Secular Confessions

[Gwenn]

You're 100% right, and I strongly suspect that my disappointment in DH is more a reflection of my character than his. That's why I keep a lot of thoughts to myself. I am afraid I have the tendency to be dissatisfied a lot of the time. I am working on it.

That said, DH has won on a huge number of big ticket battles that still stick in my craw. For example, he has completely controlled how we fall asleep at night. I used to read myself to sleep at night every night. With him it's lights out, total silence - non-negotiable. A little book light doesn't work because he still hears the ruffle of pages. A laptop fan is too loud for him (and the screen's too bright anyway). The iPhone has really helped because I can kind of make a tent over my head with a sheet at night and still compute on my phone.

He made me sell my Volvo convertible, my pre-Steve car, which I still miss terribly. Her name was maggiemillymollymay. He put his foot down for a long time about having a professional housecleaner, even though I've always had the higher income and wanted to pay for it out of my "slush fund". We have to visit his family every year, which means the funds and time off I would normally use for one of the annual international jaunts I used to take get eaten up by that. I tried to ask him if I can stay home, even for half the time we normally go out to visit his family, and that was the one time he threatened to divorce me. In general, I feel like I have been the calm one because he has the more forceful, hot-tempered personality.

Then again, maybe he feels the same way about me. I can be pretty stubborn and argumentative too.

Based just on what you have posted here, it sounds as though the compromises are not even. Is there a way for the two of you to set aside time to talk that through calmly?

[missychrissy]

Based just on what you have posted here, it sounds as though the compromises are not even. Is there a way for the two of you to set aside time to talk that through calmly?

I agree. From what you posted, it sounds very one-sided.

[Cosmosmom]

We keep it a balmy 71 here. It's positively tropical compared to what I grew up with--mom would turn it to 68 during the day and like 62 at night. I remember soaking my hands in warm water just to warm up And I don't want Josh to have to do that.
Oooh, if I cheated on my diet during the weekend I'd never get back on track. I try to be good 7 days a week. I'd rather cheat a little once a day (have a drink or two at night, usually) than wait until the weekend, because I'd end up binging.
So technically with all those extra points, couldn't you just use them up during the day? Like if you get 49 a week, just use 7 extra points a day?

Wow, that is more like my summer temp for the AC...well I think that was 72 last year. Winter, dh had 66 but I kicked it to 67. It's nice because I run the fireplace in the living room so I'm warmer watching TV and reading....but the bedroom where he is sleeping is cooler and he likes that. So it works out well.


Yeah There are days when I would go over 41 and than I dig into the extra. And technically you get points for exercise too so if you really needed to, you could use those after the weekly 49 is gone....though they suggest you try to not do that as you won't lose quite as much.

All this talk is getting me more motivated for getting back on track on Monday!

[Cosmosmom]

I wonder if you asked him what he has compromised for you....what he would say. Has there been a lot?

It's interesting to think about because in many ways I give in to mine a LOT. We have the same sleeping issues and the only time I get my way with the TV is when he works. I give in to him most of the time when it comes to decorating the house and furniture placement...for a man he cares WAY more about decorating than I could have imagined. I give in to him about money and usually let him control it and have final say. And I'm the one who makes more money. I would even guess that our families would say that I compromise more than he does.

But than I can also look and say from his perspective that he's given up things too...like a job in his field when we moved where we did for my dream job. And the adoption is a huge one...he wants a kid but knows I really NEED to have one and so for him to agree to this is huge....it's not adoption itself, it's the money. And he deals with how close I am to my family. Pretty much every day I talk to either my mom, dad or sister...and most days I call his mom too.

[missychrissy]

I was motivated to behave better about food too...till I got home and learned my baby girl, Sydney, has started her period like months ago! So, we celebrated (us girls) by going to the Dollar General and stocking up on pez (pads), tampons, and chocolate.


I talked to Rich about the whole compromise and biting of the tongue that I see a lot of women do tonight. He spoke up and said he'd never want me to be afraid to say what was on my mind. And he cannot think of any instance where he was 'afraid' to tell me what he thought.

[daylilies]

Aw, congrats to Sydney! I'd been wondering how she was doing...we heard all about Jess's and Bobbie's antics, but Sydney has been quiet, which is probably a good thing

[demigraf]

For some reason, hearing Sydney's news made me think of that song that goes: "Girl. You'll be a woman. Soon..." LOL. Congrats to your little girl.

