Drama with Mia's grandparents (long, sorry!)

[MammaMia]

First off, a little background. DH's parents are divorced (they got divorced over 30 years ago). FIL went on to marry again, while MIL never remarried.

Anyway, Step-MIL has always been very kind & generous towards Mia. She absolutely adores her! Although she isn't a blood relative, DH & I see her as a kind of 3rd grandma to her. My father passed away a few years ago, and my mother lives overseas, so we figure it's nice for Mia to have an extra "grandparent" in her life.

We call my mother and MIL both "Grandma", while Step-MIL is "Grandma Lisa". It was DH who started calling her that, not Step-MIL herself.

Anyway, Mia's birthday was last week and we had two separate parties for FIL's side of the family and MIL's side of the family. We did our best to make it all fair, but MIL was still hurt because FIL's family was invited on the actual day of Mia's birthday (Wednesday), while MIL was invited to a party on Saturday. We did it that way for several practical reasons, but MIL interpreted it as her being invited to the less important party (which is ridiculous). :eyeroll:

Well, today MIL calls DH all upset because she doesn't like it that Step-MIL is a grandma-figure to Mia. She's all upset over being invited to the Saturday party, and she doesn't think we have any right to call Step-MIL "Grandma Lisa" when she is Mia's "real" Grandma. She actually called DH once at lunch time, then again this evening still going on & on & on about it. :indifferent: She's normally the type who keeps her emotions bottled up, so I'm really surprised by her behaviour.

DH basically told her she was being silly and should talk to a therapist (he was much more sensitive about it than that, but that's essentially what he said).

For me, I do understand her emotions up to a point, but at the same time I don't get why she feels that Step-MIL is taking something away from her. I mean, Mia isn't going to love MIL less because Step-MIL loves her too! Also, it's not like Mia even sees Step-MIL very often - maybe once every 2-3 months, as opposed to MIL who sees her nearly every week. It's like MIL has just created something in her head and is getting crazy jealous & insecure over something that isn't even happening. It's nuts.

So if anyone has actually had the patience to read this far (I'm amazed if you have! :P), what do you think? I love my MIL but I really don't know what to make of all this. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

[virginia+3]

I dont know. I would try just explaining that Mia doesnt see the other one. I dont understand grandmas though. Maybe one of the grandmas we have here, will chime in??

I do know though, my mom seems to get jealous of Randys mom seeing the kids, if its more often then she has gotten to :eyeroll:

[Mrs JS]

I think she has unresolved issues about her ex remarrying. I think it's not as much about Mia as much as it is about her son. She's afraid that she isn't needed, and if anything were to happen to her it's OK because her son has another mother and Mia has another grandmother.

I can understand why she's upset/jealous. I don't agree with how she's handling it though.

I think she just needs some reassurance that you all love her and need her, and that she is irreplaceable.

[bn2005]

I am sorry you are going through this. We actually went through this recently with my family. My parents are divorced and my mother has been remarried for 17 yrs while my father has had many failed marriages and is currently single again. We do the same thing as you and add the first name to my stepfather, but they are both Grandpa. Well at Christmas my father started in to DD (who I know was too young to get what he was saying) that he is the "real grandpa". I actually got really mad at him and told him that he is no more grandpa than my step father and that DD is very lucky to have so many people in her life who love her. I told him that there can never be too much love for a child. He has never said it again, but I know it does bother him. Maybe now that DH has said something she will stop? Maybe you can turn it around so it sounds more like it is what is best for Mia to have so many people who love her.

[1stgradeteach]

I say don't worry about it. If you are happy, your daughter is happy, and your DH is happy that is all that matters.

You cannot please everyone.

[toesockies]

A little different, but along the same line (I think?) is that your MIL might feel like if Mia has a Grandma Lisa, then she won't need a Grandma. My family is all screwed up (as in not typical) and my step-grandmother is very close to me and my siblings. When my grandfather died, she was concerned that we wouldn't love her anymore :(
I guess what I am saying is that there isn't a lot that you can do for her, except let her know that she is a part of Mia's life.

[Joshua's Mommy]

I say don't worry about it. If you are happy, your daughter is happy, and your DH is happy that is all that matters.

