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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #12361

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    I also say go with the home birth. It does seem like something you really want and with your friends and a doula you will have plenty of support without him.

    He is making himself seem like such an ass. I can imagine how exasperating he is for you. F him and go with the birth that you want. You be selfish with this decision and don't even think about him. I agreee with the above, that he will find something to complain about in whatever birthing situation you want, so just do what you want and F him.

    Erin

  2. #12362
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    Well said Erin. F him.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  3. #12363

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    I agree with Erin too. I thought about it all night and I'm doing it. Because like you all said, he won't be involved in a hospital birth either. That is probably why he's terrified of the idea of homebirth. He's afraid he will be forced to be more involved. He stayed by my head during Savana and Kai's births. Actually, he fell asleep in the chair while I was in labor with Kai.
    I understand he's skeeved by the whole thing. But he goes about everything in such a rude, offensive way. If makes me feel defensive, hurt, and alone.
    And his other huge argument is that the hospital birth is totally covered by insurance while the homebirth is only partial.

  4. #12364
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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    I am thinking that I will have to get a doula no matter what. It might even be better for dbf to hang with the kids (though I'm not sure wild horses will be able to keep Savana out of the room) and me just be with my midwife and doula.

    good idea. you want your father there, and who else would take the kids then?

    your dbf doesn't even understand what he is missing
    Just Midge

  5. #12365
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    I agree. F him.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  6. #12366
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    I agree, you should do what you really want. You have had two kids before so you at least know what you are getting into. Though you could always give and go to the hospital and than hold it over his head. Would the hospital be bad? I know ours is building a new building so if I did end up pg, I would go there the drawings I have seen are really nice and the rooms all have tubs to labor in and if you are not high risk, you can have a midwife (we have them on staff).

    My DH is great.....but there is NO way he would support a home birth. Pigs would have to fly first. I don't know if I would even let him be in the delivery room. I would rather have my mom or my sister or his mom. Labor he might be able to handle until someone else could get up here....it's a 4.5-6 hour drive. But he's passed out before because I was in pain and pretty much passes out for blood tests. I don't need him passing out and getting the attention that should be mine.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  7. #12367
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    I agree, you should do what you really want. You have had two kids before so you at least know what you are getting into. Though you could always give and go to the hospital and than hold it over his head. Would the hospital be bad? I know ours is building a new building so if I did end up pg, I would go there the drawings I have seen are really nice and the rooms all have tubs to labor in and if you are not high risk, you can have a midwife (we have them on staff).

    My DH is great.....but there is NO way he would support a home birth. Pigs would have to fly first. I don't know if I would even let him be in the delivery room. I would rather have my mom or my sister or his mom. Labor he might be able to handle until someone else could get up here....it's a 4.5-6 hour drive. But he's passed out before because I was in pain and pretty much passes out for blood tests. I don't need him passing out and getting the attention that should be mine.
    when what you really want is a home birth, a hospital is bad (from my perspective)
    For me, after having two homebirths, I would rather walk on hot coals than go to the hospital for something non-emergency.
    Just Midge

  8. #12368

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    Quote Originally Posted by midgeend View Post
    when what you really want is a home birth, a hospital is bad (from my perspective)
    For me, after having two homebirths, I would rather walk on hot coals than go to the hospital for something non-emergency.
    I feel like I shouldn't be saying this, since my hospital kept Robbie alive, but yes. Hospitals are bad. I very, very strongly believe that so many women would be better off if they kept doctors and hospital far away from their bodies. I recommend anybody who wants to know why hospitals are "bad" watch The Business of Being Born.

    Dh is too scared of me dying to let me have a home birth, but we wanted a natural one at the hospital, and I hoped with future babies we could be in a birthing center. But looks like we will probably always be stuck in the hospital with the nicu team standing by. Now my big birthing goal is just to have a drug free vaginal delivery.

    "We cannot withhold facts for fear of offending because the importance of the information outweighs people's right to not be challenged in their beliefs." -Maddy Reid
    In memory of all APA babies gone too soon; always loved and never forgotten

  9. #12369
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shanna(h) View Post
    I feel like I shouldn't be saying this, since my hospital kept Robbie alive, but yes. Hospitals are bad. I very, very strongly believe that so many women would be better off if they kept doctors and hospital far away from their bodies. I recommend anybody who wants to know why hospitals are "bad" watch The Business of Being Born.

    Dh is too scared of me dying to let me have a home birth, but we wanted a natural one at the hospital, and I hoped with future babies we could be in a birthing center. But looks like we will probably always be stuck in the hospital with the nicu team standing by. Now my big birthing goal is just to have a drug free vaginal delivery.
    I know what you mean. I'd do almost anything to have a home birth, but due to the fact that I had 2 previous c-sections I really didn't dare try it.

