Need advice on reconciling with terminally ill parent

Hi ladies,

I haven't been posting for a long time but I need some Chrisitan perspectives on whether or not reconciling with my father who is terminally ill and very abusive is the "right" or "Christian" thing to do. :ohno: He has bone cancer and was given 6 months to live. I want to reconcile, tell him I wish him well, that I care, and that I will be praying for him like I always have been. I feel like it is my duty as a Christian role model to my DD to be able to take this visible step in forgiveness and compassion towards a dying man. I am also worried that of he dies without my making peace with him, it will screw with my head and cause a lot of guilty feelings.

However, DH thinks that since the man is mentally ill and was very, very physically abusive and is currently very emotionally abusive I ought to just stay away. He supports me no matter what because he has no experience with a crazy, abusive parent. I am getting a lot of conflicting advice from friends and family.

DH said this evening that I don't seem to want to do this as my Christian duty and it isn't my Christian duty or commandment of my faith. I have forgiven the man for his past mistreatment and current mistreatment of me - but as a safety measure I don't speak to him. He makes me feel nuts and scared; he is toxic to deal with. But I don't want to miss this opportunity to do the right thing...which I think is speaking to him and trying to give him some confort during his last days. I live 1000 miles from him so it would be phone/email/mail contact.

Thoughts? Sorry if this is a little scattered, I am not even sure what I am asking. I just need some good Christian advice.

I don't know all the details, but I doubt you can 100% reconcile before he is gone, with him being mentally ill and all of that.

I think what I would do is to send short letters via mail and maybe include a pic or two of your family, if you think that would bring him comfort. I wouldn't talk on the phone or even email, to keep that barrier of safety for you and your fam.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. :hugs:

Yeah, I know I won't be able to reconcile with him 100%...I guess I just don't know if I ought to even try since the Hallmark moment won't happen and it will be mostly lost on him and emotionally hard on me. I don't know if I have a Christian responsibility to do something (even a small something) because my father is dying from a horrible disease. Good Samaritan, but with my dad, you know? That sort of thing.

He will be happy to hear from me, but then start getting angry and paranoid and acting out. I thought about writing letters to keep myself safe. He has never seen DD and I thought about including a few family pics. But he also recently called my city's police department and told them that he was concerned for DD's welfare because he hadn't heard from her in a while. He acted like they had this great relationship...even though he has never seen her and she is TWO and can't really have a relationship with anyone.

Sigh. This is hard. Thanks for the response.

that is so so hard. I know me and I'd probably want to see/talk with him a little before he's gone but again I don't know the details. (((hugs))) I hope you can find peace with all of this.

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Originally Posted by mrsbabyhead

Yeah, I know I won't be able to reconcile with him 100%...I guess I just don't know if I ought to even try since the Hallmark moment won't happen and it will be mostly lost on him and emotionally hard on me. I don't know if I have a Christian responsibility to do something (even a small something) because my father is dying from a horrible disease. Good Samaritan, but with my dad, you know? That sort of thing.

He will be happy to hear from me, but then start getting angry and paranoid and acting out. I thought about writing letters to keep myself safe. He has never seen DD and I thought about including a few family pics. But he also recently called my city's police department and told them that he was concerned for DD's welfare because he hadn't heard from her in a while. He acted like they had this great relationship...even though he has never seen her and she is TWO and can't really have a relationship with anyone.

Sigh. This is hard. Thanks for the response.

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:hugs:

If hearing from you would lead him to act out and be unsafe, I may not do anything. Other than pray for him. Maybe God will swing a door wide open for communication, and maybe not. :hugs: Praying for you!

I would get in contact with him before he dies. A letter or and email. Get out your feelings, tell him things you've always wanted to tell him. Show him pics of his grand daughter. Put your foot foreward and see what happens.

Personally, my dad passed away suddenly. I didn't get to say goodbye. I was fortunate enough to be able to have a wonderful conversation with him about 2 years before he passed. I think it helped me deal with his death easier because of that.

