getting Christian advice from a non Christian

My MIL often gives me "Christian" advice, and she is not a Christian. For instance today, she told me that she knows a conservative Christian couple (who gave my BIL Love & Respect, who then gave it to us). She says they looked through the Bible and felt they should have a Christian marriage and now the DH is the primary provider and authority and makes all the decisions and the wife takes care of the home and honors and affirms all his decisions without question. To me, this is not a Christian marriage and I doubt she knows intimate details of this couple's marriage. Yes, the head of household is the man, but he should seek God's wisdom in decisions and also love his wife and take her opinions and concerns into consideration. I feel like she is telling me to have her son (my DH) make all the decisions in our marriage and just go with it and she does not understand the whole seeking God and praying before decisions and being a spiritual leader (which is not happening).

I really do not know how to respond. This is not the first time she has given me "biblically-based" advice that was totally off. She loves to throw out the verse about wives submitting. She knows that my faith is important to me, so I see it as an "angle" that she uses to get me to do things her way as she can be very controlling. how do I respond in a respectful, honoring way?

Oh dear. :( What a MIL!

I would have a hard time with that. My MIL has never tried to tell us how our marriage should be and thankfully so! It's none of her business.
I guess I'd probably say something like, "Thank you for thinking of us, but I don't think that situation would really work for us. I believe in the Bible, but how each couple applies that to their own marriage is going to be different." IDK. It's a tough one!

At first I thought this was going to be a thread about receiving great advice from non-Christian friends, which I've had, and which I guess is kind of the opposite shoe to what you are describing. I have gotten great advice about relationships and emotional healing from my Humanist and UU friends. I think there is good in everyone. :)

yeah, a HUGE root in our marital problems have to do with the whole cleaving/leaving of DH and his mom. Ugh.

I have also received good advice from non-Christians, but they never try to base it on the Bible.

I also do not know if I can bring this up with DH since many of our discussions about her turn into arguments.

yeah, a HUGE root in our marital problems have to do with the whole cleaving/leaving of DH and his mom. Ugh.

I have also received good advice from non-Christians, but they never try to base it on the Bible.

I also do not know if I can bring this up with DH since many of our discussions about her turn into arguments.

Honestly I think I'd ignore it unless your dh actually brings up the topic with you.

I would probably give some sort of non committal response and change the subject in a polite manner.

Wow, how frustrating! I agree with you, a biblically based Christian marriage is not merely a dictatorship.

I also think changing the subject and ignoring her advice is a good way to go. I know its hard though, especially if she is putting the same advice in your DH's head.

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Originally Posted by KC's wifey

Wow, how frustrating! I agree with you, a biblically based Christian marriage is not merely a dictatorship.

I also think changing the subject and ignoring her advice is a good way to go. I know its hard though, especially if she is putting the same advice in your DH's head.

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I have ignored all the other advice. I am just so tired of it. She started the email asking if I have read the book yet. I will probably just respond to that question.

I don;t know if she is telling DH the same thing. DH says he no longer goes to her for advice, and I believe that is true. It's really hard to be respectful and to honor my MIL. I really struggle with that. The more that she pushes this stuff, the more I push her out of my life. Before this email, I was thinking of inviting her over this week, but now I just feel like, I need to have separation from her. It's so tough.

From what I've read of Love & Respect, it does NOT teach what she thinks it does. The whole point of the book is that wives need to respect their husbands AND husbands need to love their wives (which he goes into detail about how that means talking with her, listening to her opinions, taking her concerns into consideration, etc., etc.)
She hasn't read the book herself, has she? That's really besides the point, though, I guess.

Are you and your DH on the same page as far as her advice giving? In my marriage, if there is an issue going on with his parents, we discuss it, come to a conclusion, and then he handles it. If its with my family, we discuss it, etc., and then I handle it. OR, we give each other permission to handle things in a certain way with our respective inlaws. That way, we stand as a united front with whatever is going on.

Polly, we have not really talked about how we want to deal with IL issues. It used to be DH would talk to MIL about things that would bother me. It was not necessarily us discussing things since DH is torn between my wishes and MIL's, and they are often not the same. He would often "side" with me, and ask his mom to not do something. The other day, she sent an email that really angered me. When I told DH, he told me that it was between us, and that I should handle it, though I think he said something to her since she apologized without me really saying anything. I do not think it really came across as a united front though, and I am sure it wasn't.

My parents aren't really involved in our personal lives at all. They don't want to be, and I don't want them knowing everything either. So, nothing has really come up.