    Bridget, if that's what your heart desires, I really think you should go with it. Your dbf will either be supportive or he won't, but I suspect he'll behave whichever way floats his boat at the moment regardless of where you give birth.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  10. #12370

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    I think you should do what you WANT. Me, I'm more leaning toward just staying home and having our midwife come here instead of going in to her birth center. It's a five minute difference (maybe ten if I needed an ambulance) to get to the hospital, and honestly, I just can't imagine WANTING to leave my house in late labor. I'm thinking I should just plan for a home birth because otherwise I'm afraid my poor husband will be trying to drag my laboring ass out the door to get to the birth center. He's all for it, so I figure I may as well set expectations properly. If I'm in labor and I WANT to go to the birth center instead, I'm sure the mw will accomodate that.



  11. #12371

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    I'm curious, say a pregnant woman passed on the development tests early on (I forget what they're called) that detect Down's, or spina bifida, and they ended up having a home birth. Isn't there a risk in getting that child to a hospital in time that specializes in that kind of stuff, especially if you live in the boonies?
    I'm pretty sure that if I'd been born at home (especially 30 years ago) I wouldn't be alive. I needed care pretty quickly.
    Forgive me if this is an offensive or dumb question--I'm truly curious.

  12. #12372

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    Sure. There's always a risk. There's a risk that baby could have an un-IDed disorder (whether you have testing done or not) that could precipitate care. Most issues can be dealt with by a nurse midwife until EMT folks get there, or you get to a hospital. There's also a risk of an issue with mom that's unexpected. Or an "accident" (i.e. cord) during birth.

    But most, and I mean almost all, issues can be seen early in labor, at which point mom's transferred to the hospital anyway (by a responsible midwife). I think the biggest deal is that your midwife should be a trained, certified NURSE midwife. Lay midwives freak me out and I'd never have one. I'd also never have a home birth if I were more than a few miles from a hospital. But even though we're in the boonies, our baby-mama hospital is less than five miles from us.



  13. #12373

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    Also, most issues that are baby-health related are IDed by birth, and very few moms refuse the 20-22 week ultrasound, which picks up most abnormalities, including heart, etc.



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    Quote Originally Posted by Shanna(h) View Post
    Go for the home birth. I don't think I'll ever get one, so I need to live vicariously through my apa mommas! At the very least I would go to a birthing center, not the hospital.
    lol.. This..
    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    Well said Erin. F him.
    and this times a million!

  15. #12375
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    Quote Originally Posted by midgeend View Post
    when what you really want is a home birth, a hospital is bad (from my perspective)
    For me, after having two homebirths, I would rather walk on hot coals than go to the hospital for something non-emergency.
    that does make sense....they are two different things and one can't really do both at the same time. I was just more getting at why a hospital one would be so horrible and awful.

    You had a great birth story and obviously had support from your DH. But would it have worked if he hadn't been supportive?

    I do work in the hospital though so I feel somewhat comfortable here (though being a patient is a lot different than being in my office!). and I have heard that the midwives we have are great and natural is possible and encouraged.
    It just seems like a good experience could be had at the hospital too.....

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  16. #12376

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    Thanks Stacy, that makes sense.
    And for some reason I forgot that most things like that can be seen by ultrasound. I'm just remembering that when I was born they had no idea until then that I had spina bifida but obviously a lot has changed since then.

  17. #12377

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    Jennifer, no offense, you work in a hospital but I don't think you've birthed in one.

    I've birthed twice in a hospital, and for a woman who wants to experience a natural birth, particularly one who's already successfully done it twice and has very clear views on what she wants and doesn't want, a hospital birth DOES suck. People are constantly trying to jam you and your labor/delivery into their hospital procedure/risk protocol and simply having to THINK about arguing to get what you want is sucky, let alone the other bits. Like being in a medicalized environment for something that shouldn't be medicalized unless, well, someone is ill or dying, in which case, well, that's what hospitals are for. Or like being in a tiny, unfamiliar little space instead of the peace of your own home.

    I want to garden and cook until the last bits of my labor, when I can't. I want to chill in my tub and let my kid bring me cool drinks and pour water on my head (he loves to do this when I'm in the tub).

    And finally, it is MUCH more difficult to get through labor without meds or unecessary intervention when you're in the hospital - even with the best of hospitals and best of caregivers.



  18. #12378

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    That said, Oscar's birth didn't suck, but my midwives (who encouraged natural birth) were no match for the shift nurse who called anesthesiology at the first sign of me screaming - which, well, women DO in labor



  19. #12379

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    I certainly don't feel hospital births are horrible, though mine left much to be desired. My issue with dbf is not one of hospital vs home. My issue is his lack of effort to educate himself, his lack of support, his lack of enthusiasm. He knows how important this is to me. He knows that I feel like I want to surround myself with strong, like minded women because I know I will be feeling my mom's absence horribly. He doesn't have one intelligent argument against doing it. He just thinks that a hospital birth would be "easier". For him.
    I support all his choices. I support him even when I don't think it's the best choice because he's a grown man and I want him to do what he feels is right for him, even when his choices affect us both. He works odd jobs and plays poker for a living. It leaves us living month to month with what money comes in, never knowing for sure how much it will be. It's not ideal but it's what he needs to do to feel happy so I support that. I just feel like he could do the same for me that I do for him.
    Last edited by Bridget; 07-13-2010 at 11:18 AM.

