Need a good comeback
I am sure I will hear this for the rest of my life and I am already tired of it.....
Whenever people see I have 3 girls I get all sorts of rude comments:
"Oh man you are in trouble!" (not really even sure what that is supposed to mean)
"Good luck when they are teenagers!"
"I feel sorry for your husband" or "I feel sorry for you" (HIGHLY offensive!)
"Better start saving for the weddings now" (We save for COLLEGE not weddings thankyouverymuch)
"I'm so glad I have boys" (also quite offensive imo)
I find it offensive and I am starting to get angry about it. Sometimes these things are said in front of the kids and I feel so sorry for them. DD2 has asked me 2 times if I like having 3 kids. I have a feeling it's because she hears these things about 3 kids and/or 3 girls and doesn't understand what these people are saying.
Anyone have some good comebacks I could use? I am not really a "3 times the blessings/love" type person so comebacks along those lines would not really be my style. I am more of a sarcastic person but I don't want to appear angry, negative or defensive (even though some of those comments are RUDE). If someone says something very rude I have no problem defending us but really I need something for grocery store people and passing comments....
The 'good luck during the teen years' is VERY common so I would love something good for that one.
What about something simple like, "Why do you feel the need to comment on my family?" Turns it back on them and I think most people don't realize what they are saying or that it's offensive to you.
Or since the girls are listening, "Thanks for the "concern" but we love having three wonderful daughters".
i feel your pain, i have 4 of them :) people suck
Well for one since they are being rude I know its not the bigger person thing to do but, I would be sarcastic back. I know its immature of me but, sometimes
with strangers its unlikely you'll see them again and they have the b@lls to be rude in the first place. Though I don't have 3 girls we have a friend that has 4 girls and a boy so his has similar comments. Or you could be like "Yes, three girls aren't they awesome"? or "Oh thanks for being so direct I happen to enjoy MY family".
"Well I wouldn't be so rude to talk that this in front of YOUR KIDS". "How *nice* of you to point that out I didn't realize gender was SO important".
I just think that people are always rude/not thinking before speaking. I just smile and agree or say nothing in return. Granted, I don't get a lot of gender related comments but plenty about how busy I must be and many strange looks. Thus far my kids haven't really commented about it all.
I receive many wonderful comments from the older generation, though, since when they had their kids it was normal to have more than one or two kids.
I guess for a person who doesn't want to kill with kindness, I would think of saying things like
Did you really mean to say that in front of my daughters?
I am sure you meant that as a joke, but it's not funny.
I'm trying to teach my kids to say something nice or nothing at all.
I guess you didn't intend that to come out that way, and if you want to start over I'll forget you said that.
I guess that would work if I feel like being somewhat confrontational but it opens the door to MORE comments too which probably will not be much better lol.
Originally Posted by Cosmosmom
I can't imagine what people must say because it was bad enough when I only had 2. When I added #3 it got SOOOOO much worse. 4 must just be rude comment overload!
Originally Posted by sookie4415
It depends on how I feel how I like to react but really it happens SO often that I don't want to always be responding negatively back. I also don't want my kids to see that either. I would love to just find a way to make light of it even though it IS offensive.
Originally Posted by mom2CodySophia0811
Last week I thought I had it covered with the teenager remark by saying, "they are good kids". The person (a cop actually) said his daughter was the nicest kid and just switched overnight when she turned 13. :eyeroll: I said, "well I was a teenage girl once so I know what it's like". It's just so annoying. If you answer like it's not a big deal you get laughed at like "you just wait" like people who say having a baby will not be a lot of work or something you know?
We got the "you are in trouble" comment last night from a guy coming to give us an estimate on a new fence. We didn't really want a whole discussion or confrontation so DH just said, "we have fun" or something like that.
This has happened 3 times in the past week. It seriously happens all.the.time. And now that I think about it I may have asked this question on here before :laugh: Maybe having 3 girls is making me lose my mind :winks:
You could try a different approach. Like Jessica said, many times it's an "open mouth, words fall out" thing. You could act like you don't hear them and say something along the lines of, "What? I didn't hear you." This gives them a chance to think about what they said and say something else--some people will be thoughtless enough to say it again, but most won't.
Their comments are about them, your reaction is about you. You definitely have the right to defend your family--but you do think it needs defending? What kind of example do you want to set for your girls about how to deal with rudeness from others?
