Secular Confessions

Hugs to you ladies being bombarded with questions/conversations. Things like that make my mind feel all :crazy: and I get upset so I remind people to speak to me one at a time. Luckily or unluckily, depends on how you look at it, my DH doesn't really do that - try to get me to listen to him all the time. If I want information from him, it is like pulling teeth with needle nose pliers. He is not very forthcoming. But the kids are always coming at me when we get home. Luckily they know how to take turns pretty well. Ky of course is better at this than Elle and she will get a mini-tude when I tell her I am speaking to Ky and cross her arms and look all upset.

I hope you had a good time at the sushi joint Bridget. LOL at your DBF wanting to DTD more when he is acting childish. I tell my DH I don't want to DTD with him when he is being childish or if he is been hyper-critical, which he usually is.

We haven't done it in a while, like 10 days, which is a long time for us because he has been hyper-critical to me and I shared with him how much it bothers me and how in a way, I have developed a complex about it. If I get a zit or something he will go on and on about it. He told me and tells me a few times a year that I don't "look the same way I did when we met" and even though I know he is shallow about looks, it makes me think he must think I look disgusting. FWIW, most people I knew from jr. high/high school who I havent seen in 15-20 years and who I see again always say I look the same, I am the same height I was at 13, I have gained some weight, but I met DH when I was 21 and I am about 25lbs heavier now than I was then, so it is not like I have gained 100lbs. I don't know what to think of DH and his frequent complaints about how different I look, I even dug up some pics of me when Ky was a baby and I think I look the same then as I do now, I was the same weight I am now, I have many of the same clothes as I had then still lol. If anything, I am much more fashionable now than I used to be. His comment made me not want to share myself with him and it is once again making me feel disgust for him in his shallowness. I actually despise shallow people. And really, DH is not all that much of a looker IMO so I don't think he has room to talk and he is also about 25lbs heavier now than when I met him. He even has gray hair in his pubes LOL!! But do I say anything about it...no I don't. Because I don't care about stuff like that. He has told me plenty of times that I "don't care about how I look." I certainly do and I am actually quite beautiful IMO and I have always thought so, save a couple years when I had horrible acne, but even then I thought I had beautiful eyes and pretty hair, and a good shape (I was 13-15 years old then so a LONG time ago). When I asked him why he felt I didn't care about how I look when I work out 3-6 days per week now, I shower, I iron clothes, I even wear makeup sometimes (which he doesn't like) he said really he doesn't like it that I don't care "what he feels" about how I look. LOL. Why should I care about how he feels about my looks?? Maybe other women care about this sort of thing. It just made me see him as selfish, as if I am supposed to care about his feelings more than my own and do any and everything to please him. He frequently nitpicks things and if I am nice and address his feelings, he will find something else to critique, like after I lost 65lbs, I am thinking he thought I was doing it for him BTW, which I was not, I actually was considering leaving him at the time and wanted to get in good shape for a new beginning for myself - but after that huge weightloss, he started to complain about my skin, I have hyperpigmentation and it took me a long time to get used to it and be okay with it and he started complaining about it, which upset me. Or he will complain about how I don't mop the floor the "right way" or iron the "right way" or do something how he wants it done. He is so lucky I love him and I tell him this all the time, because if we didn't have kids and he was a fling, I would have told him off and been done with him years ago. I wonder if your DBF knows how lucky he is. I hope so. DH does and he is always apologetic but it is just in his nature to be hyper-critical, especially about appearances. He is working on it and I have seem some progress over the course of the 10 days since that conversation, hopefully it will continue but I am not confident it will.

Erin

We used to this thing at family meals where if one person was trying to say something, they would raise their hand. Usually because I am a talker (with family and people I know) and my sister is quiet. So she would want to say something but couldn't get it in and if we saw the hand go up, I knew to be quiet so she could talk. My dad is quiet too.

It is hard to me to imagine how you guys put up with those men. Mine is really sensitive so it's easy that if he gets to be critical and I mention it bothers me, he feels really bad and apologizes. I have to make sure that I don't get too critical of him though....not with looks but I do get on him a bit about he does certain things cleaning or with the dogs.
And there is NO way I could dtd without feeling emotionally connected. I mean I feel very emotionally connected now and still hasn't been anything since we were away for the weekend in September. Normally a bit more often but working opposite shifts takes a toll. And than for much of Oct my skin condition was flaring so a few weeks there I was out due to that. Maybe winter will be better as we tend to stay home more on weekends and hang out and hopefully no stress as I think that makes the skin flare up.

