Party Question- need opinions/advice

[Woogelaide]

We just moved to a new district a few weeks ago. At my son's old school he was in a substantially separate classroom with only other special needs students (he has autism, not low functioning, many people don't realize he has autism at first). In his new school he is part of an inclusion classroom. He spends part of the day separate, and part of the day with typical peers.
Yesterday he got an invitation to a birthday party. Because we're new, I have no idea if the girl is one of his typical peers, or one of the inclusion ones. Either way, since he's new, I know that the mom probably has no idea that he has autism. This is a gymnastics party.
In large groups (the whole class was invited) and in new places (we've never been to this place) Eamonn can have trouble. Up to and including major tantrums with hitting, kicking, biting, screaming...
So, my question is, if you were the mother throwing the party and a new kid showed up, only to have a huge meltdown, would you have wanted a heads up beforehand? Like, should I call this woman and say, "thanks for inviting us, we'd love to come, but oh yeah, he has autism and might have a huge tantrum, but we'll leave if he does?" Or should we just show up and hope for the best?
Either way, I'm not going to decline the invite. I think it will be good for us to network with the other parents, since we hope to live in this district for a long time. I just don't know how to approach the topic. I know the PC thing would be to say, "don't even mention it, it's not a big deal" but the reality is, his behavior is easier to accept when you know why he's doing what he is, and why we react to it in ways you might not understand.

So- what do you think?

[pepperlru]

If I were the other parent, I would find it very thoughtful for you to touch base. Because you're new, a short friendly conversation to say hi and thanks for the invite would be totally appropriate, and any information you could share about your son to help you all become better acquainted would, I'm sure, be helpful for the other family and for your ds too. I think the way you plan to phrase it is good too - casual, reassuring, hey-just-letting-you-know-but-no-biggie.

Along with providing an opportunity for you to say hello to the hosts, I think it also provides a bit of protection for your ds. As the parent of a kid who used to have hellacious meltdowns, I am very familiar with the side-eyes, awkwardness and judgment they can provoke. Letting the parents know ahead of time that there may be some triggers, and that there's a reason for his behavior, may give your ds a bit of a cushion as he gets to know the other kids.

If you decided not to reach out and just attend and hope for the best, that would be totally fine too. You're definitely not under any obligation to let them know. I hope you and DS have a really great time!

ETA: Just to be clear, when I said it would be thoughtful for you to touch base with the other parent, I meant it only in the sense that it could be to your benefit ... not to the host's, who should be gracious and accommodating to all of the children who attend.

[MomOfAnOnly]

I think I would wait and try to have a short convo with her that day, when you first get there (go up and say "hi, oh and btw..."). I think having that convo on the phone without having met either of you in person she won't really have any idea what to expect. Based on whatever her pre-conceived ideas are about autism, she could potentially blow the "what-if's" way out of proportion in her head, when the reality is even if he does have a tantrum it's probably not going to be as bad as what she will imagine it being. Does that make sense?

[ljs318]

I also might wait until you get to the party. I'd casually mention that if it is too overwhelming for him you might have to leave abruptly and wanted her to know ahead of time and not to take it personally if you are there one moment and gone the next. Otherwise I'm sure he'll have a great time and it's a great opportunity for him to see his friends outside of school.

[amylove]

I think I would wait and try to have a short convo with her that day, when you first get there (go up and say "hi, oh and btw..."). I think having that convo on the phone without having met either of you in person she won't really have any idea what to expect. Based on whatever her pre-conceived ideas are about autism, she could potentially blow the "what-if's" way out of proportion in her head, when the reality is even if he does have a tantrum it's probably not going to be as bad as what she will imagine it being. Does that make sense?

I think I would try this approach as well. I hope E has a great time!

[TripMomma]

I agree with Carrie...I would touch base with her when you arrive. I do think the heads up would be helpful, just so she knows you know? We have friends who have a 3 1/2 yr old girl with Autism, and just knowing that allows us to go with the flow when she is having a rough time. You are not so caught off guard or quick to jump to the wrong idea that the child is misbehaved.

I hope he has a great time at the party. Mallory (girl I mentioned above) is doing so great, they try to get her these types of experiences and usually she makes it a long time before it gets to be too much.

[MaryJane]

I wouldn't mention it. Any kid can have a meltdown. Telling her he has autism just opens it up to any assumptions she might make about what autistic children are like. I have 2 kids who have Aspergers and another that has a learning disability that puts him in an inclusion classroom. I haven't had issues with birthday parties. If they meltdown, then we say our goodbyes and leave. No biggie.

[tanyachap]

I am not sure I would say anything. But if I did, it would be at the party after I introduced myself.

[tanyachap]

Also, I wanted to mention that the mom might be very knowledgeable since her child is in inclusion classroom. When we were receiving services through EI, Kevin was in a preschool class (1 day per week) where they had children with ASD for some portions. One time I was dropping Kevin off and a boy started screaming. The mom was there and the teachers calmed him down but after that episode the mom talked to me and explained how he gets set off by certain things. She assured me he was not gonna hurt anyone. I was not worried actually and I felt for her but I already knew that it would be an inclusion class and I have read up on ASD a bit. The class had 1:1 ratio of students and teachers (special ed teachers, OT, aides) for the inclusion portion.