It doesn't matter if your close to a parent or not. When that person dies, it's a horrible empty feeling. If you have a chance to talk to them, DO! Don't let those words go unspoken. Maybe not for them but for you. Get them out because once they are gone you'll never get that chance back.

:hugs:Good luck, I hope you are able to make peace with your father:hugs:

I agree with everything Amanda said. :hugs: I'm so sorry. I'm sure its overwhelming and confusing all the emotions you must be experiencing right now.
Praying God will give you wisdom and peace. :hugs:

Thanks for the advice everyone. See how confusing this is? :crazy:

I hate being affected by this but like DeDee33 said, it is a death of a parent and it will leave an empty feeling. I will also be mourning the fact that I will never have a daddy like other people have. It does make me really appreciate what a totally awesome father my DH is to our DD, so I guess that is good.

For clarification, he won't get violent when I contact him. He is 74 years old and is more emotionally and mentally abusive now. He beat us when we were kids but stopped when we were teens. He is nice to a lot of people but gets weird and manipulative and angry towards family or people who get close to him. He's like John Lithgow's character on Dexter. :ohno: A quirky but nice guy who goes to church....and abuses his family in private. Or he uses the cops or other people to basically harass, taunt, and embarrass his victim.

That is why I am inclined to write him rather than call (visiting is out of the question, he is in WI and I am in NC). He won't be able to get to me, you know? But I am opening a door either way. I think I can stand 6 months of possible harassment but perhaps even opening that door is stupid...hence the post.

I feel so called to do something. I just don't know what or if this comes from the already empty spot where a good father ought to be in my heart. I've asked my MIL who is a godly woman and is just far enough removed from the situation to be objective to pray about it. We'll talk about it tonight and see what we come up with.

Just by the sounds of your few posts here it sounds like you want to contact him and understandably so. Does he know how to contact you or know where you live? Is it possible to write him a letter and not put a return address on it? I think that is great of you to want to do this. Sounds like there isn't much he can do to you from where he is so I don't think it could hurt. Just write what your heart tells you and all the things you want to tell him so that when he does pass you can go on knowing that you made your peace with him. I am sorry you are struggling with this..no matter what you do decide to do it is so obvious that you are such a good person and God knows that!

I think that you should write him a letter which would allow you to say the things that you need to say but would also protect yourself from further abuse. I would provide him the option, however, to respond back maybe through a third party that you would trust to keep his response from you in case it is ridiculous or abusive. If he did write back and it was awful, I'd want the person to tell me that he never responded. At least I think that is what I would want (I have an absent father...).

I think you should write him. From your posts it sounds like you are being called to do so. To me it sounds like there will be even more pain if you don't reach out. I think you need to decide whether or not you would like a response. I am not sure if you have had contact with him since his diagnosis but something like that can really change people and he could be a whole different person or not. I will pray for you in hopes that God leads you down the right path.

Thank you everyone for your insights and advice. :wub: You all rock!

I just had an amazing conversation with my MIL. She actually was reading a devotional abount forgiveness this weekend and she wanted to share it with me because she wondered if I had considered reaching out to my dad. So that coupled with my own feeling of wanting to reach out make me really know that God is urging me to write him a letter.

I am going to write him a letter and tell him I know we haven't had a good reltionship but I am not going to talk about that or place blame. And then I am going to talk about the fun and good things about my childhood or our relationship. Yes, there are some fun stories and good things. I will dwell on those and God willing, those will bring him some comfort and peace. Maybe it will even encourage him to ask the Lord for forgiveness for his part in the past. Sine it will be a letter, he will be able to read it more than once and will be able to hopefully, treasure it. And if DH agrees, I will include a few pictures of us and DD.

I feel really, really good about this now. Please pray for me and for wisdom while I write this letter. I want to make God proud!

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Originally Posted by mrsbabyhead

Thank you everyone for your insights and advice. :wub: You all rock!

I just had an amazing conversation with my MIL. She actually was reading a devotional abount forgiveness this weekend and she wanted to share it with me because she wondered if I had considered reaching out to my dad. So that coupled with my own feeling of wanting to reach out make me really know that God is urging me to write him a letter.