That is something to think about though. I always feel like it is me vs. MIL. That DH is always choosing me or MIL.

It sounds more like a MIL/boundary issue than a non-Christian giving advice issue. Even if she was Christian and her advice well grounded, would you welcome her giving you books (that she insists you read) and advice on your marriage?

Something I've said to my own mother is simply shrug and say, "It's not your decision (concern, choice)." I'm also working on not triangulating- If I'm talking about someone, I probably should be talking to them about whatever it is. Sometimes, I think this goes against presenting a unified front- but when I put it in action, it has not thus far as Dh has been supportive.

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Originally Posted by marmar

It sounds more like a MIL/boundary issue than a non-Christian giving advice issue. Even if she was Christian and her advice well grounded, would you welcome her giving you books (that she insists you read) and advice on your marriage?

Something I've said to my own mother is simply shrug and say, "It's not your decision (concern, choice)." I'm also working on not triangulating- If I'm talking about someone, I probably should be talking to them about whatever it is. Sometimes, I think this goes against presenting a unified front- but when I put it in action, it has not thus far as Dh has been supportive.

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that is the bigger issue. i do not want her advice on our marriage at all, but I especially do not want her trying to find a Biblical base for her advice. She is the one who offered to by me "The Secret" I responded that I steer away from books like that because of my beliefs. So, I feel like she feels the need to keep giving advice, but wants it to be Biblically based. You are right that her need to give advice and be involved in our relationship is the bigger overall issue. It just really rubs me the wrong way when she tries to use my faith and my religion as a way to get me to do what she wants. I find it very manipulative. I guess if she was a Christian, it would still bother me.

I would not mind her giving me the book. I feel very manipulated though. I thought the book was DH's brother's, and that he was just going to lend it to us. It was brand new, and on my kitchen counter one day after he and MIL were over. I assumed BIL brought it over. But, MIL in her email asked if I read the book SHE gave me. I wonder if she has been looking for a Christian book to give me since I did not want her other. If she were a Christian, and had read the book, and she sincerely told me something like "I read this book, and loved it. I thought you might too." Then maybe I would better appreciate it.

I just feel like she thinks a Christian marriage is having her son dominate everything and me to just sit submissively by. And, if her son is in control, that means he will do whatever she wants, like come over the house every single day. She is very manipulative, and I feel that that is the angle she is taking. Every time I bring up issues with her to my DH, it just causes more problems with us.

It just really rubbed me the wrong way to have a non-Christian who does not know much about the Bible to use the Bible to get me to act a certain way. It would bother me if it was a friend, co-worker, anyone.

The manipulation would bother me as well- I would feel like an assault could come at anytime. I've dealt with it with a parent, but not an in-law and it is a bit trickier perhaps with an in-law. :hugs:

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Originally Posted by marmar

The manipulation would bother me as well- I would feel like an assault could come at anytime. I've dealt with it with a parent, but not an in-law and it is a bit trickier perhaps with an in-law. :hugs:

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I think at this point, i am just not going to respond. It is so hard for me to be respectful towards her. i struggle a lot with it. i think the best thing would be to let it go since I cannot speak to DH about this. I am not sure he would understand my point of view as he sees his mom as "just trying to help", which may be part of it, but she has tried so many different "angles" with me - and not just my marriage - with my kids, with DH's job, with everything. This was just the angle that bothered me the most.

I woukd be very very honest with her and let her know you know she only wants to help but you would appreciate it if she would quit discussing your marriage, period.

The love and respect book is nothing like she thinks it is.

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Originally Posted by hanvan2

I woukd be very very honest with her and let her know you know she only wants to help but you would appreciate it if she would quit discussing your marriage, period.

The love and respect book is nothing like she thinks it is.

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thanks. i am only on the second chapter since its not on my kindle and i do all my reading while nursing at night :)

this particular email was so indirect, like, "here is this traditional christian couple. they gave bil the book. the husband has the power; the wife agrees w/o question. have you read the book?"

so, it's not specifically giving advice, but she is, you know?

Ahhh, I see. Yes, I woukd ignore all comments, emails, convos about these things.

I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. If it were me it would burn me to no end!

I think I would just try to ignore her.You might try to politely tell her that you feel that it is best to only accept marital advice from Christians. And that accepting marital advice from your MIL, while you love and respect her, has the potential to cause stress and conflict and you don't want that.

I hope things get better for you Lisa I really do.

