Secular Confessions

It's 3:00 a.m. and I'm up just thinking about everything. I'm mostly worried about Bobbie and who's going to visit her. I can't get up there till 7:45 and I won't be able to go every day. I won't have enough gas and I'm flat broke. I can't help but feel we've come full circle in the worst possible way. Just months before I purposefully got pregnant with her at 16 I had attempted suicide. I was in ICU for 5 days because I nearly succeeded. I did decide that I most definitely did not want to die, but I wanted, no needed, something in my life to love and love me in return. That was why I purposefully set out to get pregnant. With her. And now she's in a psych ward suffering from the same horrible emotions that brought her here to begin with. I didn't have anyone then. I'm terrified she won't have anyone now. Besides me...and I'm wholly doubting I'm enough. I haven't been or else she wouldn't be where she is now.

I'm up across the pond, Chrissy. I just sent a skype request so that we can be friends through there, too.

I know what you mean about people not being there for you; I have that same issue. It hurts. I'm sorry that no one has stepped up for you. As for you being enough for Bobbie, I certainly think that you can be! I hope that you can help her to see that there are things in life worth living for; that not all life experiences are bad like she has gone through recently.

As others have said, I wish we all lived so much closer so that we could be there for you and not just sending virtual thoughts and hugs.

Ash, my Skype kept crashing & I didn't see your request. If it's still giving me fits tonight, I'll restart it.

Today I'm feeling better about my lack of support even though I didn't get 1 wink of sleep. I resigned myself to how they all are long ago. They are who they are and that's not ever going to change. Every once in a while it hits me, but 99.9% of the time I really don't care. It's why I'm not close to them and why I really don't talk about my personal life with anyone (outside of here). I hope I can call Bobbie and get her during my lunch. Even though she sounded so much better last night, I'm still worried about her.

I hope you can see her. I'm glad you feel better. You and her were my first thought this morning. Know you are not alone in this. Not even close. :hugs:

Thank you Bridget. I really don't feel alone. Even last night when it was bugging me about the lack of support, it was more in a "how f'd up is my family?" kinda way. I certainly don't need them. I've made it this far without any of them asking if Im ok.

Chrissy, thinking of you and your family today. Especially Bobbie, hope you can have a visit with her today.

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Originally Posted by missychrissy

It's 3:00 a.m. and I'm up just thinking about everything. I'm mostly worried about Bobbie and who's going to visit her. I can't get up there till 7:45 and I won't be able to go every day. I won't have enough gas and I'm flat broke. I can't help but feel we've come full circle in the worst possible way. Just months before I purposefully got pregnant with her at 16 I had attempted suicide. I was in ICU for 5 days because I nearly succeeded. I did decide that I most definitely did not want to die, but I wanted, no needed, something in my life to love and love me in return. That was why I purposefully set out to get pregnant. With her. And now she's in a psych ward suffering from the same horrible emotions that brought her here to begin with. I didn't have anyone then. I'm terrified she won't have anyone now. Besides me...and I'm wholly doubting I'm enough. I haven't been or else she wouldn't be where she is now.

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Chrissy, don't blame yourself for this. It would have been impossible to raise her in a bubble and shield her from every jerk she came across in her life that led to her feelings today. When you do see her next, maybe you should tell her everything you said here. Sometimes people in crisis don't want to be supported by invincible knights. They want other imperfect humans they can relate to. When my sister was committed, the one thing that visibly soothed her was hearing about how others were in pain too. I know Bobbie isn't suffering from psychosis like my sister did, but I think they both had/have feelings of alienation in common. I remember checking in on her, and asking her how was her day. She'd cite one of the highlights of her day was a friend calling her and crying with her or finding out another friend had been similarly raped.

One psychologist I really got into reading in college was RD Laing. He once wrote that sanity is nothing more than a "consensus" of the masses on how to perceive reality. The mentally ill are seen as sick because they feel profoundly alienated by their perception of a different reality and act out on it. His approach to working with them was always to begin by helping them feel their "version" of the world was valid. Perhaps that's what Bobbie needs too - someone who will acknowledge she has valid reason to be in pain, whom she can then trust to bring her to the realization that - despite the seemingly overwhelming darkness - there are reasons to keep living.

I hope you got some rest last night and get to see her soon.

