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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #17911

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    again...again I have no good advice but I hope everything smooths out okay. At least you're involved and I think everything will be okay.

  2. #17912
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    Thanks Kate. I know no one can tell me what to do. It just helps to get it out. I feel bad for taking over this thread again But I can't stop myself.

    Also, if anyone feels like I'm out of line in anything, it's ok to say so. I admit I'm so confused and frustrated, I doubt I'm really thinking clearly at this point. I'm trying to do my best, but I'm just lost as to what the 'right' answers are.

    I'm really grateful to this school. The principal and her crew leader have both written me tonight. I remember when Jesi was missing, the principal wrote me at midnight. I have no doubt she has the kid's best interest at heart...and I don't think that woman sleeps!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  3. #17913
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    Chrissy, get it out. You aren't out of line at all and we're all here for you.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  4. #17914

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    It's fine if you need to get it out! It's good for you.
    I have no idea what it's like to parent teenagers...I don't know if it would be a bad idea for you to go to her and say you're really at a loss and that you love her and want her to be safe...I know my parents liked to make it look like they always knew what they were doing and I never felt like parenting was hard for them (I think that's why it was such a shock to me that it can be so difficult sometimes) but maybe if she feels like you're just truly concerned for her and you want her to make it through these years without too much damage, she'll soften up?

  5. #17915
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    I did try that approach with her tonight Kate. Jesi tends to process things slowly, so I don't know if what I say has any impact on her at all or not. But I don't ever want my kids to doubt for a minute that I love them, so no matter how angry I get I make sure I tell them so. I've asked her, "What do you think we should do? You skipped school and you lied, there have to be consequences for that." She just shrugged, but I wanted her to have the opportunity to tell me her side. Unfortunately, she was tight lipped. I even said that if there's something else going on I can't help her if I don't know what it is. She looked at me and looked away. I suspect there is something, but I don't have a clue what it is.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  6. #17916

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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    We are good Chrissy, thanks for asking. This newborn thing is one heck of an adjustment but I'm pretty proud of all of us.
    And speaking of united fronts, we're doing major damage control over here because Savana has absolutely no respect for dbf at all. She sass talks him almost any time he asks her to do anything. I take equal blame because I have questioned his parenting in front of her numerous times. I should never have done that. His blame as that he was such an inconsistent, crap parent for so long. So we are both trying to change our part in the situation and be consistent parents. We posted 2 rules in the living room. 1)No hurting people or animals 2)No sass talk. Consequence for #1 is two minutes in room. Consequence for #2 is five minutes in room and then choose a toy to give to the "victim" for the day.
    Even though they can't read, posting the rules has been really helpful. And more than anything it has forced us to be consistent and to follow through without threats or anger.
    Savana is having a really hard time. I'm worried about her for several reasons that I can't even get into because I haven't fully processed everything yet. But lets just say the hand washing obsession has become much worse along with a refusal to even touch certain things in the house.
    Bridget. I've mentioned before that I have OCD, but am completely functional and almost symptomless at this point (thanks to cognitive and behavioral therapy). There were many times in my life, including when I was young, when it was extremely debilitating.

    OCD feeds on itself, creating reward-like little serotonin releases when a compulsion is completed (diffusing anxiety). Then after many repetitions, it makes the person need the compulsion to function without anxiety. After awhile extreme anxiety can occur over small changes to a person's routine. I'm guessing if Savana's problem is really OCD and not (as Lydia mentioned) the general obsessions and compulsions that most children have, it probably started with some anxiety about change in her life, then begin to take root as a compulsion that needs to be completed to assuage the anxiety.

    I would really order the OCD workbook and read it for yourself. Obviously Savana's too young to read it, but you might be able to help her understand where her intrusive thoughts are coming from and how she can best deal with them, and maybe most importantly, help her figure out how to talk about what's going through her head.

