Secular Confessions

Erin, you knew that woman who was kicked off the plane this year? How interesting! Was it the JetBlue flight from Turks & Caicos? Or was it the Alaska flight from Seattle? They're starting to kick the toddlers off a little more this year, it seems. I don't think Bodhi was anywhere close to getting us kicked off at all. He was only speaking louder than others around us, there were long pauses between his observations, and he responded to shushing. He'd just forget to speak quietly when he saw something else that excited him. Plus there were adults on the plane who were louder than him. Bodhi was actually being so cooperative that he'd repeat the instructions that were said over the loudspeaker: "Now, it's time to fasten our seatbelts." and "Time to put away your phone, mommy."

I think the couple behind us was just having a bad day, and the guy was just being crotchety. Then again, I am running on only 2 hours of sleep myself (or 20 hours total since last Wednesday) so maybe I could have been a little less snarly towards them. The guys was way out of line, though. There's a huge difference between what he was doing, and respectfully asking if there was anything more we could do to get B to lower his voice.

I actually remember being Bodhi's age in a restaurant, and a crotchety old man coming up to me, yelling at me for being too loud. I was so scared of him, he made me cry, and my mom was really passive in that situation; I think she laughed nervously and let the man berate me. In a way, I'm glad Bodhi witnessed me sticking up for him. He did have a sense of what the whole exchange was all about, and I'd hate for him to remember it the way I remember my similar incident.

Oh Myles! It sounds to me like you handled that in the best way possible. I honestly don't know what I would have done if someone was that rude to me when I took the kids to AZ and Conner had his melt-down on the plane. I really lucked out and had a bunch of empathetic passengers. One older lady even stood in the aisle rocking him back and forth for a good, long time. When she passed him back to me she told me she'd had a little boy once, but she'd lost him to cancel. I was so emotionally overwrought by that point, I instantly teared up. I'll never forget her. The elderly couple behind us didn't say a word till the end, and then it was just to remark about how patient I'd been. They said it kindly, like they approved. :wub:

Wow, Chrissy. I wish someone would have offered to hold Bodhi on a plane, ever. Not that he would have let a stranger hold him, but what a nice gesture. I've had one other incident on a plane where a guy got angry because baby Bodhi had kicked his seatback. We just apologized at that point because I'd hate to have someone kick my seat. DH got a little defensive with the man early on during that exchange, but together we smoothed it all out.

In complete contrast to the plane incident this morning, we were eating at the airport last Thursday before our outbound flight, and this couple at the table next to us kept commenting on what wonderful parents DH & I were, how great it was that we talked to him like a grown up, and how articulate/well-behaved he was for his age. The woman said, "I'm a preschool teacher, and you can always tell the only children because they behave so maturely, like little grown-ups." It was so funny, because no one had ever said that to us before. I think we must have looked at them like they were more crazy than the crotchety guy on the plane today. And of course, they left just two minutes before B melted down over not getting something he wanted. Still, even if we knew their compliments didn't ring true, it felt nice to get that affirmation.

:)

Myles, what a crazy old man! Who'd think that is appropriate behavior?

One of the few good things about traveling to India is that everyone has kids, and everyone pretty much expects the worst, and they're thrilled to get out of it with anything less than non stop screaming.

A couple of weeks ago, I had to go to the shoe store with Miira, and while she behaved well for the most part, at some point, she picked up some gel insole thingy (for men) and wanted to open it. I told her she couldn't, because it belonged to the store, at which point she asked me to buy it. I said it's for men and she said she's a man. When I told her that the answer was still no, she pitched an absolute fit, going 'I'm a man, mama'. A nice older lady who had been watching my attempts to calm her down started talking to her and took her mind off the whole thing. I about fell over myself thanking her, 'cause this was one of those times when I had to finish the shopping (no shoes for my upcoming client meeting). And another time, a lady told me at the restroom in Wegman's that she loved how I talked to Mira. Of course, I couldn't remember a darn thing about what I had been talking to her about.

Oh my. Mira sounds adorable even when she's pitching a fit. :wub:

I was surprised Conner let that lady hold him too Myles. He didn't (doesn't) go to people readily. I think maybe he was a whipped out as I was by that point, or perhaps he sensed something innately good about her.

