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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #21931
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    I know what you mean about being a mess and trying not to let it show. I feel that way much of the time. You're gorgeous, you know. And I love the new screen name.

    About my DH argument - he said I was the one picking a fight with him. I genuinely don't see that, unless picking a fight means I am never allowed to have a difference of opinion. Based on what I wrote, who was the one picking a fight?
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  2. #21932

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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwonder View Post
    From me too!!!

    Thanks for the kind words regarding my weight. I am feeling rather awful today about it. It's mainly my gut and my arms - I haven't been able to get control of either of those areas since I had JoJo - it feels just hopeless right now. Didn't help to have a girl at the airport on our way to Chile ask about my "baby bump" I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it really does.
    UGH! That has happened to me a handful of times since having Josh. It really cuts me down every time, too. I always want to say "If I were pregnant and I wanted you to know, I'd tell you!" But I'm usually too embarrassed and upset to say anything.

    Sorry about your DH's grandma, Jennifer

  3. #21933
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    Jennifer, sorry about your DH's grandma. It seems like a lot of the time those decisions fall to the daughter and not the son. Doesn't seem fair and I know your MIL has a lot on her plate.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  4. #21934

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    ARGH! The thing is, most of the time he's not like that at all, so I just don't get why he does this.
    If it makes you feel any better, my DH argues with me like that ALL the time. It's like in their testosterone or something.

    My favorite line is ... "Just because you read it in a book/online from some official source doesn't mean you're right. Sometimes I just have actual experience with the matter." And then when you question him about his actual experience (like with child-rearing - perfect example - his "experience" has to do with being an uncle to 17 kids who live 5000 miles away. Ya gotta love the menfolk.


    Erin, gosh, if I haven't already congratulated you, a huge CONGRATULATIONS on your promotion. You could run that place in no time flat.

  5. #21935

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    Omg, Mandy! That would make my head explode. You should be allowed to have a voice in your house. Do u think this is a new thing or something you forgot about while he was gone?

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  6. #21936
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    It's not new. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! But he does it more when he's upset or worried about something. I think he's uncomfortable with giving a sperm sample...apparently his manhood is in question!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  7. #21937

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    ...but I would very much like to know what you've been reading. Or maybe not.
    I'm a little embarrassed to admit it's a chick lit book called "Behaving Like Adults" by Anna Maxted. She has a very nonlinear, conversational style of writing with a lot of London slang to boot, so it's hard to say focused, but I do find myself relating to her heroines in ways that aren't obvious to me at first. (I have a weakness for English/Irish chick lit, I confess). I could just send it to you when I'm done. I like to give my books away- to the point where we no longer need a bookshelf except for B's kiddie books and my craft books.
    Last edited by demigraf; 07-25-2011 at 03:54 PM.

  8. #21938

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    Jennifer, I'm sorry to hear about your Dh's gramma. I hope the dark cloud that inevitably comes with occasions like this doesn't hang around for too long. Is there a timeline or set of next steps related to her hospice stay?

  9. #21939
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    I'm a little embarrassed to admit it's a chick lit book called "Behaving Like Adults" by Anna Maxted. She has a very nonlinear, conversational style of writing with a lot of London slang to boot, so it's hard to say focused, but I do find myself relating to her heroines in ways that aren't obvious to me at first. (I have a weakness for English/Irish chick lit, I confess). I could just send it to you when I'm done. I like to give my books away- to the point where we no longer need a bookshelf except for B's kiddie books and my craft books.
    Don't be embarrassed. I love chick lit, particularly English chick lit. I'm re-reading "Can You Keep a Secret?" by Sophie Kinsella right now. I fell in love with chick lit after a couple of years of reading nothing but scientific journal articles and textbooks. It really balanced things out for me!

