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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #20701
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    Chrissy, wanted to state that I checked the Social Groups tab on the left and saw there was a Secular Group. Clicked on it, 3 members (none of them me) and I could read all the (few) posts but was not able to respond. So, not in any way private. Just so you know and don't post something you'd regret!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  2. #20702

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    Quote Originally Posted by katycat24 View Post
    I am trying to choose positivity at the moment. My dh, without checking with me first, invited my mil and fil down for the weekend which is MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND. So on my actual birthday guess what I get to do? I get to clean the house and sweep and mop and make up the guest bed just in case and clean all the bathrooms and sort and tidy all JoJo's things. I am annoyed. But I will simply have to deal with it because it is already done. But seriously, ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! I really don't like spending time with these people because all they do is drink and watch sports and it will be ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!

    But really I am most worried because he already gave them permission to keep JoJo overnight at their hotel. The last time they were in town and tried this they got so drunk that my MIL had trouble walking and I had to say that JoJo was too tired. I asked my dh to ask them not to drink and he is just such an enabler to them. He said "Oh, my mom isn't drinking that much anymore because of her diet." I said, "She was drinking last time!" He said "Oh, that was my fault." He wasn't forcing her to do beer bongs or anything - she was the one who chose to drink 4 whiskeys on the rocks followed up with 3 glasses of wine at dinner.

    I don't know how to handle this. We already have a dinner party at a restaurant and karaoke afterwards scheduled so I can't really say that we will just stay in so that I can keep an eye on how much they are drinking before they take JoJo to their hotel. I don't know what to do.
    What a crap situation! Ugh. I don't envy you at all. I too would have to put my foot down on the drinking and risk pissing off the inlaws. I'm so sorry your dh did this!

  3. #20703

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    Ugh, Horrible headache again. Calling my dr today.

  4. #20704

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    Sorry about the headache Bridget! I hope the dr. can help you!
    That stinks about your birthday Katy!
    No Bridget we are not fb friends! While Josh is at school I'll go add you and Lydia (if that's okay) and anyone else I don't have...

  5. #20705

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    Why do I always attract the crazies...
    All the people who went on the cruise each got 2 free tix to their opening show in Chicago, I couldn't go so I was trying to give them away on twitter and this girl messaged me. Turned out she didn't want them after all but she said I was so nice about it and asked if we could be friends on twitter. So I said sure....and she's a bit of a nutcase. LOL She's talking about us meeting up IRL (she lives in Canada) and wants to call me on the phone and everything. I'm trying to politely decline but man she's persistent.

  6. #20706
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    Ok so I have added AnnieEek, Mandy and Sarah to the FB thing. I'm glad that we have that now.....really for a while I have felt that this isn't the place for me....except for this room and the adoption room....and both those rooms go against the mission of apa.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  7. #20707
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Hi. So this is what happens if I take a little break from APA ... they change everything around! I need to look and see what big changes they made. Chrissy, would you be willing to add me to the secular group on FB?

    I'm a little uncomfortable with this thread being public. There's a lot I've said in here I wouldn't have said if the board at the time hadn't been visible through a google search. I hope this situation changes.

    Kate, yuck about your birthday. That's terrible.

    Lydia, I owe you a return PM. I meant to send it earlier but I've been feeling super un-motivated (read: lazy) recently. I'll send it.
    Of course I'd add you! But I see someone else did. I take comfort in knowing this thread is 660+ pages long. Not too likely someone is going to scroll through all that. The only stuff I didn't want known was about my boss and since I think he's been spying on me he probably knows anyway. Oh well-he deserves to know what I think. I think even less about snoopers.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Chrissy, wanted to state that I checked the Social Groups tab on the left and saw there was a Secular Group. Clicked on it, 3 members (none of them me) and I could read all the (few) posts but was not able to respond. So, not in any way private. Just so you know and don't post something you'd regret!
    Good to know. I'm going to change it from invite only. Seems kinda thumb-my-nose-at-you to have it set to invite only but everyone can still read it. I think the only way we'd use it is if this 'room' were taken from us, but even then we now have the Facebook group.