I finally got my van back last night. He was there I think 10 days. Well at least they cleaned the car for me. I have black carpet inside and my dogs shed white mostly. LOL

Oh, you guys don't want to know how infrequently we DTD. It's really embarassing and DH brings it up often that it bothers him we don't do it enough. I try to put up with it once in a while, but I have some issues. Not only physical but lately I just don't even feel like I like DH most of the time. How am I supposed to want to have sex with him? It's that emotional connection you guys are talking about that's lacking, I think.

Jennifer, that's a good idea about raising your hand to speak. I only hesitate to do that because that's what he does at school and I know he doesn't really love school, so I don't want it to be too much like school at home, you know?

I'm sorry for all you ladies who are being harangued to DTD with insensitive husbands, but I feel relieved that this subject has come up. Because I really need to admit to someone that my husband has no interest whatsoever in DTD, to the extent that we have not been intimate since six weeks before my daughter was born. My daughter that turns one on Friday. For a long time, I really wanted to and it hurt so much. Now, I still want to, but not with him. I feel very little of anything for him these days. I feel like we are only united by our love for Dae. I know he loves me, but he is quite fine to neglect every aspect of our relationship because he "knows we are meant to be together" and he knows "it will just all work out somehow". In other words, he does not believe I will ever leave him so he does not need to do anything to keep the relationship intact. We are just friendly roommates now. It sucks.

:(
We all deserve so much more.

L, I think DH could relate.

Anyone here do weight lifting? With dumbells. I'm looking for a really great website talking about the different exercises with pictures.

That is so sad Dana and L. I know I honestly would go into a deep depression without sex as I am very sexual. It has taken a lot for me to not jump DHs bones even though he has been making me doubt my beauty with his insensitive, idiotic comments. I think he felt bad because I shared with him that if I was another woman, who did not value my full beauty (physical, emotional, and spiritual even though this is the secular room, I do feel a common spiritual connection with nature and our world that is one of my biggest joys) but if I did not feel this for myself, did not have the confidence that I do, that he would be emotionally abusive. I told him he is trying to be emotionally abusive to me and that it is starting to be transferred IMO onto Ky since I do not accept his idiotic rantings. But Ky is a child and DH is his father and children internalize things. He has been much better about the criticisms to Ky within the past few months since I told him that and even reading books on how to be a better communicator and father to boys, as he is just sweet as pie with Elle most of the time. He was talking about Ky having zits too. He is going through puberty already (yikes!!! He's only 10 and has armpit hair and "other hair" as he says shyly lol) so it is expected he will get some zits. DH didn't get zits when he was 10 or 11 and so doesn't think Ky should have them, even though I told him I had them horribly at Ky's age, but then that is further proof of my inadequate "skin genes" lol, that could be insulting to some but I find it hilarious considering all his negative behavioral genes he has passed onto the children.

I honestly would think my DH was cheating on me if he didn't want to DTD. The one time he didn't, he actually was cheating on me so if it happened again, I would automatically suspect that and would file for a legal seperation as I won't go through that anymore and he knows this so he better hop in the sack and do me at least once a week, and it better be good or I will suspect him, he knows this too so usually performs accordingly.

Erin

You guys are just breaking my heart. :sniffle:

:hugs: Dana and L. I wish I had some useful advice, but you have my support. For sure.

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Originally Posted by Ky'sMom

I honestly would think my DH was cheating on me if he didn't want to DTD. The one time he didn't, he actually was cheating on me so if it happened again, I would automatically suspect that and would file for a legal seperation as I won't go through that anymore and he knows this so he better hop in the sack and do me at least once a week, and it better be good or I will suspect him, he knows this too so usually performs accordingly.

Erin

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You.KILL.me! :lol: omg this is hilarious!

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Originally Posted by Cosmosmom

Anyone here do weight lifting? With dumbells. I'm looking for a really great website talking about the different exercises with pictures.

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You can check out bodybuilding.com They have videos and a humongous list of weight lifting information in their "exercises" section.

Erin

And Chrissy I only state the truth. DH likes it though. He is good in bed and I know what he can do so he keeps me satisfied and now I expect it and the few times I am not satisfied, he will "break me off better" (his words) in 30 minutes lol.