I've experienced people commenting on our kids at a restaurant. It's always nice to hear. My favorite was when we had our 4 (Conner was very young) and my niece that is Jesi's age (now 17, they may have been 14 or 15 at the time). We had to use two separate booths because they were so packed and we didn't want to wait. We let the girls have their own to themselves and by the end of the dinner, the table across the walkway from us remarked on how polite they all were. The waitress chimed in as well, complimenting them on how well behaved and nice they all were. Of course she got a double-double tip. We were going to double tip anyway-in my mind, it was already two separate tables for her-but the way she treated them as if they were adults out on their own really impressed me. Jesi had ordered an expensive steak and she did check in with us to see if that was ok, but other than that it was like we weren't even with them. I also appreciated that she thought to ask before accepting an order for a $25 steak from a 15-year-old. :P

:hi: Back to work today. More of the same irritations, but overall a good start to the year. We have this crazy computer software program and every year they feel the need to spend the summer re-programming it so when we come back, it's harder to navigate and more restrictive in what you can do and how you can do it. It kind of self-perpetuates procedures simply due to the convenience of the programmers. So irritating. For example, we have this meeting invitation that we use to invite parents to a meeting (obviously). Last year, you clicked the positions of the people you were inviting (classroom teacher, special ed teacher, etc). This year it forces you to enter names in a data field next to each position, and certain fields are required fields but represent positions that rarely come to these meetings. For example, principal and school nurse are required fields to invite to each and every meeting (either position almost never comes). What's worse, we don't have a principal where I work but the program insists on a name that I don't have to give, so I can't complete the paperwork. And I can't imagine it's parent-friendly to tell parents that the principal will be invited to a meeting that s/he has no need or desire to attend. The explanation I heard is that they "want the principals to be more aware of what we do." If that's why, there has to be a better way of notifying the principal of what we are doing. Like including them in an alert when a meeting notice is written or something - not listing their name at the top of the invitation. And why they feel the school nurse is essential is beyond me.

It's going to be a long year, isn't it? :headbang:

Aw, you guys are making me feel all emotional. I flew for the first time when I was two years old and threw up on the person behind us, according to my mom.

The airline I flew this trip charged EXTRA for booking seats ahead of time. I called and asked them WTF they would do if I refused to pay $25 extra per seat for my 5-person family and everyone else paid for their seats and our whole family was split up because everyone else pre-reserved seats. I mentioned that I had 3 small children. They checked and said that hardly anyone else pre-paid for their seats, too, and that we would most likely sit together.

Mylah, I am saving your come-backs in my mind but I'm sure they will vanish in my panic when someone actually dares to be rude and I'm worried about DH killing them and going to jail and leaving me alone to care for everyone by myself. You are so awesome! Flying is really difficult with children. S. tends to be very loud on planes, but so far I've had people be very understanding. I always carry extra cash, just to buy people drinks. Just in case. So far I've never had to use it. They usually realize I'm doing everything I can.

When I flew to Thailand, I let a stranger's child nap across my lap in the middle row on the overnight flight and then played with him constantly when he was awake. This was pre-kids. I now realize just how incredibly valuable I was as a seatmate, being so cool with having a kid hang all over me for such a long flight, and then be perfectly still while he slept, not moving a muscle. Maybe that gave me just a bit of karma for all of the flights I would have with my kids.

At our camping trip, I was taking some trash over to the dumpster when an older couple walked by and mentioned to me how much they both (a) admired me, and (b) felt sorry for me, after seeing all of my kids running helter-skelter in every direction and not coming back when called, and how I had to sprint after my toddler a couple of times when he ran out into the road. They particularly mentioned their game of pushing their arms out through their camp chairs and running around like funny turkeys with chairs on their bottoms. I decided to take that as a companionable moment, and said it was so much better than last year (when S. wouldn't stay away from the campfire!) and how I imagined it would keep getting better.

I had a very rare opportunity to go shopping for our camping supplies last week by myself, since it was our vacation week. The twins were in preschool that one day, between our Wyoming vacation and our camping trip, and DH was taking care of S. There was a mom in the next aisle over with three kids in her cart, about the same age spread as mine. Two of them were crying. I dug out a page of safari animal stickers for her from my diaper bag, told her to hang in there, and she gave me a weak smile as she distributed the stickers to her children. As I went out, I ran into another twins-plus mom I know, with all three of her kids. She did a double-take and said she didn't recognize me without kids hanging all over me. It is really hard being out in public with kids. This is the theme, and I'm sticking with it.