Has anyone (pastor, counselor, etc) spoken with your DH about separating from his mother? Maybe that would help.

Yes, we have had pastors and counselors tell us about it. I did ask DH that he do not go to his mom with our issues, so that is a start. I know he is an adult, and he is responsible for his actions, but this is the way his mother has been for over 30 years. She is very intrusive and controlling. She does it in a nice way so that her sons do not see at as controlling or manipulative. It is always under the whole "I'll do anything to help." Honestly, the whole family needs family counseling. DH's older brother who is married still spends 2-3 nights a week at his mom's house. She still cooks nearly every dinner for him, and does his laundry. So, for DH to be actually living with me and the boys is probably too much for MIL. I feel like I have to take it one step at a time. We have DH living here at home. He does not tell her at least about our problems. If I could get her out of the other areas of our life, it would be great, but I cannot be the one to keep telling him to stop calling his mother for every little thing. I have prayed to God to let Him take care of it. I do struggle, like I said, though, with respecting her and honoring her as a parent. The more she tries to push her way into my life, the more I want to push her out and limit her contact with us. They are actually leaving for vacation for a few weeks, and we already said our goodbyes. I felt a sense of relief knowing I would have a few weeks without them. They are constantly asking when they can come over, and really, if she weren't so into our business, I would be so much more relaxed about her coming over, but I feel like I need to set up boundaries, and I can at least do that by not having her over during the week when I am solo. Anyway, they are coming over this afternoon since DH asked for them to come by for a brief visit before they leave tomorrow. I wanted to give in to his preferences this time since I am always saying no, i don't want them over, and we don't need any more tension in our relationship.

I am so not in the right state of mind to see her since I am still thinking about this.

Yes, we have had pastors and counselors tell us about it. I did ask DH that he do not go to his mom with our issues, so that is a start. I know he is an adult, and he is responsible for his actions, but this is the way his mother has been for over 30 years. She is very intrusive and controlling. She does it in a nice way so that her sons do not see at as controlling or manipulative. It is always under the whole "I'll do anything to help." Honestly, the whole family needs family counseling. DH's older brother who is married still spends 2-3 nights a week at his mom's house. She still cooks nearly every dinner for him, and does his laundry. So, for DH to be actually living with me and the boys is probably too much for MIL. I feel like I have to take it one step at a time. We have DH living here at home. He does not tell her at least about our problems. If I could get her out of the other areas of our life, it would be great, but I cannot be the one to keep telling him to stop calling his mother for every little thing. I have prayed to God to let Him take care of it. I do struggle, like I said, though, with respecting her and honoring her as a parent. The more she tries to push her way into my life, the more I want to push her out and limit her contact with us. They are actually leaving for vacation for a few weeks, and we already said our goodbyes. I felt a sense of relief knowing I would have a few weeks without them. They are constantly asking when they can come over, and really, if she weren't so into our business, I would be so much more relaxed about her coming over, but I feel like I need to set up boundaries, and I can at least do that by not having her over during the week when I am solo. Anyway, they are coming over this afternoon since DH asked for them to come by for a brief visit before they leave tomorrow. I wanted to give in to his preferences this time since I am always saying no, i don't want them over, and we don't need any more tension in our relationship.

I am so not in the right state of mind to see her since I am still thinking about this.

:hugs: Wow it sounds like your MIL and her sons have a very dysfunctional relationship. Have you or anyone else talked to your DH about how this isn't normal or healthy? Have you all discussed possibly leaving the area? I know that may seem extreme but if you lived say 10 hours away it would be very hard for her to be over often or DH to be over there. Also if they don't have access to one another then they can't be engaging in unhealthy behaviors.

Just some thoughts and maybe some things to pray about.

thanks. we have. I think DH is really trying to distance himself a bit more. We have talked about relocating, but there are still emails and phone calls. I do pray about it often. I try not to dwell on it too much and leave it in God's hands. There is not really anything I can do, you know?

I said a little prayer before she came over today just to help me gracious and loving when she came, and I was. I am very glad that I just gave in to DH with the visit. I know it made DH happy, and it all turned out very well.

thanks. we have. I think DH is really trying to distance himself a bit more. We have talked about relocating, but there are still emails and phone calls. I do pray about it often. I try not to dwell on it too much and leave it in God's hands. There is not really anything I can do, you know?

I said a little prayer before she came over today just to help me gracious and loving when she came, and I was. I am very glad that I just gave in to DH with the visit. I know it made DH happy, and it all turned out very well.