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I'm sorry to post again but how on earth can one *not* get attached to a newborn?? How could you have *not* gotten your hopes up?? I really don't see any other way you could have approached it. Those who have hinted otherwise have evidently not walked in your shoes!
Don't be ashamed that you love her already...goodness, you're human! Shame on anyone who would make you feel badly for that!
Sorry, venting my frustrations on your behalf:-) My heart goes out to you...thinking of you often!
I couldn't of said it better myself. My heart hurts so badly for you. <3Quote:
Originally Posted by kellyowens
Don't be sorry at all! I really appreciate it! I feel like you guys are here for me and I can't tell you how it helped to have someone say what I needed to hear so badly! I hate it when people just repeat over and over "She's not yours!" like I'm such an idiot I don't know that! Of course I know that! I know it more than most I think. Thankfully, family has been WONDERFUL! They've been spending as much time with her as they can and she's just be showered with love. I can't imagine a child anywhere being more loved than this little girl is. I know that will be true regardless and no matter where she goes. All of us will always love her!Quote:
Originally Posted by kellyowens
Oh and I don't know if this is weird or not, I was thinking of asking the SW, but we were thinking of taking a pic or some pics of baby girl's first few days here with us to give to birth mom. I don't think we'll actually see her, and I'm hoping we don't for the first visit just because I think it'll be hard on everyone. But we were thinking maybe she'd be less likely to think of us as the bad guys if she understands that we're aware that she's hurting and she loves her baby. Is this a good idea? I also wouldn't want her to see it as us rubbing it in her face or something which would be awful. That's why I figured I'd ask the SW first to make sure but I would hope it would help her to have some pics of her daughter.
I think that is a really kind idea. I would for sure ask the SW first, but that is totally sweet of you.
Big hugs! :hugs:
I know I struggled a lot with people who really don't understand the emotions of foster care and/or adoption and had to really struggle to put their insensitive comments to the side, but there are several people that I lost a lot of respect for going through our process. It's one of those forgive, but not forget things. You are in no way stupid for being attached - it is completely expected and you have to cut yourself some slack - this is your first experience. Not knowing what to expect, the fact that it happened so fast - all of that is making these emotions even harder to grasp. I remember in our MAPPS class we talked a lot about how even an infant has trust/attachment issues if they aren't placed in a loving environment right away. It was really eye opening to hear some of the real-life stories, where some of the kids adopted out of foster care had no obvious "issues", but couldn't attach because they had never bonded with anyone immediately after birth. It's really powerful stuff, and what you are doing is providing her that comfort to help make her a better person.
Definitely check and see if there are support groups available - we didn't use that and I really wish we had - I think it would have made it easier to have a group of been there/done that types that could help use their experiences as examples. My best advice is to keep asking questions until you get some sort of answer. We had problems with our social worker not giving us all the informaiton, but the kids social worker was much more approachable, so we actually went to her with a lot of questions. I struggled with it being so intimidating to ask questions because you don't want to ask the wrong thing or protray anything about yourself in a negative light. I felt like our social worker expected us to just "know" things and not ask her and got frustrated if we asked too many questions. But the most important lesson I learned is to advocate for yourself and for that little girl!
I think the pictures is a wonderful idea! If nothing else, the social worker can hold on to them in her file and put them in a life book as she grows up. We got life books when we adopted M and K and they only had a handful of pictures from the 2 years they were in foster care and nothing from when they were babies. We don't know if the biological family has any, but I think the pictures would be a great thing for her to have as she gets older.
Hang in there - hopefully the social worker will call you back today. You ARE doing a GREAT job!
I agree with everything Alyssa said. This is an important time. My cousin came to my family at only two months old and didn't really make much eye contant or smile until she was about a year old! That is how much those first two months impacted her.
And see if there is a support group. I know I went through the process with some other families and am now friends with some of the other families from my group. It helps to talk to someone going through the same process and type of adoption.