Ugh Mandy! Programmers are the same everywhere and they torture techs as well. We have a new help desk ticketing system that is based on the old, horrible original. We, of course, were promised the moon but so far the changes are hard to swallow. Two big ones that stick out-I think they're manually assigning them-from the top Cornell level-to the various colleges/departments because help desk tickets (which are sent via email) take over an hour to appear in our queue. Why so long? And then they're appearing to US, the technicians, as assigned. We're used to seeing "new" tickets and it helped us to sort through...well, the new ones, and help the easy/fast ones as we had time and assign the more time consuming ones depending on our schedule availability. Now they're all coming in as "assigned" so they all appear like they're in progress by another tech. The programmer's argument is that the ticket is 'assigned' to our dept and not sitting in the CIT queue. :eyeroll:

Now we can't see who sent the help request ticket in, which for some people that's a big deal. The argument is we're supposed to just jump on all of them as they come in, but the reality is if the VP sends in a helpdesk ticket, he's gonna get helped before the student worker. Except now we can't tell their tickets apart.

There are other issues...like the fact that they turned on the feature that emails every person in your IT group whenever a new ticket arrives. It's averaged 50 a day. I do NOT have time to look at them coming into my inbox. I immediately created a filter that marks them as read and puts them in their own folder...which I ignore. It would be helpful if I were emailed any time a ticket was assigned to me (by my boss or whomever) but I don't need an email copy of each.and.every helpdesk ticket that comes in.

Ugh, Chrissy, I can so relate. And of all the irritating changes they made to our in-house program, they did NOT change the ridiculous grammar errors that they wrote into un-editable text areas the print out for parents to read. It's so embarrassing - this is the second year with the awful grammar. We used to have a dropdown box that says "The district proposes/refuses to do the following" and then you checked one of the options below. Now it says "The district proposal/refusal to do the following" where the words underneath are unchanged - leaving the sentence with no verb. It's so embarrassing.

Oh, and I am sorry to not respond to the airline horror stories, having never been in your exact shoes. I do know several parents who simply don't travel, or can't travel with their kids, because of the severity of their children's disabilities preventing them from remaining calm on a flight. It breaks my heart to think that one of my favorite students has never been back east to meet his grandparents because he can't fly. His mother has gone herself with his older sister, leaving him with his dad. But they've never been able to have a family vacation together. So sad. :( So at least count yourselves grateful that you can get through a flight, meltdowns and all.

Myles, you are my hero for saying that to the grumpy old man. What a jerk.

That's just awful about the grammar Mandy. I'm surprised that it's allowed and no one demanded they fix it ASAP.

My community college (where I got my degree from) is heavy in their writing requirements to get any IT-related degree. It's well known geeks aren't great with communication. Whether it's in writing or talking face-to-face with users. Actually, the geekier classes often referred to it as "dumbing it down" for our users, which always rankled me. But at least they pushed for writing skills.

Our problem is that all the programming is done by one single person, who is also in charge of our department's technology area. So there's no one over her other than the director of ex ed, who is extremely busy dealing with ticked off parents and isn't a techie. I can't imagine they have just one person. It seems crazy!

unfortunately I'm seeing that a lot even at Cornell. They significantly slashed IT staff all over campus and now we have web designers also doing desktop support. They're totally not the same thing, and I'm sorry, I'm sure you have to be pretty smart to do web design (in fact, I know you do) but that doesn't automatically make the person good with corrupted pst files.

Mandy, what's really sad to me is that your employer has the will to improve the software, but isn't seeing to it that it gets properly designed with the needs of its users in mind. I generally don't believe programmers should design functionality. Programmers tend to be able to think so abstractly that they can't see how something obvious to them is confusing to a layperson. How I would love to take on the task of retrofitting your software for you. I do a usability re-engineering project at least once a year, and they're usually one of my favorites. It's really satisfying when you know your end-user's pain points with a program, and the end result of your redesign is that the inefficiencies and obstacles are gone and everybody's life is a little bit easier. It feels really good to hear users are happy with something you helped to create. Speaking of my job, I've been enjoying my current project a lot lately because the work has been more about keeping my head down and solving logic puzzles than it's been about being a "people person" who just goes to meetings all day. I sunk my teeth into a really juicy problem on Wednesday night, and worked out the solution by Friday at midnight (it was a "working" vacation for me). It's been awhile since I got to tackle something that complex. I got so obsessed with the problem that I was losing 4 hour blocks of time at the computer. Anyway, that explains why I haven't been sleeping very well lately;. I'd been lying awake thinking about it. I am going to present it tomorrow, so maybe I can move on once my solution gets validated. I'm trying not to bore anyone with the minutiae of what I'm talking about, my point is, I've been worked up about solving the problem, and it's been kind of agitating, but a good kind of stress if that makes any sense.

