Secular Confessions

[demigraf]

Let me just tell you how my afternoon went, as it's a perfect example of the lack of support I get from the new boss. Today was going to be my first big meeting with <that big online auction site>. I did what I usually do when I know I'm going to be nervous, which is to script my opening remarks, and a few key points, so if I ever get tongue-tied I can look at my script and read from it a little until I get on track. I double check with the boss that he wants me to chair the meeting, because I don't want to talk out of turn, even though he told me to call the meeting and gave my name as the project manager. He says 'sure, sure, what time is it again? ok. I'll try to call in for it'. He says, 'you pretty much know what we want, you can handle it'.

So we were all going to call in from our desks. I had my script up on the screen. It's meeting time, and I try to call in. I keep getting this "not in service" message. So I run over to the boss who's on another call. I tell him the number isn't working. The Director of Search Marketing runs out of her office with her headset on. 'Is there something wrong with the number?' I tell her I am getting errors and she says, "Well I dialed in fine. I'm on the call now. Come into my office and we'll take the call from there." (There being where my meeting notes ... were not.)

So I go into the office with her and realize I have to wing it. We're on the call and no one else is on it. The auction site sends us a message that they can't get onto the call. My boss finally looks at the conference number he sent me and realizes it's the wrong one with 2 numbers transposed. He tries to read us the correct number but starts fumbling them. The director gets exasperated and says "just come into my office and we'll have the auction site call us at my desk".

So the point is, my boss wouldn't have even been on the call if he hadn't botched the conference # he gave me and the director insisted he join us. He comes in, and as I'm leading the call, he butts in with all this specific information about project dates - really critical info that I wouldn't have had (the auction guys spent most of the time on the call trying to convince us to move up our dates) that I know had just been decided today, but he really should have shared with me prior to the meeting.

So there again, is an example of how he told me to take charge of this meeting, and didn't give me the information I needed to to get the job done. Heck he didn't even give me the right number to tell the other company to call.

I think in a way, it's better to have a boss that's inattentive. He seems way more into slacking off than me, which means he hasn't been a stickler. He's also nice and has a sense of humor, but I think I'm going to have to work a little harder to validate my "intel" that I get from him because I could end up looking bad due to his mistakes.

More later....

[demigraf]

And Bridget, I don't know what you've got going on, but I know you'll make the best choice. And remember, when the path to go down doesn't seem obvious to you, sometimes where you are is the best possible place for you to be at the moment.

Mandy, I confess, I don't know half of the terminology you used in your posts. (Don't know what an RE is or MTHRFR, but it sounds very complex and ... dispiriting to have to deal with things like that when you want to bring a life into this world.) So I can just offer you the best wishes and let you know I'm still hoping for the best possible outcome for you. Who knows. Whenever we are ready to try for #2, I may find there are complications too at my age.

That chicken sounds delicious. I'm going to have stalk whatever thread you guys are talking about.

Chrissy, hanging in there?

Erin, that story about Ky and his big puppy dog eyes was heartbreaking, but still encouraging. Ky's an awesome kid, and that much more awesome because you stepped up to feed and shelter him as a wee one.

[Cosmosmom]

Mandy, what tests have you had done yet? DH has never had the sperm analysis right? Have you had FSH and TSH tested? You have charted and notice definite ovulation?

I think that your insurance sounds like mine in that they will do the tests but nothing for treatment. But not all the treatment is expensive. Clomid was only $9 a month at walmart and the months I did HCG trigger shots, that wasn't too expensive either. You may want to check and see what an IUI cycle would cost....we really did consider doing that (I would have sucked it up and did an HSG before doing that though).
I did not see an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) myself but did see the nurse practitioner and two doctors in the infertility clinic....so this was their specialty.

I don't know...it could be that the clotting factor just affects you more than the relatives. But it could just as easily be DH. And there might be options if it is him. The only way to know is to try to get tests and see if they find something specific or not. I gave up pretty easily myself BUT I got upset at the suggestion of losing weight after I had a the surgery to lose weight...mostly because I wanted to have a baby. Good suggestion to lose weight but usually being fat hinders conception because one isn't ovulating...and I was. So I gave up and said screw it and instead gained weight. Super smart move on my part so now I'm working to lose that again. Had I been a normal weight, I don't know, I might have tried more tests and tried some IUI's or IVF (which I know are statistically less likely to work in overweight people so I kind of figured why bother and save the money).

[Gwenn]

I have had absolutely no testing done at this point. I was hoping the gyn would at least take a look at some of the more common stuff but she just felt I should go straight to the RE so didn't even get anything started. I know about the MTHFR because of the genetic testing my parents had after my cousin died. They saw a geneticist and they both had two copies of the affected gene. My sister had the testing done as well and she also has two copies of the affected gene. I'm not religious about charting but every month I've charted I've detected a clear temp rise indicating O, never a question about it. I've also gotten positive OPKs. DH has not had the SA but says he'll do it.

