Secular Confessions

[Ky'sMom]

I don't really consider myself a runner. I just wanted to do something to challenge myself. I am a penguin but a determined one and my goal is just to finish the race without walking. Now that I've fallen off my training, I don't know if I'll be able to do that, but I'm pretty sure I will.

Erin

[missychrissy]

I'm sure you can do it. Just take time to practice every other day.

And while I'm not expert, I think if you're participating in 5k's, you're a runner!

[Cosmosmom]

I could never do a diet like that. I would honestly rather stay fat than give up potatoes, pasta, rice, bread. I think that I should be able to lose 30-40 lbs and not give those things up but just try to not have pasta quite as much. That is what I like about WW is that I can still have pasta...I just need to plan for it. Like tonight I'm making homemade mac and cheese. I know that it's 9 pts per cup...kind of a lot but 1.5-2 cups is VERY filling and so worth it and I serves on top of a couple cups of broccoli. So I had a low point breakfast and my lunches are only 5 pts so I have the room for it tonight.
Now the trick would be to actually stay on track and count points for more than one week in a row.

Yuck Bridget, I'm sorry that you have to worry about that too. If that was my DH asking to go, I would tell him no. We do not travel without each other or do fun things without each other. I just do not see it as fair for one person to go off and spend the family resources on fun without the other person getting to have fun too. The only time we have traveled without each other in 13 years was if it was work related.

[missychrissy]

I don't have any issues with partners traveling solo, but if we'd gone through what Bridget and her dbf went through...um, no way would Rich be going to that wedding without me.

Trust is earned. If he hasn't earned your trust back, then he shouldn't go. There's no magic number, like in 1 year all trust is back. It's more about how he behaves than length of time. jmho.

[Cosmosmom]

Yeah and I totally trust DH.....but I'm a jealous person and I absolutely do NOT want him doing something fun without me. Like visiting his mom....it's his mom and if she suddenly needed him, he could go without me. But a fun visit with her, nope, not without me. Thank god he's as needy and clingy as I am.

I'm going out of town next month...my boss and I are going to a conference...leaving on Saturday and returning on Tuesday. I'm already not looking forward to being away from him and if he hadn't used up so much PTO for the adoption classes, he might have come with me. I will have to bring a laptop and book with me so I have something to do at night at the hotel.

[Bridget]

When I trusted Mark I didn't mind at all if he did things without me. In fact, he's even gone to Vegas once since he cheated on me and I sucked it up because he was meeting his dad there, who he rarely sees so I didn't feel right saying no.
And he might think that enough time has gone by that I should be over it but how can I ever know? I mean, maybe he has only been faithful because he hasn't had the opportunity? Who knows. I trusted him completely before this happened and he was always telling me how he hated liars and cheaters so it never occured to me worry.
PLUS, the guy whose wedding he is going to is a liar and a cheat himself and the same guy that dbf was partying with when he cheated on me in Hawaii.

Dam him. He is totally sucking the level headed zen-ness right outta me.

[daylilies]

I'd take DH to the NKOTB cruise with me but something tells me he really wouldn't be into it ;)

[missychrissy]

You're right, dam him. I don't think there's a set amount of time. For every couple that's been through something like that, it's different.

Rich met his other gf at his mom's, and at her encouragement. It was a good 3 years before I felt comfortable with him going over there without me. I only 'got over it' because Rich's behavior changed significantly during that period. Now he goes over there every week and I never even give it a thought because I'm certain that that scenario could never play out now. If his mom suggested anything like it, he'd get upset with her, tell her about herself, and leave. Back then, he listened to her and believed in her.

Kate-I'm sure he wouldn't enjoy it as much as you!!

[daylilies]

DH and I both wronged each other early in our relationship (like, 3 months into it) I was still seeing a guy I knew before I met DH, and I didn't tell DH I was still seeing him (I didn't really see the need, I didn't think we were in an exclusive relationship) but he knew something was up and he read my diary. I think we both still hold a little grudge about that. However DH has recently said he trusts me 100%. So...it took us about 12 years. LOL
ALSO..DH fooled around with someone else while we were taking a break (I know, it sounds like a Friends episode). I was hurt that he got over me so fast that like a week later he was going down on some other chick. I think it was more of a revenge thing on his part.

[missychrissy]

Men suck. It's effortless for them to separate sex from emotions.

[Bridget]

The thing about my trust in him is that I still feel almost positive that there are times that I don't know about. I always knew that when he went out and did the whole party/pub crawl without me that he often represented himself as single. That bugges me but I just thought he needed the ego boost of women hitting on him and never thought he'd cross that line.
He had plenty of opportunity to cheat on me in Hawaii because I never questioned him. I find it really hard to believe that I just happened to find out about the only 2 times he ever cheated. Come on.

