Secular Confessions

[sunrider]

I honestly do wonder if it's really worth it. I mean I know I would love my child and I'm pretty sure I would like having one. Not quite as sure I would like to have a teenager.

I'm used to doing what I want, when I want and the only person we have to think about is the dog and really she can be left alone for the day (she uses a litter box).

I really am not sure how to handle getting to bed at night when I have issues with that as it is and getting myself and someone else ready in the morning. I barely can get myself out the door on time.

I know a child would make a worry a lot....I just do enough as it is with DH and my sister and Cosmo. Cosmo gets the slightest thing wrong and we are at the vet...when she had a UTI, vet said most people do not even notice as early as I did with her.

Do I really want to have to leave work early when they are sick and have to rush around at nights doing sports or music or whatever it is?

And then you see studies and supposedly the happiest people are those who do not have kids.

But than again, this could just be a way of coping and looking at the bright side of missing out on something.

I do think that most people love their kids....but even though they love them, I wonder how many regret them or resent them.

Growing up I had two people consistently tell me to never have kids. They were people I loved and trusted - my grandmother and my best friend (middle school through college). Gram never really gave a reason. Christine, a serious partier by nature, got pregnant by accident in her early 20s, and hated losing the freedom she had when her son was born. Very healthy, very smart young man. I remember he telling me when he was 11-12 years old that she STILL resented him for changing her life and taking her freedom.

I programmed myself to to not want kids and believed I would be a horrible mother, based pretty much completed on the direction and comments of just 2 people in my life. During my 5 year relationship with a woman it wasn't an issue. I was not interested and being forced to help her mom run a daycare while she went to school, she wanted nothing to do with kids of her own (though she was great with them and kids loved her). A few years later I find a man I love and trust.

He knew he wanted a child, but I put myself on the fence. Not only did I fear I would be a horrible mother, but I'm a wimp when it comes to pain and hate throwing up. I was scared my pregnancy was going to be horrible and was terrified at getting the baby OUT of me. We were together 7 years, married 5, before I felt ready to take the plunge. I think I made the decision because LaurenB and Flutterbudget were pregnant together and I saw how happy they were (friends IRL). And I suddenly had many more people telling how great a mom I'd make.

Well, I WAS morning sick the entire 9 months, and had my share of pains and issues. I forgot about it all and knew it was worth it the first times I felt my little boy kick me. And delivery was not what I'd envisioned and did hurt like giant Beotch (Pitocin is the Devil!). But oh my . . . to hold him in my arms . . . to stare at his face while nursing him. I'm in love with another man and my husband is just fine with that. I have dozens of people who have observed me with him and tell me I'm a fantastic mom.

My regret is that I didn't do this 5 years ago so that we could have a second child. There are things you give up, but I honestly feel something of greater value has been exchanged for them.

Sorry so long . . . you ladies make me so comfortable to spill my guts and talk.

[The10Eels]

(Pitocin is the Devil!).

I couldn't agree more....

I confess there are days when I miss the freedom I had before kids, but in all honesty it makes me resent DH, NOT my girls. It wasn't their choice to be born, and he still goes out etc like he did before we had kids

[The10Eels]

I confess I was reading the Mirena website earlier (I have an appointment for placement on Dec 4th... Procrastinate much?) anywho... I confess it concerns me slightly that in response to the question "How does Mirena work?" it says :

It is not known exactly how Mirena works.

[stephmama]

I confess I was reading the Mirena website earlier (I have an appointment for placement on Dec 4th... Procrastinate much?) anywho... I confess it concerns me slightly that in response to the question "How does Mirena work?" it says :

LMAO. Such comforting words for something that's gonna be placed in your body.

[elmobo-n-lexi]

Mirena IS the devil. Right up there with depo, and the only reason I would prefer Mirena over depo is because I had to get the shot with the depo. I hated them both equally, pretty much, but I had mirena for a LOT longer than depo. I was equally crazy on them both. Got pregnant right away after having mirena removed though, so that was nice.

[Gwenn]

Jennifer, just reading your post now.

In my case I know I would love a child. I work with some very disabled children and I know if I can deal with them patiently I can handle a baby and would love one. But I do worry that I'm just so used to being lazy at home that I wouldn't want to change that. I'm used to coming home and relaxing, and I don't know how I would react to coming home and having to care for someone. I also worry about having a special needs child, partly because of my age, partially because of my family history, and partly because of my job. I know I could probably deal with it but I still worry.

And like you said, I wonder if all of the worry is just a coping mechanism because I'm scared I won't have a child.

Who knows? I figure it will work itself out in the end and I will be happy with whatever happens. That's all I can do, really, anyway.