^^^^^Quote:
Originally Posted by WishingNWaiting
This :-)
And pics are a *super* idea!!! I so appreciate the pics DS's foster mom provided...I'm not only glad *we* have them but that he'll havem too :-) . She also wrote all of his milestones down in the cover of the little album of pics she gave us...maybe another idea :-) .
DS's caseworker mentioned in his monthly case report everything fmom said regarding DS's development. So definitely write things down so you don't forget to mention it to the cw. Someday baby girl will really appreciate that someone took the time to care enough to make sure it got in her file.
imo, it sounds like your foster care agency didn't make it as clear as day to you that adoption was the furthest, most unlikely outcome. Ours drills it into its licensees that our only job is to care for a child while they work to reunification with parent or family. Period. (Irrelevant whether that family is an aunt or a 19th cousin. Family is family.) They say from day one that we the foster parents are the lowest men on the proverbial totem pole. We were taught that if by some outside chance that changes - per circumstances or federal law (which states that after any 22 mos period, if 15 are in our custody, then the agency must begin looking at an adoptive placement), then there might be a start of adoption proceedings. But even then, the track towards reunification with family continues in parallel. And that could take years. They were very up front about the number of adoptions that have occured over previous years versus the number of placements (and how few of those were adoptions by non-family).
Hopefully, this works out for the best for the baby, whether it's with you or a stable family member. Either way, though, I would complain vigorously to your social worker and local agency; they had absolutely no business leading you on to believe that this was a likely adoption or that even if that were possible, it wouldn't be years of turmoil before you could get there. That's so unfair to you and your husband to have played with your emotions. I'm sorry that you're suffering b/c of it.
(I should add that i expect to suffer the same when we get our placements. A foster parent who's interested in adoption can't help but hope when they connect with a child. It's one of my greatest fears of this process. But b/c my agency was honest with us - unlike yours - at least I'll know going in that I need to suppress that feeling.)
[QUOTE=ibisgirldc;1058730082]imo, it sounds like your foster care agency didn't make it as clear as day to you that adoption was the furthest, most unlikely outcome. Ours drills it into its licensees that our only job is to care for a child while they work to reunification with parent or family. Period. (Irrelevant whether that family is an aunt or a 19th cousin. Family is family.) They say from day one that we the foster parents are the lowest men on the proverbial totem pole. We were taught that if by some outside chance that changes - per circumstances or federal law (which states that after any 22 mos period, if 15 are in our custody, then the agency must begin looking at an adoptive placement), then there might be a start of adoption proceedings. But even then, the track towards reunification with family continues in parallel. And that could take years. They were very up front about the number of adoptions that have occured over previous years versus the number of placements (and how few of those were adoptions by non-family).
I absolutely felt this way today. I called and spoke with the foster care manager because our social worker still didn't call us back and never answered her phone. I'm guessing she was out of the office today. The foster care manager was very straightforward about it all and wanted to be very helpful in answering my questions about how it works. I couldn't figure out at first why she seemed to act a little weird when I spoke of our desire to adopt, but after talking with her it's obvious that this early especially it's just not even discussed. I'm aware that we're a long way off from that even being a possibility but according to our training adoption is also pursued while reunification is pursued as well. What's being done vs. what was said is disappointing. I could tell it bothered her that I felt the way I did, but she obviously can't do anything.
I was told that our county has a much higher rate of adoption among foster parents. I think they told us that over 70% of the kids never went home...however, now I'm wondering if what they meant was that reunification didn't occur but that they did go home with a family member. VA does have the lowest percentage of kinship care, but still...I do feel like we were led to believe that almost all cases that come available become an adoption case at some point. We were never told of the petitions or how that worked. Had no idea that anyone can petition at any time and can petition over and over regardless of the outcome the first time. I'm sure, if we have her that long, that the goal will be reunification even if it isn't likely just because that's obviously the goal from day 1. Today, I'm feeling a little used. I'm worried now that my bond with this sweet baby will be effected a little by this new information.
