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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #9001
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    Gorgeous pic!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  2. #9002

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    Lovely.



  3. #9003
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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post

    3) I have to comment to Cosmosmom (below), and again, I'm going to get some and some "aren't you an entitled idealist" looks (I can't find an emoticon for that one!) but life is only full of sacrifices because we create them. If you would love to be home to see your family more often, do it. There is nothing between you and creating the life you want except yourself and your preconceived notions of what your life is supposed to be, as prescribed by society. I know this acutely, because I went from working 80oddass hours a week for 18 years to "grow" my career (which I did quite well) and feeling like I could never get out of the workaholic bind I was in (because I wouldn't be able to afford food, health insurance, you name it) to jumping ship to create my own consulting company, all because Jasper's death said to me "you are going about this all backwards and you're going to regret this life when you're done with it unless you change things NOW." It's been wicked hard in a lot of ways. I've lost a lot of money, I've made a lot of money, I've had to learn to be okay with uncertainty and all flavors of ups and downs, but in the end - every single second has been worth it because both my husband and I have been able to be together, and with Oscar. And now with this new person.

    ]
    I would agree with that. I can't see ever working THAT much for a career. I do a 40 hour week. My DH did have a job with travel in it and we hated it. He could have had a job making 100K a year in Texas in oil but we didn't want to move to TX and it would have required him to be gone pretty much all the time (and he was against the big oil thing since he's an green guy). Instead he works for about 25K a year in a factory.
    All our family is in the Milwaukee to Chicago area. We are both close to our families.
    I found a great job that I really like on the other side of the state. It's about a five hour drive back home. Close enough to being able to see family in a weekend trip...but we would love to see the family more. I would just prefer them to all move by us...I don't want to want to live there again. Where we live now we have a lower cost of living, low crime rates, not really any traffic, decent schools if I ever did have kids...it's a REALLY nice place to live.

    I wish that I had more vacation days a year so we could go down there more often...but the trade off is we get to live in a town we really like, we can actually afford to build our first house and plan for it to be the only house.

    I like my job, it's not my life. I would love to just be with DH at home 24/7 or traveling....but on the other hand, we aren't lottery winners.

    I do believe in balance and just realize that there are trade off's....and that each person has different needs and priorities.

    Plus I think that DH is secretly relieved that my parents are at least a few hours away. ;) He likes them BUT I'm awfully close to them and talk to them daily as it is....and while my mom is great and would do a lot for us and he knows that...should be really involved (and even more if we had a grandkid for her).
    Thankfully he really likes my sister...the three of us do things together quite a bit and have even vacationed together.
    I adore his mom and we already have it planned out that if something went wrong between her and DH#3, she would move to our town (he's an only child).

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  4. #9004

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    Oh, I can't figure out why you said it was a problem that you had to speak some English. I think I'm having a blonde moment. LOL

  5. #9005

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    So, here's my weekly "gah" - Oscar's become a little obsessed with death this month. Totally normal stuff, like asking me whether I'll die, whether he'll die, whether everything dies, why things die, when we'll die, why I keep him from dying (and how). But last night he was pissed off at DH because he'd told him to stop trying to eat salt from the shaker (another obsession of Oscar's) and Oscar scratched him intentionally, so DH told him it was time for him to have some time in his room to cool down, until he could be kind again.

    Oscar yelled "I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU DIE!" Then later when I reinforced that he was still wild and needed more alone time until he was able to apologize and be kind he yelled "I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU DIE!" to me, too. And I know it's just him stretching his boundaries, learning what these words really mean, how powerful they are, etc. but...

    I confess, I was like, man, I don't feel like being a parent tonight. Once he was calm, I had to sit with him and explain that if mommy or daddy died like he had said, it would mean we would never, ever come back again. That that's what dying is. And he was clearly like and I hate those moments with kids, where you have to clarify for the sake of teaching age-appropriate stuff, but you wish they could not KNOW for just a little while longer.

    He went on to tell me about the "machine he has" (Oscar has many imaginary machines) that would make something that had died un-die and I had to nicely, but firmly, tell him that although that was a nice thing to pretend, it was simply not true, that when something had died, it had died. No machines required or possible. Gah.

    This will be an interesting month.
    Last edited by stash; 03-16-2010 at 09:32 AM.