    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    Thanks Kate. I know no one can tell me what to do. It just helps to get it out. I feel bad for taking over this thread again But I can't stop myself.

    Also, if anyone feels like I'm out of line in anything, it's ok to say so. I admit I'm so confused and frustrated, I doubt I'm really thinking clearly at this point. I'm trying to do my best, but I'm just lost as to what the 'right' answers are.

    I'm really grateful to this school. The principal and her crew leader have both written me tonight. I remember when Jesi was missing, the principal wrote me at midnight. I have no doubt she has the kid's best interest at heart...and I don't think that woman sleeps!
    Chrissy. I'm glad she's home but how terrible that she's been proven to be lying again.

    My mom finally said that if I was going to cut classes that I needed l drop out and get my GED. She didn't mean it maliciously, she actually followed up by saying "Did you know 8 senators have GEDs instead of high school diplomas?" In the end that's what I did, leaving in my junior year and starting at a community college a year early. It was probably the one thing I can think of that turned my life around more than anything else.
    Last edited by AbbeysMom; 03-15-2011 at 05:05 AM.



    lost our bean to Triploidy Sep 2010

  7. #17917

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    DH has his GED and he has a decent job. He dropped out of high school when he was 16 and ran away to be with a girl he met from Tennessee. He actually wanted to go back to school in TN, but there was some law that if your parents didn't live in the same county, or state or something, you couldn't go to school there.

  8. #17918
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    Kate, did you ever hear back from Josh's teacher about the little boy and Josh's hand?
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  9. #17919

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Kate, did you ever hear back from Josh's teacher about the little boy and Josh's hand?

    Oh yes! She e mailed me today. She said she hadn't heard anything about it but she would keep an eye on them.

  10. #17920
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    I'm glad you told her. She can watch out for it, at least.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  11. #17921

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    Why oh why oh why did I make brown butter brownies? Get thee behind me, yummy Satan!.

    I now know the secret to a good brownie: skip the vegetable oil and use butter, but brown the butter first. Adds a depth and savory note that are making it almost impossible for me to stop eating them. I may get through the whole pan by midnight.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  12. #17922
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    O.M.G. Want one of your brownies. Now.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  13. #17923
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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    Thanks Kate. I know no one can tell me what to do. It just helps to get it out. I feel bad for taking over this thread again But I can't stop myself.

    Also, if anyone feels like I'm out of line in anything, it's ok to say so. I admit I'm so confused and frustrated, I doubt I'm really thinking clearly at this point. I'm trying to do my best, but I'm just lost as to what the 'right' answers are.
    I think that this is what we are here for....we can't always give answers but can give suggestions at times or just listen and be empathetic.

    Just try to remember it does get better...she won't be a teen forever. I admit that I like to watch the View and numerous times have heard Barbara Walters talk about how difficult her daughter was as a teen...running away, drugs, the works...but now they are very close and her daughter is a great person who does a lot of giving back.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  14. #17924
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    I would like a brownie too....except girl scout cookies came in tonight and I now have 16 boxes in my freezer (half are my parents).

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  15. #17925
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    chrissy, any chance you could maybe get her to do some volunteer work where she can actually see what it is like to be homeless...give her an idea where she could head if she keeps it up (not that you would actually have her be homeless but she might not have to know that). Or see what being in jail is like?

    I really think that the biggest thing that stopped me from sleeping around was knowing first hand what AIDS looked likes. When I was about 16, my uncle was at some of his most sick times...and it was awful and just seeing how many drugs he had to take every day and the toll those took on him....I just knew that I would do whatever I could to avoid getting that.

    Oh I just thought of something....would Jesi maybe feel more comfortable in writing? Maybe talking face to face is just too hard for her and maybe she could write you a letter and let you read that with her in another room?

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  16. #17926
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    Chrissy, would Jes feel more comfortable talking to one of her sisters or even one of the teachers instead of you? I know that a lot of times kids find it easier to talk to anyone other than their parents.

