Things I have learned as a single mom/Resources

[Julbella78]

Let's start a new thread "Things I have learned as a single mom" to help each other out. It can be secrets to less stress, ideas on staying organized, dealing with the ex, dealing with the "daddy" questions, budgeting, advice on going to court, etc....

There are so many questions we all have and this would be a great place to post our "been there/done that" advice. Everyone is free to post. If you are a single mom, know a single mom, or were a single mom at one point please post what you have learned. We can all learn from each other. :)

[Julbella78]

Child Support Calculator: http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/childsupport/

My been there, done that advice on child support is to take the father to court from the very beginning. My DD's father and I tried to work things out on our own but it only lasted a few months until he started to become late with the support. I also did not receive the full amount of support needed for my daughter. It took until she was 2.5 for me to go back to court to request the full amount. If I had to do it over again, I would have gone to court from the very beginning and requested the full amount.

[kris1845]

The one thing I need advice on is this last name thing... I guess it is okay to post this here? Hopefully.. anyways my dad doesn't think I should give my little boy the fathers last name and my brothers and other family members agree. My mom however thinks differently. She was once married before marrying my dad and they had a child together (my brother) and he has a different last name then me.. and my mom felt it was only right to be named after the father. James (my ex) isn't a bad person.. we just don't get a long sometimes.. but I wouldn't technically count us out from ever getting back together. We see each other everyday and he has been great.. what a change from the beginning. We just don't want to try right now to be together.. because it would feel too forced. What happens if I give him my last name and then I get re married.. then the baby has my maiden name that I don't even have anymore.. I dont want to use both though.. so I am not sure what to do. I plan to have more kids once I marry whoever I marry.. but James.. well this may be his only child.. so what should I do?? Any advice would be sooo appreciated :) Thanks!!

[CarolineC]

The one thing I need advice on is this last name thing... I guess it is okay to post this here? Hopefully.. anyways my dad doesn't think I should give my little boy the fathers last name and my brothers and other family members agree. My mom however thinks differently. She was once married before marrying my dad and they had a child together (my brother) and he has a different last name then me.. and my mom felt it was only right to be named after the father. James (my ex) isn't a bad person.. we just don't get a long sometimes.. but I wouldn't technically count us out from ever getting back together. We see each other everyday and he has been great.. what a change from the beginning. We just don't want to try right now to be together.. because it would feel too forced. What happens if I give him my last name and then I get re married.. then the baby has my maiden name that I don't even have anymore.. I dont want to use both though.. so I am not sure what to do. I plan to have more kids once I marry whoever I marry.. but James.. well this may be his only child.. so what should I do?? Any advice would be sooo appreciated :) Thanks!!

My brother has my fathers last name. His mom remarried and they just never changed the name. My father died when my brother was 10, so it kinda makes my brother really happy that he got his fathers last name.

however, Im in the same boat. I was going to use baby daddy last name for the baby ( and baby daddy's first for the middle) but the way baby daddy has been treating me, im planning to change it to my last name and if i ever get married my husband can adopt my child.

It really depends on you.

[kris1845]

yeah the father has been a real idiot lately.. so I dont even know what to do with this. I dont want to make a decision I will regret but I also want him to know his father and be as close as they can.. ahh so confused/

[kbaratka]

I wanted to say that I was a single mother for my DD first three years of life and one thing I really enjoyed was the ability to mother my daughter how ever I felt was right. I never had anyone to fight over decision making. I watched married friends fight "don't yell at her" blah blah blah, I never had that. When I said no it meant no. In fact, now that I'm married I have a hard time looking to DH before I make decisons about DD.

I also wanted to say kris1845, that while a last name is important, if you give your baby your last name and your baby daddy gets mad and isn't close with the baby because of it, then he never really wanted to be there anyway and it was just an excuse to leave. I had this problem with DD father and he left, he would have left anyway, and then I would have a daughter with no father and a different last name than me. I'm not trying to push you one way or the next, you need to do what's best for you and your LO, but a last name doens't make a dad bond with a baby, his involvement does. Good luck girl!

[queenj919]

My BTDT - you can't make a father be involved in his kid's life. As much as you want him to, don't stress yourself. Don't rearrange your schedule to accomodate him to be able to see the baby anytime he wants. Get a court-ordered visitation from the beginning. If you guys are still cool, then you can always add more visits.

Try to be self-sufficient. I know it's hard but you will be so proud of yourself when you are not depending on his child support. Like a PP mentioned, get court-ordered child support.

Remember that child support and visitation are 2 different things. Just because the baby daddy is paying support doesn't mean he can see the baby whenever he wants.

Try to not bad-talk about the BD in front of the child. Also, don't try pumping the child for information. You don't want to put him/her in a bad position, to choose which parent to side with.

[stephaniewilson19]

I am a single mom also. I've been raising two kids on my own for about two and a half years now. It hasn't always been easy, but when my daughter comes up behind me to hug me and tell me I'm the best mom in the world, it sure is worth it!

I've learned a lot since I've been on my own. I've had to. Now I'd like to share what I've learned with others.

What have I learned?

I've learned that I can be strong. I've learned to be independent, to figure out what needs to be done and how to do it--and then get it done.