Thanks for the comments about some of the less expensive treatments through fertility. I can manage the small stuff, but I don't know about IUI.

I am actually really hoping it is DH. It would be easier ... but I just think my body has had more than one early loss so if anything, it's both of us.

Myles, sorry for losing you with all the acronyms. The MTHFR I keep referring to is a genetic condition that leads to blood clotting issues and is known to cause difficulty with implantation. My cousin died from a pulmonary embolism (blood clot) 2 months after starting the birth control pill at age 24. Perfectly healthy girl, ran 3 miles 3 times a week and absolutely beautiful. Turned out she had two different clotting factors and when combined with the hormones from the pill it was lethal.

[daylilies]

Myles, it's a thread called "anyone familiar with Zaxby's?" DH requested a home made version of fried chicken from a place we used to go to in Tennessee. There are none here up north. Erin told me how to make a buttermilk batter and it turned out really good.

[Cosmosmom]

Mandy, I would definitely get some testing done. I don't know if many ob/gyns are that knowledgeable about infertility. It's a pretty specialized area. I mean the basics sure but I'm guessing that she saw the history with the clotting and wanted to send you onward. Plus if you mentioned that you had done some charting and opk's, she might have figured that you already knew the basics about timing and such.
I would say check the insurance and see if any local RE's are covered. If not, there might be some ob/gyn's who have a focus on IF like where I went. At least the tests should be covered under the insurance.

I was glad that it wasn't DH but he's kind of sensitive (and that is an understatement) and I think that it would have really bothered him to be the reason I wasn't getting what I wanted so badly (he wants a kid but not the same way I always have). Plus I knew that DH would not agree to a donor. My sister had offered to have a baby for us too. But DH feels strongly that either the baby be both ours biologically or neither eithers biologically.

Once you know what the problem is (unless you get the fun unexplained label....this is where we sit unless I do have blocked tubes), from there you can decide what you are willing to do and what you can afford. I was surprised at how much things can vary. I think that for us, an IUI cycle would have been like 1200....but some others I have heard have gotten them much cheaper. If it is just something like needing an aspirin (so hoping that this is it for you....I have heard and read some good things about a baby aspirin doing the trick in some cases!) or thyroid pill....well that is super cheap.
We talked and made a list and it came out that the increase chance of conception in our case with an IUI was not worth the cost and we were better off putting that money towards adoption. And with adoption already in our family and the biological pull (while still there) wasn't that huge for either of us....and it became easier to see which path was right for us.

[Cosmosmom]

Never heard of Zaxby's myself.

[demigraf]

My cousin died from a pulmonary embolism (blood clot) 2 months after starting the birth control pill at age 24. Perfectly healthy girl, ran 3 miles 3 times a week and absolutely beautiful. Turned out she had two different clotting factors and when combined with the hormones from the pill it was lethal.

Oh my gosh, how tragic. I'm sorry to hear that.

[Gwenn]

That makes a lot of sense, Jennifer. My mind was going straight to the worst case scenario but you're right, sometimes it isn't that complicated.

Here is what I am trying to figure out now. My insurance right now, although it doesn't cover IF treatment, is actually pretty good. The RE my gyn recommended is covered through my insurance for diagnostics, so I can see the doctor I want to see. Currently my work will fully insure me through their HMO plan at no charge to me (have to pay extra for a family plan). I pay extra for the PPO plan so roughly $60/paycheck and I don't need a referral for a specialist. That was important to me with what happened with my cousin. I currently have access to the blue cross doctor network so the doctors are great (although it's not Blue Cross insurance and when we've used other networks I've had to choose a doctor I didn't like as well because the good doctors weren't covered). My insurance charges a co-pay, this time it was $30 to see the doctor and usually $10 for a prescription.

Unfortunately, I can't afford to insure DH. Me plus spouse would be I think $200 per paycheck so DH made the choice to use the VA for medical care which is available to him as a veteran. Currently he is insured through Tricare, which is the military insurance system. While he was active duty, he (and I) were covered by tricare and they pay 80% of covered expenses. That lasts for 180 days from the time he was active duty, so that would be October in our case. Tricare does cover some IF costs but does not cover IVF. It does cover IUI (at 80%).

As long as DH is not active duty, he can put his family on Tricare for a monthly fee. I had him look it up and it is $200/month for the family plan and then as I said 80% of expenses are covered. I'm wondering if it is worth switching over to Tricare - if we did both my premiums and my out of pocket costs for all medical care (not just IF) would be a lot more but should I need IUI it would be covered. I really don't know which way to go with that.