I also asked about the GAL because I was under the impression that you connect with them and if you get to know them and vice versa that they (over time) will take the foster home into account more. Unfortunately, when I asked about this they said that typically they contact you and if baby girl has a not great GAL then we may never hear from them. When I mentioned calling she said that some people do that, but that she seemed to think that it wasn't a good idea to call them up so soon. If we aren't going to communicate with anyone ever though about what's happening with her then....I don't get it. I mean even without adoption being pursued, we are her current caregivers...so shouldn't we have a idea of what's going on in court concerning her well being? The foster care manager says yes, but I don't know.
I am thoroughly convinced now that she will be leaving us in a few months. I will be shocked if mom doesn't get her back on the 11th (though it's clear she shouldn't by her current state poor thing) or if the petition isn't granted. They said she'd probably be here a few months and I guess all we can do now is cherish that time with her. I just don't want it to effect my relationship with her because I think she really needs it...especially since we have no idea where she is going next or who she'll be dealing with. I told my dad I was concerned about connecting now and he said he thought what was done couldn't be undone in this case. I'm just exhausted. This was a rude awakening after all the infertility crap we already went through. Nothing ever is as it seems.
I'm sorry you had to get that awakening. I am sure it hurts, but now maybe you can get your mind set switched to a loving temporary caregiver instead of an adoptive mom. I really think you can still fully love and care for her while admitting to yourself she is not staying forever. HUGS.
i'm really sorry that you're going through this. (Sadly, it makes me appreciate even more the hours of training that our MD county made us do. That included bringing in foster parents in the system to tell us horror stories with birth parents, the courts, etc. Very depressing, but I guess their idea if\s that if you can get through that, then you really know what to expect and must be committed.)
I figure that i need to keep in mind that even if a kid is with us for only a few months, we gave that kid a better chance in life than he/she would have had otherwise. If a good family member is found (a few of those were in our licensing class, getting nieces and nephews from other states), bravo. For many kids (of course, not for infants), a relative is an easier transition. And if the county can get mom or dad in shape, then the system works. But even in the awful cases where we as citizens and foster parents go "WTF?!?," at least those kids had food, shelter, warmth, someone who cared, stability, etc.
The baby that you're caring for needs to be in a place where when she cries, someone responds. When she's hungry, someone feeds her. When she needs to be held, a comforting figure is there. It teaches her how to trust and love someone back. It means that she can learn how to be attached herself. It helps her brain develop properly. It will affect every step of her future development. She may not spend her whole life with you but you and your husband will have indelibly shaped her entire future. That knowledge may not fill a hole in your hearts, but as foster parents, understanding that a kid will have a shot at life (b/c of your willingness to suffer through the emotional trauma) has got to be enough. The other stuff - like permanent placement and adoption, whether with this kid or another who also needs the nuturing that you have to give - hopefully follows.
I do think it may have helped if we'd had more training or had connected with other local foster parents first. There's a training event that's also a Christmas party in two weeks for foster parents. They highly recommend that one so we're planning to go, but of course at the time we thought we would have a few of these events in before we were placed since they told us it'd be a longer wait because of our age range. Hopefully, at that meeting we'll make some connections and learn a few things from other parents who have been through the same situations and who can help us navigate it all. I think a lot of dealing with this, now that we know more and got some more honest and factual answers to our questions, is to adjust expectations and try to make the best of the situation you have while you have it. I feel a lot though like we're just not meant to have children with all that we've gone through already to try to have them and it seems nothing is ever certain except giving birth to your own baby which may not be something we can ever do.