I've learned to live frugally, to ask for help when I need it and to look beyond the obvious when faced with a difficult situation in order to come up with a creative and workable solution.

[angelndrsn]

Im going to be a single mother... but DH hasnt moved out yet. He was never involved with this pregnancy, hasn't bought anything for her, etc. His logical thinking is "I didn't have a choice" bs.. he had a choice when we had sex!! lol. Well anyways my question to all those who already are raising their babies is: What do you say to the child when they realize their daddy isnt around? My ex. doesnt even want visitation rights.. he wants nothing to do with the baby.

[Musickitty]

What have I learned?

I've learned the my son needs to be reassured periodically that Mommy loves him & will not leave him and that even though Mommy & daddy don't live together we will both always love him and that he lives with Mommy & visits daddy & has his own room at both places. Whenever he goes through a really difficult period where he's having loads of tantrums and doesn't want to go to bed at night I know he's ready for another little pep talk. It always calms him down.

[queenj919]

Well anyways my question to all those who already are raising their babies is: What do you say to the child when they realize their daddy isnt around? My ex. doesnt even want visitation rights.. he wants nothing to do with the baby.

Honesty is the best policy. Of course, make sure to keep it age appropriate (withholding the gory details) and make sure the child knows that the reason why Dad isn't around is not because the child was bad or anything the child did.

[hollyk]

I am not sure I count as a single parent. When my ex and I split and I moved out, I was moving in with my new partner -- my being gay was the reason for the split (long story there). My ex and I split on fairly good terms, as good as anyone could hope, but of course I felt guilty and I was so worried about hurting my daughter who was only 18ms. Anyway, I'm not sure I count, because I am not on my own, but I might have something to offer for parents who are helping very young children through a divorce. My best advice is to always tell them what to anticipate -- like it's going to be a "daddy night" or a "mommy night" or "grandma will pick you up from daycare." Even though they may not remember or fully understand, I have seen that it helps my daughter to have some clue what's happening.

[prachi jain]

hey firstly thanks for starting this thread.......my friend got married when she was 21.....she had a child when she was 23.....her husband died in an accident after one year...since then she lost her hope and was admitted to a rehab after 6 months in rehab when she came back she was more confident and now it has been 9 years that she is raising her daughter all by her self .......

[Ash31184]

Hi ladies! I am a single mom to two beautiful children! My daughter, Alana, is 5 1/2 years old. Mt son is 1. I have been a single mom from the get-go! Both my children are "daddy-less". My daughter started asking questions about her father approximately 2 years ago. I always tell her that I love her very much. I let her know that although Mommy was surprised to hear she had a baby in her belly, she was happy and ready to be a Mommy. Jeff (we don't call him dad) was not ready to be a daddy and he may never be ready. Lastly, I tell her that he does love her in his own special way, he just doesn't want to be a dad right now. It seems to REALLY work for her!

[marleyzangel]

Hi, I'm sara, 23 and pregnant with my first baby. I'm only 3 months along, and the father is a total J***ass. I'm a little confused about all the abreviations, what's DD, DH, LBDT? I guess i'm too lazy to figure it out.I'll post more when I get a picture.

[cox475]

I am 22 years old and 33 weeks pregnant. About 2 months ago I had to leave baby daddy because he kept on putting my life in danger and has hit me a couple times. I am wondering if I had made the right decison in leaving him because I can't stop thinking about him. He text me once or twice a week and I am wondering does he miss me or is he doing it so I don't get over him. My family says I shouldn't let him be there for the delivery. Should I let him be there or not?

[expecting@40]

I am 22 years old and 33 weeks pregnant. About 2 months ago I had to leave baby daddy because he kept on putting my life in danger and has hit me a couple times. I am wondering if I had made the right decison in leaving him because I can't stop thinking about him. He text me once or twice a week and I am wondering does he miss me or is he doing it so I don't get over him. My family says I shouldn't let him be there for the delivery. Should I let him be there or not?

RUN LIKE HELL!!! You are in an abusive relationship...I commend you for having the courage to leave in the first place but do not go back into that with a innocent child.

[Saphire15]

Hi, I'm sara, 23 and pregnant with my first baby. I'm only 3 months along, and the father is a total J***ass. I'm a little confused about all the abreviations, what's DD, DH, LBDT? I guess i'm too lazy to figure it out.I'll post more when I get a picture.


As far as I know DD is Dear Daughter, DS is Dear Son, DH is Dear Husband, not sure what LBDT is though.

[Saphire15]

I am 22 years old and 33 weeks pregnant. About 2 months ago I had to leave baby daddy because he kept on putting my life in danger and has hit me a couple times. I am wondering if I had made the right decison in leaving him because I can't stop thinking about him. He text me once or twice a week and I am wondering does he miss me or is he doing it so I don't get over him. My family says I shouldn't let him be there for the delivery. Should I let him be there or not?


I totally agree with expecting@40

[cox475]

Thank you for your response i appreciate it. Should i let him be there for the delivery he keeps on asking me and he says its wrong of me to not let him.

[JulieP]

Thank you for your response i appreciate it. Should i let him be there for the delivery he keeps on asking me and he says its wrong of me to not let him.