    I'm torn about the book. I would absolutely love for you to send me a free book, but I'm so in love with my iPad that I'm finding I'm doing all my reading on there and avoiding real paper books. But I might be willing to make an exception for a free one!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  10. #21940
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    Jennifer. I'm sure it's very difficult for all of you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Ugh, DH drives me insane sometimes ... really just insane. He keeps getting into arguments with me about things we both know I know more about than he does and refusing to listen to my answer. The other night he refused to believe me that a psychiatrist was a medical doctor. He got really mad at me because "I was talking to him like he was stupid." This was for saying "No, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor. They write MD after their names." Seriously, I read reports from doctors all.the.time. This is not a matter of opinion or debate, it's fact. He went back to his computer and about 5 seconds later (the time it would take to type that into google) announced he was going to bed and stalked out of the room. That was a couple of nights ago and I was PISSED. Then just now for some reason we started talking about learning disabilities and he said he had a hard time accepting people saying their kids had learning disabilities sometimes because they didn't have a physical basis. I pointed out that learning disabilities can result in physical differences in the brain that can be seen on MRI scans. So he said, well, I know what you mean, but not things like dyslexia. I said "Specifically dyslexia." Because there have been a boatload of studies done with dyslexia. That's actually something one of my professors was looking closely at when I was in grad school. Then he announces that he doesn't know why I keep doing this to him, but he was going to take the high road and not argue with me about it. Dude - you know this is my profession. Seriously, what do you expect? Am I just supposed to sit there and tell him he's right because he's the male? ARGH! The thing is, most of the time he's not like that at all, so I just don't get why he does this.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    I know what you mean about being a mess and trying not to let it show. I feel that way much of the time. You're gorgeous, you know. And I love the new screen name.

    About my DH argument - he said I was the one picking a fight with him. I genuinely don't see that, unless picking a fight means I am never allowed to have a difference of opinion. Based on what I wrote, who was the one picking a fight?
    I'm sure some of it is his personality and some of it is probably testosterone too, but man does he sound like my father and it makes me wonder if it's not from the military training. One of my dad's biggest issues, especially when stressed, was "you don't make a mistake" ever. You cannot be wrong. It's like they're conditioned to believe in themselves to the point where it's extremely difficult to consider they actually might be wrong about something. Or they might not have all the answers. That goes against everything the military trains them for...to be prepared in all situations, always. It can easily equate with needing to be 'right' all the time.

    One of my own tipping points for moving out when I was 16 was I was absolutely not allowed to have an opinion, and it was due to conversations much like the one you described. Sure, it was a different relationship because I was the daughter, but everyone is entitled to an opinion, right? Not in my house I wasn't. At 16 I couldn't stand it because like most teens, I thought I knew it all.

    I could be way off base, but just the way you described things made me think of my dad. He's not always like that but like I said, when he's really stressed it's worse. When he was younger it was worse too.

    If it is from that, I hope your dh gets help because it is a tremendous strain on a relationship.
    Last edited by missychrissy; 07-25-2011 at 06:27 PM.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  11. #21941
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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    I could be way off base, but just the way you described things made me think of my dad. He's not always like that but like I said, when he's really stressed it's worse. When he was younger it was worse too.

    If it is from that, I hope your dh gets help because it is a tremendous strain on a relationship.
    I think in a lot of ways you're right. I know DH told me once he was specifically trained to ALWAYS escalate an argument so his opponent would back off and not challenge him. Actually considering what I wrote, that he did specifically walk away from a fight (without admitting he was wrong, granted, but he did not escalate) actually lets me know how hard he is personally working to get past that with us. He genuinely does try. And okay, we've only had 2-3 of these arguments in the last several months.

    However, this is a sore issue with me because my whole life I watched my dad (who is absolutely brilliant, a physics professor) make dismissive comments on my mother's thoughts and opinions. My mother quite likely doesn't have the IQ my dad has, but she still has a master's degree in special education and boy, she knows her stuff when it comes to her area of knowledge, too. I learned as much from her as I did in school, for certain. I have always had issues with the way my dad disrespects my mother and I always swore I wouldn't put up with it. I know DH respects my intelligence way more than my dad respects my mom's (he tells me straight out how much he respects me), but when he feels threatened I think he goes back into that military mindset and he just can't help it. Drives me insane.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  12. #21942
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    I'm sure he's just reacting based on that conditioning and doesn't even realize it. AND I'm sure that if you brought it up at that point he'd react like a pregnant woman who was just told she was being hormonal.

    Is he in counseling? I can see how that could trigger things with you. Maybe couples counseling could help you both...help him see what he's doing and help you figure out how to separate your dad's disrespect from what your husband is doing. I'm sure your dh isn't doing it in any way to belittle or demean you. Just as now looking back I know my dad didn't mean to make me feel stupid or insignificant...my dad didn't have help available to him. Heck, I never even heard of ptsd or any of that till the very early 90's. I know they've learned a lot and try to help with relationships more than they ever did.

