Mommy meltdown

[Amanda0102]

Warning - likely to be long (and annoying :eyeroll:)...

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and uncomfortable. Having a case of pregnancy hormone blues, centered around DH not contributing around the house where I need him to (okay, he does the recycling and garbage and gives Sam his baths...but I do all of the cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, feeding and all extracurricular activities for Sam - and we both work full time. I had a 'moment' last night after I managed to work a full day, do laundry and put dinner on the table - he came home 30 minutes late, took 2 work calls during dinner, didn't help clean up, didn't help get Sam ready for gym and made us almost late for gym class while I manage taking care of EVERYTHING being hugely pregnant and slow).

There's the foundation of it. You also should know that while my nanny is good with Sam, she has annoying quirks - for a 25 year old, she gets legitimately sick really often (about every other month) and it's never handled well. Ie what should be a simple 2 sick days out for a cold usually turns into a week of drama and unavailability while it turns into bronchitis or an infection.

So the nanny has had abdominal cramping from ovarian cysts. Spent 9 hours in the ER Friday night for it. Was a little slow/mopey yesterday and left early to go to her GYN. Came in smelling of smoke (stress) and REALLY mopey this morning -said her GYN didn't do anything and wants her back tomorrow for a sono in his office (wouldn't use the ER's and his tech had left yesterday). So I tell her how retarded that is and she agrees and is clearly in pain, but trying to work w/Sam, whatever.

At 11am, she comes to me crying, saying "I have to go home and change - I'm bleeding". I tell her to call her doctor and not to come back. She does and she's in the ER again now.

Of course it's always me who has to pick up the slack - DH is never able to manage his workload enough to be here for these emergencies. EVEN THOUGH HE PLANNED TO TAKE THIS AFTERNOON OFF TO SKATEBOARD. He works 3/4 mile away, I asked him to please find 20 mins to come home before 1pm so I could shower. He didn't. Meanwhile, I'm trying to check in at work while building a fort with Sam and playing in his play kitchen and am getting progressively stressed out. I made his lunch and LOST it by the end. He takes over an hour to eat a small amount of food because he insists that I feed him and he plays with toys and talks the entire time. He spilled 2 big glasses of juice all over himself, so I had to strip him twice in the middle of eating. I got an email after 50 minutes of lunch and wanted to deal with it and he WOULDN'T STOP TALKING. Question question question demand question demand...I couldn't take it anymore, I pushed his highchair a few feet away from me and yelled at him to just be quiet for 2 minutes because I needed to think.

I feel TERRIBLE. I can't manage this now - should be great in another 9 weeks when I have a high-needs infant at home, too.

:cry:

[flatoutgallop]

:hugs::hugs:

[JulieP]

:hugs: I'm so sorry. :hugs:

[TripMomma]

Hugs momma....maybe let DH read this, sounds like you could really use more help out of him!

[sarahlynn]

oh hun :hugs:

im sorry :( anyone else who can help you out a bit

[Seneca]

:hugs: I feel you, I really really do.

I hope things get better soon.

[11-12-06]

:hugs: I am SO there with you only the infant is 5 months old now and it is the SAME crap over and over again...

[Amanda0102]

Part of my frustration, honestly, is at Sam...and then at me for being frustrated at Sam.

Objectively, should it take over an hour for a 2.5 year old to eat 3/4 piece of cheese, a small plate of macaroni and 4 bites of sloppy joe meat? I feel like EVERYTHING with him takes 3 times as long as it should...I have no problem with that in terms of the given things like getting out the door, but these daily things like meals - or our nighttime routine, which involves me asking 15 different times over an hour and a half if he wants to read stories and he never does until it's way too late and I get stressed EVERY NIGHT - makes me :crazy:.

[11-12-06]

Sam and PJ should join the slow eaters society of america...a club we invented just for PJ!! toddlers are crazy sometimes...

[Amanda0102]

Sam and PJ should join the slow eaters society of america...a club we invented just for PJ!!

We can call it the Slow-eating Sons of Amandas Society! :P

[11-12-06]

We can call it the Slow-eating Sons of Amandas Society! :P
:laugh: deal!

[daylilies]

Maybe your next one will be ridiculously easy. I hear it works out that way sometimes.
I'm sorry to hear that. But if Josh is taking a long time to eat, we take it away. If he screams about it we give him a snack bar or something he can eat on the go. It must be frustrating to have a high needs toddler and not have enough help.