[AmeriBrit]

Sorry to all y'all that have been cheated on. My DH and I have never dated anyone other than each other, but I am still jealous of him when he goes out without me (which is rare but he is in a band that plays at pubs, so they do things as a band every now and then and I don't like that one of the guys in his band has cheated on his wife), but I know that Rich's conscience wouldn't let him do that to me....well, that's how I like to think of it, but I'm sure I'm probably just naive about the whole cheating thing.

I went power shopping with my SIL and MIL today; I bought some awesome blue ballerina pumps. I'll have to take a picture to show you guys. I'm now drinking a glass of Gallo Family White Grenache Rose wine and waiting for dinner to be done. Life is good. lol

[Bridget]

For what it's worth, I can also separate sex from love quite easily and spent a lot of years doing just that.
But not with him. Not before he cheated, anyway.

[Ky'sMom]

That is difficult Bridgett. Have you told him about your feelings about the subject, not an all out "I forbid you to go because of this..." sort of thing, but just expressing your concern. Maybe he will change his mind about going or at least try to alleviate your fears by checking in often and keeping you abreast of what he is doing.

I don't talk about it much, but my DH did cheat on me years ago as well. It took me a long time to not think he was using every opportunity that he was away from the house to troll for women. I also don't think it is a set amount time. I didn't stop thinking about it until probably within the last year and that happened almost 6 years ago. I just stopped thinking about what he does period and really we get along really well now. He does know that if I even think that he is cheating again that I will pack him up and he will be gone.

Erin

[Bridget]

I told him yesterday that I'm not sure I trust him to go and he sort of played the victim like he's hurt that I think so poorly of him. He has a way of making everything about him. Not very sensitive to my feelings at all.

[missychrissy]

I went power shopping with my SIL and MIL today; I bought some awesome blue ballerina pumps. I'll have to take a picture to show you guys. I'm now drinking a glass of Gallo Family White Grenache Rose wine and waiting for dinner to be done. Life is good. lol

I love when life is good!!

I told him yesterday that I'm not sure I trust him to go and he sort of played the victim like he's hurt that I think so poorly of him. He has a way of making everything about him. Not very sensitive to my feelings at all.

That really bothers me on your behalf Bridget. Your feelings are valid and he needs to take his head out of himself and listen to you. You deserve that much. For me, it's about respect and I don't think he gives you enough. He really put you through it and he needs to own up to that, not downplay your feelings.

Even to this day, if I felt the need to talk to Rich about what happened, we'd be able to. He doesn't get defensive or irritable or make excuses. It was a sh!tty deal for both of us and he knows that.

I'm not saying I haven't had sex without emotion. I just think it's naturally easier for me. But maybe that's just me.

[3andMe]

I have a pretty easy time separating sex from emotions, too. Except when I'm mad at dh, but that's an entire different scenario, of course. Luckily, I have no need or desire to go looking for it outside of my relationship.

Bridget, I think it is really crummy of him to be putting this back on you. I mean, one of the bad things about a cheating spouse is how much it affects the relationship in the long term. Is it going to be brought up in fights all the time? Is it going to cause trust issues forever? Things like that are reasons why it's hard to live with a cheater, and in some ways it would be easier to just pretend it never happened or to split up.

Regardless of the history of cheating, I think it's really irresponsible of him to go away for a weekend of drunken debauchery for an event that is not essential, leaving you at home with three children, one of whom is still a small infant. If it were me, I would try to take the cheating aspect out of it (even if you can't ignore it internally) and realize that this is not something a good partner would do without asking and getting your blessing--and I wouldn't want to give it. There is no good reason for him to be going.

------

Mandy, I've been feeling guilty for empathizing with you about a dh being gone when mine was only gone for summers and yours was gone for so much longer. So I apologize if I offended.

[Ky'sMom]

He is being very immature.

I was hoping since you have indicated he had been more helpful since Sawyer was born that maybe he was turning around and not being so self centered.

I would still try to talk to him again. Maybe try to start out with how good things have been since Sawyer arrived and how you don't want it to be ruined, that you are scared of it happening again and tell him what you feel you need him to do if he goes on his trip that can alleviate those fears. That it is not about you playing the victim or demonizing him, it is about rebuilding the trust between the two of you.