[Gwenn]

Oh my gosh, how tragic. I'm sorry to hear that.

Thanks. It was 9 years ago and I'm still dealing with it mentally. She and I were very close as children. She went on a double date with me on my first date.

[Cosmosmom]

Mandy, how long would have to decide to go on DH's plan? $200 a month for a family plan is pretty cheap and it would be nice to have the IUI as an option. But you might not need that and maybe it's not even that expensive by you (really the bigger cost of IUI would be the ultrasounds and meds for you....usually it seems that they will put the woman on clomid or injectables to best monitor the cycle and get more than one follicle). If you had to buy donor sperm, that would an additional cost.

But your costs at your current plan I think would probably be cheaper in the long run than say paying for the IUI out of pocket.

Can you get into the RE asap and get started on testing to see what you might need while under your plan? You have until October to decide right?

[Gwenn]

Well, open enrollment for my insurance plan at work ends August 31 so I'm using that as my deadline. I don't want to push it further and run into hassles because if my HR can mess something up, they will.

I looked at the website of the RE my doctor recommended and he has some information on pricing. Here are his pages for IUI and IVF.

I kind of think staying with my current plan might be cheaper, but I'm not sure.

[Cosmosmom]

So it looks like an IUI might be 575 or less....that isn't too bad at all. So if you did end up pg, I would rather pay that than pay 20% of a hospital delivery (depending on if there is a cap for out of pocket). Plus you are already familiar with the plan you have and like the doctors you have access to.....and IUI might not be needed anyway. Though maybe they would recommend one just to give things a boost.

[Gwenn]

Thanks, this has been really helpful. You're right, if I actually GET pregnant with the IUI I'd have to worry about paying for the delivery, too! I never even considered that part! I really have gotten mentally to the point where I don't actually expect pregnancy as the outcome, sad as that is. I would just be shocked even if we did do interventions.

[Cosmosmom]

You're welcome! I know we have been there playing with numbers and different outcomes in our heads and really a big factor sadly ends up coming down to money. I just never had to factor in different insurances....since 2003 I have worked for two major medical systems and I supply our insurance....and basically we can see providers within our system for in network. You would think that they would cut a deal for the IF...I mean we are self-funded for insurance and we have an IF clinic (they don't do IVF but they do IUI). Instead I had to pay upfront $400 before the IF clinic would even see me. And I do most of their literature searches.

For a while I didn't think we would ever have a baby either.....and when I decided on the house it was supposed to be house, dogs, and if it happened it happened. Well my bad but I changed my mind which didn't sit well with DH until the major breakdown I had new years eve. I was crying and carrying on, he was crying because he can't stand seeing me hurting and upset....it was a mess. But about a month after that he was on board with adoption and I even got us moved up to the March classes and not the August classes. It wasn't the adoption itself he wasn't on board with....it's always all about the benjamins with him.

[Gwenn]

I'm glad you came to a resolution about that. I think the hardest thing about DH being deployed for me was not the separation but the fact that I was getting older and he was gone and I couldn't even TRY to get pregnant. Mentally that was really tough. And then people would ask me about the deployment and then they'd always ask if I had kids and when I said I didn't, they said I should be glad. Seriously, I got that over and over again. Yes, I get it, deployment is hard with kids - but is it hard than knowing your husband is gone and may never come back and you might never even have the chance to have a child?

That said, I'm not ruling out adoption - but with him deployed I wouldn't be able to go through the adoption process either because he wouldn't be available for home studies and all that other stuff. And I really wouldn't want to adopt without him there to bond with the child.

Just looked through my insurance paperwork and did a search for "pregnancy" to see if anything was excluded. Saw that they specifically mention that "voluntary termination of pregnancy" is covered. So they will pay for me to get an abortion but won't pay for clomid for me to get pregnant ... kind of hard to swallow. I know all the arguments for insurance to cover abortion, but seriously it's like a slap in the face and like my employer/insurance company are telling me they will go to any length they legally can to see I never have children. Way to make your employees feel valued.

[Gwenn]

Well, I called and scheduled my appointment with the RE. I'm a little worried because the scheduler I spoke with seemed surprised that I said my employer covered it ... she understood that they did not but I told her I had looked over my policy and it said it did. I'm worried, although I know for a fact they did not cover it a couple of years ago so maybe she just hasn't had a patient since the insurance provider changed last fall. I also asked her if I could use Tricare as a backup and she said two things, first that her office did not accept Tricare, and second that if I did decide to go through Tricare there are only 3 facilities in the country that will do fertility treatments (one in San Diego, one in San Antonio, and one in DC) so I'd have to leave the state to have it done. So it sounds like Tricare is out. I'll keep you posted on the rest.

