Yeah...I don't expect you to follow all the initials. Basically H is having some issues I guess, but I don't know if they're for real or being embellished by the drama queens M K and A and their friends, and I don't really know for sure who is true friends with who, and I'm trying to stay supportive of all without getting really involved and I don't know if they're trying to get me to talk about H behind her back, possibly. M says she had her own drama with K and A...whatever...
Lydia, I sort of feel like he hopes it will go away. I will give him some time to approach me about it before I demand a sit down.
I am genuinely sorry about worrying anyone. Never my intention. Does he strike you as someone who would be abusive? I will say that he has never made me feel physically unsafe.
Kate, I'm glad you "came out" with your picture. That was a great moment for you and you should be able to relish it without worrying about foolish jealousy.
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I would think you'd know better than us if he could potentially be abusive. I didn't worry about that, but I did worry that things blew up and he had packed his bags and left you in a crying mess on the floor.
I think we're all close enough that when one of us goes through something particularly trying the others worry. It's ok. I know I caused you grief when Jesi was missing. That's what friends are for.
I would probably do the same as you as far as waiting it out and see if he brings it up or not. I get the feeling he's hoping you'll 'get over it' and not bring it up again. But then, I would think that because I've accused Rich of doing that to me too. To his credit, when I do corner Rich he does talk. Sometimes he gets so afraid of saying the 'wrong' thing, he says nothing instead. Maybe that's what it is with your dbf as well.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
I'm gonna be a Gramama!
I just don't want him to say what he thinks I want to hear to patch things up. If we aren't compatible then we aren't, you know? Why prolong it?
Is it horrible of me to say that if he left me it would probably make thing easier because then I wouldn't have to make these decisions?
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No, it's not horrible. I know that feeling.
And you're right, I hope he doesn't tell you what you want to hear either. It just extends it...when it sounds like you're ready for it to be over if it's going to be over.
What about counseling? Maybe you could tell him either it's over or you'll both be taking counseling...or maybe he could take parenting classes?
I swear I just told Rich yesterday that he could use an introductory course in human development, specifically in relation to adolescent girls. Sydney was crying over an argument she'd had with her BFF, and Rich pulled his face, rolled his eyes and said, "Oh geeze, it's no big deal..." he would have said more BS like that but I cut him off. And suggested some human development classes.
I think our SO's are alike in many ways
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
I never saw myself as the sort of person who would benefit from counseling but in this particular situation I have ended up in, it may be beneficial.
But then there is the issue of 3 children and no babysitter,
Oh I almost forgot something I wanted to share with you guys from a book I'm reading called, Calm and Compassionate Children.
The author is sharing a conversation she overheard between a child and his teacher.
Teacher: Do you remember the difference between tattling and telling?
Student: Oh, yeah. Telling the truth is when you're trying to be helpful and protect someone from getting hurt and tattling is when you are trying to get someone in trouble.
And the author goes on to say that "hurt" applies to feelings as well.
I'm glad I came out with it too! I've gotten a lot of comments from friends and family who hadn't seen it yet.
Also a couple of H's friends just added me to fb and twitter
Bridget, I was not afraid he was the abusive type. I just know you've been hanging in there so long I know you'd be crushed if it seemed to be ending now.
I must go to bed...tired.
Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks?
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I know you didn't mean to worry us, and I'm sure it never even occurred to you that someone might be thinking it if it didn't cross your mind, because obviously you're right there and know him best. I was just thinking that men who are insecure, emotionally abusive (berating you for making too much toast?), and drink too much may be unpredictable when confronted with a sudden change from a previously complacent partner, and when faced with the thought of losing a wife and children. I know my dh has never given me any reason to doubt his self-control, but if I ever left him I would be sure to be in a very safe place when I told him because I don't know that he'd be able to handle it.Originally Posted by bridgetwu75
What about your dad/brother? I know it would be hard on everyone, but it might be worth it. The main down side I can see is that he might not take it seriously. When I was having problems with my ex-fiance we went to two counseling sessions and he didn't tell the truth and kept changing the subject to totally irrelevant things and *poof* the session was over just like that and nothing was resolved, obviously. It felt like a big waste. And the most annoying thing was that the counselor was interested in everything he had to say and didn't realize he was doing a good job of avoiding the reason we were there, since he was so personable, so it was doubly frustrating. My ex felt he was vindicated, since he wasn't actually told that he needed to stop lying to me.