    My heart always goes out to those that return home...well, those that don't as well...but it's never really over for them even after discharge. People are fully changed after serving time. I think it's manageable and they can absolutely have wonderful lives and relationships, but I think it takes time and effort. And just knowing.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  13. #21943
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    Thanks, Chrissy. I'm really just venting. I do intellectually know why he's doing it and really he's been totally normal and fine since that little spat this afternoon. It's not hanging over him. I just needed to vent.

    I actually have to say I'm proud of him for how well he's doing since he's been home. We have had a few rocky moments but 98% of the time he's been really mature about everything.

    If any of us is struggling, I think it's me. I was doing some research about infertility the other night and was looking at the cycle of depression as associated with infertility and it really struck me how much of all that applies to me. I knew it on some level, but I didn't know it consciously. I have been considering talking to someone about that ... I'm going to see what happens in this RE appointment because according to their website they have a mind/body/spirit group or something and do a lot to work on the psychological aspect of infertility. Sounds expensive, but if my insurance covers counseling I might be able to make it happen. Or at least get a referral to someone my insurance would cover.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    Oh, Myles, wanted to share this article with you. The author acquaintance I'm friends with on facebook linked to it. It's about why an adult would read and write fantasy and it made me think of the chick lit conversation. Yes, fantasy is totally different from chick lit but I think they're both equally looked down upon by "mainstream" literature and it seemed kind of relevant.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  15. #21945
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    I can understand needing to vent. Even when you know something is the root of the issue at hand it doesn't make it any less frustrating.

    I just checked my bank accounts...I went wrong somewhere and made a huge mess of things. And today I was already having that heavy, depressed/anxious feeling all afternoon. Going to a dr or counselor is not an option. I don't have time and I don't have the money. I just want all this stress to be over.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  16. #21946
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    Oh, no!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  17. #21947
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    I just typed a massive post and Cash came and pushed a button and deleted it all, that little cheeky devil! Any how, I'll paraphrase what I typed before!

    Erin, congrats on the job; I got caught up on the tangent about not being stuck in dead-end job and skipped over the great news about your promotion, sorry!

    Katy, the Chile pics are gorgeous; do the people there speak English much or did you and DH speak Spanish? About being asked about the baby bump, that happened to me once and I flipped out on the person. I carry all my weight on my tummy, too, so it is very frustrating!

    Jennifer, sorry to hear about your DH's Grandma. (Hugs).

    Chrissy, I'm sorry life is being hard on you right now. I wish there was something I could say to make things better for you.

    Mandy, you sound like a really patient, loving wife to your husband with dealing with his argumentativeness. I hope he appreciates you!

    Myles, you could write a novel with your relationship stories. I feel like such a fuddy dud compared to you ladies and your past relationship stories. I was not a wild teenager at all. I focused on school so that I could get out of the poverty that I grew up in....and then met my DH and that was that. lol.

    Oh, and sorry, Myles, but I just couldn't shout at Slash last night. I had every intention to do so, but when he came on the stage with his skinny black jeggings and white yoga top with that guitar, I just was mesmerized. He has amazingly toned arms! (Actually, all the guitarists had really sexy arms) And he was nearly doing the splits during some solos...*swoon.* The whole band was awesome; they did a collection of Velvet Revolver songs, Guns n Roses songs and Slash solo stuff. I was so jealous of all the guys in the band because they all had silky straight hair (except for Slash with the fro) that was just so ultra shiny. I really would like to know what they use in their hair. I had a great time at the concert; it was good to get my rock on! DH is a guitarist and Slash is his hero (and GnR was his favorite band growing up), so he was ecstatic. We've seen Axl Rose and the new GnR, but Slash blew them away. Any ways, I'll stop rambling about the rock now! TTYL, ladies!

  18. #21948

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    Sounds awesome Ash!

  19. #21949
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    Oh, I just have to add about the concert; I felt like an outcast for being the only person not wearing black! lol. There I was in my bright purple t-shirt and blue ballerina pumps surrounded by a sea of black t-shirts! But it was good. Oh, and another funny thing. The opening band was some young teenaged type kids that just shrieked like Courtney Love and they did a lot of choreographed head banging; at one point, I looked over and the keyboardist wasn't playing at all-he was just thrashing his long hair around. I thought he might be singer's brother who couldn't do anything else beside play a few notes and look good on stage. LOL.

  20. #21950
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    I am so jealous Ash!! It sounds amazing!!!

