Secular Confessions

**Cosmosmom** · 03-10-2011, 02:51 PM

Chrissy what are your HR policies about bullying, respect....that sort of thing? I would imagine a place like your job would have a great deal of policies and would mention something about proper workplace behavior. When he got over the line and mean, what would he do if you started to cry?

I cannot imagine what it would be like. I'm not a very sarcastic kind of person and do not take well to much teasing. A bit of joking, ok but not anything close to what you have talked about. I might have missed some posts but have you said, wait, that is over the line, not professional and bothers me....would he stop?

**missychrissy** · 03-10-2011, 04:13 PM

Originally Posted by Cosmosmom

Chrissy what are your HR policies about bullying, respect....that sort of thing? I would imagine a place like your job would have a great deal of policies and would mention something about proper workplace behavior. When he got over the line and mean, what would he do if you started to cry?

I cannot imagine what it would be like. I'm not a very sarcastic kind of person and do not take well to much teasing. A bit of joking, ok but not anything close to what you have talked about. I might have missed some posts but have you said, wait, that is over the line, not professional and bothers me....would he stop?

I know I can go to Frank, and if that failed HR is a route. Before today I figured I'd just leave but now like I said...he's really made me mad and the stubborn woman in me is thinking I just may dig in my heels and teach him a lesson. I probably won't, but I do know that's my right.

The joking around didn't bother me and at first I really thought he was kidding when he'd say, "What good are you?" or "What are you even doing here if you don't know?" If I bring it up later he claims he was kidding, but a joke is only funny if it's used sporadically. And then there's the whole tone too. He's definitely said those things when he's been irritated. He's never been irritated at me directly, but at everything in his life...his wife, job, people, what others write on the wiki, etc. I should know better than to take it personally, but everyone else he vents about isn't hearing it. Well, maybe his wife is and that's why she stays home and gets high all day.

I feel like asking him to think for 10 minutes about how he'd feel if Frank (his boss) said those things to him each and every day for 6 months straight, because that's what he's done to me. I told my dad about it and without him knowing anything else about John (my boss) he said, "He has an issue with women" which made me laugh because I honestly think he does. It was just funny to me that it was my dad's first thought too.

But I do feel like I'm partially to blame because initially I went along with it. I'd laugh or make similar comments in response. Then when it got old, I stopped responding and his tone has definitely changed. When I brought it up on Friday, he said he was really sorry and when I snorted he said, "No, I mean it. I don't mean to be an asshole." But by Wednesday he was throwing it in my face...so much for sorry.

Today I was able to avoid him because I had a lot of work to do and then I took an extended lunch. I happened to have stuff to do outside out office, but that's not the norm. He knows again he's crossed the line because when I was downstairs he came down to check up on me like he did when I was new.

I'm not going to just let this slide. When he starts acting like we're buddies again, I'm laying the law down about it. He is a sensitive man and I go out of my way to be sensitive to that, but he hasn't done the same for me. So now that's over.

**demigraf** · 03-10-2011, 11:19 PM

Chrissy, I couldn't remember where I heard the term "verbal sniper", so I googled and learned it's a fairly common phrase. Read this one about how to cope with difficult people: http://ohp.nasa.gov/cope/a_diffpeople.htm . Sometimes your boss sounds like a tank, sometimes he sounds like a sniper. If you're feeling stubborn and ready to take him on, I would follow the advice in the link. On top of that, I still think the best way to deal with someone verbally aggressive like your boss is with amused curiosity. Y'know, stay calm, smile if you can, and question him like you don't get what he's trying to say. That tends to break a jerk's momentum pretty quickly and he loses control of the situation.

It really sounds like he's trying to get to you, so if your goal is to fight back, then make it look like everything rolls off of you.

There's nothing that says you still can't keep building a case against him for HR while you try some new approaches. We're here for you whatever you decide to do.

**missychrissy** · 03-11-2011, 06:40 AM

He's definitely a sniper as well as a complainer and negativitist. In a group setting I wouldn't have any issues dealing with him...he's certainly not the first that I've come across in over 15 years of being in the working world. I guess where I struggle is that we're alone together all day long and I bear the brunt of it. The only outlet I have is online, and none of you get the witness it. There's a lot to be said in shared misery...I'm generally pretty good about letting these things roll off my back, but not so much in a one-on-one situation.