Okay, that wasn't a great argument FOR counseling. Someone has to have a success story?
Mandy, I'm glad your work situation is resolved, at least for now, and congrats on the new dog.
I read a story about a guy who had taken his dog to the vet and overheard the vet threatening to call the police on a couple of people who were trying to get their dog put to sleep because they were going to be raptured. He ended up offering to adopt the dog because he said he was Jewish (he wasn't) and wouldn't be going, so he could take care of it. So he went in with one dog, and left with two.
We had a small earthquake a little after rapture time yesterday evening. Enough to shake my chair!
Our baby is 3 years old already!
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I don't think you need counseling, but it might help your case with dbf if he's hearing someone else say the same things you are in relation to the kids. That's why I added parenting classes for dbf, because honestly I think that would be most beneficial...if he'd take it seriously and attend with an open mind.
I had to tell Rich that our counseling sessions for Jessica weren't about who is right or wrong, but about how best to approach things to help her make good choices in life.
I think that would be confusing...I mean, if someone is hurting you physically or with words, aren't you going to tell in the hopes that they get in trouble for it?
about the earthquake.
about those people! and
I'm glad someone rescued that poor dog. Could you imagine? People are idiots.
I spent a number of years in and out of counseling. Mostly to deal with my mother, but then for myself after my suicide attempt at 16. I also went for a while when Rich & I broke up and I was pregnant with my 2nd child at 18. At the time, in all those situations, I didn't think counseling was helping me at all...but looking back, I think I did learn things that I either realized later, or made little, itty bitty changes that at the time seemed insignificant but totally altered the course of where and who I was. In a good way (I hope!)
I was 18, pregnant with my 2nd, no license, phone, or high school diploma. Living off the system and quite a hothead that wasn't afraid to hit,throw things, or tell people about themselves very loudly, vocally, and frequently. I was a sh!thead. Now I have 4 kids, let more things go than not (especially in regards to people outside my house) and can afford to support all those children on my own if I had to. Yeah, I think counseling works. Sometimes, it just takes a while to see the results.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
I hope your DBF will address the issues you are having Bridget. A lot of his behavior also reminds me of my DH. I had to write him an email like that before. I also wrote a follow up two days later and told him that if he didn't come to me to discuss what I had written then I would confront him about it on X day at Y time so that we could address what I had written.
I am not a big proponent of counseling, but I do believe that it has its place and does work. Like Chrissy, I went through a lot of counseling as a pre-teen and teenager and even as an early 20something that dealt with the abuse I suffered as a child and the lingering depression and eating disorders and suicidal behaviors that I developed due to the abuse. Out of the 3 counselors that I saw, I only liked 1 of them and felt that she provided me a lot of assistance because she was very direct and I am not a beat around the bush type of person or a "see what develops" kind of person through long drawn out conversations. I do feel you have to find the right therapist or counselor or psychologist/psychiatrist in order to make gains in therapy.
I just so hope that everything turns out for you. You so deserve not to be bombarded with such foolishness from him. I just hope that he doesn't focus on the cheating thing again and try to act like this is just another attack on him, and him being the victim. He will be the one that loses out and I pity him for that if he cannot wake up and see the beauty in you and your children and appreciate all that he has with the four of you.
Erin
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We went to our little house today and ripped out all the carpets and swept the upstairs and downstairs out. We might have real issues with the basement. It had flooded and the water apparently sat for some time. There are divots in the concrete, and some of the blocks are crumbling away.
When the bank had the house locked up, they put a padlock on in such a way that the front door couldn't close all the way, so the upstairs had a lot of moisture damage to it. Most the interior doors won't open/shut properly. Some won't shut at all. I'm not too worried about that as we had planned on replacing them anyway as we do each room, except that the front door has to be lifted slightly to get it to latch.
All in all, the biggest concern is the back yard. It's really a mess...the pond has totally washed out nearly 1/2 our back lawn and left large rocks 3-5 inches deep in it, as well as caused major rutting. I'm dreading contacting the pond owner about that because I have a feeling he's going to try and claim that's not our yard and then I'll have to pay to have it assessed and go after him legally.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
Good luck, Chrissy. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you.
