Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

I've learned in that case to always ask, "What's Dad say?" and Rich will ask, "What's Mom say?" They know we're going to compare notes, so none have tried to lie and say, "They said it was ok" when they hadn't even asked yet.

Rich & I are very different people and I can't really explain how we came together on the parenting stuff, but for the most part we're always on the same page. Rich pretty much follows my lead though because he knows he doesn't want to be the type of parents his parents and grandparents were.

[Bridget]

We are good Chrissy, thanks for asking. This newborn thing is one heck of an adjustment but I'm pretty proud of all of us.
And speaking of united fronts, we're doing major damage control over here because Savana has absolutely no respect for dbf at all. She sass talks him almost any time he asks her to do anything. I take equal blame because I have questioned his parenting in front of her numerous times. I should never have done that. His blame as that he was such an inconsistent, crap parent for so long. So we are both trying to change our part in the situation and be consistent parents. We posted 2 rules in the living room. 1)No hurting people or animals 2)No sass talk. Consequence for #1 is two minutes in room. Consequence for #2 is five minutes in room and then choose a toy to give to the "victim" for the day.
Even though they can't read, posting the rules has been really helpful. And more than anything it has forced us to be consistent and to follow through without threats or anger.
Savana is having a really hard time. I'm worried about her for several reasons that I can't even get into because I haven't fully processed everything yet. But lets just say the hand washing obsession has become much worse along with a refusal to even touch certain things in the house.

[missychrissy]

Bridget

[Cosmosmom]

Big to all you that are having a hard time.

Dh and I had a fight yesterday. Our vaccum broke....so I wanted to go buy a new one. He freaked out because Friday night I ordered the $370 nursery bedding/decor, which he agreed to. On top of it, we got a explaination of benefits letter from lab work I had done last month...our portion is over $700. That doesn't even include any of the lab work we both had done plus his ultrasound last week.
Honestly, I think that from now on I will just get the TSH test, maybe cholesterol and a CBC...I think that those are 100% covered once a year. This year I will be 7 years post gastric bypass and I don't see the need to get all my vitatmin levels tested. They do B12, D and a bunch of stuff. I know that post surgery there can be issues with not absorbing vitamins. But considering I haven't had a problem once in all these years and I can eat plenty of food at this point (and I try to make sure to have lots of veggies and fruits), I don't think that I need to have them done every year.

Plus at some point in the next two months i think that we have one 1750 payment to the agency and one 3K payment so I know that DH is stressing about that. And we still haven't heard from our city and have no clue what the property taxes will be.

Well eventually DH stopped freaking out about the vaccum. We will go buy one Wednesday after our first adoption class.

[missychrissy]

I'm sure you've discussed the reality of unexpected expenses with your dh once you have a child. I can't count how many there are, and some are quite steep. I hope he's able to relax a little bit because it is stressful for a child if their parent freaks about every extra dollar. I know from experience because my own dad didn't handle financial stress well at all...and he had the savings to cover every contingency that came up too.

[missychrissy]

Jesi's school just called. She's not there again. Today is 'crew day' and her class is spending the day at a cabin doing stuff. She's not with them. She was seen in the morning, but not since about 9:30.

I don't know wtf to do.

[AmeriBrit]

Hope y'all are having a good Monday. Mine's been ok. I set off to take Travis to his gymnastics class today and the road I usually take was blocked off for road works so I tried to navigate on my own (forgot that my phone has sat nav!) and ended up having to call my MIL for directions. We were a little late but all was ok. I've been here 8 years and I still freak out a little about driving places i'm not used to. I need to work on that especially since I do have sat nav now!

Bridget, I hope you can help Savannah settle soon. (hugs)

[AmeriBrit]

Oh no! I only just saw your post about Jes, Chrissy. I hope she lets you know where she is soon.

[missychrissy]

Jesi's school just called. She's not there again. Today is 'crew day' and her class is spending the day at a cabin doing stuff. She's not with them. She was seen in the morning, but not since about 9:30.

I don't know wtf to do.

I just called my county's probation and social services department. I'm going to see about putting her on PINS (Person In Need of Supervision). If I understand the program correctly, if she doesn't tow the line, she faces being put in detention.

