I really should grocery shop after work but I hate driving in the dark and it pretty much is getting dark now when I leave work.
I would go to counseling with him but I don't know when we'd go. We have no babysitters. He also still insists that he's only seeing her because of the short term memory loss. And I was completely kidding about him sleeping with her. It's just that nothing would surprise me anymore.
That is sad about your mom. I don't have any dislusions of dbf being any kind of wonderful at this point. I feel like he really misrepresented himself to me during the time that I thought we were getting to know each other. He acted like he agreed with so many of my ideals that I now see, in real life, that he does not apply. I honestly do not know where I would even begin to leave him. It's so complicated, as it always is I am sure.
I think he really wants to be a good person. But I think he will never get there unless he takes a long look in the mirror and recognizes his mistakes. He has an excuse for everything. He never says, "I totally effed up and I'm sorry."
Where am I going with this? I have no idea. Just thank you, Lydia, for your thoughts.
Bridget, I don't know how you arrived at where you are now and I never know what to say or how to say it without looking like a know-it-all or a judgemental jerk, so I don't say anything at all. We all make choices and make deals and compromise to get what we need so I don't presume to judge, but it makes me sad for you that this man seems incapable of participating fully in your shared life. And like Lydia, I hope that one day this man or another will treat you with the courtesy and respect you deserve.
And Lydia, I am so very sorry that you had to be aware of that at such a young age. It must have been difficult/confusing for you, especially later when trying to figure out relationships of your own. As a child of divorce, it took me a really long time to work out what a good relationship would mean for me. In some ways, it would be harder to exist in a situation where nothing was ever resolved, made better, and watching your mom exist in that.
The way I grew up, I thought my life was totally normal. My mom asked me, when I was 7, if it bothered me when I questioned the presence of the mistress that came along on our vacation. I stammered a little and said I guess if it didn't bother her, I could deal with it. She'd been my babysitter, so I was comfortable with her. I've had to consciously make an effort to not date men who are ridiculously distant and hard-to-please, though.
Speaking of ridiculous, I just read a comment elsewhere that people who spell the word "ridiculous" incorrectly as "rediculous" are just referring to something insanely red. I like that, and I think I'll just mentally insert that whenever I see the wrong spelling. Oh, and if you type it often enough in one paragraph, it looks wrong no matter what.
Lydia - Your post about your parents reminds me of two things.
1) My BFF's very first memory is being at the home of her father's mistress. It hurts my heart that that is the very first thing that she remembers about life...........
2) My aunt and uncle are still married after his long term affair as well. My aunt lives in Arizona and my uncle lives in Michigan.. (with his mistress...) They have been married over 50 years, and when I asked my mom why they were still married if he is with another woman, and they live so far apart, and never see each other, she responded with "Out of obligation..."
My aunt has Multiple Sclerosis, and I guess my uncle feels obligated to see that she has insurance, etc (he's a Veteran). So they stay married, she stays insured, and he sends her a check every month....
Have any of you heard from Agatha?
All these stories about loveless marriages make me sad...I feel like I may be headed there. But we're really trying. I've been trying to clean better (yeah this is a major hangup for DH and while I feel like it shouldn't affect our marriage so much, I still try...plus it feels good to accomplish something) and I do little things for DH. The other day he complained that Josh ate all the "good" Halloween candy LOL so I went out and bought DH his own stash. Last night Josh went to my inlaws and DH and I went out and had fun.
I talked to a friend of mine and went over some of the issues and she said instead of doing things because DH wants you to, do it for yourself...like with the cleaning, do it for your own good, then you won't feel like you're doing it as a chore for DH. It kind of made sense to me.
That kind of makes sense Kate.
My DH is a neat freak. I'm not a slob but not as bad as he is. I drive him a bit crazy but try hard most of the time to clean up. Since we both work, we both clean. I do like having a clean and neat home...but really I do it mostly for him and not so much to make him happy BUT I know that if he is happy MY life is easier and happier.
After so long with a person, you know their triggers and it's just easier for all if you try to avoid them. And its the daily little things that really do make a difference for us (especially since my DH is not romantic in a soap opera/romance novel sense...AT ALL).
My DH doesn't care about a picked up house AT ALL. It's almost like he doesn't even see it. I keep it clean most of the time, but the times where it's not, he just could care less.
I dont think DH could care less about a picked up house either... As long as there are clean dishes to use... or paper plates lol
Wish mine were a bit more that way. I can't decorate alone because he cares deeply about how things look and is picky about placement and colors. So any house stuff we have to shop together. Can be a pain! And sometimes he steals my cup or water bottle on me if I get up to use the bathroom (he has gotten better there!).
Thank god we have pretty similar tastes! LOL
LOL, the funny thing is, he doesn't care much about anything else to do with the house, like the decor, or the colors, or the arrangement...just that it's clean!
Dbf used to be really, really anal about the house being a certain way. And I used to keep it our apt in Hawaii spotless but that was only one room! Now I have a whole house and just can't keep up. He knows now that if he wants it that way, he's got to do it himself. I am much busier than him to have the time to keep it up to his standards. So now he's not so picky. :laugh:
Ms Spy is just fine!
Awwww, you girls are so sweet!
Yup, I'm doing A-OK :) I've sort of taken a mini-vacation from the computer, and its cool how much I've been able to get done. No worries though, Bear and I are doing well, and I'll be back on APA shortly :)
Thank you so much for asking, though! I'm blushing.
Thanks, sunrider! I was wondering how A is doing!
I'm so glad Agatha is doing well!
I confess I used to despise the show Supernanny, but have been watching it for a few weeks now, and alot of what she says makes sense, and I am trying to log it into memory to use later down the road...
Ok Janeen.. What is this planet that Jimi is from?! I need to send DH there for some training