[LaBellaVita]

I would just casually say something like "He is on the spectrum and sometimes things can be overwhelming, if he goes into meltdown mode we might leave"..This is something along the lines that I often say, especially since on occasion we have just had to up and leave with no time for goodbye's. DS is the exact same, most people meet him and do not suspect there is any issue. But as we both know, they can change in the blink of an eye. :hugs:

[Smplyme89]

I would just casually say something like "He is on the spectrum and sometimes things can be overwhelming, if he goes into meltdown mode we might leave"..This is something along the lines that I often say, especially since on occasion we have just had to up and leave with no time for goodbye's. DS is the exact same, most people meet him and do not suspect there is any issue. But as we both know, they can change in the blink of an eye. :hugs:

I think this is a good point. Letting her know when you introduce yourselves that way if you do have to leave quicky with no goodbyes, she understands why.

[macksmom]

I think it sounds like YOU would be more comfortable if you said something in advance and think you should if you think it will make things easier for everyone. You certainly don't have to but I see nothing wrong with it if it makes things easier on you and less stressful. I am sure she knows her child is in an inclusion class and that there are children on the spectrum that will be at the party. As long as you are handling the situation it should not be her concern why your child is having a meltdown. Again, telling her would be for your own benefit, which is your choice.

[babykenny]

I think it sounds like YOU would be more comfortable if you said something in advance and think you should if you think it will make things easier for everyone. You certainly don't have to but I see nothing wrong with it if it makes things easier on you and less stressful. I am sure she knows her child is in an inclusion class and that there are children on the spectrum that will be at the party. As long as you are handling the situation it should not be her concern why your child is having a meltdown.
I think it would help you, and there's nothing wrong with making things comfortable for yourself!


I also might wait until you get to the party. I'd casually mention that if it is too overwhelming for him you might have to leave abruptly and wanted her to know ahead of time and not to take it personally if you are there one moment and gone the next. Otherwise I'm sure he'll have a great time and it's a great opportunity for him to see his friends outside of school.
I also agree with this. Then the host won't have time to worry or get worked up about it and it makes you look friendly, respectful, and responsive!


If I were the other parent, I would find it very thoughtful for you to touch base. Because you're new, a short friendly conversation to say hi and thanks for the invite would be totally appropriate, and any information you could share about your son to help you all become better acquainted would, I'm sure, be helpful for the other family and for your ds too. I think the way you plan to phrase it is good too - casual, reassuring, hey-just-letting-you-know-but-no-biggie.

Along with providing an opportunity for you to say hello to the hosts, I think it also provides a bit of protection for your ds. As the parent of a kid who used to have hellacious meltdowns, I am very familiar with the side-eyes, awkwardness and judgment they can provoke. Letting the parents know ahead of time that there may be some triggers, and that there's a reason for his behavior, may give your ds a bit of a cushion as he gets to know the other kids.

If you decided not to reach out and just attend and hope for the best, that would be totally fine too. You're definitely not under any obligation to let them know. I hope you and DS have a really great time!

ETA: Just to be clear, when I said it would be thoughtful for you to touch base with the other parent, I meant it only in the sense that it could be to your benefit ... not to the host's, who should be gracious and accommodating to all of the children who attend.
Im a teacher, and it is so helpful to know if I can just adjust my behavior or expectations (even in some small way) so I open my own awareness to meet the needs of the kids. Being casual about it is probably important...then you won't come off as intense or making a big deal out of it...instead you will come off as if it probably WON'T happen, which will disarm the hostess when you tell her. You might get a lot of compassion and a new friend out of it too!

[Woogelaide]

Thanks everyone. A little outside perspective is really helpful!

I've decided I'm going to RSVP as a yes without bringing autism up, and then casually tell her at the party when we introduce ourselves. I hadn't thought of whether or not it would stress her out if I mentioned it well ahead of time. I know throwing a preschooler birthday party is bad enough. One less thing for her to stress out about, right?

We have his cousin's party at a similar place next week. So it will be a dress rehearsal for both of us. Now I just need to figure out what to get the little girl!

[DucksLikeRain]

Good luck, Jen! I agree with a basic RSVP and then a quick "FYI, we might have to exit quickly" when you get there.

I hate birthday party invites for this reason. Scharae's at an age where they're sort of expected to go alone when it's a small party at someone's house and I'm just not confident enough in her social navigating to do that, and yet I don't want to always be "that mom" who goes to everything with her kids...so we tend to aviod parties. If it was a big one like you're talking about we'd probably go, though.

[Hippychick]

I also agreeabout waiting till the party, I do think as another parent I would rather know so that I can do things in ways to make your child have fun along witht he other children as much as possible. my middle dd had a friend who was a sensory issue(I am blank on what its called) and would act way younger and such than the other kids, I just learned to adapt things so she would have fun and the other kids had no clue. (tho they all knew her so it was not a big deal)
(and gymnastics place sounds fun, I bet he will have a great time, and Im sure the coaches who are with them onthe equipment will know how to work with all different personalities ,most are good)