Erin

:laugh:


I'm like Kate in that I need the emotional connection. I didn't think so because I could get solidly PISSED OFF at Rich, yet still have a good time. But once that connection was gone, nothing he would try would work. We had 19 years of it and he never failed to disappoint me...and we really did average 3x a week during that whole time (minus a couple weeks after I'd given birth :P) It still amazes me how it suddenly just switched off and no amount of imagination on my part could make things work. I believe I'm definitely demisexual.

Coincidentally, the day I found out Sherry died I called him at work. I was devastated and didn't know who else to talk to. I knew he'd remember me talking to her on the phone so I called him on his lunch, just bawling my eyes out. That night was my turn to have Conner and Rich agreed to pick him up in the morning. That morning he came in and I wasn't dressed yet and I felt a little 'stir' of arousal. I'm sure it was the whole emotional/needy thing and he'd been there for me that triggered it. If Conner weren't awake, I might have suggested 1 more for old times sake. :wink:

I'm waiting to hear on if my dad is going to the ER tonight or not. Tuesday his leg was fine. Tuesday night was bad. During the day he was down at the lake to take pictures of the big waves so a chance he might have gotten a bite. He does have diabetes (non-insulin but takes a pill). He is also very prone to edema so not a huge shocker. Went to the doctor yesterday morning. Looks like it is probably cellulitis and he got a shot of antibiotics in his butt and a script he started last night. And he's supposed to stay off his feet and keep the leg elevated.
Talked to him this morning and he said it was worse. He didn't go to work (he's a crossing guard). But no fever so that is good. And it could be that it just wasn't enough time to get the antibiotics working. Said he would decide when mom got home from work and would take him (but he wanted to make sure if he did that, he went and early voted first in case they keep him too long).

So yeah that is the side I take after and I'm thinking I should probably get my butt in gear. We picked up a set of weights over the weekend (no bench yet but I'm reading reviews). My legs are pretty strong but my upper body is very weak.
DH and I were disagreeing on how many sets a person should do.

Oh Jennifer, I hope your dad is okay.

I think when you're just starting out weight lifting, you should only do a couple sets.

It's definitely not a case of cheating over here! DH knows about the issues and tries to understand but he's always been a pretty sexual person and could do it multiple times a day. I knew this about him when we got together, but thought he'd grow out of it. LOL

When beginning weight lifting you should start off with very light weights, especially if you haven't lifted before. Focus more on form and making sure you are doing everything correctly moreso than the weight or even the amount of reps.

It is good to start off with 3 sets of 6-10 reps (ex: lift 1lb 10 times, take a 30 sec break then lift 1lb 10 times, take another 30 sec break and then lift 1lb 10 times again, then move on to the next exercise) and go up in strength as you feel you can. If you have never lifted before, start with 1lb or 3lbs weights and focus on form and then move up every week about 1-2lbs until it gets semi-difficult. After that you can start a pyramid set sort of routine, but that is a whole other conversation, it is basically the body for life program that you said someone you knew was doing. You can also check out the upper body portion of that program for exercises as they are very basic and simple. They have library where you can look up more about how to do those particular exercises on bodyforlife.com.

Erin

Jennifer - I hope your dad is ok. Leg wounds with diabetes are not to be messed with!

L, I wish I had gotten to read what you wrote...but I understand that it's a pretty sensitive subject to put out into the wild unknown.

I do sometimes wonder if DH is cheating on me, but I don't think so, at least not right now. I have very good intuition, and I feel like I would know. Besides, he is a very bad liar. We have struggled with this issue for a long time. I am a very high drive person, and my ex-H was not. When we got divorced, I made up my mind that if I ever got married again, it would be to someone like me. My DH now was very high drive when I met him, and he was out hounddogging constantly. But when we actually got together, his drive plummeted. It became a cycle because we would go a couple weeks, or more than a couple of weeks and then I would cry and throw a fit and say he didn't love me, and a little while later he'd make it happen once and then the cycle would begin again. It's part of the reason we took so much time to TTC. I made up my mind that after I had Dae, I would just stop fighting about it. My self-esteem couldn't take the humiliation of the monthly begging anymore, anyway. I knew we would decrease in frequency, but I never suspected that we just wouldn't at all. For the first six months or so, I dealt ok because I was busy with Dae, and bf and the hormones...I had urges, but I was able to suppress and just not think about it. Now it feels like it's been too long to come back from.