I know his goal is to get to me. Earlier he had made comments about 'breaking my spirit' At the time I didn't think anything of it and seriously thought he was kidding. The stubborn side of me is really thinking about making his life miserable. He doesn't think I'd ever go over his head, but I believe in choosing battles and this might become one I choose to fight. A part of me thinks that he needs to be brought down by a female because I have no doubt he does have issues with women.

There's a female Mac "expert" that works for Cornell's IT department. John is Mac in our building and I'm PC...and he hates this woman and calls her stupid. Not to her face, but after meetings or whenever she has to email or call us about something. I've been here 3 years and I don't recall her ever making a mistake, but according to John she's absolutely clueless. I think the real issue is she's a woman with real Mac skills and he feels insecure about that. It's ok that I have PC skills...in his opinion, PC's suck.

Also, he doesn't talk much about his childhood, but he's only told stories about his father. I can only remember one time that he's mentioned his mother. It makes me curious....There might be something there. Not that it's my problem, but given my own family history of mental illness I'm always curious about what makes people tick.

On another note...goodness about Japan.

I was watching some footage on CNN. The one (first?) earthquake that they showed just went on and on and on. Horrifying.

**daylilies** · 03-11-2011, 07:38 AM

It's so sad. I haven't watched any footage yet.

I can't believe he joked about breaking your spirit. I wonder if his mother has something to do with that, too.

**3andMe** · 03-11-2011, 01:51 PM

We were going to go to Crab Cove today, but have changed plans because of the tsunami. Claire keeps saying all the beaches are closed because of the "salami." They don't understand why a wave would be a bad thing, so we looked at some pictures of the earthquake and the tsunami (link here) and I don't know if I should have done that or not. Now Claire is scared. Ro says that they just have to clean up all the mess.

Myles, are you okay? I heard they were evacuating a lot of Pacifica, but I remember you saying you were up on a hill.

**daylilies** · 03-11-2011, 05:58 PM

I posted this in NM/MIG, but wasn't sure if you'd all see it there. Any advice on this?
Josh told me today that one of the kids in his class has been bending back Josh's fingers while they're waiting in line for everyone to get dropped off. I don't know if I'm missing part of the story because this kid seems nice to Josh whenever I see him, Josh went to his party a while ago and everything was fine. We even have plans to have a playdate on Tuesday!

But I was wondering who I should approach about this--Josh's teacher or this kid's mom. He says he tells the kid to stop and he doesn't, and he said the teachers see him do it but don't say anything, which is odd. His teachers have been great, from what I see. So anyway, wwyd?

**daylilies** · 03-11-2011, 08:30 PM

Quiet night! Hope everyone is okay

I updated in the thread I just posted about--I had a sort of disturbing realization. Josh has been saying his hand hurts. I hope it's not because of this kid. I want to wake him up and ask him! Augh.

**Gwenn** · 03-11-2011, 09:25 PM

Oh, no, Kate, I hope Josh isn't being bullied or hurt by this kid. I really wish I had good advice for you but other than speaking to the teacher and mentioning not only what he said about the kid, but that he has also separately been complaining about his hand hurting. Hope that helps.

So...DH gave me a date he expects to fly home from FL and asked me to buy him a plane ticket! (We decided against him driving home due to gas prices at the moment). It's earlier than I expected, too, which is fabulous news!

So I got excited and called up a friend who is a power shopper to take me out and help me find something to wear to the airport. I have my own style but I'm a little laid back/bohemian and I'm not the one who dresses to impress the boys. So I brought a friend with fabulous (and expensive) taste.