[newmami]

:hugs: Amanda... I agree that your DH needs to read this and help you a little more

[MammaMia]

Huge bear hugs! :hugs: I'd be flipping out too if I were under that much stress. You're human, don't beat yourself up over it!

[Heather J]

:hugs: from me too. I thought B had stepped up and was helping out more around the house and with Sam? Hopefully when the new little guy is here he'll realize that he has no choice but to.

[Amanda0102]

He stepped up by giving him baths, which totally helps. He can't cook, so I know not to rely on him for that...but clearing the table once in a while wouldn't suck, as wouldn't him doing laundry occasionally or vacuuming.

The thing that bothers me is that I ask him nicely and he says sure - and doesn't follow through. Then I yell and we fight about it. I think I have to learn to ask more nicely and pointedly (ie rather than "Can you please start doing some laundry?" I'll have to say "Will you please do this load of wash tonight?"), but it kills me that he just doesn't think of this stuff on his own.

[Heather J]

Jeff is that way, too. And he'll say he will do something, and then it's like he forgets. Which maybe he does, but it's so annoying. I swear, men just think so differently than women.

[ColtsFan1912]

((((hugs))))))

[mjh8406]

He stepped up by giving him baths, which totally helps. He can't cook, so I know not to rely on him for that...but clearing the table once in a while wouldn't suck, as wouldn't him doing laundry occasionally or vacuuming.

The thing that bothers me is that I ask him nicely and he says sure - and doesn't follow through. Then I yell and we fight about it. I think I have to learn to ask more nicely and pointedly (ie rather than "Can you please start doing some laundry?" I'll have to say "Will you please do this load of wash tonight?"), but it kills me that he just doesn't think of this stuff on his own.

Ugh! I know what you mean, why do we have to ask for every little chore? Why can't they think, "hey, she is hugely pregnant and tired, I should help out!". Maybe you could sit him down after Sam goes to bed tonight and tell him you can't do it anymore. That you need him to do baths, clean up after dinner every night and do the laundry from now on....and that includes checking to see how it is piling up everyday and making sure there is enough clean clothes for the family. Sometimes I think men have to have it spelled out step by step. I am really sorry, I know how you feel with the no help thing but I can't imagine adding on a pregnancy like the stressful one you have had :hugs:

[Armylovin]

(((HUGS))) I have no insight (yet I'm sure) on having a high needs one at that age, Raygen is high needs but still in the 'easy' phase.

As far as DH-I went through this with Ryan as well. I would get so frustrated that there is a pile of unfolded clothes sitting in the basket in the living room less then 2 feet from him and yet the thought never occurred to him that it needs folded. We just had a big talk on Sunday because yes he does have the two kids all day but he has admitted to being bored when they go down for naps and so he just watches tv-I then get to be gone about 9-10 hours a day to come home and start right into cleaning the house, making dinner, doing baths and bedtime for the boys and leaving me NO time to enjoy them on my own. Long story short (sorry for the ramble there!) we agreed that every Sunday we'll sit down a make a 'list' of things that we would like to see done this week, he will then pick one (or more if time allows) and do it while I'm gone at work (if babies allow). Yesterday he did 3 loads of laundry (we only put 1 on the list but he was 'on a roll') from start to finish, today he has called the contractor to do our floors and swept the kitchen. He is a visual person and likes to see the list getting shorting knowing he's done it, maybe that could be something your hubby would benefit from too? I also help with the list so he doesn't feel like its a big workload for him.

[anr422]

Hugs Amanda!

[Jessie]

He stepped up by giving him baths, which totally helps. He can't cook, so I know not to rely on him for that...but clearing the table once in a while wouldn't suck, as wouldn't him doing laundry occasionally or vacuuming.

The thing that bothers me is that I ask him nicely and he says sure - and doesn't follow through. Then I yell and we fight about it. I think I have to learn to ask more nicely and pointedly (ie rather than "Can you please start doing some laundry?" I'll have to say "Will you please do this load of wash tonight?"), but it kills me that he just doesn't think of this stuff on his own.

this use to be a huge thing between dh and I. Many a fight was had. If I say "will you please {insert chore} today/tonight?" it gets done. I still wish he would just see that it needs to get done and do it but he just doesn't function like that. So now I get straight to the point and it gets done and we fight less. I think men in general are missing that piece in their critical thinking.

I hope you get the help you need from him soon :hugs:
I hope you get some more help

[dragonfly]

:hugs:

[macksmom]

That sucks. I fear he suddenly wont just 'get it' once #2 arrives and it will just be worse. I 2nd the list idea. I too have to CONSTANTLY ask DH to do things. Sometimes I get a grumble and sometimes not but I hate even having to ask. I think we all need to give up on the idea of them thinking of these things one their own!

I also hate asking people to do things for me and I hate feeling helpless so this has been my own issue. Sure I like the help and getting out of certain chores but sometimes it's just easier to do it myself.

As for the nanny - she sounds like one of those people with issues. I don't think the excessive sick days will end. I guess you have to weigh if she is worth dealing with the constant sick days.

Oh, and maybe you can use some semantics on DH. Instead of saying "please find 20 minutes to come home so I can shower" just say "I need you to come home for 20 minutes. I have a few things I have to do". More of a demand instead of a request?

[twinmom34]

Can't help you with the nanny. sorry! Hugs to you! I would do one of those cute little animated hugs if I wasn't too stupid to figure out how to do anything other than :) :) :)
A friend explained men (a man himself) to me like this...women are like microwave ovens- high tech and can do numerous tasks; men are like toasters-can only do one thing at a time.
So it has helped me a lot to keep this in mind. My DH tells me he will do anything I ask him to do. I used to get aggravated thinking it was a control issue (you have to ASK me or I will not do it kind of thing) and then I realized he is missing that global thinking ability and doesn't see it needs to be done. So anytime I am frustrated I write a list of things and ask him to do them in the next couple of days. He always does. We also made a deal- I wash the laundry he folds it. I have 2 wash days a week Wed & Sun. When the load is dry I usually just set it in front of him (that visual thing :) )Try the list thing. It is less frustrating.

[MamaKat]

:hugs:

[maine06]

Amanda, I'm sorry he's being such a .... typical guy. :eyeroll: As much as they are awesome dads and love us, they are still guys. They will still walk by a full laundry basket of their clothes for THREE DAYS and not 'realize' that it needs to be put away. I don't get it, I never will. So, I roll with it. Instead of trying to change him (because, truth be told, he's not that bad and it could be worse :winks:) I just try to think of ways to make him realize what needs to be done, without having to nag. I have a list on my fridge of the daily, weekly, monthly and 'as needed' chores and tasks that have to get done to keep the house from falling apart. This way, he never really has an excuse for not doing something. And, he knows that I expect that we'll each pull our weight. Now, this sometimes means that I have to ASK him to do things... like, every single night before I go to bed, I have to ask him to please start the dishwasher. Now, it's still a 50-50 shot if he'll do it or not, but, at least I'm pointing it out.

So, I guess, just start asking ang not feeling bad about it. You know, they aren't going to get it on their own. Make a list of all the things that are done, and show him the ones that he can easily do. And follow up with him on them. Don't nag, cause, we know that doesn't help anything. Just ask about them. And explain that you realize being the mom you have more of the 'kid' responsibilities, so, can he please pick up some slack in other areas? KWIM?

:hugs: or, you can just tell him he has 9 weeks to get his ass in gear, or, he's going to be living with dirty clothes, ramen, and one grumpy 2.5 year old because you're going to shut yourself in the bedroom with your DS#2 and not come out till he's on solids... :winks:

[Kimmeh]

Oh I am so with you hun. I am so big and pregnant and I have Ireland home all day by myself and I am just horrible with her now. I have NO patience with her and I can't do anything. Which leads to me being crankier because I am grumpy with myself/her. It's a mess. I feel horrible.

DBF normally sucks with helping out. I will ask him and he will say yes and then he doesn't do it. He's really stepped up the last couple days so I am hoping it doesn't end. The amount I can do has really gone down hill, so it's great he is actually helping and on his own for a change but up until a couple days ago (and who knows how long this will last) he did virtually nothing in the house, and it frusterated me to NO end.

:hugs:

[Lydia]

Oh no. I hope tomorrow is better. :hugs:

Don't tear up that valentine's day card, whatever you do. Keep it for yourself if you have to.

[momofone]

HUGS! I am so sorry things have gotten so stressful for you lately. I can't remember if you have explored this option or not so I will just throw it out there--is it possible to send Sam to some sort of preschool a couple half days? That would give you a much needed/deserved break and time to get some of your real important things done. While I would love to be a WAHM or SAHM I also see the benefit in working outside of the home even if it is only part time(like I do), because you do get that breath of freedom and when you go home you feel somewhat revived (not so for everyone) but for me I like to get out among the adults. If you can't find a preschool somewhere that suits your needs is it possible taht your nanny would watch him a couple days at her house? Sounds like momma needs a little me time and a chance to breathe--and there is no shame in that! HUGS-hope things start to get better and hopefully your dh will help out more. Here are some more HUGS!

[Amanda0102]

HUGS! I am so sorry things have gotten so stressful for you lately. I can't remember if you have explored this option or not so I will just throw it out there--is it possible to send Sam to some sort of preschool a couple half days? That would give you a much needed/deserved break and time to get some of your real important things done. While I would love to be a WAHM or SAHM I also see the benefit in working outside of the home even if it is only part time(like I do), because you do get that breath of freedom and when you go home you feel somewhat revived (not so for everyone) but for me I like to get out among the adults. If you can't find a preschool somewhere that suits your needs is it possible taht your nanny would watch him a couple days at her house? Sounds like momma needs a little me time and a chance to breathe--and there is no shame in that! HUGS-hope things start to get better and hopefully your dh will help out more. Here are some more HUGS!

Thanks - he starts 2 mornings in the fall at preschool. Nanny's house is not an option as she smokes and I don't let anyone else drive him anyway...

[momofone]

Thanks - he starts 2 mornings in the fall at preschool. Nanny's house is not an option as she smokes and I don't let anyone else drive him anyway...
Hopefully you will feel some stress lifted when he starts school and maybe his eating habit will change if he is around other kids that he sees eating more and faster. I totally don't blame you for NOT sending him to the nanny's because of the smoke-very good reason NOT to.

[HeyMrs.K]

:hugs: Hang in there & I hope your nanny ends up being okay

[PurplePasion]

:hugs: Let's see if my pg brain can remember all the moments I want to make...

No advice on DH...

Nanny: Sorry for her health issues but if she can't do the job she can't and you need to find someone more reliable.

Nighttime reading: Don't allow him to wait until its too late. Ask only a few times but when bedtime finally comes around let him know that story time is over for the night and he'll have to read 2moro.

eating: When he starts going to preschool he'll have no choice but to be done when everyone else is. The question in my mind is if you gave him some ice cream or something would he also pick at it? No:picky eater, yes: true to heart s-l-o-w eater. I know that some kids do eat slow but most can be broken of this bad habit. One idea (works for some, not all) give him more than he'll eat and he'll eat more at the beginning of the meal so you don't feel bad when you take the rest away knowing he ate enough. Another is to set a timer and periodically remind him (gently) that mealtime is almost over, when the timer goes off take whatever he didn't away and let him fuss for a minute then remind him at next mealtime whats going to happen (this may take some battles but once he figures it out it'll be easy). Or, give him meals without all the variety and see if he eats it, maybe only give him each item seperately (the issue may be "what do I eat next?" and he can't decide).

Feeding him: Just stop doing it. Make yourself busy on the other side of the room. Talk to him and all but don't sit there next to him where he can "wait" for you to feed him every bite.

Frustration: Every mom gets frustrated and anyone that says different is either lying, has someone else raising her children for her or needs to stop living in their own fantasy world. Don't beat yourself up because you feel like that. Find time each week for yourself and make DH stay home.

more :hugs: I hope something I've said helps.

[Amanda0102]

:hugs: Let's see if my pg brain can remember all the moments I want to make...
Thanks for the advice, but I was more just venting...and we live a little differently I think...

[swannie]

Hugs mama. I think we all go through iterations of this from time to time, and you have lots on your plate at once. I wish I lived closer and could help with things myself! Or at least commisserate in person. Over ice cream. :)

[Amanda0102]

Or at least commisserate in person. Over ice cream. :)
And 5lbs of surplus brownies!! :P

[Heather J]

And 5lbs of surplus brownies!! :P
I wanna come too. I'll bring cupcakes!