He abused you, which is very wrong. So who is he to say what is right and wrong. I would not let him be at the delivery. It may cause you lots of unneeded stress while you are going through the labor and delivery. He can come visit with the baby once it is born. You are awesome for gaining the strength to leave him. Stay strong.

[auntie2monkeyman]

I learned this recently that it's better to take the responsibility of both parents then having one parent there 24/7 and another when they want too be!

[secondbabyat37]

So my BD is not quite sure what to do with this news...we have been in turmoil for about 3-4 months and just last week called it quits and it was UGGGGLY! So then 2 days later I find out I'm pregnant and my mood is stinky and I feel tired already so whenever I see him all I do is yell and tell him I don't need him but in reality I wish he'd get his head out of his ass and wake up so he can be a part of this baby's life. But I am not going to coddle him and hold his hand so he can put on his big boy pants. I will have enough to worry about soon enough!!

[Cat]

Im a single 24 year old mother of a gorgeous 3 year old boy, I definetly wouldnt have it any other way. But I currently am sixteen weeks pregnant and worried about everything a mother would usually worry about. The father and I were doing great and then we found out I was pregnant and well like most "boys" he ran scared... but is back and forth with what he wants. Its nice to read that im not the only one going through this particular situation.

[flolypops]

I have learned as a single mom :
- children need baths every day and cannot miss their nap time ever
- Your house should be clean at all times or at least at the end of every day.

[Scarlett]

I was 19 when I had my daughter and my btdt is be very careful and be sure to assert yourself as the childs parent instead of the childs friend. If you don't it will backfire on you badly particularly when you hit the teen years.

[gagesmommy2008]

My story is pretty complicated. Sorry for confusion. I was 16 when I got pregnant with my son! Still living at home with my parents, just a junior in high school. I was 17 when my son was born and in my senior year & yes I did finish school. I had when dating a guy for over a year whom is Gage (my sons) father. I actually didn't find out i was pregnant until 2 months after we had split up and I was already seeing someone else. When I found out I was pregnant..I assumed it was the new guys baby! So the whole 9 months of pregnancy I had it all wrong. A couple after I had my son, I had a DNA done because I was so young people we're saying this & saying that. Come to find out, Gage belong to the guy I had seen for over a year. Having to call him & let him know I needed him for a DNA was the worst thing EVER! He was in a relationship and now married. He's 23 & his wife is 38. She didn't take things very well, and had a fit. Well He didn't see Gage until he was ..7 months old. When him and her had actually split up for a few days! Shes a very jealous person. Since then I had been nice enough to let me see him one day out of the weekend. I thought it was pretty fair without having to go through court. He was 1800 dollars behind in support and me & his wife had been having several problems and she had threatened to "whoop me" well I stopped his visitation & we went to court. He got everyother weekend and one day a week. At first things started out good. He had to pick up Gage on friday & I picked him up on Sunday! I continued to go through he** with his wife & finally this past August.. I said enough! We went to court and now he has to pick him up BY his self! No one is allowed to be with him! Simply because she would harrase me! She would have her 13 year old son text me and tell mw how stupid I was. It was all just a big mess! Now since he has to come by his self.. he has missed every weekend he was suppose to get him since court.. which has been two! I'm working & in my 2nd semester of college. Me & Gage live by ourself & are waiting for our house to be finished getting built. We're almost home owners!!!! Being a single mom has made me STRONG! You don't know how strong you are, until being strong it the only choice you have! I'm now expecting my 2nd babyyy on March 4th. Me & the daddy are currently not together! We've been together every since I got pregnant with Gage, but since April we ran into some problems! I'm not sure if things will ever get better! But All i can do is hope!

[Cflattop]

so happy I found this thread, I became a single mom 3 years ago after my husband unexpectedly passed away our daughters were 11 & 18 at the time, I am now expecting another daughter...by my ex-boyfriend who is not in my life alot, so I am not expecting to much, sometimes I feel so strong, and confindent..like I can do this by myself, and other times...I just want to cry and curl up in a ball...so scary!! but great advice...on here...

[squirrelgurl07]

Ive been a single mom twice and both times now walking away was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I loved Mera's daddy so much that it still leaves me numb when I see him. The btdt I have to share is that if they can't be honest to you, are willing to walk out on you and your child and already have a girl then walk away. The momentary pain is better then the long lasting pain of dealing with a girl on the side and knowing its not only you he wants. Another thing I learned is if he can hit you he can hit your kiddo so it's better to be broke and a single mom then to be a battered one and having your girl grow up thinking thats ok.

[Natalie14]

i've been a single mom since 2008 to natalie who is 4 :) she has been the best thing that could of happened to me :) I am currently going to college trying to attain my business administration degreee to further advance. My story has the painful side to it but i always make sure that i show my daughter the beautiful side of things which uplifts me in a mirror effect. i ve learned that its better to be seen as a happy single mom and not caring what people think about the whole "why arent you with the father" life is beyond that. i ve learned to hush those comments and pay attention what is it to live in the present moment that backs up the good choice i made in why i am where i am.

looking forward to connnecting.