AmeriBrit]

Double post

[Smplyme89]

Was she smoking heavily??? I went through a phase where it was a daily, morning, nightly, inbetween classes ritual Than of course I got caught smoking at school and all h*ll broke loose at home I can't imagine how freaked out you must've been when she ran away, especially not knowing if it was by choice or force I'm glad that she seems to be doing better though! Has she dissolved the relationships with her friends that she was smmoking with?? I found that when I quit smoking, I had to give up those friends since thats what they were all about and had no time for nothing else.

Ash - I freaking LOVE lazy days!! My favorite days are the ones where I dn't get have to get out of my PJ's They don't happen anymore, but ah a girl can dream right

[daylilies]

Hi all, we're going to my aunt's house for the weekend. It's in Maine and we'll be coming back on Monday so I should be back on Monday night. I might even be on over the weekend, but just in case, I just wanted to let you know I'd be away. Have a good weekend!

[missychrissy]

Her first lab test indicated she was at the top of the high levels of pot intake, so yeah it was pretty intense. She didn't get caught though. One day we got off the bus and she burst into tears and said, "Mommy, I've been very bad and I want to stop." I'll never forget that moment-I had so many thoughts about what it could have been that when she said she was smoking pot, I was almost relieved. I mean, she wasn't selling herself or making teen porn or anything. I made the call to my former office right then and there and made an appointment with her at Alcohol and Drug Services. She had one relapse but has been clean since the end of March.

It was harder for me to present it to Rich in a way that he wouldn't react angry/mad at her. I'd worked in the field (as an administrative assistant) so I kinda had a clue on what to say/not say but Rich can be very rigid sometimes. He did good though. Part of my stress with him is that when stuff like that happens I have to think very carefully about how I word things so he doesn't blow up at the kids. I also have to choose a good time. It's very stressful. Sometimes I think it would be very nice to have someone I can depend on and just know they can take it...whatever "it" is.

Rich has a lot of other excellent qualities though, so I don't mean to make it sound like he's a bad dad/husband. He's not. Just some areas are tricky...and right now I'm feeling so stressed that I think about the areas that disappointment me more often.

[missychrissy]

Hi all, we're going to my aunt's house for the weekend. It's in Maine and we'll be coming back on Monday so I should be back on Monday night. I might even be on over the weekend, but just in case, I just wanted to let you know I'd be away. Have a good weekend!

Have fun Kate!!

[AmeriBrit]

Have a good time, Kate! I've always wanted to visit Maine and all parts of New England since being a fan of the Newhart show back in the day!

[Smplyme89]

IMO pot isn't really end of the world stuff... Not that its "right" but I'd much rather someone smoke pot than shoot heroin or smoke meth KWIM. Than again, I come from a family of pot heads so that might have something to do with it It's just like anything else some people can handle keeping it low key and others can't. It obviously became a problem for her and I'm glad that she asked for help. It really shows how much she trusts you

I think men, in general, don't know how to react to things in the most appropriate way. So I definitely do not think its just Rich, its mostly the male species... They tend to be idiots!