    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Why do I always attract the crazies...
    All the people who went on the cruise each got 2 free tix to their opening show in Chicago, I couldn't go so I was trying to give them away on twitter and this girl messaged me. Turned out she didn't want them after all but she said I was so nice about it and asked if we could be friends on twitter. So I said sure....and she's a bit of a nutcase. LOL She's talking about us meeting up IRL (she lives in Canada) and wants to call me on the phone and everything. I'm trying to politely decline but man she's persistent.
    omg Kate!!!

    So-when we meetin up?

    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    Ok so I have added AnnieEek, Mandy and Sarah to the FB thing. I'm glad that we have that now.....really for a while I have felt that this isn't the place for me....except for this room and the adoption room....and both those rooms go against the mission of apa.
    You belong here Jennifer.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  8. #20708
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    I'm a bit miffed at Sydney. She told me 3 days ago that she's had a 'severe' sore throat for 2 weeks. She never said anything about it and totally acted fine, but as soon as she did say something, of course she couldn't talk loud and would have a dry cough. I don't doubt she has a little sore throat-I have a mild one myself. It'll go away. That's what I told her.

    omg-you'd think I was seriously gunning for worse mother of the year. She's begged and whined and threw such a fit that I finally did break down and schedule her an appointment. There's nothing wrong. It's viral. It will go away.

    So I've wasted precious sick time, $19 co-pay, a parking pass at work (they're $5 each) just because she either wanted attention or wanted to avoid school.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  9. #20709

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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post

    omg Kate!!!

    So-when we meetin up?


    You belong here Jennifer.

    LOL! I like to think my heathen friends are "wrong in all the right ways" ;)
    And yes, you belong here Jennifer.

  10. #20710

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    Oh, and this is a total shot in the dark, but do you think with the attention Jesi and Bobbie have been getting lately, Sydney feels like she needs to raise some drama for herself?

  11. #20711
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    LOL! I like to think my heathen friends are "wrong in all the right ways" ;)
    We are

    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Oh, and this is a total shot in the dark, but do you think with the attention Jesi and Bobbie have been getting lately, Sydney feels like she needs to raise some drama for herself?
    And yes, I do think that's exactly what it is. I didn't handle it very well either. I kinda yelled at her.

    We have so much to do and we're seriously at the end of our money now that I don't know what I can do that will be both positive and fun. I keep telling all the girls that I know this is going to be a hard summer. It's going to be pretty much all work and no play. It sucks for me & Rich too but we have a lot we need to get done on that house before we move in, and then again before winter.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  12. #20712

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    That does stink. I hope they can find things to occupy themselves. Cheap and fun is hard to find especially with older kids.

  13. #20713
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    Owego has concerts in the park on Wednesdays. It's a free-will donation, so we could drive in with 2-3 bucks and they'd smile and wave (we used to do that when we were very poor). We'll do that.

    This weekend is the Strawberry Festival. It's the one big deal in town. They'll have fireworks Friday night to start things off. We'll go see them. I'm not sure about letting the girls hang there on Saturday-I always used to, but I'd give them each $10 to buy drinks and what-not because it's generally very hot. I really don't have the extra $ right now. It sounds insane--I have to keep reminding myself there are valid reasons we're so broke!

    Poor Bobbie. Her last summer home as a 'kid' and it's going to be as bad as it was when she was very little. These things bother me...she won't complain though. Of all my kids, she's the first one willing to go without and doesn't ever bring up what she didn't have. It makes me want to do more for her!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  14. #20714
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    Well at least you know that it's just a viral thing now and not something more serious like strep.


    I confess....umm I went to Joann's after work last night and bought another cartridge for the cricut....and I bought about $20 worth of sticker/embellishment things. I went in there for sticker tape.
    Bridget, you might want to check out the xyron sticker maker (cheapest place is probably walmart but it's on amazon and they sell it at Joann's too...I think that it was like $8 at walmart). You stick in a piece of paper...mine is only 1.5 inches but you can buy bigger sizes and I might get the 2.5 inch in the future. Pull on the tape and it turns it into a sticker (puts sticker adhesive on the back but doesn't make the front shiny). I have been using it to do little letters and such that gluing would have been a nightmare. My sister ended up using it and thought it was super cool and said that our mom needs one....mom and sister often help the cousin with her school projects and mom is co-leader of her girl scout troop.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  15. #20715
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    Well at least you know that it's just a viral thing now and not something more serious like strep.
    True, although I didn't really think it was strep because her throat didn't look bad to me. However, I have had one of the kids test positive for strep without showing any visible signs, so I guess it was possible.

