Secular Confessions

:hugs: Of course it's not horrible! You need to take care of yourself in order to be a good mom. It takes a lot of strength and self awareness to recognize and admit when you need help. So you may feel really lost right now but you are on the right path.
I hope you can talk to your therapist. I hope you find answers.
I know how scary it is. Every time I think about/thought about leaving dbf, I was overwhelmed with all of the changes and choices that would have to be made after the initial decision.

sunrider, I just read your new year's story...I'm so sorry about the poop, and the blood and the puking--had enough of bodily fluids yet?
But at least your husband let you off the hook about DTD. My husband threw a ginormous drunken fit because I didn't feel like doing a big masseuse/client roleplaying thing at 1 a.m. when we were both too drunk to know what was going on. I'm not even kidding. (Go ahead laugh, I know you want to)

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Originally Posted by bridgetwu75

:hugs: Of course it's not horrible! You need to take care of yourself in order to be a good mom. It takes a lot of strength and self awareness to recognize and admit when you need help. So you may feel really lost right now but you are on the right path.
I hope you can talk to your therapist. I hope you find answers.
I know how scary it is. Every time I think about/thought about leaving dbf, I was overwhelmed with all of the changes and choices that would have to be made after the initial decision.

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Thanks...I feel so terrible. I just thought I needed space. But I know I'm going to sit here all day and get nothing done...I need a good kick in the pants LOL
My therapist is not much help. She is a pill pusher. LOL I just need someone to talk to and I hope maybe she can refer me to someone. I feel like whenever I talk to her she's like ok what kind of pill can we put you on to fix this? And I just want to talk about it and get to the root of the real problem.

Right now I just wish I had some close friends..so I don't have to pig out and have a glass of wine by myself. (doing what I do best, eating, LOL) My therapist hasn't called me back and the one friend I have, I messaged and she's like, not there..even though I told her what's going on last night...I messaged her today and she hasn't been there at all. (even though she's online and I know she must walk past her computer every once in a while) Thanks a lot.
When DH dropped Josh off at the inlaws he said his mom said she was there if I wanted to talk...which is sweet, but she's in a loveless marriage, never really speaks to FIL unless to bug him or yell at him. Why would I want to confide in her?
So I'm watching bad romantic comedies on HBO, hoping for some sort of message or something to get me out of this funk...

:hugs:

Thanks stephmama. I feel like I am jerking everyone around (including you guys). On again off again, I even drive myself crazy. Just for heaven's sake I want to get over myself but I fall into the same routine of pulling the same crap and saying stuff to DH for dramatic effect rather than saying what I mean.
Other than not having a whole lot in common there is nothing that terrible about DH. He can just be stupid and insensitive. And I know if I had friends or hobbies it wouldn't be so bad.

Ok maybe I need to go find something to do this afternoon? Maybe get dressed today, that would be a good start.

Sunrider, your New Year narrative sounds like mine, only with even more mess and noise!

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Kate, I'm really sorry it's come to this. It sounds like you need to make a plan about what you're doing, where you're going, and what steps you're going to take to realize your goals. I hope you get in touch with your therapist. I know you think she's a pill-pusher, but for some things (like bipolar disorder) there are no treatments that work better than medication. Talk therapy is very useful in developing certain skills and insights, but it won't help by itself. Are you still off your meds?

I think it's a good sign that your dh doesn't want you to go--does that mean he'll wait for you if you come to the realization that you want to be with him again? Or is there a chance he won't be there for you?

I hope you find what you're looking for.

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DH and I had a long talk at dinner last night about whether to continue the potty training. He didn't think they were making good progress, and I asked him to try it for the rest of the weekend and then re-evaluate.

Today's score, pre-nap:
Potty 11
Underwear 0

DD has started telling us when she needs to go and will sit on the potty without prompting. We are really thrilled with the improvement. Even dh is smiling a little bit. We might actually leave the house with them this afternoon.

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Cosmosmom (like the new name, btw), good luck with the weight program. I know you can do it, and sometimes it does take some completely managed food to get back on track. It's hard to really love food and lose weight at the same time. My sister has done a program where she picks up all of her food in prearranged packages based on number of calories and food preferences for months at a time. She hates to cook and she finds it a struggle to think about what is higher-calorie, so she found it very relaxing to not have to deal with anything besides the eating.

Kate, I second what Lydia said exactly.

Lydia, those stats are really turning around! Why does DH think it isn't working? Sounds like things are going really well.

Thanks Lydia. I think if I had left (which I didn't, btw), he would have taken me back had I realized I wanted to come back. But I knew if I left I would have done the same thing I did at home today--nothing. I can't motivate myself to do anything at all these days. Sitting in a motel room wouldn't have helped me any more than sitting at home alone did.

If I truly am bipolar, that's great, but I hate that I walked into her office the first day and she diagnosed me with it. I'm not for quick fixes and I think that is what medicine is a lot of the time. It's like overdiagnosing ADD. A lot of the time it's something else. I think if my problem's truly going to be fixed I need to figure out what exactly is eating at me. I don't think it's just chemical.