I thought talking about it might make me feel better, but I just feel sad and hopeless. :-(

Jennifer, I hope your dad is OK! I'll send good vibes your way!

And I'm sorry to hear about the dry spells, ladies. I think I've kind of lived my life in reverse in some ways. I was quite the religious teenager and never did anything outrageous or adventurous because I was too busy plotting my way out of poverty back then. Then, when I met DH and got married, that's when I started having the time of my life and I'm still making up for lost time. I know it sounds really nerdy, but I've just finished reading Jane Eyre for the second time and I love love love the bit where Jane and Mr. Rochester finally confess their love for each other and the bit where Mr. Rochester says that he feels like there's a string tied to his ribs that is connected to Jane is exactly how I feel about my DH. (Sorry for the sappiness!)

Checked and my mom didn't think it looked worse but didn't look better. I of course sent her a number of things to read today being that is what I do. LOL She was taking dad to go early vote because he was freaking out that if he had to go to the hospital that they would keep him too long for him to vote.
he was very excited about Mayor Bloomberg endorsing President Obama today. :)
Anyway sounds like they are giving it another day unless he suddenly gets worse or has a fever....really it's only been one day of antibiotics so far.

Dana, how is his health? Any chance he would go in for a physical? I would be concerned about a really high drive totally dropping off. Mine has always had a lower drive to begin with....even when first together 14 years ago. I'm not the highest either and I think STC just took a huge toll.
I think we have the worst timing. I'm like hey we could, he's like nah. Than he's like hey we could, and I'm like nah. When the stars finally line up, it's like we should do this more often....but than don't for a variety of reasons. Now if he ever stopped hugging on me, than i would worry.

Ash don't feel bad about sappiness! I get that feeling.....I feel that way about my DH.

You guys are making me think maybe I should try harder at fixing things with Rich. I used to joke all the time that I'd never leave him because the sex was good and frequent...maybe there was something 'wrong' with us because that never really died off and we didn't go through dry spells. :/ I probably won't find that again. Crap.

I have to rethink everything now. :laugh:

I didn't mean to make light of y'alls circumstances. I'm just really amazed at some of the stories you've shared. It boggles my mind. When I hear people talk about a slow sex life, I think they're only doing it once or twice a month. I really had no idea.

And in all seriousness, if that part wasn't so good I don't think Rich & I would have lasted 5 years. Sometimes, it really was the only thing we had going for us.

Dana, I have also been in your shoes. I would nag DH and he would get angry with me. It just destroys your self-esteem. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, Clomid destroyed my sex drive so now neither of us want it. If I weren't doing fertility treatments I couldn't honestly say we were STC. We are both emotionally frustrated by the situation but the toll of STC has made us leery of even trying to fix it.

Oh, and Erin, I love you! LOL!

Relationships are indeed very complex. I think at the end of the day, as long as both people are fundamentally happy then that's all that really matters.

I should add it drives my DH completely batty to not be able to ever get a sentence out when the kids are awake. It makes him miserable. He will start to tell me something Important that happened at work, and in 30 seconds the cacophony gets to be so much he just stops. We used to work on 'not interrupting' when we had sticker charts, and that one never got a sticker. By the time the kids go to bed, he is so sick of having to deal with talking and interacting he just wants to not talk and not interact and not have to be polite and smile and respond.

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Originally Posted by missychrissy

Relationships are indeed very complex. I think at the end of the day, as long as both people are fundamentally happy then that's all that really matters.

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I agree with this, but I don't think I could handle no sex for more than a couple weeks at a time. I get depressed if I don't get some. I think that is why I get depressed when I am PG and don't like being PG because sex is uncomfortable and with Elle and having PSD it was super painful and I couldn't do it. DH and I had a lot of problems after that and I know it was because we weren't having sex as often. He gets really irritated if he doesn't get it on the regular, as do I. We actually started off as FWB so our whole relationship was initially based on sex and talking/hanging out. We still do those things when we enjoy each others company.

I would probably be really depressed if he didn't want to DTD. Hugs out to you ladies. I mentioned that DH likes to talk about my appearance to the extreme. That coupled with no sex would probably make me lose my confidence and not feel womanly. No matter what DH says about what I look like though he wants to do it so that is some consolation. It would be really depressing if he didn't.