    Molly/Bridget, I have OCD, too, and have controlled it with cognitive therapy. (I've had it all my life; I can remember being young and the behaviors I had then).

    Katycat, those brownies sound awesome! I've only tried to make homemade brownies twice and failed each time, so I've stuck to Betty Crocker mixes since then. I might have to try again. I've actually been wanting to make a German Chocolate cake lately.

    Ugh, I have a cold sore and it hurts! I've been so stressed out trying to arrange this USA trip we're doing this summer on top of trying to decide whether I'm going back to work or not this year; I feel like I just need to relax and sleep a while. If only!

  17. #17927
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    Quote Originally Posted by AbbeysMom View Post
    Chrissy. I'm glad she's home but how terrible that she's been proven to be lying again.

    My mom finally said that if I was going to cut classes that I needed l drop out and get my GED. She didn't mean it maliciously, she actually followed up by saying "Did you know 8 senators have GEDs instead of high school diplomas?" In the end that's what I did, leaving in my junior year and starting at a community college a year early. It was probably the one thing I can think of that turned my life around more than anything else.
    She can't get her GED in NY until a year after her class graduates. It may be a stupid law, but it's there to prevent kids from dropping out and getting their GED.

    Going to a 2-year college is kinda a mandatory thing for me. I know I can't make them, but I'm going to push as hard as I can to make them. If they go to college, I'll cover their car insurance and cell phones bills. If not, they're on their own and they will not live with us.

    I have a GED too. I know it's not the end of the world. It's just not an option for my kids as long as I have any say about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Oh yes! She e mailed me today. She said she hadn't heard anything about it but she would keep an eye on them.
    Good. Now she's aware so hopefully it'll stop happening.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    Just try to remember it does get better...she won't be a teen forever. I admit that I like to watch the View and numerous times have heard Barbara Walters talk about how difficult her daughter was as a teen...running away, drugs, the works...but now they are very close and her daughter is a great person who does a lot of giving back.
    Thanks I can't wait till the better days!

    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    chrissy, any chance you could maybe get her to do some volunteer work where she can actually see what it is like to be homeless...give her an idea where she could head if she keeps it up (not that you would actually have her be homeless but she might not have to know that). Or see what being in jail is like?
    She's going to a correctional facility with school this week, and her school is very active in helping the community. That's something I forgot to tell you about...one of her volunteer classes was at a church and the asses made her put sweatpants on before they'd let her help prepare food. I didn't complain to the school, but I told Jesi she doesn't have to volunteer there ever again. I know her school would back her up too. They didn't like her shorts & fish-net-like hose. Some probably would have had a heart attack if she walked in with her mohawk. I wonder if they would have asked her to put a bag on her head?

    I don't think she's having sex. I could be wrong, but we've talked a lot about that and she's afraid to right now. She knows I'm ok with it...I mean, I'm not 'ok' with it, but I'm a grown up with realistic expectations of adolescent girls. We've talked about emotions and protections and how boys will get what they want and run, and that's ok if you're emotionally 'there' too. Of course, she could be lying but hopefully if she's doing it she's protecting herself. She has access to everything she needs.
    Last edited by missychrissy; 03-15-2011 at 06:09 AM.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  18. #17928
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    On a happy and somewhat hopeful note, Wells Fargo may approve that house (our first choice house) for a mortgage. I'm waiting to hear from their person today.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  19. #17929
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    Woot woot! That's great news, Chrissy! I hope you get that house.

    I should be cleaning but I am so not a cleaning kind of person. LOL. All my wood floors need washing...argh.

  20. #17930

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    Good luck with the house!
    Mmm, brownies. I was looking at the recipe for fudge on the jar of fluff, thinking, I could do that, all I need to get is condensed milk and chocolate. But I'm trying to get onto a better diet. I'm confused about it though and I'm unsure about what to cut out completely and what is okay in moderation. I've already sworn off drinking alcohol at home for at least the next couple months. I'll have a glass of wine or something if we go out.