That makes total sense to me. I'm the same way when I'm trying to figure out something that is puzzling me about a kid. It's really the most satisfying part of my job. In that way, what we do is very similar. Good for you for figuring it out!

How I wish you could take on our beast of a project. I don't want to fault our programmer, because she is really overworked and underpaid, but I suspect they are getting what they pay for. Not her fault, but it could be so much better.

Myles, that is crazy about that old guy on the plane. You did well to stay as calm as you did. It really, really annoys me when people don't give kids enough credit for just being kids.

For some reason the other day I was talking to some friends about confrontations and my one friend who has a mother who's a retired teacher was telling me about how he and his parents once went to a rugby match in London. He said they found their seats and then he and his dad went to get some drinks while his mum stayed in her seat. When they were gone, a girl in her 20's came up to my friend's mum and started swearing at her to get out of her seat; that she must be in the wrong seat, etc. My friend said he came back to his seat to see it all happening and my friends mum reduced the girl to tears by just simply replying (something like this), "Does your mother know that you use language like that? I have a son of my own and if I knew that he spoke like that to someone my age, I would be so embarrassed. Really, you should think about your mother before you open your mouth with such foul language." I thought I'd keep that story in my memory bank for if something like that ever happens to me...just shows how you can diffuse the situation some times. But, he said, the girl's boyfriend came over to see his girlfriend crying and was about to start in on his mum and my friend had to stand up (he's about 6 foot tall and weighs about 350 pounds) and that scared the guy off. LOL.

Travis is really trying my patience these last few days. He has such a little temper on him and now with his potty talk, he likes to talk back to me by calling me a poo poo head or bum bum head and it really annoys me that he thinks it's funny to call me that. Then, today he kicked me because he was angry that I put him on the naughty step while I was trying to explain to him about it not being kind to call me names. I don't know what to do with the boy. Everyone I talk to around here says, "Oh, well, school will start back in 5 weeks and that'll straighten him out." sigh.

Myles, that's awesome about your job. I love that too...struggling with a problem and then resolving it. I think I can remember every time when I couldn't find a solution. They stick.

:hugs: Ash. It does get better. I don't know if returned to school will solve it, but kids seem to go through one aggravating phase after another. He'll be on to something else soon enough. :P

Oh the rudeness of people! The crochety old man on the plane, the cussing at old lady woman. Argh. I hate rudeness. I think you can almost always get your point across by speaking kindly. Although, Mylah I would have done just as you, I think except when I get really angry at adults I actually get tears in my eyes and I HATE that.

Yesterday I had the most horrible headache, all stemming from back and neck being all cranked from night nursing. The good news is my headache is gone but the bad news is I had the worst nights sleep between all 3 children being so kind as to stagger their needs throughout the night instead of all waking at once:)
But seriously, my headache is gone and that alone makes me want to jump for joy.

I think that's the scorpio in us Bridget (even though I don't really believe in those things!) But I also tend to get teary eyed when angry and I too hate it.

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Originally Posted by missychrissy

I think that's the scorpio in us Bridget (even though I don't really believe in those things!) But I also tend to get teary eyed when angry and I too hate it.

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It sucks! I'm like, contrary to my quivering chin and the tears welling up in my eyes, I am NOT SAD! I am ANGRY! lol

That's exactly how I feel too. I hate the tears 'cause I don't want the person thinking I'm feeling hurt. At those moments, I could stab them in the eye with a fork. :P

Well, maybe not...but you kwim. I'm enraged, not sad.

Ok I have to admit that I have been that b*tch before who has shot dirty looks or made a passive aggressive comment (that could be heard) to DH about kids being super naughty in public. However I have NEVER done that if I saw the adult with the child was trying in some fashion.
That guy on the plane was WAY out of line...beyond out of line.