    I'm just one of those people that likes to wait before going to the dr. Most everything will run its course eventually. I need to go this year for my Mirena, but I haven't been to the dr since my 6 week PP appointment after Conner. Rich hasn't gone since he had carbon monoxide poisoning in 2003. We're just not the type to go to the dr's.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  16. #20716
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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    True, although I didn't really think it was strep because her throat didn't look bad to me. However, I have had one of the kids test positive for strep without showing any visible signs, so I guess it was possible.

    I'm just one of those people that likes to wait before going to the dr. Most everything will run its course eventually. I need to go this year for my Mirena, but I haven't been to the dr since my 6 week PP appointment after Conner. Rich hasn't gone since he had carbon monoxide poisoning in 2003. We're just not the type to go to the dr's.

    I don't like going either but I do. Mostly now because I take thyroid meds and I have to have a blood test yearly for that and as long as they are in there, I get a cbc and cholesterol. I can usually get DH in for a checkup every 2-3 years. We had to go through a pretty extensive one for the adoption paperwork. I try to not go but end up a few times a year most years.


    I wouldn't go in for a sore throat myself but would take a kid in. When I was 9-10, I ended up with strep every two months for over a year. Tonsils came out and haven't had strep since. It was during that time they found out I am allergic to penicillin.

    I was chatting with my bff...they never go in either and she's not even sure when her DH last had bloodwork done....she has only done it when pg. I don't get that, how would you know if an issue started creeping up like high blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, anemia....I mean so many smaller things if caught early are so easily treated but if not treated can become huge things.
    Course she thinks I'm a bit with the dog. Last month Cosmo went in for her yearly exam....so between the exam, the fecal test, the blood work (did that because she needs her teeth cleaned in the next month or so plus they also test for potassium bromide...the seizure medication she takes), the Lyme and bordetella vaxes plus a shot of benedryl because she has a history of vax reactions....yeah that was a $300 visit. I believe the teeth cleaning should be 200-250. Kind of surprising to her that I spend way more on my dogs routine and preventitive care than she does on her DH.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  17. #20717

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    I'm going to the dr on thursday for these darn headaches. I haven't been to the dr for years outside of pregnancy related stuff. I'm very doubtful that they will be able to help me but it would be nice.

  18. #20718
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    It's insane what it costs to take a pet to the vet. There is pet health insurance available. I looked into it for my parrot before. I think maybe next year I'll research it some more, maybe even talk to an avian vet in the area and see if they participate. Cramer's 'well-birdie' visits are generally 200-400...and that's when nothing is wrong! lol

    Bridget, I really hope the dr can help you with your headaches. It must be tremendously difficult to get through the day when you're in so much pain.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  19. #20719

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    I know people who spend lots more money than that on their dogs. One of DH's former friends spend thousands of dollars on leg surgery on his dog whose breed is prone to those problems. DH thought he was crazy and was not very sensitive about it. They don't talk anymore.

    Jennifer, those scrapping gadgets and accessories are a lot of fun to look at. I like to go and look even though I don't really scrap anymore. I saw a Hoarders episode where this woman collected tons and tons of the stuff and she wasn't even a scrapper.

    I really hope they can help you with the headaches, Bridget. It could be totally treatable.

  20. #20720

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    okay - can you add me to fb? I sent friend requests to Kate and Chrissy (at least I hope it was you all!)

    Okay, I have been crying all morning worried about this weekend and trying to figure out whether I want to cancel my party or pretend to be sick or something. I think I will just have to write an email to my MIL. If I wait to say something until they arrive on Saturday they will already have a drink in hand and will react in a defensive way.