  6. #9006
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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    If you have the opportunity to give birth, I highly suggest you reconsider this, and that you work on your husband to engage his fears. Birth is one of the most extraordinary things in life - even under difficult circumstances (I know this one from experience, too).
    Oh he will probably try...it's not that he is afraid...it's that he will literally pass out. He has done that for blood tests for himself...now we make them lie him down. The first time I saw him pass out was when I was getting a blood test and he was just hanging out with me.

    And according to the family, when I had surgery 5 years ago they were all there waiting with him...his mom and my parents who said his mom had to be there to keep him calm...and they said he was super grey the whole time and they thought he might pass out.

    Oh yeah and there was the time we were dating and I had a reaction to a drug and called him from the dorm to bring me to the ER....his mom had to come with and ended up driving because he was so grey.

    Poor DH...he is just NOT good with me in pain or blood or needles. But he was fantastic at taking care of me after surgery and even helped me use the bathroom.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  7. #9007
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    I hate talking about death to kids...I especially hate it when they're little. Conner said something about killing mommy a week or so ago and I took the coward's way out and let it go. I think you handled it perfectly.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  8. #9008

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    Chrissy, it's not the coward's way out. One comment like that doesn't (IMO) open up a whole discussion about death. With Oscar, it's become a theme lately and I know it's because he's thinking about it, and ready for more discussion, more information. And that not talking about it or acknowledging it would constitute avoidance in his mind. So I've GOT to talk about it and I HATE talking about it.

    Back to the secular theme, this is a time that I so wish I could say "oh, right, when you die you go to heaven and you'll see grandma beeb and little kitty and eat cake and sing songs." Wouldn't that be so EASY?



  9. #9009
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    3andMe is offline Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks? Hopelessly Devoted
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    Actually, there are machines that make people un-die, but only in particular circumstances.

    When I was about four years old, we had a pet bunny die. We buried it near our house, and my parents told me about death and decomposition. Later on my own, I went and dug the bunny up. I can still see her (poor little Milky Way), all dessicated and flat with her eyeballs missing and little holes in her leathery skin. That was a very thorough lesson in death to me.

    I know it will happen, but I dread the day one of my children wishes me dead. I think you've been doing a really good job handling it, and yes, I agree heaven would be easier.


  10. #9010

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    Lydia, I'm glad DH is more likely to be around for the birth. I know jobs are important, but I can't imagine having a baby, c/s or not, and being by myself and not having my DH there. I'm relieved on your behalf.

    Stash, hugs on the death theme with Oscar. Makes me wonder what conversations I might have in my future.

    I confess I'm home sick with a stupid spring cold. And I can't even seem to sleep.
    Krista & Jonathan: Liam, our one and only, born 9 Sep 2008



  11. #9011
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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    Back to the secular theme, this is a time that I so wish I could say "oh, right, when you die you go to heaven and you'll see grandma beeb and little kitty and eat cake and sing songs." Wouldn't that be so EASY?
    Yes, it would.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  12. #9012
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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    Back to the secular theme, this is a time that I so wish I could say "oh, right, when you die you go to heaven and you'll see grandma beeb and little kitty and eat cake and sing songs." Wouldn't that be so EASY?
    Indeed it would!

    I'm so not looking forward to death talks, either. I can't even wrap my brain around that one, yet.

    Quote Originally Posted by sunrider View Post
    I confess I'm home sick with a stupid spring cold. And I can't even seem to sleep.
    I hope you feel better soon!

    Quote Originally Posted by MammaMia View Post
    I just got back from my job interview. It went well and they seemed to really like me, but I had to speak some English and I know that will count against me. The job requires a lot of communication with parents, and I'm not sure I'm even capable of doing that in Icelandic.

    They also said they had over 60 applicants for the job. Unemployment really is high at the moment!
    That is a lot of applicants! Fingers crossed that you get the job.

    Janeen, lovely picture!

  13. #9013

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    Lydia, I'm holding out on the discussion of bringing the dead back to life (medically) until he gets the basics. Otherwise, I know my kid. He'll overthink it and convince himself everything can be made undead.

    I have to admit that it was slightly funny, being wished dead by a kid who is so totally caring and loving, in the context of knowing he had absolutely no idea what he was actually SAYING and was just "testing words." It wasn't so funny to have to have the follow-up convo, however.