Maybe you have already done that though but I just remember how defensive my own DH was about it. He admitted he was ashamed of what happened and how much he had hurt me and he just didn't want to be reminded of it so would get stand-offish and selfish. I would write him emails or letters so that he wouldn't have a chance to get upset in my face, which in turn would make me upset and cause off to wander from the subject at hand.

I am so sorry though that he is not being as accomodating as possible. Even through the BS my DH gave me, he did tell me that he would do whatever it took for me to trust him in that way again. I can't say that I do trust him like I used to, I don't really trust anyone to do anything other than be themselves, but he listened to me and respected my position and did almost everything that I asked of him. The rest I had to do myself and little by little I just stopped thinking about it and figured that there was nothing I could do to stop him from cheating again if he wanted to. He could say he was going to the store and meet someone for a quickie or something (and I admit I did use to think of that when he made runs to the store). We can speak of it openly now without DH getting upset too.

I also agree with Lydia.

Regardless of the history of cheating, I think it's really irresponsible of him to go away for a weekend of drunken debauchery for an event that is not essential, leaving you at home with three children, one of whom is still a small infant. If it were me, I would try to take the cheating aspect out of it (even if you can't ignore it internally) and realize that this is not something a good partner would do without asking and getting your blessing--and I wouldn't want to give it. There is no good reason for him to be going.

I also feel it is strange that he would want to leave you and 3 kids to go party. I can understand an evening out or even visiting a relative, like the Vegas trip, but not just to go out and get wasted.

Erin

[Gwenn]

I also had no problem separating sex and emotion in the past. At least, some of the time. Other times I got involved post-sex and that turned into a huge mess. I don't miss that part.

Bridget, I agree that he is being selfish. He should recognize the timing of his request and it's relative level of importance to your family. I'm sorry he's putting you through this. I'm still dealing with my own DH trust issues despite the fact that things are going well between us now - I just keep coming back to it. It will be a while before I completely let it go.

I do have to brag about DH, though, if that's okay - the other day we were at Barnes and Noble looking at DVDs and he pointed out to me they had a Led Zeppelin collector's set - all their CDs packaged like the original albums, not in jewel cases. It's one of those things I love the idea of but would never buy for myself. He went home and ordered it for me on the internet for no reason, just for something special, and it came today. It was so sweet of him.

Although he also bought himself a truck today (we've been talking about that for months) so we're both feeling the difference in our savings account - ouch. But it's still really sweet of him.

Mandy, I've been feeling guilty for empathizing with you about a dh being gone when mine was only gone for summers and yours was gone for so much longer. So I apologize if I offended.

Lydia, it never occurred to me to be offended by what you said. Although I admit it is the sort of thing that I might have been offended by if it had come across differently, but I "know" you enough that I know what you meant. I suppose it's all about delivery. Someone else may not have said the same thing in the same way.

[missychrissy]

Your husband is so sweet Mandy

Whatever happened with the dog that he wanted to help a friend ship over?

[daylilies]

I have a confession to make.

When I booked the cruise, I honestly expected to be single by the time I got on that boat. That's why I didn't feel bad about not going with DH.

Now that we are staying together, I feel kind of bad (especially after reading people's thoughts on taking a fun trip without your SO). But DH has taken trips without me and I never felt left out. We each have our own interests that the other has no interest in.

We also go to our respective parents' houses without each other quite often, but I don't think either of us thinks visiting the inlaws is a fun time.

[Gwenn]

Your husband is so sweet Mandy

Whatever happened with the dog that he wanted to help a friend ship over?

He helped ...

I have a confession to make.

When I booked the cruise, I honestly expected to be single by the time I got on that boat. That's why I didn't feel bad about not going with DH.

Now that we are staying together, I feel kind of bad (especially after reading people's thoughts on taking a fun trip without your SO). But DH has taken trips without me and I never felt left out. We each have our own interests that the other has no interest in.

We also go to our respective parents' houses without each other quite often, but I don't think either of us thinks visiting the inlaws is a fun time.

Don't feel too bad. I went to France without DH and had a great time and don't regret it at all. I can understand doing something you enjoy and the other doesn't, especially because it sounds like you and your DH do things together, too.

And I agree, neither DH nor I consider a visit to the inlaws fun!

[3andMe]

Don't get me wrong--I think it's fine to travel without a partner if it's important to the traveler, if the person staying at home doesn't mind, and if it doesn't put undue stress on either party. It sounds like your NKOTB cruise fits all of that. I would probably be prepared for how you will handle it if you are in a flirty situation, though, because it is easy to get carried away in the moment if alcohol is involved.