I am going to write him a letter and tell him I know we haven't had a good reltionship but I am not going to talk about that or place blame. And then I am going to talk about the fun and good things about my childhood or our relationship. Yes, there are some fun stories and good things. I will dwell on those and God willing, those will bring him some comfort and peace. Maybe it will even encourage him to ask the Lord for forgiveness for his part in the past. Sine it will be a letter, he will be able to read it more than once and will be able to hopefully, treasure it. And if DH agrees, I will include a few pictures of us and DD.

I feel really, really good about this now. Please pray for me and for wisdom while I write this letter. I want to make God proud!

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:hugs: This made me tear up. :wub: Praying God gives you the words He would have you say that will glorify Him and give you peace. And thanking Him for the wisdom and peace He has already given you.

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Originally Posted by KC's wifey

:hugs: This made me tear up. :wub: Praying God gives you the words He would have you say that will glorify Him and give you peace. And thanking Him for the wisdom and peace He has already given you.

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This. :hugs: :)

beautiful. You're on my heart! That has to be such a hard thing to do.

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Originally Posted by Sakura

I don't know all the details, but I doubt you can 100% reconcile before he is gone, with him being mentally ill and all of that.

I think what I would do is to send short letters via mail and maybe include a pic or two of your family, if you think that would bring him comfort. I wouldn't talk on the phone or even email, to keep that barrier of safety for you and your fam.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. :hugs:

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ITA!

My DH's father was very abusive to him and his mother and then with me when DH and I got married. We were still very much a part of his life until he disowned my DH. We have not had contact with him for 2 years. If he were to call us (or if we were to find out) that he was dying...I would send letters but not much more than that. I can't put my kids or DH in harms way. We love my FIL and have forgiven him for all of the hurtful things he has done in the past but it is now important to protect our spirits and our children's as well.

I'm glad you have a plan that feels right for you. I hope it works out. I hope it helps you to have closure and that it gives your dad a bit of comfort in his last days.

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Originally Posted by Mrs. C

ITA!

My DH's father was very abusive to him and his mother and then with me when DH and I got married. We were still very much a part of his life until he disowned my DH. We have not had contact with him for 2 years. If he were to call us (or if we were to find out) that he was dying...I would send letters but not much more than that. I can't put my kids or DH in harms way. We love my FIL and have forgiven him for all of the hurtful things he has done in the past but it is now important to protect our spirits and our children's as well.

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This is how I feel. The hard thing for me was trying to tease the answer to "how far can I go without hurting my family?" out of my jumbled feelings. I wrote him and sent him a few pictures; if he calls I won't be answering the phone. He won't show up because I live 1000 miles away and he is too sick.

And I am aware that this might just turn him into a needy, angry, pleading, phone/mail/email stalker. :crazy: He already does this. I can handle 6 months of him calling/emailing/mailing me because DH always intercepts whatever he sends. My father can feel or act however he wants to now. I am in control of my feelings and God is in control of the larger picture. I choose to be at peace and choose to let it be God's problem now.

I said what I needed to say and I gave the man the type of comfort I was able to in his dying days. I feel good that I can stand before my family and my God and say that I've publically forgiven him and showed him Christian love, charity, and warm fuzzies. He is the Lord's now and he will have to face Him on his own.

You know, this whole experience has made me so much closer to my MIL and so much closer to God. Isn't that cool?!

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Originally Posted by mrsbabyhead

This is how I feel. The hard thing for me was trying to tease the answer to "how far can I go without hurting my family?" out of my jumbled feelings. I wrote him and sent him a few pictures; if he calls I won't be answering the phone. He won't show up because I live 1000 miles away and he is too sick.

And I am aware that this might just turn him into a needy, angry, pleading, phone/mail/email stalker. :crazy: He already does this. I can handle 6 months of him calling/emailing/mailing me because DH always intercepts whatever he sends. My father can feel or act however he wants to now. I am in control of my feelings and God is in control of the larger picture. I choose to be at peace and choose to let it be God's problem now.

I said what I needed to say and I gave the man the type of comfort I was able to in his dying days. I feel good that I can stand before my family and my God and say that I've publically forgiven him and showed him Christian love, charity, and warm fuzzies. He is the Lord's now and he will have to face Him on his own.

You know, this whole experience has made me so much closer to my MIL and so much closer to God. Isn't that cool?!

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That's awesome. :D :hugs:

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Originally Posted by mrsbabyhead

You know, this whole experience has made me so much closer to my MIL and so much closer to God. Isn't that cool?!

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That is wonderful. :) :hugs:

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Originally Posted by mrsbabyhead

This is how I feel. The hard thing for me was trying to tease the answer to "how far can I go without hurting my family?" out of my jumbled feelings. I wrote him and sent him a few pictures; if he calls I won't be answering the phone. He won't show up because I live 1000 miles away and he is too sick.

And I am aware that this might just turn him into a needy, angry, pleading, phone/mail/email stalker. :crazy: He already does this. I can handle 6 months of him calling/emailing/mailing me because DH always intercepts whatever he sends. My father can feel or act however he wants to now. I am in control of my feelings and God is in control of the larger picture. I choose to be at peace and choose to let it be God's problem now.

I said what I needed to say and I gave the man the type of comfort I was able to in his dying days. I feel good that I can stand before my family and my God and say that I've publically forgiven him and showed him Christian love, charity, and warm fuzzies. He is the Lord's now and he will have to face Him on his own.

You know, this whole experience has made me so much closer to my MIL and so much closer to God. Isn't that cool?!

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:wub: You have such a loving and caring heart. God bless you and be with you during this difficult time of losing your father.:hugs:

Doing God's will is always rewarding.

Thank you everyone for the advice and support. Having few Christian friends IRL while having this spiritual quandry was very difficult. I'm glad I had this forum to turn to for a place to talk about this. My father should be getting his letter & the pics of my family tomorrow.

God bless all of you fine ladies! :hugs:

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Originally Posted by mrsbabyhead

Thank you everyone for the advice and support. Having few Christian friends IRL while having this spiritual quandry was very difficult. I'm glad I had this forum to turn to for a place to talk about this. My father should be getting his letter & the pics of my family tomorrow.

God bless all of you fine ladies! :hugs:

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:wub: Praying he receives them well! :hugs:

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Originally Posted by Sakura

:wub: Praying he receives them well! :hugs:

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Me too. I'm a bit nervous. :eyeroll:

Somehow I missed this thread... :hugs: Praying for you and your dad as he receives his letters...

Hi again everyone! I wanted to let you know that my dad got the letters and actually called me and said he was sorry for the past and asked me to forgive him. :shocker: It was on VM and he cried a lot. He is very, very sick. He had a heart attack right before he received the letters and by some miracle he survived. I've been emailing him but haven't spoken to him. He is telling everyone how beautiful my DD is and how happy my reaching out made him.

So this was definately a good thing.

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Originally Posted by mrsbabyhead

Hi again everyone! I wanted to let you know that my dad got the letters and actually called me and said he was sorry for the past and asked me to forgive him. :shocker: It was on VM and he cried a lot. He is very, very sick. He had a heart attack right before he received the letters and by some miracle he survived. I've been emailing him but haven't spoken to him. He is telling everyone how beautiful my DD is and how happy my reaching out made him.

So this was definately a good thing.

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That is awesome, :hugs: Im sure its still not easy, but Im glad your feeling like it was a good thing.

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Originally Posted by mrsbabyhead

Hi again everyone! I wanted to let you know that my dad got the letters and actually called me and said he was sorry for the past and asked me to forgive him. :shocker: It was on VM and he cried a lot. He is very, very sick. He had a heart attack right before he received the letters and by some miracle he survived. I've been emailing him but haven't spoken to him. He is telling everyone how beautiful my DD is and how happy my reaching out made him.

So this was definately a good thing.

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Praise God for such a great response. :wub:

That is wonderful! I'm so glad that you listened to God and that he blessed you with a fantastic outcome!