You cannot please everyone.

ITA. I think you went above & beyond just by having two separate parties. MIL needs to realize this is the kind of stuff you have to deal with when you get divorced. Now, if FIL left MIL for step-MIL then I can understand why she's bothered by it all and I probably wouldn't have much involvement with FIL & step-MIL. But if step-MIL had nothing to do with their divorce, I wouldn't worry about it.

[hanvan]

I'm sorry! Thats tough! Its hard when people get hurt. It sounds like she has issues. I'd just let your dh deal with it and try to go with the flow. (((hugs)))

[twinmom34]

I'm proud of DH. He told her to talk to her therapist and he is right. MIL should be happy your baby girls has so many loving grand parents in her life. Sorry you have to deal with this. I know it must be tough.

[nosweetangel]

Our situations sound sort of similar although its my mother thats doing the *****in. She has issues with my step mom, always has, thats her business. But I've made it very clear from the begining that both her and my stepmom are M's grammas (he has 5 total so its not that big of a thing.) Thats a choice that you get to make... not your MIL. If she dosent like it tough... its time for her to start seeing some one to work through her unresolved issues.

[daylilies]

Do you think maybe if you changed grandma Lisa's name to something like nana, it would make your MIL feel better? My stepmom is Nana Paula to Josh.

[PurplePasion]

ITA with others that MIL needs some reassurance. I wouldn't get involved though since its not your issue to deal with. Let DH handle his own mother.

[courtneyandry]

I am sorry you are going through this. We actually went through this recently with my family. My parents are divorced and my mother has been remarried for 17 yrs while my father has had many failed marriages and is currently single again. We do the same thing as you and add the first name to my stepfather, but they are both Grandpa. Well at Christmas my father started in to DD (who I know was too young to get what he was saying) that he is the "real grandpa". I actually got really mad at him and told him that he is no more grandpa than my step father and that DD is very lucky to have so many people in her life who love her. I told him that there can never be too much love for a child. He has never said it again, but I know it does bother him. Maybe now that DH has said something she will stop? Maybe you can turn it around so it sounds more like it is what is best for Mia to have so many people who love her.
I agree with this approach as well. I also agree w/whoever said that it's her trying to deal w/her own issues rather it being about Mia. I'd definitely explain (or have DH explain) that she needs to let it go b/c it's not healthy for Mia to grow up w/grandparents undermining each other. I didn't find out my grandpa wasn't my biological grandpa until I was in jr. high. He married my grandma when my dad was 8. That didn't change that he was my grandpa. We're likely going to face this as well in our future (Dh's parents divorced and remarried too), so I'm glad I'm not the only one to be going through something like this.

Good luck, and I hope your MIL is able to move past or at least not make her issues yours.

[MammaMia]

Thanks for the input ladies! I'm glad I'm not crazy for feeling that MIL is being unreasonable.

ITA that I understand her feelings but I don't agree with the way she's handling them. Whatever bitterness she has over the divorce has nothing to do with what's best for Mia. It happened 30 years ago for heaven's sake!

Our situations sound sort of similar although its my mother thats doing the *****in. She has issues with my step mom, always has, thats her business. But I've made it very clear from the begining that both her and my stepmom are M's grammas (he has 5 total so its not that big of a thing.) Thats a choice that you get to make... not your MIL. If she dosent like it tough... its time for her to start seeing some one to work through her unresolved issues.

I'm glad you said that. MIL feels that she has ownership over the name "grandma" and that she should decide who can be called that, but I don't agree. If DH wants to call Step-MIL grandma too then that's his choice as Mia's father.

I'm just going to do my best to stay out of the while issue. I want MIL to be reassured that she's important & we love her, but at the same time I don't want to feed into her jealousy & possessiveness over Mia. She needs to just focus on her own relationship with Mia and not worry about anyone else's!