[Cosmosmom]

Jennifer, just reading your post now.

In my case I know I would love a child. I work with some very disabled children and I know if I can deal with them patiently I can handle a baby and would love one. But I do worry that I'm just so used to being lazy at home that I wouldn't want to change that. I'm used to coming home and relaxing, and I don't know how I would react to coming home and having to care for someone. I also worry about having a special needs child, partly because of my age, partially because of my family history, and partly because of my job. I know I could probably deal with it but I still worry.

And like you said, I wonder if all of the worry is just a coping mechanism because I'm scared I won't have a child.

Who knows? I figure it will work itself out in the end and I will be happy with whatever happens. That's all I can do, really, anyway.

OMG that is about how I feel. I really do think that I would love to have a baby and I know I would be a good mom.
But it sounds so tiring. DH and I really really used to our free time and coming home from work and being able to relax and watch TV or read our books.

The other day I only got 4.5 hours of sleep....and it was HARD going to work that day. It's hard to imagine doing that on a regular basis.

That said, we are still going to keep trying but just not doing anything extra. If it happens we would be thrilled but we will not extreme measures.

In the meantime I will chose to be happy with what I do have....super great DH, my girl Cosmo, a job I like and the new house we are building. Better than being miserable about what I can't have...been there and done that...no more.

[girlwonder]

I worried about this, too, but now that it is true, it isn't that big of a deal. I'd like more sleep and I'd like more free time, but it doesn't matter now as much as it did before, kwim? And I LOVED my nine hours of sleep a night!

The thing is that with a baby, the demands are true and not negotiable so I just manage it and don't feel too put upon most of the time.

My life is not my own at this point, and before I had J I really had no idea what that meant. But it is fine most of the time because I know it isn't forever.

I dont' know if I am making any sense, but I just know exactly how you feel as I felt the same way.

[MammaMia]

I think there are plenty of great things about not having children. It should go without saying that I love Mia and wouldn't trade her for the world, but there are definitely things I miss about my pre-kids life.

[3andMe]

(checking in from mexico again)

i always wanted to have two children, in my early twenties. i knew that from the time i was a child myself. it just didn´t work out. sometimes i regret starting so late, but on the other hand, i got to do a lot of fun stuff while i wasn´t having children. i definitely think i´ve learned a lot about relationships and patience and compromise in the meantime. yes, i got set in my ways too, but i learned what things are worth fighting for or about, and what things i can just consciously let go. i don´t know if i would have done as well at keeping a happy marriage and being a good mother if i´d done it all when i was wild and impetuous. not saying young mothers are not patient--i can just look at my life, trying to look on the positive side of having children at such a late time, and relize what is beneficial about it for me. i think if i was younger i would resent the lack of me time and never being able to do anything spontaneously or even get housework done when it needs it, and i got all the late-night dancing out of my system early on. plus when i was younger i definitely did not handle marriage as well, as evidenced by my first marriage and divorce. sure, mostly it was because he changed his mind about not having children, but i could have been a better partner.

oddly, i don´t like children all that much. i´m not someone who knows how to talk to kids. but i always knew i´d be different with mine, and i was and am. and i´m getting better at dealing with other children as a consequence of being around mine all the time.

[daylilies]

I miss things too. DH and I are kicking ourselves for not traveling or anything before having Josh. There was a point where neither one of us worked for a while and we sat around playing online computer games. What a waste.

[3andMe]

p.s. sorry about the lack of capitalization. #$%!* foreign keyboard!

[daylilies]

I agree with Lydia, most other kids drive me crazy! And so do other moms. I keep wondering, do I act like that? does Josh act like that? But most of the time, I think we don't!

[Cosmosmom]

I agree with Lydia, most other kids drive me crazy! And so do other moms. I keep wondering, do I act like that? does Josh act like that? But most of the time, I think we don't!

Thought it was only me! I like SOME kids a lot....I like my friends daughter and my cousins (ages 5-7 currently). But man do a lot of peoples kids annoy me and the moms annoy me.

[AmeriBrit]

oddly, i don´t like children all that much. i´m not someone who knows how to talk to kids. but i always knew i´d be different with mine, and i was and am. and i´m getting better at dealing with other children as a consequence of being around mine all the time.

I'm the same way! Everyone that knows me from back when I was a young'n can't believe that I have Travis and that I want another baby!

[elmobo-n-lexi]

I don't like other peoples' kids either. I mean, there are a FEW exceptions, but overall, most kids who aren't my own annoy me

[The10Eels]

I don't like other peoples' kids either. I mean, there are a FEW exceptions, but overall, most kids who aren't my own annoy me

Honestly... my youngest SIL is 8, and she even annoys me. My BFF just laughs when I text her about it... then says "She's a kid!" I don't know how she works at a daycare!!!!