I don't cry when angry but I also don't really get enraged often. And I do sort of buy into horoscopes. Not the predicting the future part but most people I know do fall into their sign pretty well. Except my DH. He is techically aquarius but was born late and right on the cusp and falls into both aquarius and capricorn. I'm very much a virgo.

Ugg, my puppy was trying my patience last night. She was shredding a piece of litter in the living room which she knows is naughty. Didn't want to come inside when it was time and I was telling her to come. But the biggest thing is she wouldn't leave Cosmo alone. She hangs off Cosmo, humps her, jumps at her, tries to bite her neck....really she is just trying to get Cosmo to play with her (which she will sometimes but not everytime puppy wants) but all she is doing is irritating Cosmo. God it's like having siblings....I remember that from my sister, mom she's looking at me, mom she's touching. Molly is just irritating enough to Cosmo but not quite enough that Cosmo will put her in her place. She ended up with several time outs in her kennel last night!

Touched base with the social worker yesterday. August is our year update so they need fingerprints, background check, health form signed by doctor. I do know that nobody has requested our profile yet. I do need to update the letter at some point this year...like the social worker said, you want to be you in it and I think that we are....but we need a new family picture with Molly and I need to write her into the letter.

A good juicy mystery/problem is what I really need right now to bust me out of my slump with my job. That's the part of my job I do best, and my favorite part - digging into a dataset to figure out what the heck has gone all wacky and why. DH and I continue to discuss my desire to leave this job and go back to school...the whole course of education is probably going to cost about $97k, and I'll be at least 3 years with no income. It's a hard leap to make.

On the subject of kids in public. It's a double-edged sword. I have been the person scowling in annoyance at the screaming, crying child and the parent who is either ignoring or being completely ineffectual. But some people seem to think that they have the right to never have to even hear a child's voice ever, and that's ridiculous. Kids are kids; how will they learn to behave in public if they are never brought out and coached on how to behave? And of course, there are some situations like traveling where forbearance is really necessary - kids are people too, and they need to get places sometimes. Now that I'm a parent myself, I'm hyper aware of how other people may be perceiving me and my child. It's very stressful to take her out, even though she's a pretty quiet baby and doesn't fuss much, because if she makes even the tiniest peep I start worrying about causing annoyance for other people or being judged as "that parent". Ugh. This is all jumbled as usual, but my point is that kids are a part of society and responsible parents do their best to encourage socially acceptable behavior in public, while responsible citizens do their best to grant grace and patience to those parents and children.

Jennifer - I don't want to be too intrusive, but I'm wondering about how well your agency is really working for you. What do you know about their success rate with placements (i.e. how often are they unable to find a child to place with a couple after one year, two years, whatever the benchmark is)? Do they do anything to encourage birth moms to look at certain profiles or are you just floating out there with no advocate? A year just seems like so long without even a profile request...are they doing everything they could be to help you find a match?

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Originally Posted by dana_renay

Jennifer - I don't want to be too intrusive, but I'm wondering about how well your agency is really working for you. What do you know about their success rate with placements (i.e. how often are they unable to find a child to place with a couple after one year, two years, whatever the benchmark is)? Do they do anything to encourage birth moms to look at certain profiles or are you just floating out there with no advocate? A year just seems like so long without even a profile request...are they doing everything they could be to help you find a match?

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I was thinking the same thing Jen. Maybe it is because I want so much for you to have your LO! But I also think of how much you have spent financially for this adoption and I would want to make sure they are advocating for you semi-aggressively.

Erin

Oh yeah I agree that kids should be in public and most of the time are fine. And babies crying is one thing....a preschool age child crawling under MY table when I'm at a restaurant that runs around 20-30 a person while parent ignores it....something totally different! There is being a kid and there is being out of control (especially if the adult isn't trying a single thing).
We were on a train once where a little boy was so excited and was a running commentary of every single thing he saw. It got kind of irritating but was also kind of cute.