[missychrissy]

I'm sorry AF reared her ugly head Mandy, and that you're going through all this with not knowing. I really hope your appointment with the RE goes well for you. I'm glad you're pursuing all your options.

Myles for your sad experience with Bodhi wanting you to be home and your dh's reaction to that. AND for your boss. My goodness, to be so disorganized!! It makes you wonder how he's made it so far up the chain.

My house is a wreck. It's too small. Most of us are miserable most the time. Conner was broken hearted and wanted his other house till nearly 2 am last night.

Oh, and our mortgage company returned my July payment to my credit union. It was stamped received 7/11 (payments due the 16th) and the enclosed letter that my bank forwarded to me said that the loan number was invalid. I checked, I had the correct loan number on it. I had to drive 40 minutes away to my bank to release the funds back into my account, then attempted to western union the $ to my bank, but that system also kept saying "invalid loan number" I've called my mortgage company 4 times today over this and the last time I was at Western Union talking to my mortgage company while they tried to send the payment through. It was going to work...but my debit card has a daily limit on it that is less than the amount I needed to wire and using that card as credit wasn't an option. I'm not sure what is going to happen now because as far as my mortgage company is concerned, we've missed our deadline and the house can go back into foreclosure now. I have to call tomorrow and speak with a supervisor and get this crap straightened out.

Needless to say, I spent the entire afternoon dealing with that so I didn't get much unpacking or organizing done. Oh, and going from 2100 to 1100 square feet isn't easy. Just sayin.

[missychrissy]

why does it dp??

We got our cable connected and have real high speed internet. Man, it's like all our computers are on steroids now!

[Gwenn]

What a nightmare with that payment! I would think you have evidence and can prove you attempted to pay should they to say you missed a payment. Sounds like it is their issue. Good luck. And how did you manage without high speed I Internet? I don't think I could!

[3andMe]

Mandy, I have been checking in but haven't been able to comment, and think that all the advice you have gotten from Jennifer sounds really good. I hope you get an appointment soon!

Chrissy, what a horrible day! I don't think they should be able to foreclose on you no matter what, though. For one thing, you've been attempting to make the payment and you have been communicating with them. For another, from everything I've been hearing lately, people have been living in houses without making payments for years nowadays because banks are choosing not to foreclose immediately or even somewhat soon because of a number of different issues. I doubt a bank would jump on foreclosing a property within a day.

I actually received a late payment notice for a student loan payment of dh's (months too late) because the student loan company started applying our payments to someone else's account accidentally. It took almost a year to clear it up, because by that time they'd sold the other person's account to a different company. We had to request a temporary deferment, but there were no options for "loan company screw-up" as a reason for it. They had to request the funds back from the company they'd sold the account to, and re-apply them to dh's account, and in the meantime we weren't making our payments and I was worried that we were accumulating late fees and more interest and having our credit negatively impacted, since throughout this they sent us threatening letters every few months. Every time, I called them and told them what was going on, and they said it was being processed at a higher level and the letters were just automatic, but man it was stressful.

[Gwenn]

Thanks, Lydia. I was hoping you'd chime in. My appt is August 23, so I'll keep you all posted.

[missychrissy]

I know normally they wouldn't start foreclosure in a day, but we're in a payment agreement where we're paying nearly 4X our monthly mortgage payment to catch it up. It was in foreclosure and this agreement states that we cannot miss one payment or it will go back into foreclosure. I'm afraid it'll be one of those automatic things and it'll be a huge fight to get it back out again. I really do not need this stress right now at all.

[Gwenn]

Yes, but you can document your attempt to pay. If you're worried, perhaps you should contact them first thing on Monday with your concerns and ask if you can head that off before it happens.

[AmeriBrit]

Ugh. I've had such a crap Saturday today. I hope tomorrow is a better day. We're taking Travis to see Cars 2 and then on Monday, we're off to see Slash, so this week's got to get better, right?

[daylilies]

Ugh. I've had such a crap Saturday today. I hope tomorrow is a better day. We're taking Travis to see Cars 2 and then on Monday, we're off to see Slash, so this week's got to get better, right?

Hope you have a good time!

It's been so hot here we've been a little bored, plus I haven't been feeling well since yesterday, so yesterday was pretty boring for Josh. But DH is home today so we did a couple things and they are over at my inlaws now.

I'm going to the doctor Monday either way...there are some issues I want to get straightened out.

[Gwenn]

Kate, hope you feel better soon.

Ashley, yay for Slash!

[daylilies]

Thanks!

[Gwenn]

I'm feeling awful right now. I have some horrible stomach bug that I thought was just an allergy, but now I think I'm actually ill. Not fun at all.

[daylilies]

Oh no I hope you feel better soon too