I have friends with several kids (one with 5 all under age 7) and see their comments about this thing on FB often. I'm not sure any of them have figured out what to do. But I think that your kids are watching and learning from you, so it's something to think about.
I am with Natalie on this one. I also do not think that in general people are saying it to offend or to be rude. I think sometimes people say stuff like that just to make small talk (albeit inappropriate). If you are concerned about what message your girls getting, I would take it as a learning opportunity to discuss your family values and that one cannot take it personally when people say stupid stuff (you cannot control what others do or say, you can only control how you react to it).
Originally Posted by Geneari
I do agree that they probably don't intend to be rude. The message to my girls can be taken 2 ways though. 1) I could make light if it and move on showing them I don't "sink to their level" by being rude back. Whether or not they INTEND to be rude some of the comments ARE. Or 2) They could see people making rude comments and me not addressing it or "letting them get away with it". Again, depending on how rude the comment is perhaps no "defending" is necessary but something like, "I feel sorry for you" cannot be said without some type of defense. Whether it was "please don't because I have a wonderful family" or "sorry for WHAT?! 3 healthy beautiful, loving children?!" or something more in your face. Honestly my responses will all depend on my mood, the situation and who it's coming from, but really I would love a generic response for when I just want to move on.
Well, I am one of 4 kids - 3 girls and a boy (he is the youngest). I'm sure my mom got plenty of comments.
I know this isn't true for a lot of families, but in our case, my sisters are my best friends and I am very close with my brother as well. So maybe you could answer with something like "I am looking forward to when they are older and can be there for one another" or some positive outlook to having multiple girls?
Maybe for the teenage comment, something like..." Yeah i know it will be crazy, but I am kinda looking forward to it!". Or for the I feel sorry for you comments something like "Yeah, things can be crazy with these three, but I am lucky they are all so good"... For all of the basically agree that it can be that way and then pay some kinda compliment to your family. That way your girls see you defending them but not being rude. This way even if you get a wait and see response your kids saw that you don't think the way these people are implying you should, without seeing you be rude in response..... Maybe you could even mention to them after a person is gone that some people just don't know how to say the right thing and you think having three girls is awesome.
I would give them a very serious, this is not the least bit funny face, and follow it up with "Did you really intend to be that rude and insensitive?"
Oh man, I get it all the time too! I have four girls and just had a boy and people say the rudest crap in front of my girls about how proud we must be to finally have a boy!!! How rude? We are happy with and very blessed to have five healthy children and could care less whether they are boys or girls but frankly, my girls get along really well (fight too) and are instant playmates for each other and all watch over their baby brother like a hawk!! My husband and I love having a big family and it has nothing to do with the sex of our children.
I am a big fan of "Wow." and just stare at them for a minute.
People squirm really good.
People say they feel sorry for you?? How unbelievably rude! My children, especially dd (8) would be highly offended!
How about "Eff off!!"
No? Ok, hmmmm (lol)
i get comments a lot about being a homeschool mom like "omg I could NEVER..." Which seems harmless but what if I said I could NEVER be them? It insinuates that it's too awful to consider. I always say my kids are great and I feel lucky to be with them all the time. In your case, I think I'd do similar and aim my words more for the benefit of my children by saying how great they are, how it never occurred to you to worry about the teenage years, and definitely how you are saving for college not weddings.
I feel so bad that your daughter asks you that! I get that people may not "mean" to be rude but just because that may be the case, doesn't mean they shouldn't be made aware that what they are saying is RUDE.
"Oh man you are in trouble!" ' why? what did i do wrong this time? your still standing so it couldn't of been that bad.....' (and walk away)
"Good luck when they are teenagers!" 'i don't need luck... i am raising my girls the right way'
"I feel sorry for your husband" or "I feel sorry for you" 'i feel sorry for me too... i have to listen to people like you talk about things they know nothing of.'
"Better start saving for the weddings now" (We save for COLLEGE not weddings thankyouverymuch) 'yeah. weddings are expensive but education is more important so were saving for college.'