A few days ago, I posted on an adoption forum specifically for fostering to adopt and was thinking I might get some support or comfort to help me deal, and I swear some of the people on there were so mean I just couldn't stand it. DH keeps telling me not to post on there anymore which I won't now, but it's amazing to me how some of the things people say can hurt you when you don't even know them and they don't know you and your situation. One person told me that I was the adult and I should be used to dealing with heartbreaking situations and bumps in the road so I needed to grow up and remember the child and not pay any attention to my feelings. Another person said over and over again that she wasn't trying to insult me but basically indicated I'm a complete idiot for just not automatically understanding the legal processes involved. We went through training and everything like everyone else though our training was fairly brief...there was no reason for us to expect that we were being led on or that we hadn't received all necessary information at that time. Just made me feel with those rude comments like I'm an immature, naive, idiot, who doesn't care for the child in our care because I hurt and I say that I hurt. None of what we've gone through so far makes infertility any easier either and knowing that baby girl will most likely leave, when we thought otherwise, also makes me feel like we aren't meant to have children or be parents, or even that we're too stupid and don't deserve the happiness that comes with having a family. It just burns me up how people can be so cruel and call it honesty. Honesty can be delivered in a kind way always I think.
So I want to thank you ladies for all being kind and for helping me to understand this process a little better. I feel we have more of a handle on it now and with it making more sense to us our expectations are more realistic and aren't based on what anyone's opinion is, but is now based on fact which is important in a complicated process like this.
I'm sorry Leah. Some people are jerks. I think it's also unfortunate that they feel that way. Part of me feels like those people have been jaded. When you are able to so fully detach yourself how can you possibly be a good parent to a child that enters your home? You're heart hurting is completely normal and as awful as it is I hope that you are able to attach yourself a little with each child that is blessed to find your home while your forever baby makes their way to you. These babies deserve as much love and devotion as you can offer. Your amazing :)
Leah, that was my experience with other foster/adoption forums too. Lots of criticism and very little encouragement : /. (((Hugs)))...I hope you're able to get some RL support!!
I am so sorry that the ladies on the other forum were so mean and cruel. It seems like in their own hurt they are lashing out at you. I sincerely hope that they aren't actually fostering any children right now.
what was the process to get licensed? There weren't weeks of classes? We had 8 classes, 3 hours each, over 5 weeks. Stuff about the law, the process, the brain development of the kids, the emotional turmoil that they're feeling, what the birth families usually do, what we're allowed to do and not do, what to expect from the social workers/county, and ultimately, the adoption discussion (which they save for the last night). There were 25 other foster parents in the class (although it's usually half of that; they just hadn't done a class in a while). They also require some hours of training per year to keep the license (12? can't recall) Does your county just do the background and home visits without the classes?
Am I understanding that they've done none of that and will only be doing some training at an optional Christmas event? If so, shame on them. What county in VA? (We may move to VA, which, unfortunately, means starting this all over again. What you're describing may be far less onerous that I'd expected, though.)
Can you tell us which forum you were on? We might need to pay those mean ladies a visit ;)
I'm sorry you all have been misled and left in the dark at times. I hate it for you all. I do think though that you are handling it as any other woman out there would. You have a heart and are hopeful, and there's nothing wrong with that. You deserve a baby. Lots of them and I truly believe that you'll have one someday.
Even though things don't look the best right now, it's only right now. It doesn't mean things will be like this forever.
Many many hugs to you right now!
I'm so sorry that there wasn't more preparation to help you prior to licensing. We had 40 hours of training broken up over 3 weeks and we talked about all aspects of fostering and adoption. But, right now you and that sweet baby are all that matter. Take it one minute at a time and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. You are keeping her safe and at the end of the day, that's what really matters.
I never found any support on any of the adoption/fostering boards - just a lot of judgement. I agree with Babidol that they seemed very jaded. Fostering is not for the faint of heart and it just seemed like a lot of them didn't have their heart in the process anymore.
Hopefully the weekend brought a little peace and you were able to enjoy it. Sending lots of supporting thoughts your way!