[missychrissy]

Oh no! I only just saw your post about Jes, Chrissy. I hope she lets you know where she is soon.

thanks...as it is, I took her phone away as a punishment for last week. She skipped her 2 morning classes, either by leaving the building or hiding in the bathroom, and then she shaved her head on Saturday. Now, I can't even call her or track her texting.

[daylilies]

Oh no Chrissy, I'm sorry you're dealing with this again.
Bridget, I'm sorry you're having problems too.

[missychrissy]

At least this time I know it's just because she's pissed at us and that she's not dead. The last time was so out of the blue and apparently out of character, I really feared someone stole her.

She thinks she's going to 'show us' that we can't tell her what to do. She's going to find out what 'mean' is.

[girlwonder]

Chrissy, I'm so sorry. I think all you can do is what you are doing - continue to reinforce boundaries and rules while offering help as you can. She is definitely pushing you to see if you break.

I don't know if this matters in your situation, but I was a really good kid who pushed a lot of boundaries to see if my parents really cared. I guess I thought that if they cared about me they would care what time I came home. Only once when I stayed out all night did I get grounded, and only for one night. I snuck out that night just to test if they would notice and they didn't. My takeaway on that was they didn't care and that I could just do whatever I wanted to do. I guess what I am saying is keep on being firm and letting her know what the rules are and that punishment is consistent and unwavering.

I hope she stops doing this to you.

[Cosmosmom]

I just called my county's probation and social services department. I'm going to see about putting her on PINS (Person In Need of Supervision). If I understand the program correctly, if she doesn't tow the line, she faces being put in detention.

Honestly, sounds like that is a good idea and that some tough love might be what is needed.

[daylilies]

I think you're doing the right thing too. Not that I don't think you can handle her but to show her you're not afraid to get other people involved to make sure she's safe.

[missychrissy]

The PINS lady just called back. In 2005 they changed the laws and essentially took all the tools away from the program...but there are still some. It's basically a central location where we can get assistance in getting her help. The best thing they can help me with is if she runs away again, I take a police report to them and PINS can take that report to a judge and have a warrant issued. It won't go on Jesi's record, but would make it so she'd be picked up on site and taken either to court (if it's in session) or a detention center overnight and then face the judge in the morning.

As sick as I feel about her being in detention, I think that she needs to see we're not messing around, so if she isn't on that bus tonight that's what I'm going to do.

I do have an appointment for her with the PINS dept on the 24th at 4:00. Even though there's not much they can do as far as forcing her to go to school or obey her parents, she can stand as a representative of 'the system' and be another voice in the crowd telling Jesi she has to listen and that she's going down the wrong road.

[3andMe]

I'm sure you've discussed the reality of unexpected expenses with your dh once you have a child. I can't count how many there are, and some are quite steep. I hope he's able to relax a little bit because it is stressful for a child if their parent freaks about every extra dollar. I know from experience because my own dad didn't handle financial stress well at all...and he had the savings to cover every contingency that came up too.

I agree. We grew up quite poor - one month someone stole our food stamps, and we survived on a couple of bags of dried beans for the entire month. We had no savings. Still, I never felt deprived (except later on, when I didn't have the fashionable new clothes) and I recently heard my parents talking about it and my dad said he never felt poor. My mom was shocked. Really?!? He added he knew they were poor, he just never felt poor.

I'm worried about her for several reasons that I can't even get into because I haven't fully processed everything yet. But lets just say the hand washing obsession has become much worse along with a refusal to even touch certain things in the house.

Oh, Bridget. That must be such a worry for you. Do you think that you could enlist her to help you problem-solve at all?

I just called my county's probation and social services department. I'm going to see about putting her on PINS (Person In Need of Supervision). If I understand the program correctly, if she doesn't tow the line, she faces being put in detention.

I'm thinking about you, Chrissy.

------

All of this is making the projectile vomiting over the brand new car seat and all over the back half of the car yesterday seem like petty trifles.

Note to self--no more Sunday car expeditions when someone is complaining of a tummyache.

[missychrissy]

I agree. We grew up quite poor - one month someone stole our food stamps, and we survived on a couple of bags of dried beans for the entire month. We had no savings. Still, I never felt deprived (except later on, when I didn't have the fashionable new clothes) and I recently heard my parents talking about it and my dad said he never felt poor. My mom was shocked. Really?!? He added he knew they were poor, he just never felt poor.