    I will practice here if you don't mind:

    Dear S,
    I am so happy you all are going to come for the weekend. It will be nice to spend Father's Day together. I would like to ask that when you take JoJo on Saturday night that you are careful with how many drinks you and A. have. I want to ensure that if an emergency comes up that you are able to respond without a problem. Thanks, and I will see you on Saturday!

    k

    What do you think? I have to tell my dh that I am going to do this - he's going to flip out. I think they are going to be really hurt and mad at me and it may really make the weekend a million more times unpleasant. Before I send it I will see if my dh wants to man up on this one and talk to them himself.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  21. #20721

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    I think I would rather say something like that to them face to face. I'd rather do it in an e mail too but honestly I would ask your husband to talk to them privately.

  22. #20722

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    Quote Originally Posted by katycat24 View Post
    okay - can you add me to fb? I sent friend requests to Kate and Chrissy (at least I hope it was you all!)

    Okay, I have been crying all morning worried about this weekend and trying to figure out whether I want to cancel my party or pretend to be sick or something. I think I will just have to write an email to my MIL. If I wait to say something until they arrive on Saturday they will already have a drink in hand and will react in a defensive way.

    I will practice here if you don't mind:

    Dear S,
    I am so happy you all are going to come for the weekend. It will be nice to spend Father's Day together. I would like to ask that when you take JoJo on Saturday night that you are careful with how many drinks you and A. have. I want to ensure that if an emergency comes up that you are able to respond without a problem. Thanks, and I will see you on Saturday!

    k

    What do you think? I have to tell my dh that I am going to do this - he's going to flip out. I think they are going to be really hurt and mad at me and it may really make the weekend a million more times unpleasant. Before I send it I will see if my dh wants to man up on this one and talk to them himself.
    I think it's fine but I'm willing to bet there is no way you are going to be able to say it without offending and that really sucks. What if you kind of put in on yourself? Say something like, "It's important to me that JoJo not see/be around adults who are intoxicated. It's a personal preference of mine and it's why we get a babysitter when we want to drink."
    I dunno, it's a really crap situation.

  23. #20723

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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    I think it's fine but I'm willing to bet there is no way you are going to be able to say it without offending and that really sucks. What if you kind of put in on yourself? Say something like, "It's important to me that JoJo not see/be around adults who are intoxicated. It's a personal preference of mine and it's why we get a babysitter when we want to drink."
    I dunno, it's a really crap situation.
    You're right - there's no way to say it without repercussions. The problem is that my dh's family are always drinking, so to turn around now and say I don't want drinking around her will look even more rude. They are functional alcoholics and are always drinking - the way I have dealt with that is to simply be the only one who doesn't drink when we spend time with them (and that has gotten me a lot of criticism, too.)

    I just don't see that I could feel worse about this and so if I am going to feel bad anyway, I might as well try to ensure JoJo's safety.

    I hate this.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  24. #20724
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    Quote Originally Posted by katycat24 View Post
    I just don't see that I could feel worse about this and so if I am going to feel bad anyway, I might as well try to ensure JoJo's safety.

    I hate this.
    You're right. You need to ensure JoJo's safety.

    I've said and done a lot of things through the years that have offended/pissed off various family members and I've blatantly told them parenting isn't a popularity contest. I do what I feel is right by my child, and it's not up for discussion. I make it clear that I couldn't care less if they don't like me...but, that part is easy because when it comes to something like that I really don't care if they like it or not.

    Your dh really needs to be supportive of you on this. It's his parents after all, but in the end if he fails to do it I really don't see what else you can do. It's not you. It's them. You shouldn't feel bad for being a good mother.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  25. #20725
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    I don't know that I would send the email either. I'm thinking that I would just have the get together and if they are drinking, just say, sorry but JoJo won't be spending the night at the hotel with you. if they don't like it, tough.


    I am that way with smoking. My MIL is a smoker as is half of DH's family. I said years ago that I won't have smoking in the same room as my child. I adore my MIL but I do make her smoke outside or in the garage at my house....if she wouldn't go with my rules for my home or my child, she wouldn't be invited (and this a woman that I would willingly allow to live with us if needed...I love her that much). She has been pretty good about accepting my rules....now her mom, well they don't call grandma Queen Bea for nothing....though at the rate things are going, not sure that she will be around if our adoption takes a while.