I found a top I really liked - no sleeves but straps and a black and white design. Fancy but with a cardigan on top I could wear it to work and it would be classy. I tried it on and it was very cute. And my friend picked out a dress for me that I would never, ever, have thought to try on but she and the sales girl made me - and it looked fabulous. Just cut in a way that it showed off curves I didn't think I had. They talked me into buying it - I actually bought both because I figure I could wear the top to work so it wouldn't be a one time purchase. But I'm not sure the dress is the thing to wear to the airport in the middle of the day on a weekend. I think I'd be better off in the top and saving the dress for going out to dinner somewhere nice, which we will likely do to celebrate having him home. But it would make a much nicer first impression than the top and pants. What do you guys think? Or do any of you care?

**girlwonder** · 03-11-2011, 10:07 PM

Kate - I would definitely talk to the teachers about it and make sure they understand that they need to keep an eye on them or separate them in line. And you should also tell them that Josh has told you his hands are hurting him.

Gwenn: unless it is a ball gown, I say go for the dress! Who cares if it is the middle of the day? You are dressing for him and you, not for anyone else.

**Gwenn** · 03-11-2011, 10:15 PM

Katy: Here is the dress and the top.

**girlwonder** · 03-11-2011, 10:20 PM

Definitely the dress!

**Gwenn** · 03-11-2011, 10:21 PM

I should have gone shopping with you!

**daylilies** · 03-12-2011, 04:31 AM

Oh, it's a cute dress! Not too fancy!
I emailed his teacher last night.

**Bridget** · 03-12-2011, 05:00 AM

LOVE the dress!

Kate, I'm so sad for Josh! I hope you can get everything resolved.

**3andMe** · 03-12-2011, 05:07 AM

Kate, I agree with talking to the teacher.

Mandy, wear the dress. People wear dresses or suits all the time in the airports around here. They also wear sweats. Just wear it with confidence and love, and you'll look fabulous. I love it.

I have been taking the kids to do various studies at UC Berkeley the past couple of weeks, in language development and in locomotor development. Last week they made up an imaginary language to see how the twins learned new words, and the twins used a computer to identify shapes they'd associated with these words. They had a ton of fun, and there was a waiting room full of toys and entertaining grad students while we were taking turns. Soren is doing other studies, basically helping the UC Berkeley people assess whether crawling babies perceive the world differently than pre-crawlers. They see if he can categorize objects by shape, as well as color and size, things like that. We don't get any compensation but the children have all found it to be an interesting activity so it's beneficial for us and the main reason we do it is because it's potentially beneficial for science, for understanding how people think and develop.

Anyway, yesterday at the playground I heard Claire and Ronin playing "Study."

"You wait in the waiting room over there, and I'll go in for my study now!"
"Okay, and then when you're done with your study it will be my turn for my study."
"My study is over. Your study is in that room over there!"

Maybe five studies for three kids in two weeks is a little much. The grad students were so grateful, though!

**daylilies** · 03-12-2011, 08:48 AM

LOL Lydia! Too cute.

**AmeriBrit** · 03-12-2011, 10:35 AM

That's funny, Lydia. Travis does that reinacting thing a lot but with talking to his cars.

Mandy, wear the dress, it's fab!

Kate, I hope the teacher acts on your e-mail. I'd be tempted to talk to the parents of the other boy as well.

**AmeriBrit** · 03-12-2011, 10:35 AM

That's funny, Lydia. Travis does that reinacting thing a lot but with talking to his cars.

Mandy, wear the dress, it's fab!

Kate, I hope the teacher acts on your e-mail. I'd be tempted to talk to the parents of the other boy as well.

**Gwenn** · 03-12-2011, 11:24 AM

Lydia, that is SO cute! Do they share the results with you? I'm curious how the children did! And let me thank you for participating - the hardest part of doing a study like that is recruiting subjects and almost always it's someone (or the child of someone) who is connected somehow to the department which results in kind of a narrow "gene pool". I participated in a few studies when I was in school, both as a participant and as a researcher. It was fun.

I think I will wear the dress - but AZ is not like other places. People don't dress up here.

**Gwenn** · 03-12-2011, 11:33 AM

My sister just heard from her SIL in Japan that she and her family are fine. But my sister has many friends in the area that might have been affected and she is very worried. I hope they are all okay.