    I know no one can fix anything for me, but I'll say it again...just having this safe haven to vent to is therapeutic enough for me. I talked with Bobbie this morning as she's been experiencing anxiety as well and I told her next month if it's not any better we're both going to get something. In the meantime we're going to try some herbal/home remedy things. Not pot though.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  21. #21951

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    Too funny Ash!
    I remember when I went to a nkotb concert a couple years ago when they first reunited. I figured, we're all in our 30's now, who's going to dress up? Wrong! I showed up with my friend in some unflattering thing and she was in a shapeless shirt and top and we saw girls in skimpy dresses and heels. She said to me, "Well, we're not going to get called backstage looking like this" LOL!

  22. #21952
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    blah.
    Last edited by missychrissy; 07-26-2011 at 12:12 PM.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  23. #21953

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    I hope maybe he got the message a little, Chrissy!

  24. #21954

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    Josh had his first class of the new session today. It went okay. His new teacher is good and there is one kid who was in the class last session so there's a little familiarity.

    Josh was doing great and then the teacher was taking each kid away from the mom for a minute to see how they would do without the parents. Josh did great until some water went up his nose and then he was pretty much done after that. I tried to get him to stay for the whole class and he was getting pretty upset towards the end but I managed to get him back in the water, at least.

  25. #21955

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    Oh, chrissy, I'm sorry to hear things are not going your way. You've gotten through tough times before, and this part is going to pass too. I know you know that. mama. Did you see the "Anti-Stress" diet article I posted on FB the other day? M'be Bobbie can try that, along with St. John's Wort, and chamomile tea and lots of rest. We all need to baby ourselves now and then.

    Mandy, thanks so much for the article. I'm going to totally share it with one of my DD room mommy friends. I've always wanted to lure her into here because she's got a real non-standard sense of spirituality, much like UU type of thinking, and anyway she joined a fantasy writing club, so she's gonna be so stoked to read it. You're right, I do think it applies to chick lit as well. Have you ever read Marian Keyes? I adore her.

    Kate, Josh sounds like he's learning how to swim even if he doesn't want to. LOL. It's awesome that you just keep going back.

    AmeriAsh, that's hilarious. And no, I won't hold it against you for not yelling at him about subjecting me to his hair blockade a few years back. Tee hee. There is something about rockers once they get onstage, isn't there. Even just this indie band I went to go see a couple months ago ... I got to meet them backstage before the show because the label owners are my friends (actually, the ones who lost their baby girl last week ) and the lead singer was this gangly, pimply guy in a track suit with a shaggy mop of curly hair. He was totally nice, but I thought "dork" as I was talking to him about the TV show Lost. But then, as soon as he got onstage, he just turned into this deep-voiced sex god. Mmmmm. Yes, please.

    On another note, Bodhi's picture was taken by a pro photog at a pony party a couple weekends ago. I don't like it enough to buy the full sized pic, but here it is, screen-grabbed from the site (attached).

    Happy Tuesday, girls.
    Attached Images Attached Images

  26. #21956

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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    I have a ... story to share but please don't quote me. I'm going to delete it later.
    ...
    If he hasn't gotten it by now, he probably won't. He seems like that old dog that can't learn any new tricks.

  27. #21957

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    Cute picture Myles!
    He's really funny about the swimming and water in general. A month ago he hated getting water on his face, now he thinks it's funny to spray himself full on in the face with the hose. He was all gung ho about the lesson until he got a little water in his nose and then it was all over.

  28. #21958
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    Ashley, I'm so jealous about the concert! I agree with you about his arms...I have a thing for biceps. And yes, some guys can just totally transform on stage.

    Chrissy, I hope you and Bobbie can find some peace soon.

    Kate, it does sound like Josh is learning. Keep at it.

    Myles, I haven't read Marian Keyes. Which I know I should have. I'll definitely give her a try. I used to really love Jane Green but I haven't read her last few books. She seems to have gone in a different direction. Her early stuff is great, though.

    Our power keeps going on and off repeatedly and it's driving me insane. We sometimes have power issues in the summer storm season but this is crazy.
    Last edited by Gwenn; 07-26-2011 at 12:27 PM.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Oh, chrissy, I'm sorry to hear things are not going your way. You've gotten through tough times before, and this part is going to pass too. I know you know that. mama. Did you see the "Anti-Stress" diet article I posted on FB the other day? M'be Bobbie can try that, along with St. John's Wort, and chamomile tea and lots of rest. We all need to baby ourselves now and then.
    I missed that diet thing. I'll have to check it out. Thanks

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  30. #21960
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    Popping in here for a moment. I would def. recommend Marian Keyes if you like British/Irish chick lit.

    Having a hectic day, so see you later!


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