Dh travels a lot without me, and I wouldn't think twice about going on a trip without him if I didn't have the children to consider. However, with three young children, it's really leaving the other person in a very difficult situation to go away for a while, esp. if it's not for a good reason. If our kids were older, or we had fewer, we would probably be traveling more, with or without each other or even together without the children and leaving them with my mom (!).

For example, dh took an extra week to travel for fun when he happened to be on business in New Zealand, and I didn't mind. How often would he get that opportunity with the flight already paid for? I would totally want to do it if it were me, and I know that being able to travel to interesting places was one of the reasons he took this job in the first place. However, he did check with me to make sure I was okay with it, and he knew it would be difficult for me.

[daylilies]

I don't think flirty situations will be a problem. I'm pretty sure at least 90% of any guys on the cruise will be with their girlfriend or wife. And well, when it comes to girls, dh would just say "take pictures".
I don't plan to drink a lot...I'm already worried about feeling sick on the boat.

[3andMe]

I figure the cruise will be 90% girls, and gay waiters. I'm thinking shore time and guys who will want to take advantage of tipsy tourists. Where is it going?

[missychrissy]

to your husband Mandy. I know it put some financial stress on you, but what a guy.

I think every situation is different, and the key to solo travel is really if the partner is ok with it. I've taken a number of trips without Rich and had a great time. Of course, I take the kids with me and mine are older...but he's talked of going on some guided hunts out west some day. I'm surely not going to participate in that and the kids won't be going with him. I'll be totally ok with it.

Initially, I was going to go to AZ alone to meet ShannonG. Rich was fine with it and we were in the process of making arrangements for daycare and whatnot when she wrote me and said how wonderful it would be to meet my kids as well. It really didn't take much convincing, and Rich was ecstatic about it.

[missychrissy]

Oh and Kate, how are things with dh now?

[daylilies]

I figure the cruise will be 90% girls, and gay waiters. I'm thinking shore time and guys who will want to take advantage of tipsy tourists. Where is it going?

It's starting in Miami and going to the Bahamas.

Oh and Kate, how are things with dh now?

Not bad...off and on. I still think he's really insensitive sometimes but I guess that's normal. The worst is really when we drink. That's another reason I've been trying to cut down. But IDK if you guys saw my rant in ranting and venting about an old fight I had with his inlaws...but he brought that up when he was drunk. And I hate trying to have an intelligent conversation with him when he's drunk and I figured I should probably stop drinking more than one or two nights a week so I don't influence him. He says he doesn't want to drink unless I do, and while I can have one or two drinks, he keeps going back for more.

[missychrissy]

Yeah, you cannot have a reasonable conversation when someone has been drinking.

Rich is never short with me unless he's been drinking. A couple times he's been a downright ass. One time in 19 years he said, "Man, you can be such a b1tch." It was probably a year or so ago, but I was shocked. I think that was the night I packed all his stuff and put it in the back of the truck and told him never to come back.

That stuff never happens, nothing even close to it, if he's not drinking. Usually he's not as bad as that, but he definitely gets a little curt.

I'm glad things seem to be better. Change can take time and it's not something that would happen overnight.

[Cosmosmom]

Now that we are staying together, I feel kind of bad (especially after reading people's thoughts on taking a fun trip without your SO). But DH has taken trips without me and I never felt left out. We each have our own interests that the other has no interest in.

We also go to our respective parents' houses without each other quite often, but I don't think either of us thinks visiting the inlaws is a fun time.

If it works for you guys, don't worry about it. I think that I'm the only one who doesn't and won't travel without the DH. But that is just us. I think because we got together when I was 19...basically went from my parents to DH so haven't really ever been or done anything independent. The only time I traveled without him was when I went on vacation with my family but we had been together only 2-3 months at that point and the vacation was planned before him. And once a few years ago I drove to Rochester MN for a conference (about 2 hours away) and was one 1-2 nights.
We are pretty much together unless one of us is at work. And I will sometimes do errands without him like grocery shopping. But the mall, often he wants to come with.

For us to visit the families....it's either a 5 hour drive or his mom would be closer to 6.5-7 hours drive. We haven't gone to either family without the other. He's more quiet than me so often hangs out in our room at my parents watching TV or playing on his computer (my family doesn't care because basically my dad does the same thing ). He comes out to say hi and visit a bit and get food.
His mom, I just love visiting with her. She is coming back to our place Memorial weekend and hopefully helping us with the garden and some planting. I cannot wait until she can retire and move to our town.

We don't always have the same interests either but will try to do what both us want. That means me not whining at the train museum. And him not whining when we are looking at clothes for me.