    A side note, we let Oscar play the IPOD however he wants and he's gotten into the soundtrack for Jesus Christ Superstar lately. There's one song that talks about walking on water and making water into wine, and Oscar was singing it this week and said "who's Jesus?" And I was like "oh, right, he's a pretend guy that has superpowers, like underdog. You know, underdog can fly, and Jesus can walk on water and make water into wine. Pretty funny story, huh?"

    Oscar thought that was pretty funny and said "sorta like sasquatch, huh?"

    I love my kid.



  14. #9014
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    I confess that I have myself convinced that religion and all that goes with it is going to be one of my biggest challenges as a mother.

    What if my kid turns into a bible-pushing, hallelujah singing, Jesus praising, in church every Sunday kind of human?

    It drives me crazy just thinking it's a possibility!
    Janeen - 30, Jimi - 42; Married October 21st, 2006;


  15. #9015
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    Maybe I will be just have to be like the mom on The Waterboy and convince my kid that those things are bad, like the mom did with her son and girls.
    Janeen - 30, Jimi - 42; Married October 21st, 2006;


  16. #9016

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Oh, I can't figure out why you said it was a problem that you had to speak some English. I think I'm having a blonde moment. LOL
    I think she meant it was a problem speaking English because she couldn't remember the Icelandic terms for the words she needed to say and had to say them in English instead of Icelandic, and if she needs to talk to the parents, she needs to speak to them in Icelandic, not English. That was my take on it, anyway

    Sarah, I hope you get the job!

    Janeen, that was a gorgeous picture!!

    I confess that I'm not feeling well today, and I think I caught something from a "friend" of ours who came out on Saturday night and said she wasn't contagious, but since she was only on day 2 of her z-pack, I have a feeling she still was.
    Lauren (24) Clinton (30) - my life, my rock Praying for all the APA girls! My Blog

  17. #9017

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    Quote Originally Posted by Janeen View Post
    Maybe I will be just have to be like the mom on The Waterboy and convince my kid that those things are bad, like the mom did with her son and girls.
    I'm just working on leading Oscar to the truth by well, telling him the truth. Jesus is as close to Sasquatch as Underdog is to Superman, and when you tell it that way to a four year old it makes a LOAD more sense than "some people believe that there's this guy who had superpowers because he was the son of a guy who they believe created the earth and this place called heaven where all good dogs go when they die."



  18. #9018

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    Quote Originally Posted by addysonreese View Post
    I think she meant it was a problem speaking English because she couldn't remember the Icelandic terms for the words she needed to say and had to say them in English instead of Icelandic, and if she needs to talk to the parents, she needs to speak to them in Icelandic, not English. That was my take on it, anyway
    Oh, I think you're right! I get it now!
    Good luck Sarah!

  19. #9019

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    Quote Originally Posted by Janeen View Post
    Maybe I will be just have to be like the mom on The Waterboy and convince my kid that those things are bad, like the mom did with her son and girls.
    Like on South Park! "Religion is bad, mmkay?"

  20. #9020
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Like on South Park! "Religion is bad, mmkay?"
    Janeen - 30, Jimi - 42; Married October 21st, 2006;


  21. #9021

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    Savana has been talking about death a lot too! She's always saying how everything dies and how you have birthdays over and over again every single year until you die and then you don't have any more birthdays.
    We have a saltwater aquarium that she is really into and so sparked the death conversation because periodically we lose a fish. She really has an understanding of nature and animals dying. She's always like, "Back to Earth, right mom? Just like the pumpkins," as she watched them after Halloween sink back into the ground.

  22. #9022

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    I'm still not sure how to approach death with Josh. A lot of the Disney movies and everything have one death or another, and he knows MIL's fish died and he knows daddy likes to say the batteries "died" in something. But I haven't really explained what it means. I should probably get my act together and do that.

  23. #9023
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    I said something about Conner's train dying (meaning the batteries) and he burst into tears and cried like his heart was broken. I don't know who has talked to him, but he definitely had a concept of 'dying' being forever, and he thought his Thomas the Train was a gonner.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  24. #9024

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    Oh OOPS, Chrissy!