Me (38) DH (45) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12
Chrissy, I read your thread about the yard and, man, I hope your neighbor will cooperate. I'm sure there are legal ways to make him do it but it sure would be nice to not have to have that sort of relationship with him.
Dbf still has not responded to the email. Erin, I like your idea of giving him warning about when I'm going to confront him about it. I'm so glad I wrote the email because I already feel myself slipping into feeling complacent and I don't want to that. I can't live like this.
We went to my bff's sons birthday party yesterday and I was really surprised that all the parents just dropped their kids off. No way!! At 6 years old? They had a bouncy house in the back yard and some of the boys were being really rough and very disprespectful to each other. I ran in to grab Sawyers blanket and when I came back out there was no adult by the bouncy house so I went over and peeked in to see Savana angrily in a boy's face saying, "Don't TOUCH my brother!" Then she put her arm around Kai and said, "Come on Kai. Let's get out of here."
When they slid out of the bouncy house they saw me and said the boy tackled Kai. I was so proud of Savana for sticking up for him and then helping him walk away!
Last night in bed she said, "Mom, I have to tell you something. When that boy tackled Kai down, I jumped on his body and pulled him off. I'm sorry I did that. I know I'm not supposed to hurt people back but there was nothing else I could do. He was on Kai."
I told her I think she did the right thing in the moment and that it wasn't really her fault that no adult was there and that I was very proud of her for thinking so hard about what the right thing to do was.
She's so unsure of herself all the time so I also had to throw in that I think she is a very wise and powerful little girl and Kai is lucky to have a sister like that.
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Aw, bless her little heart.
I sent my neighbor guy a (hopefully) friendly message on Facebook. Hopefully he'll respond with some positive news. He has a construction company so I'm a little afraid he'll tell me he's going to take care of it later and then not...but I guess I'll wait and see.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
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I have to add, we had a really good time this weekend. It's not the first time when I've thought that Rich & I would make a great team in construction. I feel like I complain about Rich so much that I should give credit where it's do and I have to say this---he's a stinkin hard worker. We tore out all the carpets and swept both the basement and upstairs out. When I was helping him carry the rolled rugs out, I felt like I was nearly jogging to keep up. He doesn't stop or slow down.
I know the slower process is going to be the painting, but I'm trying to focus on the feeling of accomplishment I had when we got all our tasks done at that house this weekend. If he were lazy or shiftless, most the work would have been up to me. But he's not like that at all, and it's one of the things I love about him.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
That is so sweet of Savanna for protecting her little brother. That is strange they would have a bounce house with no supervision either. People drop their kids off at our house for parties but if we would ever have something like a bounce house or other activities, you better believe it would be supervised and only a certain amount of kids would be allowed inside at one time. That is just an accident and a law suite waiting to happen when no one is watching.
And kuddos to your DH Chrissy. I wish my DH was like that about work around the house. He is a hard worker and very thorough but takes forever to get something done and always has to take a nap and a few breaks. Luckily though he is a perfectionist and whatever he fixes or builds is very sturdy and reliable.
Erin
The party was poorly supervised in my opinion. I love my best friend like a sister but we are different in that regard. When I am around her I always feel like the way over protective parent. In her defense, though, she couldn't be everywhere at once and her husband is very lazy and worthless and just sat on the couch in the living room the entire party.
If I was busy with Sawyer I asked dbf to basically follow our kids around upstairs, outside, wherever they were.
Bridget, your kids are awesome as always!
Chrissy, I'm glad moving in to the old house won't be as traumatic as it could have been! I hope the neighbor dude is reasonable and does the right thing!
Well, we fly in 2 days and guess what...one of those 2 stupid Icelandic volcanoes has erupted AGAIN! and we might be delayed.
I was talking to my mom last night and she mentioned she'd like us to go to a church service with her, so I asked her if the people did the whole shaking and dramatic stuff that Pentecostals are known for and she said they did, so I told her we'd give it a miss because it would probably scare the kids plus trying to sit through a sermon with 2 small kids would be hard on us all. She said she understood and that some of the kids who attend the church regularly are scared of the shaking people. lol. Any how, they're having some guest people doing some singing on a Saturday night so we might just go and show our faces there to be polite. My mother is so proud to tell everyone she has family in England...not sure why she's so proud since it's not like an accomplishment or anything!