Chrissy -

a) Blame is futile. Don't do that to yourself.

b) You are strong, you have survived, you are "enough". You have set an example for Bobbi of how to go through hard things and come out the other side.

c) You deserve to be loved and supported. Dwell with those who offer that love and support, block out everyone else until you're feeling stronger.

I'm thinking of you and your family today.

Thanks everyone. Your kind words and thoughts do help.

Even though I know better, I did call Rich on his lunch and had it out with him a bit. He was both defensive and slightly argumentative, but also contrite and sorry at times. He knows this is all on him but he's being very stubborn about admitting it. I laid out some new ground rules and I did tell him that he's making it so I don't even like him as a person any more. How can I? He has been trying to call Bobbie but the phone rings and rings and rings. I told him maybe there are set hours for phone calls and perhaps they're all in group or therapy sessions.

Chrissy, I so wish that I had the perfect words or advice for you. Just that I'm thinking about you and hoping that being where she is helps.

Oh a very light note....this is what I did yesterday. Attachment 9043Attachment 9044 It's hard to see but there are little paw prints in the white hearts. I bought a whole pack of dog themed cardstock. I have a couple more pages floating in my head but it takes me a while still to do a page so will have to wait until next weekend.

Jennifer - Very cute! Scrapbooking is one of those things that I'd like to do, but I know myself. I'd just buy all the cool gear, do one page and then never "find the time" (really, the motivation) to do it again.

Yeah it was something I never considered doing.....until I had to make the portfolios (had to make two identical ones) for the adoption agency. Since I had bought so much stuff for that (tons of paper, various embellishments, die cutting machine and cartridges, sticker maker and various glues)....I decided I better do more with it. I have since bought even more things....each project seems like I'm just missing something. So now I can make cards and pages. I might be slow but by the time I drag everything out and set up in the dining room....and spend something like an hour a page (plus all the time organzing photos), than put everything away....it's definitely a multi-hour project. Not sure how a person does this with a child at home to take care of!

I forgot to share with you guys that I presented my "timesheet" to dbf. I didn't actually show it to him. I just told him that I'd been keeping track and that I average 14 hours a day with them and he averages 5 hours a day where they are around him but he's not necessarily engaging him. I told him that it's hard because they are used to my ways, and my rules, and my routines and then he comes barging in with a totally different game plan. I said it's hard for him to have "equal say" when I am doing a majority of the parenting that he has to let me have more control or he has to be more involved. His choice. Also, do y'all remember the whole thing about him not wanting the kids to throw the rocks on our shoreline into the water? Well, yesterday we were down there and Kai was threw one in. So then Sawyer threw one in. And THEN DBF THREW ONE IN! Kai sad to him that he thought we weren't supposed to and dbf said, "Well you don't listen to me anyway so I give up." ARGHHH. So during this discussion I pointed out to him that he gets frustrated when they don't listen but that he never follows through. I'm like, "You act like such a hard ass but the truth is they know you would rather give in than put in the time adn effort. They follow my rules because they know time stops until they do. I don't compromise my rules. I do it nicely but tantrums and whining get them nowhere with me." I actually started crying when I told him he shouldn't eff around with this because when they are 16 and the rule is that they call us instead of getting into a car with a friend who has been drinking, they need it ingrained in them that there is no compromise on the rules!
Also, wanted to point out to him real quick that I would have more time and energy for sex (and desire) if he helped me more during the day.

It was well received. So we shall see.

Chrissy, hoping to hear you got to hug your girl today.

Chrissy, big, big hugs to you and to Bobbie. I know you are just what she needs. Have you shared your past experience with her? I can see it being such a healing experience for the both of you.

Bridget, I'm glad your talk was well received. I hope some of it sticks.

Jennifer, Molly is really looking like a big dog now and not a puppy. It happens so quickly, doesn't it?

I gave my new test today, and hopefully it didn't go too badly. All the props tripped me up but I got through it.

Completely off topic, but Jennifer, I had to update you on two things you recommended that I tried recently and loved. First, The Glass Castle, which was an amazing book. I went to work today and told my coworker to read it. She wrote down the name. Second, Culvers! They recently opened a store here in town and I've been meaning to try it, but DH hates crowds and it's been packed since the day it opened. Plus, it's right next door to the emergency/specialty vet center where we had our cat put down and I know he doesn't want to go by there and see the vet's office. But he was gone this weekend and I decided to try Culvers after I saw you mention it in the "What's for Dinner" thread. Amazing! It really is as good as you say. I'm embarrassed to say I ate there twice this weekend. :shame: I guess it was a very Jennifer weekend!