Kate, from my own experience sometimes it can be a combination of chemical and your situation. I'm not saying it is or is not chemical for you, because I truly don't know, but I was in a situation where I truly needed meds to get out of it. Once I was out of it, I was fine without the meds.

It's never fun to be stuck in a rut. I know what that feels like. I was only able to fix it by helping myself.

I know bipolar is harder to diagnose because it's based on symptoms and not some lab test or biopsy you can get. Still, if your mood problems could possibly be a combination of situational and biological issues, it seems like it would be not a "quick fix" to take the medications. I'm not trying to be a pill pusher either, but if you are trying to get to some greater understanding and contentment, it seems like it would be a huge handicap to attempt to do that with an untreated medical illness. I might compare it to trying to get healthy and lose weight while not treating underlying diabetes. Sure, insulin is a quick fix, but it's necessary and all the better for working rapidly.

If you are serious about making changes, a lot of the things you talked about (getting a job, getting hobbies, making more friends) can lead to one another, and can still be done if you stay at home. If you make to-do or goal lists, can you try to stick to them if they're in manageable steps?

I hate to venture an opinion without really knowing the situation, but I'm a little relieved that you didn't leave today. Same as I wouldn't go changing my will after having sedation, I would wonder if untreated bipolar disorder may lead to acts that are more serious and far-reaching than intended. I really hope you can come to some resolution, and I want the best for you.

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Gwen, dh is totally turning around. He is giddy. Last night when we were discussing this, though, it wasn't nearly so promising.

Thanks again Lydia and Mandy. I went out and got a coffee. The coffeehouse was jammed so I drove to the mall and sat inside with my coffee. I got home and DH's van was there. Just as I was about to open the door he opened it in my face and I think I took a year off his life (serves him right LOL). He didn't hear me pull in apparently.

I am very confused. I don't know if my mental issues are truly clouding everything. DH says he doesn't see how I can think things are so bad with us and I don't know if he's oblivious or if my vision of things is really that effed up. It's really screwing with my head to not know what the reality is.

I'm so glad PTing is working out. I hope it really does work by the time the little one gets here!

Ok I have a real confession. The reason I stopped taking lithium is that I was supposed to get blood testing done to make sure everything was still okay (I can't remember now what lithium can affect but you're supposed to get blood drawn to make sure it's still normal). I hate hate hate getting my blood drawn so I never went, and I stopped taking the pills just in case it was screwing me up.

Kate, I have a fear of needles and I totally understand but that's not a good reason! The misery of the needle is not worse than being without help. I mean that. Take care of yourself!

Kate, I think it's important for you to establish if your problems are due to a chemical imbalance. But at the same time it sounds like you don't trust your current therapist. Could you explore the option of finding someone different?

I know I know. It's just one of those things I put off and then just never got done. I guess it was really a convenient excuse to stop taking the pills I wasn't comfortable with in the first place.

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Originally Posted by bridgetwu75

Kate, I think it's important for you to establish if your problems are due to a chemical imbalance. But at the same time it sounds like you don't trust your current therapist. Could you explore the option of finding someone different?

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Yes, I was going to talk to her about that at the next appointment. A referral or something.

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Originally Posted by daylilies

Guys, help me...we are thinking of a trial separation and DH wants me to leave sooner rather than later...maybe today but I have no idea what to do. Josh is at the inlaws so I can do it if I decide to but I am scared. There are motels nearby but I'm afraid.

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I'm so sorry.

But if he wants you to leave, why isn't he the one leaving?

Well it's not that he wants me to leave, its that if I want to leave then he doesn't want me to drag my feet making the decision.

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Originally Posted by daylilies

Thanks Lydia. I think if I had left (which I didn't, btw), he would have taken me back had I realized I wanted to come back. But I knew if I left I would have done the same thing I did at home today--nothing. I can't motivate myself to do anything at all these days. Sitting in a motel room wouldn't have helped me any more than sitting at home alone did.

If I truly am bipolar, that's great, but I hate that I walked into her office the first day and she diagnosed me with it. I'm not for quick fixes and I think that is what medicine is a lot of the time. It's like overdiagnosing ADD. A lot of the time it's something else. I think if my problem's truly going to be fixed I need to figure out what exactly is eating at me. I don't think it's just chemical.

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Kate, honestly I would give meds a try. Maybe they would do enough chemical help to allow the funk to clear up a bit and then you can get to the bottom of what is eating you up.

A few years ago DH was really in a depression after losing his job. He has low self-esteem so this really didn't help even though the loss was not his fault.
As much as I love him, those months were so hard on me and there were times I had to really bit my tongue with him.
Some things I did were to try to get him out for walks (it was summer), talk to his mom, bring me to work and pick me up just so he would leave the house every day. I tried to do activities that he would find fun.

Let's think about it...what is something that you enjoy and find fun? Puzzles, reading, TV, something crafty? Is there any way to get some exercise in? Could you hit up the UU service tomorrow morning?

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Originally Posted by daylilies

Well it's not that he wants me to leave, its that if I want to leave then he doesn't want me to drag my feet making the decision.

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Ahh. And yeah if there is a chemical inbalance....or even if not, depression alone can really cloud your vision of reality. I haven't experienced that myself....but did see it with DH. He really didn't see the same reality I saw when he was really in the worst of his funk a few years ago.