[LanceBabe]

ITA with others that MIL needs some reassurance. I wouldn't get involved though since its not your issue to deal with. Let DH handle his own mother.
I, too, think your MIL needs reassurance, and I disagree about you not getting involved. I think you and DH both need to reassure his mother that she is loved and needed, and at the same time point out that Mia is a very lucky little girl to have so many people love her. My granddaughter Brooke has two grandma's (myself and DIL's mother) and one step-grandma (DIL's step-mother) and I'll admit to sometimes getting jealous because DIL's mother sees Brooke nearly every day and I'm lucky to see her every couple weeks, even though we only live 20 minutes away (for some reason, DS and DIL think that's a long way), but I try very hard not to make an issue of it and just enjoy the times that I DO get to see her.

ETA: I see you were responding at the same time I was. LOL In my situation, I am Grandma and DIL's mother is Grammy. I know there was a slight issue in the beginning because her step-mother also tried to claim Grammy and DIL got upset about it. Her mother convinced her to compromise, though, and they are now known as Grammy (DIL's mom) and Grammy Susan (DIL's step-mom). As for you staying out of it, that is certainly a decision you have to make, but I still think I would let her know you care about how she feels, even if you aren't going to give in to her.

[CupCake]

Your a stronger person than me because I wouldn't deal with that at all. My dad and mom split when I was a toddler. It was ugly then and its still ugly now. My dad's family and my mom's family don't really get along at all but whenever we have a party we have ONE party. I refuse to do two seperate parties. The only person who throws a fit and gets all bent out of shape about this is my grandmom on my dad's side. Everyone else is completely civil. I don't know what her deal is but she was even so bent out of shape for having to sit at the same table at my wedding with my other set of grandparents that she made up an excuse and left early. But I look at it as her loss.

[MammaMia]

I, too, think your MIL needs reassurance, and I disagree about you not getting involved. I think you and DH both need to reassure his mother that she is loved and needed, and at the same time point out that Mia is a very lucky little girl to have so many people love her. My granddaughter Brooke has two grandma's (myself and DIL's mother) and one step-grandma (DIL's step-mother) and I'll admit to sometimes getting jealous because DIL's mother sees Brooke nearly every day and I'm lucky to see her every couple weeks, even though we only live 20 minutes away (for some reason, DS and DIL think that's a long way), but I try very hard not to make an issue of it and just enjoy the times that I DO get to see her.

ETA: I see you were responding at the same time I was. LOL In my situation, I am Grandma and DIL's mother is Grammy. I know there was a slight issue in the beginning because her step-mother also tried to claim Grammy and DIL got upset about it. Her mother convinced her to compromise, though, and they are now known as Grammy (DIL's mom) and Grammy Susan (DIL's step-mom). As for you staying out of it, that is certainly a decision you have to make, but I still think I would let her know you care about how she feels, even if you aren't going to give in to her.

I'm glad you responded, it's good to have a your perspective on it. :)

I think if MIL brings it up with me, I'm going to decline to comment on the whole "Grandma Lisa" issue, and just try to reassure her that she's irreplaceable. I think she's been going over & over it in her head and has created some paranoid vision of Step-MIL & Mia being super close, which is totally untrue. They don't even see each other very often, and when they do Mia spends most of the time clinging to me anyway.

[LanceBabe]

I'm glad you responded, it's good to have a your perspective on it. :)

I think if MIL brings it up with me, I'm going to decline to comment on the whole "Grandma Lisa" issue, and just try to reassure her that she's irreplaceable. I think she's been going over & over it in her head and has created some paranoid vision of Step-MIL & Mia being super close, which is totally untrue. They don't even see each other very often, and when they do Mia spends most of the time clinging to me anyway.
I think that is an excellent idea!

[Anna Begins]

I think she has unresolved issues about her ex remarrying. I think it's not as much about Mia as much as it is about her son. She's afraid that she isn't needed, and if anything were to happen to her it's OK because her son has another mother and Mia has another grandmother.

Thats what I was going to say. She might feel like she is easily replaceable- by her husband and now by her son and grandaughter. Silly, she should be over it by now and a little more secure than that, especially since she has more of a role in Mia's life. Altho, I think no matter how much time passes, there is always an issue with "the other woman".

[lukeskristie]

Sorry you have to go through this. My suggestion is to get the worked out now before Mia gets older cause it will get worse.