  21. #17931
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    Every body is different and will react differently to such things as fudge, so I'll just tell you what works for me. You can take my advice with a grain of salt.

    If I were at the point where I was trying to lose weight, I wouldn't even make them. If I really had to have 1 piece, I'd go to a specialty shop and just buy one. But I know me, and I don't have the willpower to only have 1 if there's an entire pan there, and honestly, I don't think you'd be able to stretch a whole batch out and have it remain fresh if you only had 1 a week. When I'm in weight loss mode, I try very hard to not eat anything like that at all. The most I'd allow would be 1 piece of chocolate a week...but I try to avoid it. I went well over 6 months without junk before when I was over 170 lbs.

    Even now that I'm within 10 lbs of my own ideal weight (and at a weight I can be happy with if I never lose another pound) I save batches of fudge for special occasions only...Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc. As long as I've 'been good' with my eating, when I have those things I'll eat 5 pieces if I feel like it and not feel a bit guilty. It doesn't really impact my weight either, because it's so rare that I have stuff like that in the house.

    That's just how I do things for me.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  22. #17932

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    Yeah, the fudge was a passing thought. I don't like sweets enough to make them (although DH and Josh would probably appreciate it)
    I'm about 10 lbs. away from my goal weight too, but I mostly want to tone up. I should get some kind of workout routine going but I'm so bad at self-motivating that all I can muster up us 30-60 minutes on the treadmill a few days a week. I'm working on that though.

  23. #17933
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    30-60 minutes on the treadmill a few times a week is fantastic!! The advice I got from other runners (experts, really) was to alternate with some weight training. One guy told me that he ran outdoors or on a treadmill religiously for months, but didn't start seeing any results until he added the weights to his regimen.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  24. #17934
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    I'm sure that holds true for walking too...not sure what you do on the treadmill. Walking is better than sitting and it does help.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  25. #17935
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    Well I would be thrilled if I was on a treadmill that much. I need to get back to exercise too. One thing I like is kettle bells....it's toning and aerobic all in one. Now to put in the DVD and actually do it a few times a week...different story. Once all the snow is melted and it's a bit warmer out, I would like to start walking Cosmo. She needs it and I need it. A year ago she was 21-22 lbs and is now about 26 lbs. It started once I got her on seizure medication. She isn't roly poly yet but when she jumps off the couch or bed, her landings are sounding too hard. I think that she needs to be more like 23-24 lbs. Plus I want to start to get to know the neighbors more so hopefully walking her around a lot will help with that.

    Kate as for foods...each person is different and will have different triggers. I'm with you on the alcohol. I like to have a drink or two at night and if it is in the house, I want it. Pasta is a big one for me and certain sweets (which I don't usually keep in the house)....and leftovers. I'm bad with going in and snacking on some cold pizza, cold mac and cheese, cold spaghetti, that sort of thing. Now DH is totally different, his are snacky salty things like nuts, pretzels, chex mix, goldfish. Cashews cannot be kept in the house.

    I like veggies and fruit...but not what I tend to grab to snack on if there is cold spaghetti in there.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  26. #17936

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    Kate, I think you really have to start doing some weight training. It is fabulous for weight loss and toning. Gah, I miss working out.

    I forgot to tell you guys that I successfully took all 3 kids to the library on saturday. This was a huge accomplishment for me. I was so worried and everything went fantastic.
    I've been up since 3am with Sawyer and am doing the daycare full time on my own now...plus had a new 2 year old child start today.
    I'm tired.