**daylilies** · 03-12-2011, 11:37 AM

I hope your sister's friends are okay

**AmeriBrit** · 03-12-2011, 12:58 PM

Lydia, I love your new siggy pic! It's so cute how Soren looks like he's been accepted in to the 'gang.'

**Gwenn** · 03-12-2011, 02:31 PM

My sister just posted this on FB:

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. We also learned that my nephew Keisuke was in Fukushima for a school overnight at the time, but was able to get out safely.

**3andMe** · 03-12-2011, 02:47 PM

Originally Posted by Gwenn

Lydia, that is SO cute! Do they share the results with you? I'm curious how the children did!

They shared what they could. Some of them (like Soren's shape recognition) were blinded to both me and the people doing the study. I was right there next to him but facing the other way so I couldn't see what he was seeing. The person presenting the shapes to him also couldn't tell what he was seeing, just so that she couldn't influence him. He was videotaped, and they would review the videotape later to see if he looked any longer at the unexpected shapes.

I watched Claire participate in the imaginary language one. It was obvious that she did well, although they told me afterward that she did. They told me that the theory is that children learn words based on the shapes of the objects they represent (I'm not sure if I'm remembering or explaining this well). So they had a big stuffed dog tell Claire that she wanted to share some words from her own language, and then a shape appeared on the computer screen and the dog said "This is my BLIX. Can you see my BLIX?" And Claire would nod, all serious. The next screen would show a different shape, and the dog would say "This is my SQUEE. Can you see my SQUEE?" And Claire would nod. That went on for a little while. Then there would be a screen with four different shapes, and the dog would ask her if she could see the BLIX. And Claire would point to the BLIX shape. They did that with shapes, and then a stuffed alligator came along and taught her a different language that differentiated words with patterns. So I could tell right away that Claire got all of the words right, and she loved having a stuffed dog talking to her.

**missychrissy** · 03-12-2011, 03:32 PM

Originally Posted by Lydia

We were going to go to Crab Cove today, but have changed plans because of the tsunami. Claire keeps saying all the beaches are closed because of the "salami." They don't understand why a wave would be a bad thing, so we looked at some pictures of the earthquake and the tsunami (link here) and I don't know if I should have done that or not. Now Claire is scared. Ro says that they just have to clean up all the mess.

Myles, are you okay? I heard they were evacuating a lot of Pacifica, but I remember you saying you were up on a hill.

That's rough. I've been caught in situations where the girls had asked me something, then they were anxious later and I'd wonder if I shared too much info.

Originally Posted by daylilies

I posted this in NM/MIG, but wasn't sure if you'd all see it there. Any advice on this?
Josh told me today that one of the kids in his class has been bending back Josh's fingers while they're waiting in line for everyone to get dropped off. I don't know if I'm missing part of the story because this kid seems nice to Josh whenever I see him, Josh went to his party a while ago and everything was fine. We even have plans to have a playdate on Tuesday!

But I was wondering who I should approach about this--Josh's teacher or this kid's mom. He says he tells the kid to stop and he doesn't, and he said the teachers see him do it but don't say anything, which is odd. His teachers have been great, from what I see. So anyway, wwyd?

I'm glad you wrote his teacher. I hope she keeps better watch.

Originally Posted by Gwenn

So...DH gave me a date he expects to fly home from FL and asked me to buy him a plane ticket! (We decided against him driving home due to gas prices at the moment). It's earlier than I expected, too, which is fabulous news!

So I got excited and called up a friend who is a power shopper to take me out and help me find something to wear to the airport. I have my own style but I'm a little laid back/bohemian and I'm not the one who dresses to impress the boys. So I brought a friend with fabulous (and expensive) taste.

I found a top I really liked - no sleeves but straps and a black and white design. Fancy but with a cardigan on top I could wear it to work and it would be classy. I tried it on and it was very cute. And my friend picked out a dress for me that I would never, ever, have thought to try on but she and the sales girl made me - and it looked fabulous. Just cut in a way that it showed off curves I didn't think I had. They talked me into buying it - I actually bought both because I figure I could wear the top to work so it wouldn't be a one time purchase. But I'm not sure the dress is the thing to wear to the airport in the middle of the day on a weekend. I think I'd be better off in the top and saving the dress for going out to dinner somewhere nice, which we will likely do to celebrate having him home. But it would make a much nicer first impression than the top and pants. What do you guys think? Or do any of you care?

