What is Attachment Parenting?

[stash]

According to Dr. Sears:

WHAT ATTACHMENT PARENTING IS –THE 7 BABY B'S
Attachment parenting is a style of caring for your infant that brings out the best in the baby and the best in the parents.

7 ATTACHMENT TOOLS: THE BABY B'S
1. Birth bonding
The way baby and parents get started with one another helps the early attachment unfold. The days and weeks after birth are a sensitive period in which mothers and babies are uniquely primed to want to be close to one another. A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture (see Bonding)
"What if something happens to prevent our immediate bonding?"

Sometimes medical complications keep you and your baby apart for a while, but then catch-up bonding is what happens, starting as soon as possible. When the concept of bonding was first delivered onto the parenting scene twenty years ago, some people got it out of balance. The concept of human bonding being an absolute "critical period" or a "now-or-never" relationship was never intended. Birth bonding is not like instant glue that cements the mother-child relationship together forever. Bonding is a series of steps in your lifelong growing together with your child. Immediate bonding simply gives the parent- infant relationship a headstart. (See "Birth Bonding")

2. Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding is an exercise in babyreading. Breastfeeding helps you read your baby's cues, her body language, which is the first step in getting to know your baby. Breastfeeding gives baby and mother a smart start in life. Breastmilk contains unique brain-building nutrients that cannot be manufactured or bought. Breastfeeding promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.

3. Babywearing
A baby learns a lot in the arms of a busy caregiver. Carried babies fuss less and spend more time in the state of quiet alertness, the behavior state in which babies learn most about their environment. Babywearing improves the sensitivity of the parents. Because your baby is so close to you, you get to know baby better. Closeness promotes familiarity. (Click here for more information on Babywearing)

4. Bedding close to baby
Wherever all family members get the best night's sleep is the right arrangement for your individual family. Co-sleeping co-sleeping adds a nighttime touch that helps busy daytime parents reconnect with their infant at night. Since nighttime is scary time for little people, sleeping within close touching and nursing distance minimizes nighttime separation anxiety and helps baby learn that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in.

5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry
A baby's cry is a signal designed for the survival of the baby and the development of the parents. Responding sensitively to your baby's cries builds trust. Babies trust that their caregivers will be responsive to their needs. Parents gradually learn to trust in their ability to appropriately meet their baby's needs. This raises the parent-child communication level up a notch. Tiny babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate. (See Crying and Cry it Out)

6. Beware of baby trainers
Attachment parenting teaches you how to be discerning of advice, especially those rigid and extreme parenting styles that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby; you know, the cry-it-out crowd. This "convenience" parenting is a short-term gain, but a long-term loss, and is not a wise investment. These more restrained styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert in your child.

7. Balance
In your zeal to give so much to your baby, it's easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your marriage. As you will learn the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your baby – knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and having the wisdom to say "yes" to yourself when you need help.

MORE ABOUT ATTACHMENT PARENTING

AP is a starter style. There may be medical or family circumstances why you are unable to practice all of these baby B's. Attachment parenting implies first opening your mind and heart to the individual needs of your baby, and eventually you will develop the wisdom on how to make on-the-spot decisions on what works best for both you and your baby. Do the best you can with the resources you have – that's all your child will ever expect of you. These baby B's help parents and baby get off to the right start. Use these as starter tips to work out your own parenting style – one that fits the individual needs of your child and your family. Attachment parenting helps you develop your own personal parenting style.

AP is an approach, rather than a strict set of rules. It's actually the style that many parents use instinctively. Parenting is too individual and baby too complex for there to be only one way. The important point is to get connected to your baby, and the baby B's of attachment parenting help. Once connected, stick with what is working and modify what is not. You will ultimately develop your own parenting style that helps parent and baby find a way to fit – the little word that so economically describes the relationship between parent and baby.