Ooooh, I read The Glass Castle. Great book.

Bridget that sounds like he was more receptive than we all thought he might be!

Yeah Molly is getting big....she's going to be a year next month (Cosmo will be 9 next month and I will be 34....I told DH that all his girls are Sept babies :) ) She is really a pretty good little dog with few faults....just a few things need a bit of work like messing with Cosmo. she acts up the most when daddy is sleeping and I'm in charge. When he is up at night with me, she's an angel baby. I just wish that we could have gotten her about two years sooner when Cosmo was still more fiesty and spry. But Molly is going to be a fantastic buddy to our little dude when we get one. Cosmo is more my dog but Molly loves everyone and was enthralled with our friends toddler when she was here. She has earned sleeping on the bed with dad during the day but nights are in the kennel. Will be maybe another year though before she earns being out the kennel when we aren't home. it is so funny to us how different she looks from when we brought her home.

LOL Yeah Culvers....it's my dad's favorite. My city has like 3 or 4 of them. Please tell me that you tried the custard. If we are going to have fast food...we go there...never a mcdonalds or burger king. I did end up with a bit of an upset stomach sunday but I was also eating a ton of fruit all weekend. Definitely not healthy foods....but I stay within my WW points and have only gone twice since April.

Glad you enjoyed the book....I rarely read non-fiction but that was one that I did and it stayed with me. It's kind of funny being a librarian in a totally non-fiction library (we have more than just medical books....but it's all non-fiction)....but I rarely read any of the books in our collection.

I am thinking of checking out The deadly dinner party when it comes back in.....

Indirectly - I had a rootbeer float which of course was made with the vanilla custard. But it was more rootbeer-floaty so I couldn't say for sure how it tasted on its own. It was really good.

I like biographies and will read several in a row. Then I need a break with some light girly fiction - LOL! I've just read a couple of sad childhood autobiographies in a row (I read Angela's Ashes this summer, too, which if you haven't read you really should) so I decided to follow it up with a biography of the Queen! Can't get much different from the Glass Castle to Buckingham Palace!

We have some coupons for free custard from culvers from the reading program at the library. We'll have to give it a try.

From one kind of castle to the next!

Yeah try custard alone or in a sundae....after I started having custard, I cannot really enjoy regular ice cream anymore. It's so rich and creamy....really even one scoop is too much for me.
they tried opening a sonic in town....first in WI. I don't know if it even lasted a full year and culver's is so much preferred. Trying to think of the one my dad used to make us drive all over looking for when we drove out west....Carl's maybe?

Mandy is tomorrow testing or are you thinking of waiting?

Am traveling and sick so haven't been on much, but wanted to give you a big hug Chrissy. I am so sorry.

Testing Wednesday, I believe. We'll see.

Are you thinking of Carl's Jr? They're not bad for fast food, but I can take them or leave them.

:hugs: Bridget and :wub: Jennifer-I saw your pics!! Too cute!

I saw Bobbie and she's doing well. She's looking at this as an opportunity. I'm hoping Rich can be supportive and not tear it all down. I'd post more, but I'm so tired. I do deeply appreciate all your thoughts, concerns, kind words and offers of support. It really means a whole lot to me. You're all the best!

Good luck Mandy!!

Good for Bobbie. This is an opportunity for sure if that is what she chooses to make it. It's all up to her. Get some rest, Chrissy.

Yes, Jennifer, dbf was more receptive than I thought. I'm quite sure it was the part about sex that lit the fire under his arse. He needs natural consequences. I can't sit and hang out with him on the couch after the kids go to bed when I am so swamped all day that I have to play catch up. In fact, today he loaded the dishwasher, swept the living room floor, and took Savana and Kai out for a bit this afternoon after the daycare kids went home. And he was rewarded:)

:D Funny how that works!! Woo hoo!

Glad things worked out so well, Bridget. Chrissy, turn off the brain and get some sleep.

Jennifer, I'm with you on the frozen custard. I don't like ice cream much (except Indian ice creams), but can get into Big Trouble with the frozen custard. So, I usually just have a child scoop. It's plenty enough for the child in me.

Good luck, Mandy. Keeping fingers, toes and paws crossed.

Yay for natural consequences! :ohyea:

Especially natural consequences with two backs.