I just wanted to reply to this. If you really feel that you were maybe not meant to be parents, that is ok. We very seriously considered staying childless because it's been so hard trying to make that happen. Adoption is emotionally hard, invasive and expensive. But after really thinking about it, we knew that we are meant to have a child and that ours will come to us when it's right.Quote:
Originally Posted by Leah26
We have been trying so long, I forgot if it's been 5 or 6 years now. I do know the adoption process was started in late 2010 and we finished with that and officially waiting in Sept 2011. We could still be waiting another year or two. You just never know.
Nothing is ever certain, not even having a biological baby (there is always so much that can happen or go wrong). You could end up adopting this child or a future foster child. Maybe you will find after a while that a baby isn't important and will adopt an already waiting child from foster care. Maybe you will eventually turn to domestic infant (you are fairly young still and have time to save up the money if you go that route....I certainly could not have afforded it when I was 27.....took us about 4 years to save up the money and decide to go for it).
I really truly believe that for those of us wanting a child, if we are patient we will eventually be matched with and find each other.
I'll echo those comments! DH and I TTC for 7 years, including multiple rounds of Clomid, Femara, IUI's and IVF. Our first IVF ended in the loss of twin girls at 20 weeks and our 2nd IVF ended up in a miscarriage at about 6 weeks along. I remember being devastated and hopeless and thought it was a sign that we weren't meant to be parents. But when we decided to move forward with adoption I tried my best to leave the infertility behind. My parents adopted me as an infant b/c they could never get pregnant. My mom's advice when we STC was to try everything we were comfortable with so that there would never be the question of What If. We did that and when it all failed, we mourned and grieved and eventually moved on to adoption and turned all our focus into that.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cosmosmom
As funny as it sounds, I'm grateful to all the time that I STC because it means all the more to have the kids now. It makes me appreciate the small things. It may help to find someone to talk to about the TTC piece of your history because it sounds like the combination of the infertily and the sense of unknown of the baby is making it all the harder to handle. I know the social worker doesn't appreciate the infertily piece as her only concern is the child now. And most of the support through the adoption channel won't focus on the infertily either. It might help?
Alyssa, that is interesting what you say about infertility. Our classes were specific to domestic infant but we spent a LOT of it focused on loss and infertility.
I think that we did about 35 hours of classes so a lot of time when we didn't have to cover as many issues as you would see in foster or special needs. So really we spent a good chunk dealing with the idea of loss....ours in not having a biological child, the child in losing their biological parent, the biological parent in losing the child. That and openness since we will most likely be in an open adoption.
Jennifer - even with the 40 hours of classes, we didn't touch nearly enough information on foster care and adoption - I think I could still use classes daily :laugh:
But, our agency and our social worker specifically spent a lot of time talking to us about the infertily to make sure we had properly grieved that part of our life. As much as I hated her at the time for talking about it so much because it brought up such painful memories, I appreciated that we felt like it was completely behind us when we started the adoption of Max and Kacey. We found out that how we dealt with our infertily played a big role in how we were selected for M&K too. When we went to the panel interview with the county of residence, they never brought it up, even though we had a loss the previous year and most agencies want you to wait 2 years from your last loss to adopt. When we were ending the interview and they asked if there was anything that we wanted to share, I brought up our history of infertility to share all that we had done to grieve. We wanted to make sure that they recognized that we acknowldged that loss and weren't looking to "replace" the babies. The social worker told us after the fact that everyone was really impressed and no one that had adopted through them had ever been so open and that reassured them of how we would act with the kids.
Boy - nothing about this process is easy!