AP is responsive parenting. By becoming sensitive to the cues of your infant, you learn to read your baby's level of need. Because baby trusts that his needs will be met and his language listened to, the infant trusts in his ability to give cues. As a result, baby becomes a better cue-giver, parents become better cue-readers, and the whole parent-child communication network becomes easier.

AP is a tool. Tools are things you use to complete a job. The better the tools, the easier and the better you can do the job. Notice we use the term "tools" rather than "steps." With tools you can pick and choose which of those fit your personal parent-child relationship. Steps imply that you have to use all the steps to get the job done. Think of attachment parenting as connecting tools, interactions with your infant that help you and your child get connected. Once connected, the whole parent-child relationship (discipline, healthcare, and plain old having fun with your child) becomes more natural and enjoyable. Consider AP a discipline tool. The better you know your child, the more your child trusts you, and the more effective your discipline will be. You will find it easier to discipline your child and your child will be easier to discipline.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T130300.asp

[Jenny]

I'd love to add some AP things for older children (toddlers, preschoolers, etc...)

[Jenny]

1. Communicate your love to your child in word and deed each and every day.

2. Listen for the feelings behind your child's verbal communication and respond to those feelings in an accepting way.

3. Show respect for your child's unique ideas and opinions.

4.Discuss mutual goals and plans with your child frequently. Go over the next day's schedule at bedtime. Make sure everyone knows where they will be going, what they will be doing, and what each person's responsibility will be.

5. Notify your child personally when plans change suddenly.

6. Continue to touch your child affectionately with hugs, pats on the back, sitting together to read, etc.

7. Model and teach courtesy, patience, kindness, thoughtfulness, honesty, loyalty, responsibility, fairness, and forgiveness.

8.Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities at home.

9.Recognize, acknowledge, and praise your child when he maks an effort to do something good -good school papers, obeying parents, helping at home. Make a big deal out of it!

10. Avoid destructive expressions of anger such as insulting, sarcasm, shaming, yelling, or spanking the child.

From Kim Keith

[Babies]

I've been reading the Complete Guide to Christian Parenting and Child Care by Dr. William Sears. It is a wonderful book. I really like the chart that he show on parenting advice from both the attached view and the "detached view". Hope you don't mind I post the attached side of it below:


Attachment Parenting Advice
Be open to your baby's cues
Take your baby with you
Throw away your clock and calendar
Respond promptly to cues
Travel as a family unit
Sleep wherever you all sleep best
Let your baby sleep when he is tired
Wean when both of you are ready
Let her decide when she is ready to be independent
Allow discipline to flow naturally from harmony w/ baby
Let authority flow from trust

Attachment Parenting Results
Confidence in your parenting abilities
You know your child well
You develop realistic expectations
You adjust more easily to your new lifestyle
You enjoy your baby more
You are more discerning of advice
You keep pace with your child
Your child learns to trust

[camdel]

1. Communicate your love to your child in word and deed each and every day.

2. Listen for the feelings behind your child's verbal communication and respond to those feelings in an accepting way.

3. Show respect for your child's unique ideas and opinions.

4.Discuss mutual goals and plans with your child frequently. Go over the next day's schedule at bedtime. Make sure everyone knows where they will be going, what they will be doing, and what each person's responsibility will be.

5. Notify your child personally when plans change suddenly.

6. Continue to touch your child affectionately with hugs, pats on the back, sitting together to read, etc.

7. Model and teach courtesy, patience, kindness, thoughtfulness, honesty, loyalty, responsibility, fairness, and forgiveness.

8.Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities at home.

9.Recognize, acknowledge, and praise your child when he maks an effort to do something good -good school papers, obeying parents, helping at home. Make a big deal out of it!

10. Avoid destructive expressions of anger such as insulting, sarcasm, shaming, yelling, or spanking the child.

From Kim Keith


huh, who knew. I guess I fall into this catergory!!!

[<3.Mel.<3]

I feel very at home and at peace in here :)

[Jilliesmom]

After reading this I see that I belong here 110% :)

[Nancy887]

After reading this I see that I belong here 110% :)

I totally agree

[laura88]

I have a question...This seems to follow greatly into my philosophy of childrearing. My only thing is, I feel for me, the child sleeping in a seperate room is important (although I feel I may sleep in my lazboy in his room at times). I have many reasons for this, a big one being my insomnia, & DF's really horrible snoring...plus I feel the baby's room is more sanitary as it has less traffic & our bath is in our master. My question is, what is a good way for "making up" this time?

[maine06]

I have a question...This seems to follow greatly into my philosophy of childrearing. My only thing is, I feel for me, the child sleeping in a seperate room is important (although I feel I may sleep in my lazboy in his room at times). I have many reasons for this, a big one being my insomnia, & DF's really horrible snoring...plus I feel the baby's room is more sanitary as it has less traffic & our bath is in our master. My question is, what is a good way for "making up" this time?

breastfeeding, babywearing, holding and cuddling :)

[laura88]

Ironically, once baby Caleb was born, all of that flew out the window! He almost flipped himself over in his bed when we got home from the hospital. He now sleeps in a bassinet by my side, and often in my arms by the morning. It's so much easier to breast feed this way. I also wear him during the day b/c he's less fussy when I do.

[maine06]

Ironically, once baby Caleb was born, all of that flew out the window! He almost flipped himself over in his bed when we got home from the hospital. He now sleeps in a bassinet by my side, and often in my arms by the morning. It's so much easier to breast feed this way. I also wear him during the day b/c he's less fussy when I do.


I am so happy to hear that :)

[marivigi]

Ironically, once baby Caleb was born, all of that flew out the window! He almost flipped himself over in his bed when we got home from the hospital. He now sleeps in a bassinet by my side, and often in my arms by the morning. It's so much easier to breast feed this way. I also wear him during the day b/c he's less fussy when I do.

Thats what usually happens :)

You have an "idea" of what you want and like and plan to do.. and then baby arrives, and baby decides :)

Some babies sleep bette rint heir rooms, others next to their parfents bed, other IN their parents bed... thats why Dr. Sears mentions "whatever sleeping arragement works for youa nd your family is the best sleeping arragement"

[courtneyandry]

I'm currently in the TTC our 1st phase, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE being able to gain knowledge and insight in the numerous other catagories here! I'm new to APA, but I've been lurking for about 2 months :)

Now I just need to get my DH to read some of this to help him understand my viewpoint on how I'd like us to raise our children ;o) He's of a very traditional mindset, very nervous about my wanting a midwife vs. an ob/gyn, skeptical of my wanting to CD vs. using disposable diapers, and looks at me sideways when I mention cosleeping lol!

I love him dearly, but I PRAY he comes around...with the resources this section has provided me, I can appeal to his LOGIC and give him something firm to read and look into so he can come to a decision that way.

I'm sure as I have questions come up, I'll be able to find answers :) Thanks!

[laura88]

Well, I think you may want to point out that a midwife is an RN, a nurse w/as much education as a doctor, if she works in a hospital or doctor's office. As for the CD...well, I think you'd have to show him the variety and the ease, but I don't use CD's when I'm away. It gives me the icks to think of caring that around. His swimsuit is enought for me. Cosleeping...well I have my LO in a bassinett bedside so when I need to BF I can, but I try to keep him in his crib for his own safety. DF can be a violent sleeper. I do know that this works best for some women, while in the bed works better for others. You have to find what works for you. As you see, I had a "plan" for sleeping, but my LO had other ideas. Marivigi is rght, you do what works for you. My DF was all about CD's for us, he insisted on them b/c he had them...so I sai fine, but you have to do the laundry. Know that I know BM is water soluable and I've seen how easy it is too clean (but still gross, sorry) I feel a little different. Just know that these things take time, and when you're pregnant, he'll slowly change for the 9months. I heard this once & i's really true: "For a woman getting to become a mother it takes 9 seconds, for a man it takes 10 months" Meaning that the second we know we're expecting we've switched into mommy mode. It may takes us 9months to prepare for their arrival, but we're ady that second. For a man, he'll be ready about 2wks or so after the baby arrives. It takes them time to move into that gear...so go easy on him. He'll think he knows how he feels, and then baby will get here and WHAM! It'll be sooooo different.

[mrs.B]

... skeptical of my wanting to CD vs. using disposable diapers, and looks at me sideways when I mention cosleeping lol!

I love him dearly, but I PRAY he comes around...with the resources this section has provided me, I can appeal to his LOGIC and give him something firm to read and look into so he can come to a decision that way.

I'm sure as I have questions come up, I'll be able to find answers :) Thanks!

You must be my apa twin! (btw, we got married 8-11-08). DH definitely thinks I'm a little crazy for wanting to CD and have our babies sleep next to us (he's afraid he will roll over on them, bless his heart!). I like the idea of having the baby in the contraption attached to the side of the bed. He might change his mind if I am still on third shift...just roll over and fall back to sleep.

I will have to check out that book. I know I have ALOT to learn when it comes to being a mommy (hopefully we will get that BFP soon).
God bless!

[UmmeAaiman]

This is a really thought provoking article and seems to go in contrast to the kind of easy parenting tips we get from young moms..... Thanks for putting up the amazing article.... and I think this style of parenting would work wonderfully with fathers and babies.... right????

[tljoseph75]

I'm HOME!! AP describes my beliefs to a tee. I never knew it had a name!

[hendhe3]

Awesome article. I finally found other parents who co-sleep, wear their babies (I have worn my last two), I haven't been able to breastfeed very easy though. Any suggestions? I can't seem to get over the soreness. After 3 months of being sore with the last one I get cold chills thinking about doing it again. Babys get alot of blood with his milk...lol. I am lucky that my hubby is so supportive with any ideas I have. He loves living natural and close to the children. It does get kinda hard to sleep though with 3 little boys and the hubby all piled into our oversized bed on the weekends, (he works outta town all week) but to watch their little faces while they are sleeping is awesome! My oldest is now starting to sleep in his own room and the middle one is beginning to follow suit. I am ok with it too. They have decided they are ready and I think my back is! ha ha.

[laura88]

Awesome article. I finally found other parents who co-sleep, wear their babies (I have worn my last two), I haven't been able to breastfeed very easy though. Any suggestions? I can't seem to get over the soreness. After 3 months of being sore with the last one I get cold chills thinking about doing it again. Babys get alot of blood with his milk...lol. I am lucky that my hubby is so supportive with any ideas I have. He loves living natural and close to the children. It does get kinda hard to sleep though with 3 little boys and the hubby all piled into our oversized bed on the weekends, (he works outta town all week) but to watch their little faces while they are sleeping is awesome! My oldest is now starting to sleep in his own room and the middle one is beginning to follow suit. I am ok with it too. They have decided they are ready and I think my back is! ha ha.
WHat do you treat nipples w/before and after feedings?

[hendhe3]

Lansinol. I use it before I feed and after. I kinda think it had something to do with my nipples. The are really really small. Or maybe I am not latching them on correctly. I don't know if I am supposed to put the entire nipple in or just the hard part? I feel kinda dumb but I really don't know. The hosp told me it was because I had a c-section with each one. My milk came in though so I am confused. We are trying for number 4 and I would like to be able to have the closeness from bf.

[laura88]

Lansinol. I use it before I feed and after. I kinda think it had something to do with my nipples. The are really really small. Or maybe I am not latching them on correctly. I don't know if I am supposed to put the entire nipple in or just the hard part? I feel kinda dumb but I really don't know. The hosp told me it was because I had a c-section with each one. My milk came in though so I am confused. We are trying for number 4 and I would like to be able to have the closeness from bf.
The whole nipple, including areola needs to be in the babies mouth. Use whatever Lanolin you have, but I'd make sure it's the sauve, not lotion. The one that's like vaseline. Also, there is a spray, but only at Traget, it's available online. It's a Lanolin Spray. Use it b4 and after showers on the whole nipple area. Also consult an LC. http://www.llli.org/

[hendhe3]

Will do with my next one! I really appreciate everyone who answers questions and gives me advice! :P

[Minismommy]

According to Dr. Sears:

WHAT ATTACHMENT PARENTING IS –THE 7 BABY B'S
Attachment parenting is a style of caring for your infant that brings out the best in the baby and the best in the parents.

7 ATTACHMENT TOOLS: THE BABY B'S
1. Birth bonding
The way baby and parents get started with one another helps the early attachment unfold. The days and weeks after birth are a sensitive period in which mothers and babies are uniquely primed to want to be close to one another. A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture (see Bonding)
"What if something happens to prevent our immediate bonding?"

Sometimes medical complications keep you and your baby apart for a while, but then catch-up bonding is what happens, starting as soon as possible. When the concept of bonding was first delivered onto the parenting scene twenty years ago, some people got it out of balance. The concept of human bonding being an absolute "critical period" or a "now-or-never" relationship was never intended. Birth bonding is not like instant glue that cements the mother-child relationship together forever. Bonding is a series of steps in your lifelong growing together with your child. Immediate bonding simply gives the parent- infant relationship a headstart. (See "Birth Bonding")

2. Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding is an exercise in babyreading. Breastfeeding helps you read your baby's cues, her body language, which is the first step in getting to know your baby. Breastfeeding gives baby and mother a smart start in life. Breastmilk contains unique brain-building nutrients that cannot be manufactured or bought. Breastfeeding promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.

3. Babywearing
A baby learns a lot in the arms of a busy caregiver. Carried babies fuss less and spend more time in the state of quiet alertness, the behavior state in which babies learn most about their environment. Babywearing improves the sensitivity of the parents. Because your baby is so close to you, you get to know baby better. Closeness promotes familiarity. (Click here for more information on Babywearing)

4. Bedding close to baby
Wherever all family members get the best night's sleep is the right arrangement for your individual family. Co-sleeping co-sleeping adds a nighttime touch that helps busy daytime parents reconnect with their infant at night. Since nighttime is scary time for little people, sleeping within close touching and nursing distance minimizes nighttime separation anxiety and helps baby learn that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in.

5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry
A baby's cry is a signal designed for the survival of the baby and the development of the parents. Responding sensitively to your baby's cries builds trust. Babies trust that their caregivers will be responsive to their needs. Parents gradually learn to trust in their ability to appropriately meet their baby's needs. This raises the parent-child communication level up a notch. Tiny babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate. (See Crying and Cry it Out)

6. Beware of baby trainers
Attachment parenting teaches you how to be discerning of advice, especially those rigid and extreme parenting styles that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby; you know, the cry-it-out crowd. This "convenience" parenting is a short-term gain, but a long-term loss, and is not a wise investment. These more restrained styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert in your child.

7. Balance
In your zeal to give so much to your baby, it's easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your marriage. As you will learn the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your baby – knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and having the wisdom to say "yes" to yourself when you need help.

MORE ABOUT ATTACHMENT PARENTING

AP is a starter style. There may be medical or family

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T130300.asp

i love this forum and this is what i want to be!! an attached mom :hugs:

[babykenny]

I took a class on Parenting and Attachment for my undergrad psychology program, but we focused more on children in general - not babies. As I am in grad school now after several years of being in the professional world (and changing careers), I had another great professor that turned me onto Dr. Sears and Mrs. Sears, RN. They are the best!

Attachment Parenting is not radical. It actually seems to go back to our human instincts, throwing away technological devices, contraptions, and ideologies. It gets to the root of who we are, who are babies are, and how we need to relate to each other.

Clearly AP can differ from one parent/child coupling to the next. It doesn't mean one person is wrong and the other one is right. None of our lives and living situations are exactly the same. It's up to us to consider all of the factors in our environment and then structure (or abandon the structure) of how to raise our babies...Just like each pregnancy can differ from the next, each child's needs can differ from the next, and with each child born the needs of the family as a unit can change...

Personally, I can't wait to have this LO and begin to bond with him/her!!!! :wub:

Thank you all for being here and sharing such great philosophies...

Love,
Kiki :bellyrubs:

[Flowrgrl]

I'm so glad I found this thread! I'm currently studying early child hood education and have a six month old daughter. I was introduced to AP last year in one of classes. Has anyone heard of Magda Gerber? She introduced a great program back in the late '70's that focuses on AP.

[Nicolescandy]

This is a really thought provoking article and seems to go in contrast to the kind of easy parenting tips we get from young moms..... Thanks for putting up the amazing article.... and I think this style of parenting would work wonderfully with fathers and babies.... right????Indeed it is, thank you.

[imastar]

wow... i so belong here :) i am a new mom of a beautiful baby girl and knew from the start i want to be close to her and have a bond with her. i never knew what i had in mind had a name. attachment parenting. i love it. i do have a question. after becca was born she had to spend 2 days in the nicu..we were both on iv and antibiotics.. which i think caused my milk to take longer to come in. so now we are struggling with breastfeeding. i try and try but she doesnt stay latched long enough to stimulate more milk production. so i have to pump what i can to give her first before supplementing with formula. i sooo dearly want to just breastfeed or atleast get her on the breast...i feel like im loosing bonding time. what is a good way to make up that time? ive been doing skin to skin and holding her. i want to wear her and have 2 different carriers, but she doesnt seem to like them right now. hopefully she will get use to it and enjoy it once shes a little older. shes 2 weeks right now.

[Mamarazzi]

@Imastar Congrats on your new baby!

There's a great breastfeeding/pumping forum on APA you should visit if you haven't already. There are some great women in there with lots of info and helpful tips. Have you seen an LC?

Skin to skin is wonderful for the both of you, so keep that up for sure! The Moby was the best most wonderful thing ever for the newborn stage with my daughter. It aloud her to feel swaddled but could be right against my skin at the same time.

[roseycheeks75]

Repeating the same thing ... I belong here. I didn't know what I was doing was considered AP so this is nice. I did realize that I may be different when the nurse at our Peds said not to have baby fall asleep in our arms. Dh and I though that was weird and asked our lactation consult who made us feel better about our choice and said to use your instincts. Can't wait to learn more here !

[babysalvador]

thanks for posting this :)

[babybluesash]

Its funny I have never read about AP but this is exactly DH & I style. LO is so laid back and rarely cries.

Its so funny the comment my boss made that I have adapted so easily to all my life changes he was amazed at how much progress and actually exceeded his expectations.

AP makes life so much easier.

[barbiedoll90]

seems like im fitting in here so far... :)

I had REALLY strict and firm plans before my daughter was born.
for example:
1. I was FIRM on her sleeping in her own crib from the start so i refused to get a basinet
2. I was FIRM on scheduling her feedings because I didnt want feeding time to take over
3. I was set on letting her CIO if needed
and so on, that i cant even remember now...

well Victoria was born and EVERYTHING went out the window... I follow her cues, I ended up co-sleeping instead of the crib, i feed her on demand, and i dont even come close to letting her CIO... If shes crying is because she needs something, and its my job as her mother to help her and make her feel safe (even if i cant help)...

DBF leans to how i was before she came here... its caused some fights because he doesnt know how to listen to her and follow her cues... :( it is a learning process, and hes learning...

but at least for the sake of co-sleeping and making me and DD happy hes buying me a bigger bed!!!! :)