Last edited by AmeriBrit; 05-23-2011 at 07:28 AM.
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I hope the volcano activity doesn't interfere with your travel plans.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
Wow....busy weekend!
Ashley, I hope that the volcano doesn't stop your flight!
Chrissy....that is great that you were able to get things accomplished this weekend but yikes about the neighbor. Those projects do sound overwhelming...at least to me since DH and I don't know how to do those kinds of things. We can paint and that is about it.
BridgetI would never have though physical abuse from what you have written in the past....but at least some of that is emotional abuse. It seems like some other ladies here have given good advice and can relate. An email was a good idea....something I would have done too so as to not forget something.
Counseling might be a good idea. I haven't done it for relationship issues but I did see one for a few weeks...like maybe 4-6 in college when I was dealing with panic attacks. And that really helped me quite a bit.
Jennifer, 34, DH 36
I had company this past weekend.....Dh's dad and his uncle came by. It was the first time we have seen his dad in over four years. His dad is an alcoholic and has a hard time with jobs....for a while was living at the VA but currently lives in a mens boarding house. He's not a bad person but sucks as a dad. He's kind of nervous and tends to be depressing and lives in the past. I know he does love DH but didn't spend a lot of time with him growing up and even know we tend to only hear from him a few times a year and the phone calls are only like 15-20 minutes long. It was nice for Dh to see his dad but yeah two days with him is enough. It's really no wonder that the idea of being a dad scares DH....his dad sucked at it and is kind of a loser....and his stepdad that was there from the ages 9-24 was a major a-hole and a definitely an emotionally abusive man.
It was nice having his uncle though (his mom's brother....he grew up with his dad so they were friends way back when). The uncle is coming up again this weekend with his mom. I adore my MIL so that should be a much more fun weekend.
Friday was also our 13 year anniversary....not wedding but when we officially started going out as bf/gf....it was our third date and even though we were pretty young, we never broke up or even mentioned it. He says I'm stuck with him.) but that I looked about the same.
Jennifer, 34, DH 36
Oh and I REALLY am getting ticked off about ticks! Saturday night was almost falling asleep when I felt something behind my knee....reached down and yup a tick (after I woke up DH and made him turn the lights on). Had him check me and I didn't see anything else. Woke up at 3am and went to the bathroom....another freaking tick this time on my arm! OMG. I was not in the woods Saturday, I was not in tall grass. I briefly was in the grass off the deck but mostly on the deck. Cosmo was running around the yard but again not in the field where the tall stuff and weeds are. She has frontline and I did check her out but I doubt i would see one if it was on the black. And of course she is always sitting on me (visiting family was talking about how they never saw a dog as attached to someone as she is with me) and she is on the furniture and sleeps with us. Next cockapoo we get, we are getting a light buff colored one.
I have found something that I do not love about living up north....ticks! We didn't have this problem in Milwaukee or my hometown that is south of there. I mean they probably have some but not like this. It almost makes me look forward to winter again and we just finished winter! And while Cosmo uses a litter box, she has REALLY grown to love going outside and running around and she needs to lose a few pounds (she is 3 lbs over ideal due to the seizure medicine) so I don't want to stop going outside.
I washed all the sheets yesterday and checked Cosmo pretty good....still took me a long time to fall asleep...I kept thinking of bugs crawling on me
Jennifer, 34, DH 36
Wow...I'm wordy today!
Jennifer, 34, DH 36
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Happy Anniversary! Are you going to celebrate in any way?
I'm glad your dh got to see his dad, as unpleasant as the visit probably was. I'm sure your dh will be a much better father than the two he had growing up. Not everyone perpetuates their own childhood experiences.
I wonder if you're experiencing so many tics because the house is new and they haven't realized the yard isn't a field yet? Hopefully next year it won't be as bad. Our house is 7 or 8 years old and was formerly in a field and I have to say the tics weren't that bad. Conner did get one, and I think one of the dogs did too, but I haven't seen any in our house. They'd give me the heeby jeevies too!! Ewwe!
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, Ash. You've been looking forward to this trip for so long that it would plain suck if the volcano got in its way. I often wondered why they can't re-route these flights when the original path gets obstructed. I know that the Iceland/Greenland route is a shortcut of sorts, but the ash plume is a thousand miles wide. Why can't they make the flight just a bit longer to get around it. I've been on 13 hour flights before, so I'm pretty sure it's not unthinkable to find a detour around that big black cloud. It's better than grounding 10 million travelers like they did last year.Well, we fly in 2 days and guess what...one of those 2 stupid Icelandic volcanoes has erupted AGAIN! and we might be delayed.
(I just pasted my question over to a friend of mine who edits Aviation Weekly. I'll let you know what I find out.)
Bridget, Savana is the perfect little heroine of young adult stories. You could write a whole series based on her. You must be so proud.
... I went over and peeked in to see Savana angrily in a boy's face saying, "Don't TOUCH my brother!" Then she put her arm around Kai and said, "Come on Kai. Let's get out of here."
When they slid out of the bouncy house they saw me and said the boy tackled Kai. I was so proud of Savana for sticking up for him and then helping him walk away!
...She's so unsure of herself all the time so I also had to throw in that I think she is a very wise and powerful little girl and Kai is lucky to have a sister like that.
With regards to Mark, I am so, so sorry that he's giving you that amount of grief. From what you describe, I have to agree that it's not looking hopeful that he'll have some sort of a quick turnaround, or not make things harder for you before they get better. It also doesn't sound to me like he's the type of guy who'd be open to the type of inward-looking work that needs to be done in counseling. (There are A LOT of guys out there like that. I'm married to one.)
Honestly, from where I stand, your situation looks like a highly evolved, emotionally intelligent female who is with a dude like your DBF specifically because you are one of the few women strong enough to deal with his destructive behaviors. I think you, on your own, are just fine - in fact, fantastic & more than wonderful, even. It's Mark who needs the work - with his drinking, his unreasonable expectations, the cheating. He has so, so, much growing up to do. And the fact that he hasn't responded to your amazing influence shows that he's got a lot of deep-seated stuff in there that's resisting positivity in his life. The fact that he's not responding to your message is just another way to purposely infuriate you. He sounds very take-me-or-leave-me in your relationship, where he demands everyone else but himself to change. And that just ain't right.
I have a feeling that if you were to leave him, he'd even make you do all the work there. He'd call it "your decision" and somehow make it look like you were the one that didn't try.
Ugh. I hate to cut myself off right now, but have work to attend to.
Mandy, I love the outcome for the doggie.
chrissy, I hope your weekend was productive.
Jennifer, happy belated anniversary. You and your DH seem like a great couple!
Last edited by demigraf; 05-23-2011 at 11:41 AM.
You've hit the nail on the head, Myles. He is the least self reflective person I have ever known. So much that he truly does not see himself for what he really is. Like, he hates liars. He thinks deadbeat dads are losers (he has an 18 year old son whose life he was not in until I came along and we had Savana and i wanted her to know her brother. He insists the mom wouldn't let him see the boy but I say he didn't fight for him), he preaches organic living and no tv but every time I leave the house they eat junkfood and watch tv.
And I spoke to him for a minute this morning asking if he planned to respond to my email and he said, "You want to live separately. I don't. What is there to discuss? I get mad at you and never say I want to leave. You get mad at me and just want to end it. It's all you wanting to end it. Not me.
He says I demand him to change but won't make changes myself. I asked him to please write down the changes that he thinks I need to make. I also noted that really all I was asking of him was to be pleasant, respectful and kind to us.
Last edited by Bridget; 05-23-2011 at 12:18 PM.
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Bridget, everything I want to say sound so inadequate to me, so I'm really at a loss. It just sounds like he's leaving you at a terrible disadvantage. The way I take it is he doesn't care if you're unhappy, he's simply not going to change. How can you work with that?
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
Bridget, it sounds like he's doing what he always does to you by turning things around and trying to make you feel bad. You have to some how break that cycle. Easier said than done, I know!
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Gosh Ashley, I hope that volcanic ash cloud stays out of your way. Eek.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
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