The agency we are with has a good rep and has been doing this in the state for over 100 years. They do limit the families they have to about 80-100 at any given time....that is about how many adoptions they average most years. What they have is 7-8 offices in the state where each has a big binder of families dear birthmom letters. This is a one page letter with our picture and some very basic stats on the back. Newest families are in the back, families waiting the longest are in the front. The birthmoms can look through the whole thing but I would guess that most do not and the letters start to fade together after so many. Based off those, they can request our portfolios...and usually each one only askes for a couple of them. The agency works with both sides of the adoption but really their focus is on making the best match for the baby. Each birthmom picks a family for different reasons. Like if I was placing my baby, I would definitely avoid families that are really outdoorsy and atheletic. I would assume that a bio kid of my DH and I would not be a natural athelete and would not fit as well with that family. Or really religious...I would avoid that as well. Someone else might have it be a big deal to have a religious upbringing.
So because it is birthmom driven, there is no timeline. Some get matched quickly, some take a while. They said to assume a somewhat average might be two years.
My state does have safe haven laws so when that happens, the family waiting longest is asked if that they want that child.....and a couple I know via the agency did have this be the way that they got their son this year.
The other good thing about my agency is that they do not get the rest of the money until we have our baby...and that is the bigger chunk of fees. So far the applicaction and home study fees are all that have been paid.

On the one had I'm anxious to have a baby and get antsy once in a while....but on the other I'm pretty patient and really it would be fine to be next year....like spring or summer. Gives us time to save up some more money and get back the tax return (we can claim the expenses we paid in 2011 on the 2012 taxes).

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Originally Posted by Ky'sMom

I was thinking the same thing Jen. Maybe it is because I want so much for you to have your LO! But I also think of how much you have spent financially for this adoption and I would want to make sure they are advocating for you semi-aggressively.

Erin

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Awww thanks! I have to admit though, I could be a little more aggressive myself. Like they started in the past year putting profiles online...a handful of families have done this but we haven't decided to try that yet.

I just feel really pretty confident that when the time is right, the baby that was meant to be in our family will be.

I was thinking too that I would hate to think that our portfolio went out 5 times and nobody wanted to meet us after that. And the portfolio is much stronger than our letter I think...that was hard to write that.

I'm with Erin. You've been waiting so long, and I just want you to get your LO! But it sounds like you're in an okay place with waiting right now and have faith in the agency. Getting your profile online does sound like it might be a good opportunity, though! I can imagine that digging into that huge book of profiles is a bit daunting for a birthmom.

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Originally Posted by Cosmosmom

Like if I was placing my baby, I would definitely avoid families that are really outdoorsy and atheletic.

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You know, I was thinking about this, and I would do exactly the opposite. While I wouldn't want my child to go to people who are pushy when it comes to athletics, I would definitely want him/her to go to people who are in general active and outdoorsy. IMO, that lends itself to a healthier lifestyle in general, and I absolutely detest that most of the kids I know don't even know what the great outdoors is, and can't walk a couple of miles to save their lives (without moaning and groaning).

I can't remember if I told you guys, but when I took my nephews out for a walk, the younger one (6 years old) couldn't figure out what the point was - Where are we going? Why are we going there? Why are we walking as opposed to parking right next to it? It just blew my mind that he really couldn't tell that fun can be had without there being TV or video or a soccer ball involved. The older of the two did not know how to wade through a stream. They couldn't believe how much fun can be had just splashing around and getting wet and skipping stones. It was altogether, seriously pathetic.

Jen, in your shoes, I'd definitely consider putting the profiles online. There is a higher than average likelihood that the birthmoms are going to be young, and more likely to look online than at a binder with a hundred profiles.

Suja, my nephew is like that. He is 11 and I didn't know him when he was really young but now he has to be forced to do anything that does not involve electronics. I know not everyone is extreme as I am when it comes to video games and tv but I think balance is really important. When he visited us, every time we were outside he complained about something. Flies, heat, wind, boredom. Then he got stung by a bee and oh lord, he lay in bed for 2 days (watching movies and playing video games). I had to laugh because Kai had just been stung a few days before they arrived and he was over it in about 10 minutes. Like, Chrissy I think it seems like you have a balance with Conner because I know he loves his games but you get him outside too. I know when mine start school they will be exposed to more technology and I am cautiously ok with that and feel confident that I've instilled a love of the outdoors during their very young years.

I don't get annoyed with children but I have found myself more annoyed with parents who treat their children like crap in public and have to wonder how they treat them at home. I personally expect a lot from my kids when we are out in public but as far as I'm concerned normal child behavior should be fine, especially if the parents are trying to handle it, and if one doesn't like it they should stay home.