Y'know, I thought about asking my DH about what compromises he's made for me, and I am racking my brain to think of the right time to do it. And wow, I can't see myself asking him to assess "us" in any way right now. I feel like he'd get defensive even if talking about what he's done for me. Even on a normal night like tonight, where we both had good days and went to a nice dinner out with Bodhi, I just want to put my feet up and avoid a deep conversation with him because it would open up a can of worms (or list of grievances from each of us). I never thought about this (maybe because I'm arrogant and feel like I have all the real power in the relationship), but he nevertheless has me on eggshells around him because of his volatile, defensive personality. The usual caveats apply, like he's not that bad and he's got so much integrity and is a patient dad, but I think we've gotta work on how we communicate. Dammit, guys! My marriage needs help afterall.

[3andMe]

I watch what I say and how I say it to dh all the time. I am not hesitant to bring up issues, but I don't want to be careless to the effect that words have.

[missychrissy]

Aw, congrats to Sydney! I'd been wondering how she was doing...we heard all about Jess's and Bobbie's antics, but Sydney has been quiet, which is probably a good thing

She has, and it is. I keep looking at her and saying, "You don't need to repeat what your sisters have done." She laughs at me and says, "no way! I promise I won't!" Last night she called me when I was on the bus and asked if she could start dinner. I was stunned! And happy. Of course I said yes. She made tuna noodle casserole all by herself. I only had to help her determine if the noodles were done.

For some reason, hearing Sydney's news made me think of that song that goes: "Girl. You'll be a woman. Soon..." LOL. Congrats to your little girl.

Y'know, I thought about asking my DH about what compromises he's made for me, and I am racking my brain to think of the right time to do it. And wow, I can't see myself asking him to assess "us" in any way right now. I feel like he'd get defensive even if talking about what he's done for me. Even on a normal night like tonight, where we both had good days and went to a nice dinner out with Bodhi, I just want to put my feet up and avoid a deep conversation with him because it would open up a can of worms (or list of grievances from each of us). I never thought about this (maybe because I'm arrogant and feel like I have all the real power in the relationship), but he nevertheless has me on eggshells around him because of his volatile, defensive personality. The usual caveats apply, like he's not that bad and he's got so much integrity and is a patient dad, but I think we've gotta work on how we communicate. Dammit, guys! My marriage needs help afterall.

No ones marriage is perfect. We just went through an awful time with Rich's drinking/sleeping pattern. Even though everything is fine now, I still have concerns. Did I stay when I shouldn't have? He got very verbally aggressive with the girls through that period and I never thought I'd be with someone that talked to them the way he did. Why did I put up with it? And my worse fear...will it happen again?

I watch what I say and how I say it to dh all the time. I am not hesitant to bring up issues, but I don't want to be careless to the effect that words have.

I know I could do better in this area. I'm not a raging lunatic on a daily or even weekly basis, but if something bothers me suddenly and intently, I don't choose my words as carefully as I know I should. Even my brother has witnessed it and said something to my mom. My mom made an offhand remark to Rich about my temper recently and Rich just shrugged and said, "I'm used to it. It doesn't bother me, I don't take it personally." I can't tell you how awful that made me feel.

[Bridget]

Dbf has given up far more tangible things than me. He gave up living in Hawaii, his tourism buisness, his easy lifestyle and ability to make a living and not have to worry about money. He used his life savings to move us over here. I don't think I'd have survived the lifestyle though. Him out at the clubs, and at beaches with young beautiful tourists every day and me at home with the kids.
What I gave up can't be measured. And also isn't really his fault. I should have gotten to know him better before I started having our children.
I'm starting to feel, for the first time since he cheated, that our relationship might survive.

Today is my mom's birthday.

[daylilies]

Bridget. Happy birthday to your mom. And I'm so happy that things are going so well with dbf.
I agree, DH and I really should have had a conversation about children before we had one. I had this very romanticized version of parenthood in my head. I can't even describe it now, as I sit here trying to type out what I mean. I guess I was just very naive about the whole thing. I thought we'd make a better team but it seems like we are just always butting heads on parenting issues.

[Cosmosmom]

I watch what I say and how I say it to dh all the time. I am not hesitant to bring up issues, but I don't want to be careless to the effect that words have.

Yes that is well put. That is exactly what I do since mine is VERY sensitive and it would be very easy to hurt his feelings after years with an emotionally abusive stepfather......

[Cosmosmom]

It's always easier to look back and think of things that we should have done differently. I wish that we HADN'T spent so much time talking about having kids and waiting until the timing was right. I mean I was only 29 when we really started trying and even though the tests came back ok for me, there is always that what if I did wait a bit too long and maybe when I was 25, it would have worked.

[missychrissy]

Rich is very secure in himself. Maybe that's where I have it lucky because I can have a rotten day and just 'let it all out' and he doesn't take it personally. Although, there have been times when I felt very alone in my stress and if I say so, that seems to be a hot-button issue with him. He doesn't say anything, just lets me worry by myself and almost never comes up with any solutions. There are times when I feel tremendous pressure because of that.

[missychrissy]

It's always easier to look back and think of things that we should have done differently. I wish that we HADN'T spent so much time talking about having kids and waiting until the timing was right. I mean I was only 29 when we really started trying and even though the tests came back ok for me, there is always that what if I did wait a bit too long and maybe when I was 25, it would have worked.

You can't know that for sure. And spending time thinking "I should've, would've, could've" is a waste. It will only make you feel bad and will contribute nothing positive.

[demigraf]

Happy birthday to your mom, Bridge.

I've been thinking about our discussion more and I think it's becoming more clear that I'm an avoider when it comes to the important things. I am very direct and blunt with my friends and people I run into everyday, and I think I've had to learn to censor myself over the years (particularly my corny/inappropriate sense of humor). But when it comes to getting into something deep, it takes me forever. I had to work up to telling my dad my feelings that he shouldn't drive anymore. Didn't want to hurt his feelings. And with DH, I just feel I should have clarity before getting into things with him. I don't have the clarity, maybe because I'm torn between my strong objections to certain things and my not wanting to be the wife who constantly belittles and criticizes her husband.

Chrissy, I think I've had the same intense type of doubts, although not for the same reasons.

[missychrissy]

I too have been thinking about our relationship since this whole conversation started. I'm sure I'm not belittling even when I lose it...and I have to say, it's not often when I do. I have been very vocal about refusing to stay with him if he continued drinking. I didn't put him down for it, but listed all the reasons why it wasn't working for me. I did it in a way that was assertive, but I don't think it was inappropriate. That's the most recent issue that I can think of that made me 'lose it' in any way with Rich.

[Gwenn]

Bridget, thinking of you today. And I am glad to hear things are going so well with DBF.

Jennifer, I have those same what-if worries about waiting too long. I think buried somewhere inside I am angry with DH for taking so long before he was ready for marriage, but I really can't blame him for it. He proposed my last semester of graduate school and we got married that summer. If he had been ready earlier, either we would still have waited until I was through school and the result would have been the same, or we would have been married earlier and maybe I never would have finished school. And no matter what else has happened in my life I really feel that my profession is a calling and I wouldn't want to do anything else. So I really can't blame him for waiting.

As for communication, I've had similar issues to Chrissy's and I also think my biggest worries are that I tolerated too much from him, and that it will happen again. That said, things are going well right now despite (perhaps because?) of his being away. I make an effort to be truthful and open with him in our relationship but I do pick my words carefully because he is also very sensitive emotionally. I've had him get really upset over things that to me seem tiny. But I've never held anything back from him, except when he WAS drinking too much and I was making serious plans to leave. I told him I would leave if he didn't stop drinking, but I did not let him know I was actually planning things out. He stopped before I got to that point so I'm not going to bring it up now.

Oh, and . I'm here again this morning. I took a personal day because they cancelled all my appointments at work due to the water situation and I've been there such a short time I don't have much work yet. I've completed all the paperwork I need for the next week and a half already and I just wasn't up to going in to sit around with no plumbing and no work to do.

[missychrissy]

I don't blame you Mandy. I wouldn't wanna suffer without water and flushing toilets and nothing to do wither.

I can't believe I forgot to post about this. I apologize in advance, I'm afraid it will run rather long, but it's absolutely stunning to me how awful my kids' school (Candor) is. Bobbie is a senior and yesterday they went to see the play Hamlet somewhere. There was another school in attendance. Apparently, the dressing room was behind the audience and the actors had to walk past them to get to the changing rooms. A bunch of kids from Bobbie's school made awful, inappropriate remarks to one of the actors about his tights and 'package'. I guess it continued and was very loud, and the actor walked back to them and told them about themselves. A student from the other school that was also in attendance stood up and said, "On behalf of all the students here, I feel I need to make an apology. Those remarks were completely inappropriate and I'm sorry."