Erin

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Originally Posted by Ky'sMom

I agree with this, but I don't think I could handle no sex for more than a couple weeks at a time. I get depressed if I don't get some.

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Well obviously in that situation, you both wouldn't be fundamentally happy. But others seem to pull it off and yet have a happy marriage. I marval at that myself and wonder what that might mean for my own future. Maybe I won't be as active with my next partner....but from what I've seen on here that doesn't necessarily mean that I won't be as happy as I once was with Rich. I did feel that he completed me and for the longest time I couldn't imagine growing old with anyone else either. I'd like to have that again with someone...but what if the next guy has a lower sex drive? Would it be possible for me to feel that connected and complete?

I guess all that remains to be seen.

Maybe me & you are more sexual beings Erin and chances are good I couldn't be happy either. But I'm willing to be open to it...or at least the idea of it. I just don't know. I liked that aspect far too much. :D

I had to rely on Rich again tonight...sorta. Bobbie & I work in a city that's 30 miles from the town where we live. She called me at nearly quitting time, nearly hysterical and I coulda swore she asked me if I could bring $10 over to her for gas as she was out. I assumed she meant she was at work and was worrying about how she could get home. I looked at the clock and was trying to calculate the time it would take to get over to her store and make it back so I could catch my late bus. I said, "well, I road the bus" and she said something I couldn't understand (sounded like, "fine! I'll figure it out!") and hung up on me.

I was really upset because I didn't want her stranded, so I instantly texted her and asked what her hours were. I would have rode the bus home, got my illegal, malfunctioning car, and drove it up to her if I had to. She wasn't even working till 6! So I realized she wasn't even in Ithaca at all. Apparently she is supposed to have $30 in the bank but her card was declined at the pump. I texted back and forth a bit getting the details and realized my phone was going dead. I told her to call dad since he was actually in the same town she was in when she sent her distress call to me.

I waited a bit and didn't hear from either of them so I sent a quick text to Rich (all the while hurrying to my own bus) asking him to call her and if he could get her gas I'd give him the $ back when I got to town. He said ok. Again some time goes by and I'm not hearing anything. At any second my phone is going to shut off. I wrote to Rich and Bobbie to see what the plan was. Bobbie wrote back, "I broke down." I responded, "Call Dad!!" I'm thinking she's still in our hometown since it's just getting on 5:00 and she doesn't have to work till 6. Nope. He texts me that she's actually out of gas nearly 1/2 way to work. Maybe a little over 1/2 way.

So I made the decision to ask the drive to drop me off at the blue Chevy Cavalier that's broke down "somewhere near Danby" :D Rich was on his way with a gas can (Bobbie hadn't ever called or texted him till she was out of gas on the side of the road). I waited with her, and talked to her, and hopefully calmed her down while she waited for Rich to show up.

I do not understand why she didn't call/text him herself? Oh, and when I first sent a message to Rich, his first response was, "where is she?" My god! do I REALLY have to be the middle man? All your talking about the kids and husbands communicating with you and not each other made me think of posting this. I was thinking of you Bridget when all this was going on! I'm hoping your kids and dbf get over it before the kids are adults though. There's no reason why they can't communicate directly. Bobbie was in Owego. Rich was in Owego. WHY did she think to call me first, knowing I wouldn't be in Owego until 5 minutes before the start of her shift in Ithaca? I don't get it. And Rich is just as bad...don't ask me where Bobbie is!! Ask her! lol

Speaking of my car, my brother & his buddy got it on their computer and got the same code. Tim's calling the dealership to get a price quote for me but I really don't have any hope that it's going to be cheaper than Autozone's $350. He said it's in a very easy location and he can change it for me. He won't even charge. And of course his buddy has the computer to reset it as well. So I won't have to worry about dealership labor costs at least. The buddy says if that doesn't work, he'll scrap it for me. :laugh: It made me laugh.

If we change the sensor and the light comes back on, that'll indicate it's the timing chains and everyone assures me that would be covered under the drivetrain warranty. So...that's the plan. The dealership would make me replace the sensor first anyway, so I'm not going to waste time taking it up there and then having to argue with them about it. Tim says it's probably the sensor and to stop googling car problems. :laugh: