Stupid Comments Vent Thread

All of us who have lost babies have received idiotic comments. So I thought I'd post this thread for us to be able to vent!

What kind of stupid comments have you received?

I'll start.

The most recent comment I had was this: "At least she won't get the chance to grow up, make bad decisions, and end up losing her salvation. At least now you know she made it to heaven." What the heck?????

I also hate when people say "hearing your story made me so grateful for my own children. As soon as I read about your loss I went home and snuggled my healthy babies." That's great, and you should feel that way, but thanks for reminding me what I don't have!


I'm sure I'll think of more to add.

Anyone else????

I must be going through the angry phase of my grief because I have needed to vent a LOT today!

:hugs: People tend to say alot of stupid stuff but yours by far is the worst of what Ive heard! I cant believe someone would say that to you. The most that po'd me is when my brother wouldnt talk to me for 3 months after Tristan died because he said it was "My fault".

Well let's see, These have all been from my boss:shocker:
It must have been meant to be, if there was something wrong with the baby you won't have a retarded baby to deal with.

this was about us TTC again;
You need to wait for at least a year or your baby will be retarded or die again and that will be on you.

Nice huh! Of course she adds that with I'm only saying this cause I care about you. Ok! I'm in a dropp mouthed, holy sh*t did you really say that, stupor! I know how I want to respond but...

Nothing as bad as some of you have described! :( Hugs ladies!

My family has been amazing to us but not everyone.

"At least she died when she was young so you weren't as attached to her."

Luckily it was a family friend I don't see very much, because I don't think I'll ever forget that. Those stupid comments, no matter how well-meant they are, really don't help the anger and the hurt.

I dont think anyone has ever said anything to that sort to me, but if they did I probably have a mental block in place. :(

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Originally Posted by Lydia

"At least she died when she was young so you weren't as attached to her."

Luckily it was a family friend I don't see very much, because I don't think I'll ever forget that. Those stupid comments, no matter how well-meant they are, really don't help the anger and the hurt.

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:shocker: :pokey: Seriously? :hugs:

There were a lot of stupid comments people told me after my miscarriages. There is the stock answer "Well there must have been a reason, there was something wrong with the baby." Another great one was from my boss about two months after my 3rd miscarriage when he asked me "Where did happy Janelle go? What is your deal?" Oh yeah and this was right after I heard he and his wife were expecting...

I remember when I miscarried in 1999, my ex said: "I am so relieved now. What if this baby had a problem, what we'd do then?" DUH!
And the comment of his mother: "Well, it was meant to be. Anyway you aren't financially stable enough to have a child".

Yes, I knew it was meant to be. And there are many ifs in this case. But it HURTS SO MUCH! And people are just insensitive.

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Originally Posted by Lydia

"At least she died when she was young so you weren't as attached to her."

Luckily it was a family friend I don't see very much, because I don't think I'll ever forget that. Those stupid comments, no matter how well-meant they are, really don't help the anger and the hurt.

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:ohno:

Very similar to me being told that I was lucky she stayed in the NICU the whole time because I didn't really get a chance to bond with her the way I would have with a "normal" baby.

I HATE being told that "she's in a better place." I don't care what amount of faith a person has, as a mom, no place is better than with me.

I've been told I was lucky that I didn't have all the normal pregnancy weight to lose because I had her so early.

"Aren't you glad you just have two?" That's been said to me so many times when I've been out with my girls. Often by people who don't know me from Adam, so they have no clue how it cuts. But it's been said by my brothers, people at church, family friends, etc. People who should know better. I mean, I've thought similar things myself when in the throes of some meltdowns with the girls, but it's totally different for me, the mom, to think that than for someone else to tell me that I'm basically lucky that my baby died. :pokey:

I always "loved" the comment, at least you still have your boys. Yes true, thank God but it doesn't help heal the pain, I should have had 3 boys.

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Originally Posted by gigglynell

There were a lot of stupid comments people told me after my miscarriages. There is the stock answer "Well there must have been a reason, there was something wrong with the baby." Another great one was from my boss about two months after my 3rd miscarriage when he asked me "Where did happy Janelle go? What is your deal?" Oh yeah and this was right after I heard he and his wife were expecting...

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Yeah, not even a month after my loss my boss said" your just not the same anymore, what happened to the person that knew her job and was happy" umm gee let's see.....
And yes I go the "there must have been a reason or something wrong with the baby" Um no he was perfect and an IC was the reason.

Hugs to all of you. I've never lost, but I sure know that, as a mother, there is a huge hole no matter if you were 6wks pg or your baby is 25yrs old... WTH are these people thinking? If they don't know what to say, they should simply say, sorry or nothing at all.

You know I honestly believe that people who have never been through it say things in order to see "the bright side of things" That's all well and good if it's something that has nothing to due with your heart and soul.:ohno:

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Originally Posted by altigger74

You know I honestly believe that people who have never been through it say things in order to see "the bright side of things" That's all well and good if it's something that has nothing to due with your heart and soul.:ohno:

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Maybe that's the pessimist (sp?) in me. I've never BTDT, but I don't need to for me to understand that it's the most difficult, by far, to have to deal with.

The two 'best' I have got were:

1) A long email from a friend who gave birth two weeks after my sons were born going into endless detail about her delight in her newborn, his every sound and smell... I mean, who sends that to a mother whose children have just died?

2) And just last week, an old room mate sent me a doozy where she explained how when her daughter was born a few months ago, she felt such a rush of love for her, so once my daughter was born I'll feel that love too and it will "resolve a lot of feelings about [my] sons". WTF?! :pokey: What makes her think that I didn't love my sons? Or that I'll be all "Oh, now that I have a living baby I LOVE and I'm a "real mother" I can forget all about those silly troublesome unloved dead babies" W?T?F?

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's being advised or lectured about motherly love, as though I hadn't had children and loved them as much as any mother. I wanted to write back and say 'Well, after that rush of love, how would you have felt if you had to watch your daughter die?"

But I just didn't reply at all. What would I say? :ohno:

Mostly people have been pretty good though. I think the best thing is when people say "I can't even imagine how it feels, but I'm thinking of you and wish you comfort." That always makes me feel less lonely and more understood, even when the person is basically saying that they don't understand.

ETA: can I just point out that I just noticed that according to my ticker, I'm only 10 days form term. Holy smokes and hallelujah!

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Originally Posted by altigger74

I always "loved" the comment, at least you still have your boys. Yes true, thank God but it doesn't help heal the pain, I should have had 3 boys.

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This comment really cuts me deep, too. Because yes, I do have two beautiful children, but that doesn't mean they make me forget about my pain or my baby. I'm so thankful for them, but it doesn't mean it hurts less.

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Originally Posted by DucksLikeRain

:ohno:


I HATE being told that "she's in a better place." I don't care what amount of faith a person has, as a mom, no place is better than with me.

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I really hate this comment, too. "Bean's with God, with our grandparents, etc... in a good place.." I know that. But I don't feel that so stop TELLING ME. :pokey: A baby should be with mom. Period.

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Originally Posted by Aubrey

Hugs to all of you. I've never lost, but I sure know that, as a mother, there is a huge hole no matter if you were 6wks pg or your baby is 25yrs old... WTH are these people thinking? If they don't know what to say, they should simply say, sorry or nothing at all.

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This is what is so hard for me to understand. When these comments come from someone who has never experienced motherhood, maybe it's easier to brush off. But if you've been a mother at all, you should know better than to say some of these things! A coworker who has never experienced a loss reads my blog, and she said even though she hasn't gone through what I have, being a mother is enough for her to understand the things I say and feel my pain.

I also get irritated with the people who have told me "well, most people go on to have a healthy baby, some way or another". That's great, and I am glad about that, but those children will NEVER replace Madelyn. Madelyn is my firstborn, always will be. Most people would even go so far as to say that when their pet dies, a new pet will never replace their old one. Do they not understand how much more this is true with a child?

I have found the very best thing anyone can say is a simple "I'm so sorry" or "we will always remember Madelyn."

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ETA: can I just point out that I just noticed that according to my ticker, I'm only 10 days form term. Holy smokes and hallelujah!

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:hooray:

People tend to say stupid things when you lose a pregnancy, huh? :eyeroll:

I've gotten some of the same stuff in the past about my earlier losses. The "oh well it just wasn't meant to be" and "you're better off since there must have been something wrong with the baby."

With this recent one I've gotten the classic, "at least you have 1 healthy kid." Yep. And I also have a dead, unhealthy kid. Thanks for reminding me, and now that you mention it, no it really doesn't make me feel any better at all. :pokey: :ohno:

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Originally Posted by DucksLikeRain

:ohno:


I HATE being told that "she's in a better place." I don't care what amount of faith a person has, as a mom, no place is better than with me.

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This.

And similar, "God has a plan." I refuse to believe God's plan was to smite my little ones when they were so wanted and loved, and let people who don't care about their children pop out healthy babies without issue.

The two worst ones I got still hurt to this day. I'm not sure I'll ever get completely over the hurt they caused. The first came from a lady at church who had her baby 2 days after I lost Hannah. She walks over to me, holding her newborn and says "at least you have your other kids". Honestly, part of me wanted to punch her lights out! And the other came from my mom. I had a necklace made for Hannah that I always wear. Shortly after I got it, one of my sisters asked about it. I showed them (both of my sisters and my mom were standing there) Hannah's initials on the back. My mom says "Hannah? Who?". Then she must of realized and said "oh that". I just walked away. I've never said anything to her, but it hurt me deeply. She was her grandchild for crying out loud. And never was a "that".

Oh, Pam :ohno: I am so sorry your mom said that to you. It has hurt when my mom has told me that I cannot have a picture of Taela on the living room wall-even one of the NICU ones that Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep edited to get all the tubes and wires, etc out of. She told me it was morbid and in the next breath that it was "too sacred" to be out in the general public and should be in an private place like my bedroom. In otherwords...SHE didn't want to look at it.

Thanks Tif. It would be nice if our families were able to provide the support that we so desperately needed, but I'm thankful that I found APA. Someone who has never been through a loss, really has no clue how deep the pain runs. And sadly many try to push off the loss of a baby as unimportant or not of consequence. But we know better and that allows us to be better able to help someone else through it.

Wow - I can't believe your mom would say that, mom2disney. (((hugs)))

My MIL made a real doozie of a comment tonight. First she starts by saying "You know there are some people that had it even worse then you two with their kids. I have this story but I am not going to tell you because it will make you cry." I was thinking to myself, okay if you are not going to tell me why even bring it up? So then she tells DH and I the story anyway. *rollseyes* The sister of a girl she works with had a full term still birth with her first child. Her second child was born healthy but got diagnosed with luekemia when he was five and is dying. And then the mom is pregnant again but the baby didn't develop hands or feet and will not survive birth. After telling us all this she said that my DH and I should have been thankful that we didn't have it worse with Tyler and that she thinks our next baby will be perfectly healthy.

WTH? I mean I of course really feel for this family and hate that they have had to go through this pain. But why would you EVEN TELL ME THIS? And I should be thankful that my son died? Um no. I don't think I will ever be "thankful" for that. She also has a tendency to tell me things like "It was God's plan". I HATE hearing that. I don't care if it was God's plan, my baby still died and I have a right to mourn him!!

On the way home DH and I talked about it and he couldn't believe she told the story either. Ugh.

Ugh, so sorry.

Hi Ladies,

I don't post here much so here is my short story. I lost my son in May after 6 long months of struggles in the NICU, he was born at 24 weeks and went through so much his lungs colapsed just whent we thought he was comming home. That said...I have heard every quote you guys have mentioned.
1-My husband on the very same week my son died asked me "when are you going to get better?"
2-My MYL !! This woman! When my son was delivered at 24 weeks told me "well, at least you did not gain that much weight and now you can recuperate better", when it came to my son being in the NICU: "Oh, at least you get some "ME" time"
3-My MOM!!!, You should forget about it and never talk about it again...like nothing happened! I deleted all the pictures so I don't have to think about it"

With those comments I stopped talking about my son and just grieve alone and I left clear I don't need support (at least not the kind they are offering) Is hard..every single day.

gigglynell - I agree so much with what you say about people saying it was "God's will" or "God's plan". For one thing, I don't really buy into the fact that God "wills" babies to die, leaving their parents behind to suffer in the worst kind of agony imaginable. Further, as you say, it doesn't help to hear that, so why say it?

AGDiaz - I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry you didn't have the support you needed from those who are closest to you. I think it would have taken everything in me to keep from hitting my mother if she said that to me, and I'm not a violent person at all. I'm just so sorry.

Yesterday I was on the phone with my cousin and he said to me "maybe you weren't ready for a baby yet. Maybe it wasn't your time." !

I know SO many people who DEFINITELY are not ready to be parents, but get to keep their babies! DH and I have stable incomes, a stable home, and would love and cherish our children, and we're not ready, but my (other) cousin who has 2 children she doesn't take care of at all and has already had them taken away from her by CPS once IS ready??? This comment didn't make me as angry as some of the others, but I still find it absolutely ridiculous!