I hate needles too. I always get all worked up about shots and blood tests....and it's never as bad as I think it's going to be.

Dh is so bad I make them lie him down before hand. He once passed out when I was getting a blood test....and almost passed out a another time after he had one (I ended up bringing him to work in a wheelchair with me that time because they wouldn't let him leave the hospital....he said he just likes the attention for the ladies that draw blood and the free juice).

I confess I didn't do anything today. Watched Star Trek, Melrose Place and Nurse Jackie. Had plans to do some errands but our high was -2 and that just sounded too cold to leave the house if I didn't have to. Oh I did crochet...getting really close to being done with a king sized blanket that I have been working on for 10 years.

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Originally Posted by Cosmosmom

Kate, honestly I would give meds a try. Maybe they would do enough chemical help to allow the funk to clear up a bit and then you can get to the bottom of what is eating you up.

A few years ago DH was really in a depression after losing his job. He has low self-esteem so this really didn't help even though the loss was not his fault.
As much as I love him, those months were so hard on me and there were times I had to really bit my tongue with him.
Some things I did were to try to get him out for walks (it was summer), talk to his mom, bring me to work and pick me up just so he would leave the house every day. I tried to do activities that he would find fun.

Let's think about it...what is something that you enjoy and find fun? Puzzles, reading, TV, something crafty? Is there any way to get some exercise in? Could you hit up the UU service tomorrow morning?

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We're supposed to go to my dad's tomorrow, if he isn't getting too much snow for safe travel. I did belong to a gym but it was expensive and not worth it for what I was getting out of it. I don't eat healthy so I don't feel like exercise does me any good. I do like to get into a good book. I'm not so crafty but I do like to cook (but then that means I have to eat it and I do not need any more temptation in that department LOL)

Oh, and with meds, you're not supposed to drink at all...I could not get around that...I don't mean drinking to get drunk but having a glass of wine at night--I do that just about every night.

Kate, have you ever looked into cognitive therapy? I found it to be extremely helpful in the short term while working on the root issues and giving medication a chance to kick in as well.

Here's a link to more info:

http://www.beckinstitute.org/InfoID/...anage/Zoom.htm

Here's a link to help you find a therapist who does cognitive therapy: http://www.beckinstitute.org/FolderI...nage/Guide.htm

I hope you think a bit more about staying on your meds and working on your family and your medical condition. I know you are unhappy, but I don't know that leaving your family and living in a hotel room will solve that at all. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and your son deserves a happy and fulfilled mom. If you don't feel like doing it for yourself, perhaps Josh would be a good reason to think about getting back into therapy/on medication.

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Originally Posted by daylilies

We're supposed to go to my dad's tomorrow, if he isn't getting too much snow for safe travel. I did belong to a gym but it was expensive and not worth it for what I was getting out of it. I don't eat healthy so I don't feel like exercise does me any good. I do like to get into a good book. I'm not so crafty but I do like to cook (but then that means I have to eat it and I do not need any more temptation in that department LOL)

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Yeah I get that with the gym. I'm not one for exercise either. Do you have a wii? I mean even if the exercise does nothing for extra weight, it will still make your body create endorphins that make you feel good. Even just small amounts might help.

As for being crafty...I'm not either. But for some reason I do seem to be able to crochet.

You just got a house recently...what about making a list of things to do for the house and crossing them off. Like say Mondays it's dusting, Tuesdays bathrooms....just something to get moving and something to give goals and is reasonable to complete.

Books...what kind do you like?

I do like my alcohol and wine too. but it's not helping me lose weight and when mine is gone....I'm going off it. I just don't feel good with this extra weight on me and I don't feel healthy or have much energy. It's just not worth it and with the new diet isn't going to have room on it for alcohol. and I can see myself being an alcoholic if I'm not careful (it's in my family with both grandpas...and with the surgery I had, I have 5 feet less in the upper intestine so alcohol tends to hit me stronger and harder than some people....though the more often I drank, the less I noticed this).

I have a wii fit. I haven't used it in months! It is so going to make fun of me! LOL
Hmm, good idea with the chore list. I need to get a system for that.
Books--I like good fiction books. I like the woman who wrote the Ya Ya Sisterhood books and the other ones she wrote. I like to get into a good light fiction, comedy, books about food adventures (like Anthony Bourdain, he's hilarious, or Alton Brown, he is so interesting and smart), and even a good horror story sometimes.

I confess -- I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW ON MONDAY!!! Its for an office assistant at the Humane Society!

OH! and I found out B's new girlfriend broke up with him yesterday! "She was sick of his bullsh!t" bwahahaha!

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Originally Posted by atenielle

I confess -- I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW ON MONDAY!!! Its for an office assistant at the Humane Society!

OH! and I found out B's new girlfriend broke up with him yesterday! "She was sick of his bullsh!t" bwahahaha!

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That is great you have an interview!!! I hope you land the job!

Can't believe B got a girlfriend already, must have missed that! It's funny she is sick of his bs though.

Erin

Oh and thank you katycat for the links. I'll look into those this week.