Bobbie said she was mortified and humiliated to be seen with them. The teacher, who is usually laid back, easy going, and extremely friendly, really lost it on the bus and screamed at them. Bobbie said she's never seen her like that, and even though she knew she didn't do anything wrong, the teacher was so pissed even Bobbie felt scared. She doesn't blame her for getting that angry though...she totally understood why the teacher reacted that way.

I mean...come on! How does this happen? How do kids get to the point where they have no filter on their mouths? I knew they were bad as a school, but even I was stunned at how bad they can be.

[demigraf]

That's a huge question, Chrissy. From my observations, I think it often takes just one really controlling, aggressive kid to set the tone for a lot of the more sheep-like ones. As a parent, one has to teach her kids to a) not be that jerk alpha type and b) not just go along with what the status quo is doing if it strikes them as wrong.

[missychrissy]

Yeah, I guess I know how it happens...my questions were more incredulous rhetoric. I still cannot get over how different the Candor community is from Owego (where we moved from). They're only 15 miles apart, and Owego isn't a large village by any means. It's population is somewhere around 4,000. But the level of arrogance and ignorance between the two communities is astonishing.

[missychrissy]

Candor is largely tea party types. That's why their kids act like they do.

[Cosmosmom]

I don't know...kids do stupid things. I was once on a trip with french class to see the huge Monet exhibit at the art institute in Chicago. When we left, we had to swing by the JAIL and pick up a classmate who was caught trying to scalp his ticket on the steps of the museum. OMG was Madame LIVID.

And than when I was a senior, orchestra was playing at Carnegie Hall and we were at a hotel right in Times Square. It wasn't my school but there were other schools staying there...and the hotel was sort of in a square and the rooms looked to the inside common area and we weren't too far up and below was a roof. Kids were throwing sh8t out the window to the roof or trying to hit other kids windows. Things like bibles, phone books....that sort of stuff. It was awful.

[Cosmosmom]

My BFF is on maternity leave and has been watching a lot of wife swap and asked who I thought I would be swapped out with. I said my worst nightmare and would drive me the most insane would to be with a bunch of far right Sarah Palin lovers, gun toting, war loving, hard core christians (the crazy ones...not the nice sane ones).

Candor is largely tea party types. That's why their kids act like they do.

[Cosmosmom]

So um Tony was actually saying that we didn't have to wait for the adoption!!!!! So I emailed the social worker and instead of the May/June group, we can do the March/April group if we want. I have the dates now and times of the classes....sucks that we have to take 30 hours of classes...and most of the hours are weekdays so that means we probably each have to take off 3 days of work. So we are going to check our schedules this weekend but I'm thinking that we should be good to go for the March/April group!

[Gwenn]

So um Tony was actually saying that we didn't have to wait for the adoption!!!!! So I emailed the social worker and instead of the May/June group, we can do the March/April group if we want. I have the dates now and times of the classes....sucks that we have to take 30 hours of classes...and most of the hours are weekdays so that means we probably each have to take off 3 days of work. So we are going to check our schedules this weekend but I'm thinking that we should be good to go for the March/April group!

That's really wonderful news!

[Cosmosmom]

Mandy, I would have stayed home too! No bathroom access is like one of my biggest fears and the main reason I sometimes get panic attacks if I'm stuff in a really bad traffic jam.

[The10Eels]

I confess there is a Green Bay Packers player that went to my high school. I have seen him on tv play many times, and I still know I am going to be super excited to see him play on Sunday!

[demigraf]

So um Tony was actually saying that we didn't have to wait for the adoption!!!!! So I emailed the social worker and instead of the May/June group, we can do the March/April group if we want. I have the dates now and times of the classes....sucks that we have to take 30 hours of classes...and most of the hours are weekdays so that means we probably each have to take off 3 days of work. So we are going to check our schedules this weekend but I'm thinking that we should be good to go for the March/April group!

Whoo hoo!!

[missychrissy]

Yay Jennifer!!!

Oh Ashley, do tell! What's his name?