    Health and safety come first.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  26. #20726
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    I'm actually thinking that it might be better to just avoid the actual confrontation with the ILs ahead of time and tell dh "Let's just see how the evening goes" and don't make any promises to anyone about it. Even if he already did. Specifically, don't tell JoJo ahead of time, because she would be the innocent victim in all of this and no sense letting her get all excited about an evening that may not happen.

    Last time when they had too much to drink and you had to cancel their planned evening because of that, they should have paid attention. You should not have to warn them this time. If they drink too much this time, you and your dh should get on the same page (hand signals? raised eyebrows?) and when they start talking about taking off with JoJo have him say "That's not a good idea tonight. We can talk about it some other time, if you'd like." If they protest, one of you can move off with JoJo and the other one can say that you want to have a sober adult around her at all times in case of an emergency, and that if they want her to spend the night they need to have one person as the designated babysitter.


  27. #20727

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    Lydia has great advice, and Jennifer. Scratch what I said.
    I hope your dh has your back. When we were in Canada, dbf and I were going to take Sawyer and run to the store. Dbf's sister said she'd watch the kids but at the time, I was outside with all three of them. (They have a 10 year old). So when we were ready to leave we were telling her ok, we're leaving and she was all "Bye!" but made no move to go outside. When dbf said something she said they were fine with Q (her 10 year old) because he is very responsible and great with kids. I was like, oh hells no! They live on a bluff over the ocean. Not a chance! And yes, 10 year old cousin is a great kid but they were in an area where sil could not even watch them out the window. And come on, we had walked right up to sil and said, "Can you take care of Savana and Kai while we go?" She said yes. So to me that means keep them in eyesight. Of course when we said something everyone got on our case about how we have to get over ourselves and if you can't trust family then who can you trust?
    Um...exactly.
    So anyway, I just really sympathize with you because it sucks when you are just trying to look out for your child and it gets twisted around so you are the enemy.
    Last edited by Bridget; 06-15-2011 at 01:56 PM.

  28. #20728
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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    So anyway, I just really sympathize with you because it sucks when you are just trying to look out for your child and it gets twisted around so you are the enemy.
    That's for sure. I also like Lydia's advice.

    For the record, Bridget, I wouldn't have allowed my kids (whom I trust a great deal) to keep an eye on Conner in that situation either. There's a lean-to in a forest near our house where you can camp. It's a nice little 2-mile hike and on top of a gorge. On two sides of the lean-to some distance away, but at the same time rather close, it's a shear drop off of at least 20 feet down to rocks. When we go, Conner is under me & Rich's care only.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  29. #20729

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    I was unclear - we already had a party and karaoke scheduled with friends and had her going to a Parent's Night Out at her daycare from 6 to 12. Now the IL's want to take her out to dinner without us and then go on to the hotel. So I will have no idea how much they are drinking from 6 pm on.

    Email isn't a good idea I guess. I wish I could get dh on my side on this. He is on my side, but he has seen this his whole life and so is more comfortable with the idea of people getting too drunk to function as effective adults. The last time this was as big a crisis for me was when we went to visit one summer when J was maybe 8 months old. Everyone drinking all day, I was the only sober one and I saw the 6 year old cousin run by with a bb gun - no adult. Next the 8 year old cousin runs by with two handfuls of fireworks that he set off unsupervised. I got into hot water because I didn't want to go on a boat ride with all the adults (driver also had been drinking all day) and leave my infant daughter in the care of the 10 year old cousin. I know she is mature but that is too young! And is actually NOT legal. Later on the day we left the 15 year old cousin was in a terrible jetski accident that wasn't her fault, but her parents were so drunk they stood on the bank arguing whose fault it was while a neighbor had to jump in and get her to the shore, call an ambulance and hold her hand while she was bleeding internally and close to dying. That was the only time my dh agreed that we would not be leaving her there alone with them overnight, at least until she could talk or call 911 or something. That's my short but vivid history with these people. They don't have any problem at all with drinking to excess around children.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  30. #20730
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    Oh, that makes me so sad to read. After an experience like that, and they still can't see why you would have an issue with their drinking while caring for children?

    Honestly, I think in your position I don't think I would make plans to leave JoJo with them at all. Even if they stayed sober up to the point you left, you have now way of knowing how much they would drink later. Just not a situation I'd ever be comfortable with until they had demonstrated they could remain sober.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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