[sunrider]

Yeah, other people's kids for the most part, um NO!!! There are a few exceptions.
And I didn't do a lot of babysitting till I was in college and that was mostly cause my SO got connected with a few families. It was a way to earn some extra money and do laundry for free while sitting. Took care of my first twins that way (they were 2).

I learned I hated reading to kids. I always let her do it. That worried me with mine.
But I absolutely love reading to Liam every night before bed. I want him to have a love of books like his parents. And Tred says I'm really good at reading to him. It's so completely different when it's YOUR kid.

[daylilies]

Oh the funny thing is, I babysat as a teenager and I liked it pretty well. I'm not sure what changed LOL

[The10Eels]

Oh the funny thing is, I babysat as a teenager and I liked it pretty well. I'm not sure what changed LOL

I didn't!!! I babysat as a way to get money without begging my parents every weekend, but seriously.. I usually didn't enjoy it.
There are always the exceptions to the rule though. There were 2 little girls from my moms church that I would have babysat for free... everyday! They were adorable, and SO well behaved!

[sunrider]

OMG

200 pages?????

[Cosmosmom]

Oh the funny thing is, I babysat as a teenager and I liked it pretty well. I'm not sure what changed LOL

I did a LOT of babysitting, I about half raised a few of them I had them so many hours and for so many years (one had a single mom who was in school and worked nights so she even had her own bed in my room).

I LOVED babysitting and I would like it now still I think if I had a family I was close to.

I part of now is I'm jealous of what I don't have have and it annoys me when I see someone who is lucky and they are screwing it up (at least according to how I did things in the past, how I was raised and how DH and I plan to do things....you know the whole you always think that your way is the best way).

[Gwenn]

Lydia, what you said about waiting makes a lot of sense. I know I've had the chance to do many things such as travel that I wouldn't get the chance to do with a young family. At this point in my life I really prefer to stay in so I wouldn't resent kids for that, at least. And I'm definitely more patient and have learned more about how to deal with people than when I was younger. So most likely I will be a better mom now than I would have been in my early 20s.

[daylilies]

It really gives me hope that I see a lot of women say they are different from how they were in their 20's. Although I just hit 30 I like to think I can still change for the better!

[Janeen]

I confess that I have felt hesitant about kids too, even while we were ttc. It's such a huge step, but, no turning back now!!!

I know it will change a lot but I am kind of adamant about not letting it change everything. Things like the love and intimacy between me and my husband. I completely disagree that those things HAVE to go down the tubes and I hear so many people in those types of marriages tell me "it's just how it is". Nuh uh suckas, not for me!

I also know that while we don't travel all of the time, the times we do will not be lessened. Heck, we are about to make a down payment for our Hawaii trip next year, at which time baby will be five months.

I know we won't be going out and getting trashed on the weekends all of the time now. I've come to be okay with that but it was honestly a reason for my hesitance. I like our adult time and I like going out to the bars with our friends...those will be big time lessened now but it's okay.

[Janeen]

Oh and I confess I am going out of town next week for Thanksgiving.

We are going to Lawton, OK to see Jimi's family and visit his grandma's grave site. He hasn't even seen the gravestone except for when he ordered it online.

We will be leaving Tuesday and coming back Saturday or Sunday but I will have the laptop.

[Gwenn]

It really gives me hope that I see a lot of women say they are different from how they were in their 20's. Although I just hit 30 I like to think I can still change for the better!

Kate, I'm a totally different person now! Like, you wouldn't even recognize me!

Yes, you can definitely change.

[daylilies]

Have a safe trip Janeen!
I think it's good that you at least lived it up before you were expecting. I was so not an adventurous person (I'm still not) and now I just wish I'd experienced more before settling down.

[Janeen]

I'm a "phase" type of person for sure. I drank as a teenager, stopped when I was married to my ex, figured I wouldn't give a crap about it when I turned 21 but I was wrong. And my going out drinking most weekends lasted until well...two days before I got a positive pregnancy test.

I have wondered if I will want to drink after baby is born and what not, who knows. I tend to like something for a while and then be done with it. Or if it changes without me even thinking about it, just letting that ride for a while and then switching it up.

Okay, I'm rambling now.

I suppose I have lived it up but in certain ways, I don't think I'm even near done. I see DH and I being pretty successful in the future. I believe we will have opportunities to go awesome places and do awesome things so in that sense...nah, it hasn't even began yet.

[Gwenn]

Janeen, I hope that we can go cool places and do interesting things when we have kids, too. I guess I'm just rationalizing that I have a lot to look back on whenever I get frustrated.