  20. Default

    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    it is MUCH more difficult to get through labor without meds or unecessary intervention when you're in the hospital - even with the best of hospitals and best of caregivers.
    This is very true! of my experience at least.

    When I was in labor with Audri the staff at the hospital was really cool about letting me labor on my own, and didn't even mention an epi until I had been there for 6+ hours..

    After that I was getting pitocin, and an epidural, and all sorts of crap shoved at me... and I was uneducated so I went with what they told me. I still to this day believe my birth would have been WAY different had I really been educated prior to delivery, and stood my ground... (and not tried to self-induce.... stupid me...)

  21. #12381

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    Yep, I think my whole thing was 'the doctors know best'. The doctors have known best since I was born so I guess it didn't even occur to me to have my own opinion. I just wanted Josh and myself to be safe and healthy and I thought the doctors knew the best way to ensure that.
    My situation is vastly different from average, so I'm just talking out my ass right now. LOL

  22. #12382

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    Hey! I didn't know we could say ass!
    My drug free birth with Kai in the hospital was me just zoning everyone out. The nurses were very annoyed when I got up from the bed, when my water broke all over the floor instead of in the bed. A couple of them laughed at me and said, "We'll see," when I said I wanted no meds and when the dr poked her head in she asked me if I was crazy. And then with dbf snoring in the chair next to me....
    I guess I can't be any more on my own than I was there, huh?
    At least I knew Savana was safe and happy with my mom. That brought a lot of comfort to me.

  23. #12383

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    Quote Originally Posted by The10Eels View Post
    This is very true! of my experience at least.

    When I was in labor with Audri the staff at the hospital was really cool about letting me labor on my own, and didn't even mention an epi until I had been there for 6+ hours..

    After that I was getting pitocin, and an epidural, and all sorts of crap shoved at me... and I was uneducated so I went with what they told me. I still to this day believe my birth would have been WAY different had I really been educated prior to delivery, and stood my ground... (and not tried to self-induce.... stupid me...)
    What did you do to self-induce?

  24. #12384

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    LOL Bridget, I didn't know we could either, TBH.

  25. #12385
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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    Jennifer, no offense, you work in a hospital but I don't think you've birthed in one.

    I've birthed twice in a hospital, and for a woman who wants to experience a natural birth, particularly one who's already successfully done it twice and has very clear views on what she wants and doesn't want, a hospital birth DOES suck. People are constantly trying to jam you and your labor/delivery into their hospital procedure/risk protocol and simply having to THINK about arguing to get what you want is sucky, let alone the other bits. Like being in a medicalized environment for something that shouldn't be medicalized unless, well, someone is ill or dying, in which case, well, that's what hospitals are for. Or like being in a tiny, unfamiliar little space instead of the peace of your own home.

    I want to garden and cook until the last bits of my labor, when I can't. I want to chill in my tub and let my kid bring me cool drinks and pour water on my head (he loves to do this when I'm in the tub).

    And finally, it is MUCH more difficult to get through labor without meds or unecessary intervention when you're in the hospital - even with the best of hospitals and best of caregivers.
    Obviously since I don't have kids, I haven't given birth. I have only spent time thinking about what I personally would want from the experience....and know a little bit about our hospital having talked with some who have given birth here and having worked with the midwives. It really probably differs a lot at various hospitals.
    If someone really wants a home birth, that is great, they should go for it! I just don't think that it is for everyone or that a hospital one has to be an awful rotten experience.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  26. #12386

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    Bridget, I really hope you get the birth you want. And I hope you can put together a good support team that makes you feel comfortable.

  27. Default

    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    What did you do to self-induce?
    Castor oil... all it did was give me the sh!ts... and the cramps from that broke my water... didn't even cause contractions which is why I ultimately got the pitocin

  28. #12388

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    Jennifer like I said, no offense. I don't make any presumptions. After my first, I'd birthed in a hospital, but I had no living kids.

    Bridget, the bottom line is that even though DBF SHOULD get out of his own way and support you no matter what, he's pretty **** unlikely to do that. SO this is all about YOU, which really it is anyway, since he's not giving birth. You are. Do it your way and to hell with him. If he's going to step up and support you he's going to do it (or not) no matter your birthing choices. Right?

    Dammit I wish I lived nearby. I'd come hang with the kids (jesus there would be four of them by then) or take them to my place while you were birthing.



  29. #12389

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    We can say ass but not ****. Duh. Secular forum anyone?



  30. #12390
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    Stupid unrelated question...is nudity a morality issue? If I saw naked people at a nude beach, I wouldn't assume they were immoral, so imo, it's not a morality issue. It's a personal comfort issue.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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