  27. #17937

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    That's awesome that you all went to the library Bridget! That must have been fun.
    Thanks for the advice. I used to walk at a really steep incline at about 3 mph until I realized that hanging on for dear life doesn't burn as many calories as the readout tells you. So now I put the incline at about 4 or as high as I can go without having to put a lot of weight on my hands (I still have to hold on because I have balance problems) and I go at 2.5-2.7ish mph. It tells me I burned 200 calories in about 45 minutes. I think weight training is so boring. Honestly I can barely make it through the treadmill walks.
    Pasta and bread are my problems. I don't know if there's a reasonable amount I can eat or if I should really eliminate it, especially since my favorites are white bread (like French bread) and white pasta.

  28. #17938

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    Quote Originally Posted by AbbeysMom View Post
    Bridget. I've mentioned before that I have OCD, but am completely functional and almost symptomless at this point (thanks to cognitive and behavioral therapy). There were many times in my life, including when I was young, when it was extremely debilitating.

    OCD feeds on itself, creating reward-like little serotonin releases when a compulsion is completed (diffusing anxiety). Then after many repetitions, it makes the person need the compulsion to function without anxiety. After awhile extreme anxiety can occur over small changes to a person's routine. I'm guessing if Savana's problem is really OCD and not (as Lydia mentioned) the general obsessions and compulsions that most children have, it probably started with some anxiety about change in her life, then begin to take root as a compulsion that needs to be completed to assuage the anxiety.

    I would really order the OCD workbook and read it for yourself. Obviously Savana's too young to read it, but you might be able to help her understand where her intrusive thoughts are coming from and how she can best deal with them, and maybe most importantly, help her figure out how to talk about what's going through her head.
    .
    Thank you for sharing this with me. The bolded part makes perfect sense. And to be honest, the whole thing was getting much better until I had Sawyer. And it's not just that I had him, it's that I was short on patience and time and I'm sure that more than anything made her upset.
    She's been being sent to her room for 2 minutes every single time she talks rudely to us. Maybe one out of five times she gets sent, she goes in and comes out in two minutes. The other four times she freaks. She repeats over and over, "I wanna come out. I wanna come out. I wanna come out." And when I tell her her two minutes does not start until she is calm she screams, "I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that..." over and over again. And I'm talking that she is screaming this in a rage. I hate it so much. I feel like she really doesn't know how and when I try to help her she just argues with every single thing I say. so I don't know if I am supposed to ignore her or try to coach her. It's like she's lost her mind for a minute.
    She's gotten to wear she won't pick certain things up with her hands. She will try to use her feet. She asks me to feed her certain things but other things she eats and gets messy no problem. Do I feed her when she asks? Do I pick things up for her that she won't touch?
    I need to find a dr I trust.

  29. #17939

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    I don't know Bridget But Josh does that same thing, where I ask him to calm down and I can see he's trying and he says I can't. I guess they don't have a handle on how to control all their emotions yet.

  30. #17940
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Pasta and bread are my problems. I don't know if there's a reasonable amount I can eat or if I should really eliminate it, especially since my favorites are white bread (like French bread) and white pasta.
    Pasta and white bread are my weaknesses too and I never did cut them out, even when I was eating 'right' almost all the time. What I did do though was limit myself to just 1 cup of pasta and/or 1 slice of my favorite bread. It really sucked, but you can't totally cut out your favorite things. That will just set yourself up for failure.

    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I don't know Bridget But Josh does that same thing, where I ask him to calm down and I can see he's trying and he says I can't. I guess they don't have a handle on how to control all their emotions yet.
    Conner gets like that too. I just let him have his melt-down till he's done, then we talk and cuddle. I don't tell him to calm down...it's a personal thing with me. I remember crying my eyes out about something, feeling like my heart was breaking and the world as I knew it was ending, and someone said, "get ahold of yourself!" I'll never forget how that made my awful feelings even worse, so from that experience I don't tell anyone to calm down. Ever. Not even in a nice way, because I'm terrified of making someone else feel like I did at that moment. I remember I was little, like less than 10, and I felt like I would be better off dead.

    I have no clue about her hesitance to touch certain things or how to handle it. I would definitely look for a good dr. Poor little girl

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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