I envy him that because even though I know we're solidly middle class, I certainly feel poor. It's crazy, because I know we're not.

I remember going through one really bad time...this is an area where I really resent NYS and how their Medicaid system is set up. My mom was nuts-like certifiably institutionalized for a number of years. It was on and off throughout my childhood, but when Dad filed for divorce I was 13 years old. Due to her condition and being essentially a 'ward of the state' it took 3 years to go through. When it was finalized, it was written that my father had to pay the state back for those 3 years that they took care of her. He brought home less than $300/week in the late 80's and had two kids to support 100%, but they took $75/week from his pay for her care.

I remember he lost his car and we ate nothing but either pancakes or pop corn for dinner many nights. Besides school lunches, that was all we had to eat for the entire week, and this went on for months. He made too much to be eligible for any help because they didn't factor in what they took from him to pay 'alimony' for my mom. It wasn't like my mom was getting it though, the state was. It didn't matter that he had BC/BS and that paid 80% of her bill during that time either.

I'm thinking about this and getting even angrier at my 2 older kids. They really haven't a clue what a hard life is. My mother tried to kill me (literally) and used to beat me and shove me when she'd go psychotic. I was 8 the first time I called the police on her. Every day I came up the hill on our bus and watched with anxiety deep inside me to see if there'd be a police car in the driveway...or my grandmother's car (which would be there if mom had gone to the psych center while I was at school). Some days I'd come home to things burning on the stove because she'd start to make lunch and forget and just let it cook all day. Yeah, my kids haven't a clue.

[missychrissy]

------

All of this is making the projectile vomiting over the brand new car seat and all over the back half of the car yesterday seem like petty trifles.

Note to self--no more Sunday car expeditions when someone is complaining of a tummyache.

awww I hope they feel better.

[Cosmosmom]

I'm thinking back to when I was a teen....and I didn't step out of line all that much (except the running off incident but I did that when I was almost 19). Trying to remember WHY I towed the line. I really think that it was because I was scared of my mom. She was strict and could be a hard a$$...but not physically. In some ways I had a lot of freedom and liberty...I wasn't censored, didn't have a curfew, had a car before I was 16....but that also was a lot to be taken away. I had to keep up good enough grades, my mom had to know my friends, she had to know where I was going and with who for the most part. I was NOT allowed to smoke ever (and in college it was get a credit card).
I have NO doubt whatsover that had I not listened, I would have had nothing. I wouldn't have been allowed to go anywhere (and if it came down to it, I would have had a parent following me to class...my mom worked but I really think that she would have done it needed). I wouldn't have had a TV or anything in my room, wouldn't have had a car, wouldn't have had any money for anything, not been allowed to leave the house unsupervised for anything fun. It would have been miserable for me and for my mom.

[Cosmosmom]

We were actually just talking about discipline over the weekend in working on our adoption paperwork. Had to go over how we were disciplined as children and how we plan to go about it in the future.
I didn't actually get in trouble much...mostly because I was scared of mom and knew that if she said something, she would follow through...no doubt for me.
Dh's mom is a guilter....all she had to do with him is say I'm so disappointed in you, You embarrassed me, I'm ashamed of you right now.
For the future, we both really like the 1,2,3 Magic book/approach. It's so popular in the library I bought a copy for at home and we both liked that and instinctively applied that with Cosmo without realizing it.

[Cosmosmom]

I'm sure you've discussed the reality of unexpected expenses with your dh once you have a child. I can't count how many there are, and some are quite steep. I hope he's able to relax a little bit because it is stressful for a child if their parent freaks about every extra dollar. I know from experience because my own dad didn't handle financial stress well at all...and he had the savings to cover every contingency that came up too.