About dh coming home!!

the dress too!

Jessica is participating in a study through Cornell about adolescents and sex. They're not sharing any info with me.

So far Jesi has filled out a huge packet and has received 2 or 3 follow-up phone calls.

**missychrissy** · 03-12-2011, 03:41 PM

Sorry I wasn't here to answer your post Kate, I had such an emotionally draining week at work, I came home Friday and just napped nearly the entire evening. I got up and went to bed and watched mindless tv. I was so crabby I couldn't even stand myself.

My father's wife is driving me freaking crazy about the darned computer I worked on for her. She was having issues with her email after I returned it to her. I told her she could download Teamviewer so I could work on it from home or wait until Friday night (last night) till I could come over. She opted to download the Teamviewer and although she has downloaded 100 or more games on her own, I had to talk her through step-by-step how to do it. While I was at work. As soon as it was installed, she expected me to connect and do it right then!

I can't use Teamviewer from work. First, I'm at work! I'm not paid to work on my family's computers (although if I have nothing else to do, my boss doesn't object if I have someone's in the office with me). I also cannot use that software from a Cornell network because it's free for personal use only. If I downloaded it onto a Cornell computer, Cornell would have to pay a hefty license fee for it, which they're not going to do so I can work on family/friend's computers. Der.

So Shelda (dad's wife) got irritated with me because I wouldn't do it right then and there. After I was home that night I texted her and said I was ready to use Teamviewer if she was. She had decided throughout the day that since she was having so much problems with her computer, she decided to buy a laptop. Whatever.

So this morning I woke up to an email from her that says, "I wish I never put money into this comp are half of my program do not work and I have to shut it down then some time that doesnt work I cant wait for my new laptop"

What is she saying? It reads to me like she wants me to refund her $ but I wrote back and make it clear that wasn't going to happen. Later she said she wasn't blaming me but was mad at herself. Uh huh...she was hoping I'd offer her the money back. I spent over 12 hours on it, I'm not refunding nothing.

And even later still she wrote yet again asking me to hold her check because between buying the new laptop and some car repairs she was short. Sorry, I already deposited your check woman. Now I'm waiting to see if she tries to stop payment on it. I'll have a stroke.

I am never working on someones computer on the side again. You wouldn't take your car to a mechanic and then later call and complain about it but refuse to let them look at it, then decide to just buy a new car and expect the mechanic to refund you. This woman is ridiculous.

**daylilies** · 03-12-2011, 05:30 PM

Sorry you had such a bad week, Chrissy. It's okay you weren't here to instantly answer my post, I'll forgive you this time.

It's so weird though, I think I mentioned we have a playdate planned for Tuesday with the kid (we planned it before I knew about this problem) and Josh still wants to go. I asked him and he said "Well I can still be friends with him!" I don't really understand that.
Waiting anxiously to hear from his teacher...and I was also supposed to hear about that DJ position yesterday, but didn't. They said they'd contact applicants a week after they apply, but I understand it's the weekend, and "a week" may not mean exactly a week anyway.

**Ky'sMom** · 03-12-2011, 05:59 PM

Kate, maybe it is some game they are playing with pulling back fingers and they aren't really trying to bully or hurt Josh. Kids do crazy things like that. I remember watching Judge Judy and they had a couple 9 year olds who were playing "Sack Tap." A game that involved smacking each others....testicles I'll say. They weren't trying to hurt each other but it was crazy kid stuff all the same.

When I was a kid we frequently gave each other Indian Burns and played some kind of game where we battled and pushed back each others hands until they hurt, the person who lost would have to give up. I was friends with all those kids for years, we just did things like that for some unknown reason.

I would talk to the kid's mom about it and the teacher so they are more aware of what is going on.

Erin

**daylilies** · 03-12-2011, 06:10 PM

It's one thing if they're doing it to each other and both are okay with it but Josh has told him to stop.

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