    Bridget, I think it's easier if your kids garden, you're engaged with nature, etc. Oscar understood my last miscarriage because we described the pregnancy as "a baby seed that might turn into a baby." When I miscarried, we explained that just like some of the sunflowers we planted last year, this seed didn't grow, so we'd need to plant another one. He got it. He was still disappointed, but it wasn't like something had DIED to him. Score one for me on thinking that through ahead of time. That said, we haven't told him yet this time

    I've told him that when things die, they rot. But he hasn't connected that with PEOPLE yet. Different when you're thinking about a pumpkin or an old fox who's been eating your chickens, another when it's your grandma.

    And actually, we don't do Disney movies for exactly that reason - I refuse to have animated flicks explaining important life concepts to my kids before they're ready, or before I get the chance to. Finding Nemo doesn't have the first scene in our house.



  25. #9025

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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    And actually, we don't do Disney movies for exactly that reason - I refuse to have animated flicks explaining important life concepts to my kids before they're ready, or before I get the chance to. Finding Nemo doesn't have the first scene in our house.
    That's what I have always hated about most Disney movies. There is always someone dying in them - usually the mother. I love Disney, I do have a fondness for a lot of the characters - Tinkerbell all the way!! - but why is it that a lot of the storylines have to be so depressing?? I get that they wanna put a lot of inside adult jokes that will be understood by the parents since they are most likely bringing their kids to see it, but what is with all the sadness?

    I'm off the soapbox now.
    Lauren (24) Clinton (30) - my life, my rock Praying for all the APA girls! My Blog

  26. #9026
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    I confess that I just went out to a pub quiz with a friend. We ended up on a team with this guy (who I'll call Jon) that I could have sworn I knew from somewhere, but I wasn't sure where. I could tell from the way he was looking at me that he was thinking the same thing, though neither of us brought it up.

    When I got home I looked him up on Facebook, and it turns out he's friends with this guy who went crazy and stalked me a few years ago. I really hope Jon doesn't tell his friend he met me, or that I have a daughter. Dammit, I even told him the street I live in! I feel nauseas just thinking about it.


  27. #9027
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    Quote Originally Posted by addysonreese View Post
    That's what I have always hated about most Disney movies. There is always someone dying in them - usually the mother. I love Disney, I do have a fondness for a lot of the characters - Tinkerbell all the way!! - but why is it that a lot of the storylines have to be so depressing?? I get that they wanna put a lot of inside adult jokes that will be understood by the parents since they are most likely bringing their kids to see it, but what is with all the sadness?

    I'm off the soapbox now.
    Another picture I ran across on my Photobucket today.

    Janeen - 30, Jimi - 42; Married October 21st, 2006;


  28. #9028

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    I think I told you all this story before. I don't remember it exactly but I'll paraphrase. My mom has talked to Savana about Jesus before and I'm okay with it because she just it like a story about a guy that lived a long time ago. Savana has asked me before if Jesus is still alive and I said no.
    So one of the little girls I take care of at the daycare was telling us her dog died and that her dad buried him in the back yard. When I mentioned it to the mom she was really aplogetic and said that dad thought it was something they could learn from. I told her no worries and shared what I thought was kind of cute when Savana said that V's dog went back to the earth just like Jesus and pumpkins. The mom was all, "Well, I hope you told her where Jesus really went."

  29. #9029

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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    I think I told you all this story before. I don't remember it exactly but I'll paraphrase. My mom has talked to Savana about Jesus before and I'm okay with it because she just it like a story about a guy that lived a long time ago. Savana has asked me before if Jesus is still alive and I said no.
    So one of the little girls I take care of at the daycare was telling us her dog died and that her dad buried him in the back yard. When I mentioned it to the mom she was really aplogetic and said that dad thought it was something they could learn from. I told her no worries and shared what I thought was kind of cute when Savana said that V's dog went back to the earth just like Jesus and pumpkins. The mom was all, "Well, I hope you told her where Jesus really went."
    LMAO
    How can anyone explain that the man became a zombie then disappeared...nightmares, I tell ya!
    Me: Julie-46 DH: Kelly-52 DD: Rhianna-17 DS: Gage-He's 3!

  30. #9030

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    Never mind . . .
    Last edited by sunrider; 03-16-2010 at 06:33 PM.
    Krista & Jonathan: Liam, our one and only, born 9 Sep 2008



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