Well I know that he is only to change up to a certain point and financial stability is such a huge priority for him. It's not every dollar he stresses over anymore, it's when a number of big expenses come up unexpectedly. He does much better if I can plan on spreading out expenses and so I will just keep myself out of the stores except grocery for a while. This past year has been very hard for him and he's done much better than expected with the new house and everything that came along with it. And I didn't realize that my insurance had changed and now the deductible applies to lab work (never did before).
I still cannot believe I talked him into building a house (he wanted to wait until we were in our 40's and could pay cash!) and now not even a year later, I talked him into adopting a baby (he has been all for adopting....it was just coming up with the money for the agency).
He likes to say that he sits around and tries to think of ways to save money, and I sit around and think of ways to spend it. Usually that creates a pretty good balance....I loosen him up and he brings me back to reality.

[missychrissy]

Oh believe me, Jesi has nothing. I have no doubt that's why she ditched school today, because I dared ground her.

Her school just called and they're formulating a plan. We're going to get together and basically tag-team Jessica and let her know that her behavior is unacceptable, that attending New Roots is a privilege and if she continues she will lose that privilege. It'll be more reinforcement that like it or not, she still has to listen to her parents. I think Jesi needs that message from all angles.

Her Crew Leader (homeroom teacher) is an awesome, sweet, woman and she's quite disappointed and had a bit of an edge in her voice when she just called. If I know Jessica, she'd cry if she knew how upset she has Becca. Jesi wanted to punish us, but it's still important to her to be liked by her teachers.

[missychrissy]

She doesn't know it yet, but her sisters are going to be on a week vacation. Jesi is doing all the girls' chores for a week, in addition to losing her phone and internet. She doesn't have tv in her room, but she used her computer to listen to music...not any more. I took that Sunday.

I have the same rules for all the girls, and the same ones will apply to Conner as well as he gets older. Only Jesi is really struggling with obeying. Bobbie mumbles and groans and definitely has her opinion on how she'd do things much better, faster, and more efficiently (lol!), but she still listens. Some kids are easier to manage than others.

[daylilies]

Chrissy. I think you're doing the right thing.

[Cosmosmom]

Chrissy. I think you're doing the right thing.

Agreed. And that is great that school is on board and maybe hearing disappointment from the teachers will be the thing that gets to her.

[missychrissy]

She came home...that's a relief. I really didn't want to do the whole police report thing and have them pick her up and take her to detention. She might be a brat, but she's my brat and I love her.

She's saying that because it was Crew Day and she was missing assignments, she couldn't go and she was with Heather all day. Heather works at the school, I've talked to her before about my concerns with Jesi. I told Jesi that I found it hard to believe that the school didn't know, especially her Crew Leader Becca, but it would be easy enough to verify tomorrow when I talked with Becca. Heather won't lie for Jesi, and she'll be in a whole world of trouble if she's lying to me.

Before she ran off, I wouldn't have doubted what she said. I don't think Jesi realizes the full impact of what she's done. She's totally ruined all my trust in her, and you know, it does hurt from a parent's perspective. I want to believe her, but I'm not a fool either.

[girlwonder]

I'm glad she came home. I think it might be a pretty powerful statement for you to state it as calmly as you did here - that you can't trust her anymore because of her actions and the freedom that trust afforded her is now gone. I think it is great if her teachers get involved too.

[Gwenn]

Chrissy, I'm so glad she's home. You're doing the right thing.

And about your Mom.

[missychrissy]

I got the dreaded email. Jesi was flat out lying. She's crying now of course because she's caught and knows it. I don't know what's going on with her, but I suspect there's something up. I just wish she'd talk to me. I tried talking to her, but she just sat on her bed weeping.

I pointed out that it's not just about her, although she is my only concern. Her school is a new charter school and there's a union teacher (or former one?) in the area that has been trying to first prevent, and then stop, this school since it was first talked about. She's filed all kinds of FOIL requests and took them to court. She's watching the kid's attendance like a hawk, and I have no doubt if she caught wind of this crap she'd use it against the school any way she could. She has quite a following because a lot of people believe the charter schools are a waste of money and take away from the perfectly good (their words) public schools. I explained all that to Jesi. She does love this school, so hopefully that will help her make better decisions going forward.

Rich is ready to pull her out immediately, but I talked him into waiting till we can meet with the principal of the school and a couple others next Monday and at least hear what their game plan is. Both her crew leader and the principal will be talking with Jesi tomorrow. Jesi knows she won't be skipping even 1 class at this point without us finding out.