"I'm so glad I have boys" 'so that makes you jealous of me having girls.'
what you hear and what i would be tempted to say but not have the guts to actually say outloud.
i get it too. I have 4 girls (in a row) and i think i get more comments about having girls than i do about having 6 kids. I had one guy chase me down at Safeway yelling "Mam,mam..." and when he got to me he said "I hope that baby isnt a girl!" I was just stunned anyone would say such a horrible thing with all my girls standing right there! i said "Really!? Why!? I love my girls!" and he kind of stuttered and just turned and walked away.
one i get fairly often regarding all the girls, a large family in general, or homeschooling, etc. is "Better you than me!" and to that i reply "My kids are thankful of that too""
usually cant think of a come back, but i usually do say something to the effect of how much i love my girls, because i want them to really know that, and not feel like they are some kind of pariah on society or a freak of nature. I do LOVE having 4 girls. I even love my teenagers :P
I feel for you. I would get really p#ssed if someone made similar comments to me. I am not a fan of "killing" strangers with kindness or explaining anything in a funny/smart way. I would either roll my eyes to make them feel uncomfortable, or like tapir suggested say "wow" and stare for a little or "everything happens for a reason" or something along those lines. IME, the comment "everything happens for a reason" is one of those things that shuts people up although I have no idea why :laugh: It is like I am wise, you are stupid for not seeing it LOL....
People often do not think what they are saying. I know several women (not very close to me) who just had a third girl and when they announced to me they were PG with another girl, all 3 of them had this defensive look waiting for a comment. So I imagine they get similar reactions to you and are tired of it.
Yeah it's bad. I am not glad I am not the only one who gets these comments. It makes me really sad. What a sad message about our society that we (well they) view girls this way. I would love to hear from people with 3+ boys if any get these types of comments?
And yes I actually have had people say "I feel sorry for you" more than once. The first time I was so stunned I was speechless. Another time it was this notoriously b!tchy woman (my friend's SIL) who was going OFF about how difficult her teenage girl is and she is so glad she at least has one boy (she has another girl too). I felt like saying, "your daughter is probably a b!tch like you!" but obviously I would never say that. Meanwhile her DD is 13...like she has so much experience raising a teenager :eyeroll:
I guess if I don't feel like being confrontational and feel the comment is harmless it's best to just make it positive and talk about how well the get along (ok lie lol) and how they are best friends (well that is kind of true :wub:).
I think for most people it's just a thing to say. The most recent one came from a cousin of mine who has 2 girls herself, one a teen. She was going on about how I will have 3 teenage girls at once and she and her husband were laughing. I know they didn't mean to be but it seemed mean like they were laughing AT me. Meanwhile DD1 was standing right there. But my point is, many times these comments come from people with girls so I don't get the negativity. :dunno: Also they come from people I like so I don't always want to be having angry comebacks because it will just be awkward....even though technically they started it. :winks:
i was talking about this with dh and remembered another comeback i've used and that was "im sorry you feel that way" or "that makes me sad to hear you say that".
i did get a very hurtful comment from a close friend from church when my youngest was born, or maybe when i was pregnant with her. She is in my opinion a complete miracle and never should have happened, though i was completely thrilled to get her. But someone said something to the effect that its a little bit sad that my last chance at having a baby i never expected was a girl. Like she was a waste of a miracle or something. As if God wouldnt make such a special child a girl.
Since when are girls considered trouble? I always thought boys were! Lol anyway, just ignore them!
I would just say 'thanks' and change the subject or walk away. It's just random but common commentary, ppl making harmless friendly small talk littered with cliches; shrug and ignore. It may get under your skin, but the ppl saying it don't mean harm and the snarky retort does... the receiver probably won't understand why you snapped at them for a little banter.
Honestly I think it's kinda rude to put out when other adults have been rude. So I would probably only say something if it was a friend or family member and let them know that you take offense to those comments. Otherwise I would probably just leave it something simple like "I love having three great daughters so it makes me sad to hear you say that". I honestly think most people don't mean it badly.
I have a little preference for a girl. Yet I have made faces or a comment when a coworker was talking about his 12 yr or another his 14 yr old daughter. And it's not just me, everyone in my office with kids has had girls (and they all LOVE their girls) except me but I remember myself and my sister and there is something about that 12-15 age bracket with the hormones and the attitudes. Not all but many girls that age can be a lot of drama and just not the easiest to live with. But that doesn't mean that I find girls of less value....having a girl would be my preference if I had a choice.
I also think people with more than two boys would get remarks as well. My first thought would be OMG, the grocery bills when those three boys are teens. Because I have heard from people that have teen boys that they tend to eat a ton.