Leah :hugs:
I'm pretty sure we would feel exactly how you guys are feeling, regardless of how much we were told to be guarded with our emotions. Just wanted to offer you some :hugs: . I sincerely hope that somehow it all works out and you get to raise a sweet little baby of your own, even if it means some major heartaches along the way. :hugs:
Thank you ladies so so much for all of your wonderful support! Makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one who had that type of experience with the foster/adoption forums. People get on there all the time too who have been through it as children and had rough experiences and they get mad if you love the child in your care and want them...makes no sense to me. It's not like, as foster parents, we have the choice to just petition for custody like anyone else. Basically, if no one else in the country comes forward and is approved and adoption because a possibility then we might be able to adopt and that's it. So...it's not like we're running around snatching children from families in hopes to make them suffer and make their lives more difficult. That's how people on that forum acted. Just not helpful at all and nothing but cruel. I typed a very lengthy response in which I basically told them what I thought of them but I never sent it and decided just not to go back on there anymore. Lol. It's the Foster Adoptive Families room I believe at Adoptive Family Circle. We were referred to that site too many times, but I won't be going back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ibisgirldc
I'm in Washington County, VA which is very rural and is in southwest VA. Here we had to do everything just like everyone else EXCEPT the classes. Lol. We did have training but we didn't have long term stuff because there aren't enough foster families at one time to do classes. Our case manager came to our home and did our class for us in one session. It was about three hours long and is normally longer, but since I work in education and have dealt with behavior of kids for years and have also worked in day cares with infants and toddlers we didn't have to spend as much time on the behaviors and things like that. I don't recall that there was anything about the legal process in the training BEFORE the 75 day hearing which, if we still have her, is scheduled for Jan 29th. So...who knows...that would have been helpful to have more information about the legal process because I think that's the hardest part to understand.
In other happy news though. We had our first visit today and it went VERY well! We met birth mom right away and she was very sweet and said she didn't know if it was okay or not but that she really wanted to meet us because she'd worried so much about where the baby was and what was happening with her. I told her of course it was okay and that we were happy to meet her. I told her all about baby girl, how well she eats and sleeps, what makes her mad and what she likes and what formula she's on. I gave her a book of pictures with a card in it about her weight and measurements and all of that. She said she felt so much better meeting us and knowing who had her. Mom was obviously trying not to cry which about got me going too. She gave us a bunch of stuff the hospital gave her, and she got baby girl a sweet and soft little teddy bear. I figure we'll take a picture of her with her bear for the next visit. I was also thinking of getting a pic of baby girl with mom and printing that one for her as well.
The visit made us feel kind of guilty and definitely sad. Mom obviously loves her so much, and it's just so hard for her. I just hate that she's in the position not because of a bad decision she made but because of something that she can't control. We do feel now though, that if she leaves, she'll be going to people who really love her and want the best for her and that's all we want too. The SW called after the visit and told us thank you so much for the pictures that it meant the world to mom and she felt so much better meeting us. Thank goodness! I can't imagine the visit going better!
Wow...what a great meeting, I am so glad you got to do that...and she wasn't as bad as you feared. I love your photo ideas, very sweet!Quote:
Originally Posted by Leah26
and keep telling yourself that if she goes back to that loving mom... wow, what an AMAZING thing that you did in being a parent in a child's time of need. That baby is learning so much from you (and you from her). Few people put themselves out there to sacrifice so much for people who aren't their own kin (and as you can see through these programs, many don't ever do it even for those who are); this kid will have a chance at life because you kept her safe while mom recovered.
Or maybe she ends up with you. Slim, but who knows... Day by day.
(And you can remind me of all of what i typed in this thread when they come to take away the first kid that i fall for, too. :( )
Anyway, while I'm not a religious person, in this case, i think the saying that things happen for a reason is applicable. Whether it's God's plan, destiny or whatever, every experience, this one included, adds to who you are. That makes you more prepared for the next stage and maybe the next kid. Maybe for THE kid. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that things work out for everyone involved.
I'll remind you if I need to. :) It sucks in this situation to constantly have to remind yourself, "this isn't my forever family yet, this isn't my forever child yet, if it ever will be." I feel like it makes so much harder to enjoy the time just because you can't enjoy it the way you would if you knew everything would stay as it is. We'll get there though. We're just taking a different road than others. I keep reading Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken over and over. It's always been my favorite poem but it just applies so much to this situation I think that I love it even more now. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by ibisgirldc