It is hard to know what someone's motives are with a comment. It could be that they wanted a girl and are jealous, it could be that they truly like little boys better, it could just be something to say and they just aren't thinking.
And sometimes we might take things harder based on our own personal biases. Like i have mostly moved on but a part of still is upset with the idea of not having a birth and biological child. I know a common comment adoptive parents hear is asking about the childs "real parents". That is one I think would probably set me off.
I have three boys, and I get the rude comments, too. People are always asking if we are going to "try" for a girl, too, and that also irritates me. When they say it around my boys, I'm afraid makes them feel like they are not enough. I can't tell you how many people told me that they were "sorry" when my third was a boy. Yep, I had a healthy, happy, beautiful baby boy--that is certainly something that deserves pity!
Other comments I can think of:
"Wow, I'm glad it's you and not me."
"You need to have a girl so someone will take care of you in your old age."
"It must be so hard not having any girls to do girly things with. I am so glad I have a daughter!"
This is the opposite kind of comment, but I was actually at the park last night with my 3 boys while a mom and her probably 6 year old daughter were arguing. Right in front of the daughter, the mom tells me, "You should be SO GLAD you only have boys! My son is so much easier than my daughter!" Sure, the little girl was misbehaving, but I can't even imagine how that made her feel about herself. No wonder she was acting out.
To me, the biggest offense is that they say it in front of the kids.
I think that would bother me most. I have asked to meet with doctors and therapists separately/before evaluations of DS1 because I think it is rude to talk about his issues in front of him. Along those lines, I would get mostly annoyed with friends or strangers making these comments in front of my kids.
Originally Posted by Bridget
However, I admit I would get annoyed anyway. It might be a personal thing; there are things that do not bother me at all and things that do; this would be in the latter category.
ETA: Most of our friends have 2+ girls but I am sure that moms with 3 or more boys get stupid comments too. The groceries bill comments would not irritate me because it is so true and in my mind it does not have a negative connotation. I grew up in a family with 5 boys (who all played sports) and they eat you out of the house during the teenage years and it is just how it is. But again, I was extremely difficult as a teenager (mouthy, disrespectful, rebellious) but that does not mean ALL girls are like that. So I think any comments that imply that having only one gender is not good enough or is too much work are the ones that would tick me off.
I know right! I'm super nervous about the kind of trouble my two boys will get in! I don't think I'd be as worried about girls. I grew up with with a sister and two girl cousins all of us very close in age under one roof so we were all like sisters... Besides some stealing of each other's clothes we were best friends and did everything together. It was a lot of fun.. I'm kinda sad my daughter won't have that actually. So I find it so strange that people are making these crazy comments.
Originally Posted by cheeksy
I think a lot of it that most of society sees boys and girls as vastly different and in general it's very easy to stereotype...something I think many of us try not to do but probably do anyway.
Like my MIL said she was so glad to have a son because little girls are too sensitive and whiny and scream and are drama. I said, please YOUR SON is more sensitive than most girls I know and can be a bit time whiner. Where when we were little my mom said, you scream outside there had better be blood or you will no longer be outside playing.
I don't like when people talk about stuff in front of kids that are old enough to understand though. :(
i have 4 teens right now, 2 boys and 2 girls. And while all 4 have had their issues, my girls are "easier" than the boys. Both my boys copped such a rotten attitude around 14-16yrs old i wanted to strangle them at times. My older daughter has dealt with depression and self harm, which certainly has been my most difficult thing to face as a parent, but i isnt gender specific at all.
I actually think the perception of girls being harder in the teen years has more to do with society's view of parenting one vs the other. People see boys asstrong and independant and not needing as much parental oversight. The most trouble they might cause a parent is having to pick them up at jail. Girls are seen as being weak and needing protecting, they requiremore parenting, and so there is a higher level of alert and worry concerning a girl. The worst thing that could happen to her is that she could be sexually assaulted and get pregnant.
i personally think both boys and girls need parenting and protecting into and through the teens. For me finding the balance between protecting and encouraging independance is much harder with the boys than it is with my girls. Probably because i am a girl and can simply relate to them better. But then my husband is constantly butting heads with my oldest (19). DH seems to have a split personality, one minute telling DS he's not responsible, the next not allowing him to step up and do the things to gain responsibility. i keep saying "dont you remember what it was like to be a teenager? :laugh: